<p>^^ Mine too! OMG I can’t believe that anyone, MUCH LESS a mental health professional, would say this:</p>
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<p>Sweetie, DO NOT back down. Like I said upthread, if you stay, your daughter will grow up to think that this is how family life is. You owe it to her to break the cycle. Stay strong, and do what you know is right for her and for you. Be safe.</p>
<p>It is totally up to you if/when to leave. You have the power to choose, not your H, not your crappy therapist, and not us. I would leave. But that’s me.</p>
<p>This much is certain: your therapist sucks. Find one who has experience counseling domestic violence survivors. She is also not a lawyer and has no basis to say what he could “charge you with.” Good luck, keep trucking. And try to find a lawyer (family law) so you know your options - many will give an initial consult for free.</p>
<p>I just read the entire thread and agree it may be time for you to leave. Your husband definitely has problems, but nowhere in your thread did I hear anything concrete from you which would indicate that he would physically abuse you. Has he ever given you any indication that he would assault you? Have you ever considered asking him if he would see a marriage counselor or a family therapist with you (probably someone different than the person you are now seeing). Are you sure you need to go to a woman’s shelter? What if you tell him that either he goes into therapy with you or you will have to leave. I am not saying you should try to work it out with him, but I sense some ambivalence on your part. </p>
<p>It sounds like you’re trying to work on your own issues with a therapist, although that was made more difficult by not telling this person the issues you were having with your husband. Incidentally, I sense you have been trying to please your husband in an unhealthy way, maybe indicating problems relating to self worth for yourself. You obviously have a dysfunctional relationship with your husband and I would say that both of you need help. BTW, I am not saying the other posters are wrong and he won’t hurt you; I just thought I would offer you a slightly different viewpoint. Good luck.</p>
<p>Yowie. Goes to show you that “therapist” can have many different meanings.</p>
<p>This one is flagrantly assuming that he is right and you are wrong. I don’t agree.</p>
<p>No, I do not believe ANY therapist would have said those things. It is just too far fetched for me to believe.
A therapist wouldn’t know that. I have worked with therapists before, very rarely would they offer a definitive opinion. Was this therapist this opinionated before? If so, were you ok with it? If not before, why now?</p>
<p>If you have not shared about your husband’s behavior in treatment and then, suddenly it would seem to your therapist, are saying you are leaving—well, perhaps your therapist is concerned about you. That said, some of the statements your wrote are so outrageous that it is hard to know what to think is going on in your treatment. I do agree that working with someone who specializes in domestic violence could be helpful. Also–perhaps a clarifying call to your therapist to find out just what she is thinking is in order.</p>
<p>By all means get yourself another therapist. First of all, the fact that you didn’t feel comfortable telling her about your H’s behavior tells me you didn’t have a trust relationship with her, that you didn’t feel safe telling her about it. Whether it was judging you or him, judgement is directly against what you need in therapy. And her statements are over the top…saying you can be charged with abandonment? That sounds like scare tactics to keep you in the marriage. It is different if a therapist asks you if you are sure, wants to know why you want to leave and points out the potential issues and such, that is their job to point out what you are doing and the consequences, it is another to throw it back in your face, which is what it seems like. Even if the therapist was surprised by your description of your husband, her response was inappropriate IMO. Frankly, sounds like someone trying to force you to stay, usually when I hear that kind of stuff it is from someone with their own issues…and saying “your daughter will be traumatized” is like the people who say stay in a bad marriage ‘for the kids sake’, what that doesn’t recognize is that the trauma of divorce may be less then the trauma of being around a parent who is abusive towards their spouse. What will that little girl learn seeing the husband demean and yell at the wife and calling her foul names like, well, the various 4 and 5 letter words? What will she herself grow up thinking, that it is okay to be demeaned and so forth? A good therapist IMO would recognize that. Even if she was surprised, her reaction reeked of judgement not help. </p>
<p>As far as the husband getting violent, I don’t agree with the assesment that he has shown no signs of violence. First of all, when a spouse degrades the other person, yells at them, etc, it is a form of intimidation, and it is in many ways no different then physical intimidation, it shows someone whose anger can get out of control. The fact that he hasn’t been physically violent yet doesn’t necessarily mean he won’t, and in most cases physically abusive spouses started out with verbal intimidation like this. The problem is you just can’t tell and you can’t say that ‘it was only words’, hospitals and morgues are full of spouses whose SO ‘never hit them before’, but they did show a pattern of intimidation and verbal bullying. Not to mention that even if he never hits her, staying around a spouse who blows up, is verbally abusive and such is just as toxic and I am sorry, justifications I routinely hear like “he is under a lot of stress”, “He is just blowing off steam” and so forth doesn’t cut it, not when the OP has written about being humiliated and treated like crap. </p>
<p>I am not a big fan of breaking up families and if there is any way to save this situation I would say go for it. The problem with trying to get him into therapy is if the OP feels unsafe, it could be if she said we go to counseling or I am leaving he will lose it and hurt her. I would encourage her to try that tack, but those things only work if the only partner is willing to work on it. If the OP hasn’t tried it, if she can get him when he is calmed down it might be something to try, but it sounds like she herself is beyond that point of believing that could work.</p>
<p>Ok, I have been trying to just lurk, and OP, I wish you the best, and I’m sure you can figure out what is best for you…</p>
<p>BUT, in general, I am intrigued by those of you who would dismiss this therapist as “bad”, “sucks”, and say “get a new one” , or the like, during a crisis, when the therapist was presumably chosen by the patient, and has actually known her in real life, for I think a year, even if OP deceived him/her. </p>
<p>Again, I am SURE the OP has been more honest with us, and my comments are not meant to apply to this poster, but it scares me, that folks might prefer the advice of what some might consider strangers on the internet, who cannot be there for them in real life.</p>
<p>Okay, back to lurking…</p>
<p>Well said, shrinkrap. I fully agree</p>
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<p>I have been lurking this thread because I do not have the life experience to contribute to helping the OP, but from what I’ve studied about counseling practice (albeit as an undergrad), it’s very fair to say that this therapist “sucks.” In general, therapists are not supposed to tell their clients what to do, or to be judgmental. While they may try to prompt the client to look at other perspectives, the way that this particular therapist was doing so, assuming that the quotes were verbatim, is totally inappropriate. I could see her therapist perhaps asking questions like, “Are you concerned about how this may affect your daughter?” or “Have you considered… (insert other option)?” But some of these statements such as “it will take at least three months…” and “he loves you” make it very clear that the therapist is pushing her client to pursue a particular course of action that the client believes (and I think rightfully so) is not in her best interests, or those of her daughter, in the long run. </p>
<p>I took counseling psychology with a professor who has also been a psychiatrist for 30 years, and he said that it is not uncommon for clients to come out with things much later into the therapy process than you might expect, especially if the issues are traumatic. He mentioned (not by name or any identifying information, of course) a client who he worked with for years with little progress before the client finally admitted to having been physically abused as a child. An experienced therapist should probably not be all that surprised when information emerges suddenly, and should have the composure to react non-judgmentally and with a mind to encourage the client to make his her own informed decisions. </p>
<p>That being said, while therapists should generally not give advice, I am not a therapist nor do I intend to be, so I’d say find a new therapist.</p>
<p>There is a difference between therapists and counselors, yes. And we are getting the “quotes” out of context. We don’t know all the details, but these blanket “off with their head” type statements do not help a person already struggling with significant life decisions. That said, if the therapist is not skilled in dealing with victims of domestic violence, if that is the case here (havent read the whole thread) then he/she should seek consultation.</p>
<p>I meant to reply to things tonight but I fell asleep next to DD around 9ish, so I’m just going to make some brief comments now.</p>
<p>I’ve tried to get H into counseling. I’ve told him (not this time, but before, that I’d leave if he couldn’t treat me correctly. Before becoming infuriated, he’d laugh at me, say I have nowhere to go and no mone and stuff. </p>
<p>I don’t even know what to say in response to commentary about my therapist. I don’t. I don’t know. I’ve never found her that great but she’s what I’ve got for a variety of reasons I’m not energetic enough to go into here on my phone at 3 am. I will try to write more tomorrow when I can. Anyway I’ve apparently become unbelievable with my recent post about my therapist. I don’t know. “Talk” to you all tomorrow.</p>
<p>I agree with the poster who pointed out that a good therapist creates an environment of trust and safety. The OP in her opinion, which is what counts, says she is not getting that. </p>
<p>She never said she believes anything people tell her on the Internet. She’s on here because she has no one she trusts to turn to in her life. Which means her therapist sucks.</p>
<p>The OP has had years of not feeling safe. That is likely to get projected into the therapeutic environment as well. And being in therapy for a year and leaving a large elepphant in the living room that isnt getting addressed makes it hard to have a successful therapeutic experience. That said, I agree that a good therapist doesnt “tell” a patient what to do, nor do they blame the victim. But trying to switch therapists in the middle of a crisis may not be a good plan for a variety of reasons. Better for the OP to go back into therapy and address how she felt about these statements made by the therapist. It can be a way to work through and learn how do protect herself when she is , or is feeling attacked, physically or verbally.</p>
<p>I am not leaving my therapist right now too. Leaving a husband is enough at the moment. I’m also not the delicate flower I seem to have portrayed myself as, and the only reason I’ve been so pathetic in relation to my husband is because I wanted to do anything possible to save my marriage.</p>
<p>Sorry for the mini-post. I can’t post anything long at the moment but will later.</p>
<p>@ OP – earlier you mentioned dropping the classes you are currently enrolled in. Did you do that?</p>
<p>I applaud the OP for trying to take care of herself by getting out of a bad situation. It is also to be commended that she reached out to a therapist, and even to anonymous helpers on the internet. If she feels less than properly supported by her current therapist, she should find another one. </p>
<p>OTOH, it seemed unwarranted for so many posters to launch into talk of domestic violence, a battered women’s shelter, a restraining order, etc. It’s over the top to me. The last thing you need in a split is more drama (only the lawyers win in a bad divorce, unless there is a substantial estate to divide or an unusual custody battle). Obviously if the OP feels that her safety is in jeopardy then she should get out NOW. I’m not reading that, however. I am going to add to posts 83 and 85 by parent57 and Oldfort with a different perspective than the majority on this thread.</p>
<p>This comment by the OP concerned me: </p>
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<p>That does not sound like the voice of a victim, nor does the pattern of entrapment evident in all of the recording and related activities seem like the actions of someone who is being victimized (I guess even this thread can serve as evidence of some sort). </p>
<p>It is difficult to assess what is going on in the household of an anonymous poster (we have not heard the other side). If rants are being recorded, was there a prior rant by the other person in the room that is not on the tape? Did the mom also call the dad inappropriate names in front of the child? Do people who are truly afraid have the wherewithal to methodically plan and record and amass evidence for a successful court battle? Maybe they do. </p>
<p>I know it is critical to listen and give compassion to people when they come for help and claim to be a victim, but I also have seen multiple women in real life exaggerate and even completely fabricate situations in order to fair better in a split. In these situations the victim was the husband. Worse, I have seen them actually begin to believe what they were spinning (zoosermom made a thread recently on this). I’m not saying the OP is making anything up, but I am trying to post another perspective (because these threads end up existing long after the specific people involved move on). </p>
<p>I am sorry if my input upsets the OP in any way, but I thought the point that there could be another side to this needed to be made. There is certainly ample advice supporting the OP here, so that’s good. I guess I am concerned that the support might have been a little too zealous. It is important to remember that the OP has never been physically harmed or threatened. I understand that emotional and verbal abuse can be as bad, but there are things in some of the OP’s posts, including a long-term therapist’s reticence, which give me pause.</p>
<p>This comment by another poster also concerned me:</p>
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<p>I am not a lawyer, but I have read about new trends in divorce litigation protecting parents when the well has been poisoned against them. I would tread carefully with your daughter and seek professional, pediatric, in-person advice when it comes to impacting her perspective on her father. There are two sides to every story, and a four year old child does not need to hear either of them.</p>
<p>In the absence of physical abuse that can be documented at a medical facility, I think that consultation with an attorney experienced with divorce and child custody is essential before OP takes DD and disappears.</p>
<p>Adad, I meant to make that important point as well and forgot to do so. Two thumbs up. </p>
<p>It is also most important to consider what is best for the child when it comes to the manner in which either parent leaves the home. There may be no need to create a traumatic memory. Again, professional guidance is critical.</p>
<p>It is imperative to be completely honest in therapy. I have seen with my daughter just what a waste of time therapy could be if the person seeking help is trying to withhold information. It seems odd that the therapist has not had a better handle of what is really going on but I have seen first hand just how people could really fool even a good therapist. I think if the OP wants to continue to see this therapist than full disclosure must be expected and nothing short of that should be considered. OP you can’t receive the proper help for all that you are going through if you can not be honest in regard to what is going on. I don’t think I would judge this therapist too harshly considering this information seemed to come out of no where.</p>
<p>I also don’t think anyone on this board is either equiped to really help you since no one here knows the situation completely. Again, I am speaking from experience. OP seek the help from real life people who understand all that is involved so that your decisions will not be in haste or with an outcome that you will later regret.</p>