<p>You mentioned you have some money. Make sure it is secure from him in a separate account in your name with no paper checks, account numbers, statements, etc. left behind when you go. I have a friend whose husband left her for a girlfriend with no warning. He went out for a bicycle ride at night and didn’t come back! She discovered that he had cleaned out the checking account, money market accounts, and cashed in securites, all BEFORE the divorce papers were filed. It took her almost five years to get her share back! Your case is different, but don’t assume he won’t drain every joint account once you leave, if only to leave you penniless and (in his mind) under his control again.</p>
<p>And good luck to you and your daughter. We are all obviously very concerned and very interested. </p>
<p>You will come out of this OK. You clearly have the wherewithal to handle this. You just need some advice about the logistics.</p>
<p>It’s sad that your MIL has a terminal illness but absolutely, you cannot risk your D’s safety or your own with her. She has a weakness for your H, which you have already noted, in chosing him over your SIL. You cannot win with your MIL. As much as you don’t want to cause her pain, you CANNOT allow your fondness for your MIL to cause you to endanger you or your D.</p>
<p>You need to get a safety deposit box and also a P.O. Box where you can receive mail. You need to have accounts in your name & keep all of those records in your safety deposit box, preferably in a bank away from your home where H is unfamiliar and where they know YOU. You need to keep a memory chip with the recordings of your H in your safety deposit box as well. Start a new one, just in case anything happens to your phone.</p>
<p>Since his anger management is not new, it will just keep worsening since he is refusing help. You cannot MAKE him go to anger management and your duty is to keep you and D safe. Whether he ever deals with his anger management issues is NOT your concern.</p>
<p>On some listserves I’m on the “D” in DH can mean other things…darn, da*n, etc. ;)</p>
<p>Was going to suggest documenting every incident, but other wise posters have beat me to it.</p>
<p>You don’t want the H pressuring his mom (or worse) trying to find out where you and DD are, so I think I agree with others that for the time being, MIL can’t know where you are.</p>
<p>Just wanted to check in and say I’m fine. I’m doing various tasks that need to be done before we take off and looking into the resources you all have directed me to. H has been quite sweet and easygoing which is often the case – he seems to lose it in weekly or biweekly flare ups, depending on stressors and stuff. I don’t feel fooled anymore though. I feel a little down in the dumps but otherwise am okay. I just wanted to pop in since your support is like some sort of magical backbone for me.</p>
<p>^ be well
glad you are getting a little bit of time to get organized</p>
<p>I understand and agree with your reasons for leaving and divorcing this man. But I don’t think you want to make this any uglier than it has to be since you and your daughter will be dealing him for many years to come, even when you’re divorced. </p>
<p>I’m not divorced and I have little experience with this issue. However, just like we tell our kids you shouldn’t break up with someone via a text message or a phone call, I don’t think it’s right to just up and leave a spouse without an explanation of why you want a divorce. Have you considered leaving a letter saying you are not happy in this marriage and he doesn’t appear to be happy either; his behavior during and following your hospital stay confirmed to you that the marriage is over? And I think you should provide some method for him to have contact with his daughter, through a neutral third party, perhaps?</p>
<p>What if a husband left his wife with no explanation and no forwarding address, taking the couple’s young child with him and leaving the wife completely in the dark about the child’s whereabouts and well-being? I would assume that husband could lose custody as a result of that type of action, couldn’t he? Why wouldn’t the same be true for the wife?</p>
<p>I’m not trying to discourage you from leaving your husband. I’m trying to encourage you to think of how you would want to be treated if he was initiating the divorce.</p>
<p>I would ask the folks at the women’s shelter about how to have him have SUPERVISED contact with your D. Would also talk with them about the idea of leaving a letter. Would NOT name a 3rd party, who may be pressured to try to figure out where you are. They have a LOT of experience in issues like this – how it can go right AND wrong and how to try to keep women and kids as safe as possible while protecting rights.</p>
<p>Don’t take the words of us random strangers who can’t be there to help you when you need more than anonymous support–work with the folks at the shelter. Good luck!</p>
<p>Yeah, I will have to ask for advice from people who know the specifics and not just internet people. whatever4, I never even thought about going anywhere he wouldn’t know exactly where we were until this thread. I don’t know. I’m sI confused. I didn’t feel scared of him beyond the yelling but now I do but then you say that and I dot know. I’m terrified and I don’t know. I just need to talk to the people at the shelters. I’m sorry I’m not making much sense, I’m just scared. I don’t want to take his daughter from him or I’m sorry I’m crying there’s…</p>
<p>Breathe breathe breathe.</p>
<p>He’ll be able to contact us. I’ve decided not to change my number – I want to know and have records of whatever he is feeling like saying, which my voicemail will do for me. I’ll work with whoever I can to make this as smooth as it can be. And I think he is a good daddy… I know DD will miss him.</p>
<p>We’re here for you, but as others have said, you need to talk to the real people at the women’s shelter for specific advice and resources. They’re your friends and they specialize in this. Turn to them, and trust them.</p>
<p>Since you’re going to keep your phone, and I understand why, be aware that it’s going to be tough sometimes. You need to resolve in your own mind NOW, that you will not be manipulated by the messages he’s going to leave you. Especially hard to resist will be the ones where he’s crying and remorseful. Ask the shelter people how you should handle calls, messages, and texts. </p>
<p>Be on alert for calls from his family as well. No doubt he’ll get his mom to call, knowing the affection you have for her. But for that reason, it’s probably advisable not to talk to her; she’ll make it very hard to stick with your decision which you know is right. </p>
<p>I had a friend getting out of a violent relationship, and her abuser used her cell phone against her – but only because she let him. She’d answer the phone knowing it was him, and then be all upset about the abuse he gave her. I never could figure out why she picked up when he called, but I hope you don’t. Do save every voicemail and text.</p>
<p>Keep safe and get out of there as soon as you can.</p>
<p>PS – He’s not a good daddy. Good daddies don’t treat the mother of their children the way he treats you. And good daddies don’t let their children grow up thinking that a threatening, abusive home life is normal. She will miss him, because he’s the only daddy she has. But that doesn’t mean you’re not doing the right thing.</p>
<p>Agree with the above post. He may have some good aspects, but he is NOT a good daddy, forcing you & D to go elsewhere to be safe, threatening you, and not treating you with the respect you deserve. He is NOT a good daddy if he cannot treat his wife with common decency.</p>
<p>Do NOT answer the phone when he or his mom call. In fact, do not answer any calls. Use your phone as an answering machine & use it to call OUT. You must be strong for you & D. Your D will learn from your example how people SHOULD be treated and that she should not grow up with threats, yelling and disrespect.</p>
<p>You deserve MUCH, MUCH better.</p>
<p>
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<p>I wouldn’t use it to call out; I’d get another cell phone so your friends and family can call IN to you.</p>
<p>VH has a point. You can add a line for $9.99/month or something. Leave the old phone on silent and let it record what it will. Use the new line (and set it up to block Caller ID) for everything besides your H and his family.</p>
<p>Let me echo what others have said - your husband is NOT a good daddy.
Good daddies help care for their children. Your husband did not do this when you were in the hosp.
Good daddies help their spouse when she is still hurting from a hospital stay.
Good daddies never say unkind words to a family member (ESPECIALLY the mother of his children!!). This is horrible role modeling. It is despicable that he has done this in earshot of your daughter. </p>
<p>That your husband is occasionally kind to your daughter does not make him a good daddy. Not at all.</p>
<p>Yes to a second line for your own out-going calls and some personal incoming calls. Add a line, you probably can even get a free phone! This way you can keep your old number for all future contacts with H, the ILs, the lawyers, etc.</p>
<p>If you don’t want to commit to a second phone of your own just yet, the shelter staff may have one that you can use for a while.</p>
<p>You can switch to TMobile. For $100, you can have 1000 phone minutes that last a year. That would be fine for recording messages. You can get a 2nd phone that you use for getting & receiving real phone calls where your phone # is blocked. The 2nd phone on TMobile would also be $100 for 1000 phone minutes that last a year or $30 for 1500 phone minutes/messages for 1 month & 30mb memory, if that is what you want. There are of course other options as well. As was said, you could just add a line to your current phone & have that only about $9.99, with the new line & phone # being the one you use.</p>
<p>Thinking about you. Hoping you were able to talk to someone at a women’s shelter and get some advice and things to consider and do.</p>
<p>Have a good day. You deserve it.</p>
<p>We are ALL thinking about you and hope you are getting ready to pull the plug. Please check in when you are able to, but don’t compromise your safety to do so.</p>
<p>Thank you, everyone. I’m not compromising my safety to check in.</p>
<p>My therapist (I’ve been going to one for two years) was pretty crappy about this. Keep in mind that I’ve never told her of the abuse because I didn’t want her to judge DH since I believed he was mostly a good man.</p>
<p>Let me just share some of her quotes now that I’ve told her what is up. I’m done with her. Keep in mind that I’ve completely hidden DH’s abuse from her so that she wouldn’t pressure me to leave him. Here are some quotes:</p>
<p>“You know he can charge you with abandonment.”</p>
<p>“It will take at least three months for you to get everything in order in order to leave.”</p>
<p>“Your daughter will be very traumatized by the upheaval.”</p>
<p>“Well, what have you been doing to provoke him?”</p>
<p>“He said these things out of frustration and anger. He was stressed. He simply doesn’t have coping skills, but he loves you.”</p>
<p>“You say he’s being very nice in the last few days. Why not try to work things out?”</p>
<p>“I know he loves you. I’ve gotten to know him through you, despite what you’ve been keeping to yourself.”</p>
<p>“Your hospitalization may have been a panic attack.”
(I was throwing up any time I exerted myself, for days. Not a panic attack. The DRs came up with an actual medical reason.)</p>
<p>Though he was calling me [insert the worst word you can call a woman] in front of DD, “Your daughter doesn’t know what that means.”</p>
<p>I’m infuriated.</p>
<p>But I have been having those, “Maybe I shouldn’t leave,” thoughts.</p>
<p>BUT, they are not winning. I am going to leave. I am. I will.</p>
<p>Shelters have no empty spaces right now, but I will figure something out.</p>
<p>I have been following this post, but I had to comment ^ my mouth is just hanging open.</p>