<p>I know this is annoying to double post or to post a random thought about this, but you all are the only ones I’ve told about him besides my friend.</p>
<p>This one time he asked me to go make him some pasta and put nothing on it but A LOT of Parmesan cheese. I did that, or so I thought. When I brought it to him, he started berating me because I apparently did not even try to put enough Parmesan on. I clearly did not love or respect him if I ignored his wishes in such a way. I started crying and asking him how he could say that, that I had really tried my best. He became furious (he thinks I am being manipulative when I end up crying) and said that if that was the case it was even worse because if I couldn’t do even such a little thing right then how could I do ANYTHING right? Next morning he was very apologetic and sweet.</p>
<p>Sometimes two people are NOT meant to be together. You must not continue to dwell on what you could have done, should have done or can do. Try to understand that sometimes two people can be like oil and water as a couple when they are perfectly wonderful apart. Thirty years ago I wouldn’t have believed this. But I’ve witnessed the abuse and I’ve seen some violence from perfectly “normal” people that simply could not co-exist. In one case no close friends even knew what was happening behind closed doors. Ten to twenty years later each of these broken couples are now in different marriages that are healthy and productive and the children from those original marriages are just fine. You have a rough road ahead for abit, but in the end it will work out. The only ending you can write to this story now is that you won’t be together.The future is undetermined but odds are it will be better.</p>
<p>Make an appointment with legal aid. NOW. If he is abusive or neglectful you probably want to think seriously about whether you want him to have unsupervised visits with your young daughter.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you. I just have a few things to add to the good advice you have already received. </p>
<p>Make sure your phone is password protected so he can not go through it. And make sure your bill for your cell phone is under a password that he can not get to. You can retrieve the phone numbers and text numbers from the bill. </p>
<p>If you have pets in the home, make sure you take them with you, and have them in a safe place on your departure. Especialy if they are “your” pets (bonded to you) It is not uncommon for abusers to take out anger on pets to continue to abuse you emotionally. Some women/family shelters are starting to allow pets.</p>
<p>You need to stop thinking that there is something you could have done to make him treat you better. Normal, loving people do not act this way. It is not YOU, it is HIM. For abusers it is all about control, control, control using psychological (grinding you down with constant criticism, crying to him, asking why he is mean, everything revolves around the way HE feels) and physical means. Any means necessary in some cases. That is why leaving - when the abuser sees he is about to lose control of the other person, the one who tolerates and validates his self-centered behavior - is the most dangerous time. </p>
<p>The behavior you describe - balling up his fists - is about the last thing before one of the fists connects with your face. Not trying to scare you but this buildup to violence and the cyle of abuse/apology is an extremely typical scenario. There is nothing you can do here to help your husband. Your duty is to protect your child and yourself. Take your pets if any to your friend or parents if possible. You will need to plan carefully but do not wait too long.</p>
<p>SnowDog, I don’t blame myself at all anymore. Something in me just snapped and I finally saw him clearly and objectively when I thought to myself as if it weren’t even about me, “He didn’t visit his wife who could have been dying in the hospital, and the day after she’s gotten home, when she is sick and traumatized and can’t use one arm, he makes her do all the work. And now he’s yelling at her that she questions it. Wow. This man is a horrible human being. She should leave.”</p>
<p>No pets, thank goodness.</p>
<p>I was thinking in 2 weeks but now I’m thinking 1.</p>
<p>I felt so good about leaving when I woke up this morning (and believe me, I am NOT changing my mind, my mind is set and I will never go back to this man even after I leave), but somehow I started thinking about DD’s preschool and THAT is what made me burst into tears. She loves preschool so much and now she won’t be able to go, at least not for a while. We won’t be able to take many of her toys. I feel so heartbroken. </p>
<p>I don’t even have a car.</p>
<p>Is there anyone who could PM me to talk about these things?</p>
<p>I wish I could offer much to this thread, but as a husband I can tell you that his behavior is not normal <em>duh</em> and you aren’t to blame. For what its worth, from what I know of my own experiences in therapy, when someone degrades others like your hubby does with you it is usually because they feel out of control or in some cases threatened, it is about boosting their own ego (could also be simply he is just angry at the world, feels it is dumping on him and takes it out on ‘someone’ safe). It could be something like you going to school, he may feel threatened by your getting an education of him not being good enough for you, etc…whatever the cause, though, I agree with others, emotional and verbal intimidation like that is not a good thing, and you D is already picking it up, I guarantee that (kids are sponges, the catch things from the parents, take it from me…). The other thing that concerns me is the up and down, that he berates you and then later apologizes, etc, something is seriously wrong there IMO.</p>
<p>One suggestion I have is take notes on his behavior, what he did, specific incidents, etc, I am not a lawyer but you may need them if you file for an order of protection. I also agree that the best bet might be to contact local woman’s groups about seeking help, there are also national groups who may be able to give local referrals (I apologize, i don’t have that information, hopefully others do).</p>
<p>Other then that, all I can offer you is my prayer and thoughts, to help you get through this time:)</p>
<p>Leaving will be inconvenient in many ways ,no doubt about it . Safety for you and your child is # 1 - don’t think it will get better -it will not .</p>
<p>fauxmaven, I no longer think it will or could get better, and now I know that even if by some miracle it did I could never love him the way I did before. There’s not an ounce of hope in me pulling me back. I just feel so sad about everything my daughter will lose right now even though, because of this, she’ll get much more back in the long term to replace it.</p>
<p>Can you move back in with your parents? You could finish school and then after you graduate get a job and move out then. Until you get settled in a job you’re going to need some help.</p>
<p>Because he will call and text you all hours of the day and night, sometimes angry and abusive, sometimes crying and pathetic. You don’t need that.</p>
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<p>You need to be prepared for a couple of emotional pitfalls of leaving an abusive relationship: </p>
<p>First, there will be moments when you waver, when you think maybe you shouldn’t leave after all – for whatever reason. This is normal, and it is NOT a reason to stay!! </p>
<p>Second, after you’ve left, when you meet with him, I guarantee he will be incredibly sorry and remorseful and promising it won’t happen again, and you will want to believe him. As you’ve already noticed, this is part of the cycle of domestic violence, and it is NOT a reason to go back!! You MUST get yourself and your child out of there. He is on the upward spiral toward violence, and he will not spiral down. No matter what he says, he won’t spiral down.</p>
<p>Any time you feel yourself weakening, think about this:</p>
<p>“If I stay with him/go back to him, my daughter will grow up thinking this is normal family life.”</p>
<p>No, can’t move in with parent. Even though I know my mom will help getting DD clothes and stuff, she is not exactly mentally stable in a way that would be okay for a little kid. She can get into screaming and berating just as well as DH, though she’s not gonna hit anyone.</p>
<p>Do you have a Battered Woman’s shelter in your area? The know just what to do in these situations and will keep you and your daughter safe. They also can help you with the legal aspect of things and many times will help you get a new start. The also offer counseling.</p>
<p>1−800−799−SAFE(7233) is the national domestic violence hotline. You can start there if you are unsure of your local contacts. </p>
<p>If you have the time, you need to make a plan and they can help you with that. If you don’t have time, they can help you proceed in an emergency. </p>
<p>I wish you and your daughter the very best of luck.</p>
<p>Leaving will be the hardest part . Being safe ,in a supportive environment is what you need now . Don’t tell people where you are -it is very important .Meeting others in your shoes will be incredibly helpful .</p>