<p>Kids are amazing resiliant. Your D will doubtless be RELIEVED to be away from the ranting, screaming and volitile outbursts. I agree that you CANNOT tell your mom where you have gone, just call her & let her know you are safe once you have called & are safely relocated. Catching a taxi or whatever you need to do to get to the safe place/shelter is good; your not having a car is fine and should not be a worry. Your D will be FINE, as long as you, her dear mom is fine. Kids get over loss of “things” quite well and she will meet other nice folks in the shelter and where you next decide to settle. You just need to focus on getting yourself & DD to a safe place, PERIOD. Do NOT go back, as that will greatly increase the danger for you & D.</p>
<p>Is there any way you could get recording of his rantings? Through your cell phone, or a secret tape recorder? Those who love him will never believe that he is capable of such rantings, or they are just a one off event. Of course, do not put yourself at risk to do it, but it might help you get your injunction. We will be praying for you.</p>
<p>Several years ago my DD was stalked, she actually had to withdraw from university and leave the area. The attorney we saw advised us that if she could leave the area that would be better than filing a restraining order as, at the time and in that place, a restraining order meant listing all the addressed from which he would be restrained which just gives him a target!</p>
<p>Take the time now to think of all your online access and change ALL your passwords- don’t forget ebay, paypal, facebook, old myspace, hotmail, yahoo, gmail, banking, etc. It is amazing how many passwords we have.</p>
<p>You might also, immediately after leaving, have someone else check your email for you for a few days. My DD gave me her actual phone and email passwords so I could check everything and delete things before she had to see them. The attorney suggested NOT changing the phone number as it would help us to track his active interest level. He still occasionally called DD a couple of years later. It would have been easy to have relaxed our guard by then had we changed the number.</p>
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<p>I thought that a restraining order attaches to a protected person, and therefore would be in effect no matter where the protected person is. Is that wrong?</p>
<p>You also need to consider what to say to your daughter. I suggest something along the lines of:</p>
<p>“Daddy is very angry and it scares Mommy, so we are going to go live somewhere without Daddy ‘for a while.’” </p>
<p>You can also ask her if his being angry scares her. If she says Yes, tell her that you’re both going to a place where you won’t have to be scared. If she says No, tell her that she’s very brave but that it scares Mommy.</p>
<p>You can tell her that while she won’t be going to her old school ‘right now,’ she’ll be going to a new school that will be different but probably as much fun. </p>
<p>Chances are that after a few weeks she will settle in and not look back.</p>
<p>You need to work with the attorney (especially one who has experience in domestic violence) about the pros & cons of any potential protective order. Agree that providing information as to your possible whereabouts can be VERY dangerous & the attorney should know this and be able to provide you with info about your options and what has been best in similar situations.</p>
<p>Agree with VeryHappy about what to say to D, but PLEASE don’t tell her anything until you are both safely away in a safe undisclosed shelter, so you and she are safe. Do NOT give her info ahead of time so your H can anticipate your plans & possibly cause harm or worse.</p>
<p>I am going to respond to everyone in a more detailed way later, but right now I am at a family gathering. (DH’s family of course. My own is sort of non-existent.) I’m in the bathroom. I wanted to say I thank you all so very much and as pathetic as it sounds to say this to strangers on the internet, I really need you so that I can keep my head clear and not give in. I love his mom more than my own, and I think of the rest of his family as mine too. It takes so much energy to keep reminding myself. I WILL leave, it’s just exhausting to keep telling myself.</p>
<p>You are doing this for yourself and your D. You have to be strong. It is likely that your H has some mental illness but it is NOT your responsibililty or even in your power to cure or help him – he needs a professional and he has to want it. Keep repeating to yourself this is for you & D. Hang in there–things will improve. Sorry your family is non-existent, which makes it both harder (no ‘family’ to turn to) & easier (harder to trace you). You don’t have to worry about responding to any of us, just keep yourself & your D safe!</p>
<p>OP, don’t spend unusual amounts of time on the computer, or in unusual places like the bathroom. He’ll get suspicious. </p>
<p>Don’t worry about us. You can update us once you’re safe.</p>
<p>Lucky for me, I spend a lot of time writing stories on the computer. Additionally, I spend a lot of time in the bathroom on a regular basis because it’s a place I can chill out in silence.</p>
<p>Also – in case you missed it above – it’s important that you log out of CC every single time you’re on here. Guys like this have radar, and can often pick up that something is going on, even without concrete clues. If he does, he might come looking in your computer history, and if you’re logged in to CC, he’ll find this immediately.</p>
<p>Also ,if you have joint credit cards ,CANCEL them so your spouse cannot run up a large debt .</p>
<p>Apply now for your own credit card. Pack your financial papers, birth certificates, passports, etc. Open up your own checking account. Contact your local Domestic Abuse hotline–they should be able to tell you exactly how to plan and what to pack and where to go (domestic abuse safe house).</p>
<p>Actually, if you’re planning on leaving soon, you will need an address they could mail your credit card to, so I would wait. Would get all financial docs & cancel credit cards as soon as you are in a safe place (don’t alert H by doing so now). Agree that you should open a checking account where they have LOTS of branches you could go to. Be sure your ID is current & has a photo of you. Pack your passport & all ID papers in secure place that H will not look at (maybe somewhere safe at your school).</p>
<p>His parents are your child’s grandparents. I hope that over time this smooths out. You and your husband are young. When that time comes and the wounds are healing hopefully you will still have contact with his parents for your child. I think your husband is probably as unhappy as you are perhaps for entirely different reasons.</p>
<p>Until you and your D are safe in an undisclosed location, you must not ever hint to the in-laws that you are contemplating ANY changes. IF you do contact them once you have left, you must only say that you and D are in a safe place.</p>
<p>If down the road, it becomes safe to contact the in-laws, you can cross that bridge when you reach it, but at this point, it’s safety first. Their loyalties will be with their S & whatever he tells them; you have no control over what lies he will tell them about you as well. </p>
<p>Agree that trying to unobtrusively tape H ranting would likely be valuable but only if it can be done with total safety.</p>
<ol>
<li>Open a P.O. Box</li>
<li> Open individual accounts (use P.O. Box)</li>
<li> Remove yourself from all joint accounts if possible</li>
<li> Make copies of all of HIS assets and put them in a safety deposit box and keep that keep safe</li>
<li> That includes loan documents, car titles/loans, insurance, 401Ks, retirement plans, etc.</li>
<li> Go see an attorney. Most will give you a “free” visit to assess the situation. Then the will charge a retainer, typically 2500-5000. This is suppose to come from “marital funds” If you think there is enough money in the joint account, keep it open, write that check, and make sure the attorney does not cash it until a two days before he is served (it can be filed before) YOU WANT TO FILE FIRST. IT IS THE POWER POSITION IN DIVORCE.</li>
<li> Be prepared that he will hire an even more powerful attorney and don’t let this get to you. He is a control freak that this will not change. He will attack you as a mother (do not believe a word he says) and will do everything he can to hurt you which includes fighting for a child he probably doesn’t want, except that it hurts you.<br></li>
<li> Women’s shelters are wonderful places. Filled with toys and children and lives wanting a clean start. Do not be scared to go there. And do go there.</li>
<li> DO NOT TELL HIS FAMILY ANYTHING. You may love his mother more than his own, but his mother loves him more than anything. She will plead with you to see your daughter. She can see your daughter during his time. Any “willingly giving your daughter over”, even for a visit, will be used against you.</li>
<li>Document everything. Every outburst, what caused it, what words were said, the outcome. Document, document, document. If you know is going to blow, record it.<br></li>
<li> After you contact the women’s shelter, they will help you out. They may even send someone to your house to gather your things and take you there. Some cab companies work with shelters and will transport you for free.</li>
</ol>
<p>Take Care Girl!</p>
<p>Forgive me if someone else mentions this: I don’t know where you live. Here in Los Angeles we have the Harriet Buhai Center which represents women for free or greatly reduced rates. Worse case: Call them and see if they can get you to a center or group near you.</p>
<p>Good Luck…Oh, I don’t know why (unless out of habit) you write dh (dear husband)…he’s not…dear…sorry.</p>
<p>ellebud, you’re right. He’s not dear. It’s a habit. H. </p>
<p>We’re back home from the family gathering because he despises his family. DD and her cousin+BIL were the ones who stayed and are spending the night at the IL’s. His mother and sister are aware he’s a horrible human being and were aware of this well before I was (is that a sign? That the women in his life all know this?), though where his sister hates him, his mother sees him as her sweet little baby boy who just has an Irish temper. However, she’s often sent him emails where she tells him to get his act together before I leave him, and she’s sent me emails about how I should make him get anger management counseling or something. I still don’t know what she’d do if it came down to it – I believe she loves DD just as much as she loves DH – ugh, H – and very possibly more, and I think in the end she’d choose DD first because she has a terminal illness – she’s had decades with her son, but only four years with her granddaughter. She loves DH (#(<em>@#</em>&@* – just H!) quite a bit more than her well-behaved daughter, but mostly recognizes him as being unpleasant despite how much she adores him. So I hope she’d want to help me. But I don’t know. I don’t feel like I can chance it. </p>
<p>I don’t have the energy to quote everyone, so-</p>
<p>VeryHappy: Thank you for the advice on what to say to my daughter. That was probably the most important thing I was trying to figure out. Her dad has only recently been saying these things in front of her. Every night she snuggles with him before night night time and she loves him a lot.</p>
<p>HImom: I won’t tell DD anything before we leave. Her concept of a secret is “a thing you can tell anyone as long as you do so quietly.”</p>
<p>LasMa: I’ve been logging out every time. Unfortunately for him, I’m much sneakier than he is since I grew up in a bad household and he grew up in one where he could do whatever he wanted without hiding it.</p>
<p>In general: We have no joint accounts of any sort. I’ve been recording him. I am one of those annoying people with her phone in her hand 24/7, so he doesn’t notice that I’m hitting record when he starts yelling. And even if I didn’t reply to you specifically, I am listening to absolutely everything single thing you all are saying. Thank you.</p>