<p>You told us how your counselor responded when you told her about your husband. You have mentioned that you have recorded your husbands rants. Did you have your counselor listen to any of these? I would encourage her to listen to your recordings so that she can get a fuller picture of your home life. </p>
<p>Wish you well…</p>
<p>I think that some of the posters who suggested a shelter did so because the OP has few resources and nowhere else to go. If she really needs to leave now then a shelter might be her only viable option. Maybe at the shelter the staff can help her problem solve to figure out where she goes from there.</p>
<p>I am thinking this is going to be my last post because I feel more confused about what I’m doing the longer this thread gets, though much of it has been very helpful.</p>
<p>I started recording his outbursts mainly because I want to be believed that I’m not just being selfish or a jerk for leaving. I’m not entrapping him. I’m not inducing him to say what he’s saying. He just says it and so I record it since, as someone’s said, sometimes people make up abuse just to make the other person look bad. I can’t win. Either I’m unfairly recording him or everyone will think I’m a liar. It’s not like I want to go around telling everybody, “Hey, he’s abusive! Let me spill all the details!” I don’t really want to tell anyone at all, as you can clearly tell based on how I didn’t tell my therapist. I just need something so he can’t convince people I’m crazy or too sensitive. No, I don’t ever call him names. When I do mean things, it’s accidental. As far as me not acting like, I don’t know, a proper victim, I can’t see how there’s anything I can say to argue with that since it seems so arbitrary.</p>
<p>When I started this thread I was still furious from the way he’d treated me the day before, and I had no idea which direction to go in to get out of here. I don’t really know that I need to go to a shelter - apparently nothing around here has any available spots and so even if one opened up, I can’t justify possibly taking a spot from someone actually being hit already, not just theorizing on whether or not they’ll be hit.</p>
<p>I withdrew from school for the semester and I’ve gone to see a few attorneys during my school time since DH doesn’t know I’ve withdrawn. </p>
<p>I can’t tell him before leaving. I don’t know what happens when most marriages break up, but I’ll just give a little rundown of how that would go:</p>
<ol>
<li>He’d tell me I am not, in fact, going to leave. I would be told (I know this because I’ve said I would leave if he didn’t treat me better in the past):
-I have nowhere to go, so I can’t leave.
-I have no money, so I can’t leave.
-I’m in therapy and on ADs, so he will tell everyone I am crazy.</li>
</ol>
<p>All of these things would be yelled at me. I am not sure how long he could go at it since I’ve always crumpled pretty quickly when this has happened in the past. Then, I doubt he’d let me take our daughter out of the house even to walk over to the CVS. If I want to go for a walk to feel better after he’s finished yelling at me while I sob pathetically, he tends to block the door and not let me out until later when I’m not upset anymore. This would lead to me having to pretend I was not going to leave, and we’d be back to where I’m at now. </p>
<p>I am not a fortune teller and I really don’t know if he’d ever hit me. He has never threatened to hit me. I was thinking about things that might point one way or another, and this is what I came up with:
<p>That’s all I can really think of though, so… I don’t know. </p>
<p>I’m sorry that I may not be making much sense. My brain and my emotions are fried from thinking about these things so much, 24/7.</p>
<p>Oh, I just remembered to say I will not say anything bad about DH to DD when we leave. Feeling a little calmer now and thinking through things a little more, I realized I shouldn’t do that. </p>
<p>I am not sure if I’m going to keep reading the thread since, like I said, it’s confusing me at this point. I welcome any pm’s anybody feels like sending though.</p>
<p>My comments on the therapist can only be based upon what I read here, as can anyone else’s, but if the words the OP put out there are the exact words the therapist used, it raised red flags for me, because they came off as judgemental and quite frankly taking sides (for example, how can the therapist say “he loves you” as a response to when someone wants to leave their spouse, and if the patient didn’t fully disclose, how can she say that?). From the post, it sounds like the OP herself was upset with what her therapist said, felt attacked, and that isn’t a good sign. I am not a therapist, but I spent a good number of years with a good one working on some pretty nasty issues, both myself and in my relationships, and while at times I disagreed with my therapist or grew angry with her, I never felt like she was taking sides or judging me, and I never heard her use anything like those words. I was dealing with life changing issues, issues where decisions had major consequences, and my therapist talked about them with me, pointed out the consequences, guided me without that kind of talk. You are right none of us were there, and it is possible the OP shaded what was said, but the words even in any context I can think of sound judgemental and harsh.</p>
<p>And yes, people can hide things from therapists or not tell them things, I was guilty of it, but by the time I had been with her for several years, as the OP was, I felt safe enough that I stopped doing that, and it made me wonder if she didn’t tell the therapist about hubby because she didn’t feel safe, like she would be judged.</p>
<p>That said, given what is going on maybe changing therapists isn’t the best tack to take at this point. My advice to the OP, though, is the next time you see the therapist, challenge her on her words, tell her you felt after telling her you want to leave your husband that you felt attacked, etc, that is your right and is part of the trust process. Tell her you felt judged, that she seemed to be taking sides rather then trying to help you; a good therapist will respond by trying to make you feel comfortable, apologize if she didn’t feel safe and work on rebuilding the trust, because without trust therapy is worthless. I also agree, give her the full background on hubby, let her listen to the rants, etc, and see what she thinks about the situation then. Therapists are trained, among other things, to discern the wheat from the chaff, for example how someone says something or things not said can mean more then what is said, then see what she says. I will add to the OP that if after several sessions you don’t feel like the therapist is working for you, then see what you need to do. In all fairness to your current therapist, it could be your reticence has limited what she can do, so if you are going to continue be brutally honest, don’t be afraid to tell her everything you are feeling and describe what has been going on, then judge her by how she reacts. </p>
<p>And while I can understand why people might think the OP could be setting up to make the hubby the bad guy and do better in divorce preceedings, that she is manipulating the situation, the one thing that doesn’t add up there is her posting on here. If as some have suggested she is manipulating the situation, trying to use it to create a false impression of hubby, etc, then why post here on CC? After all, none of us will be involved in the situation and her posts are not legally admissable, why would she reach out if this is all some scheme to walk away? Doesn’t make sense.</p>
<p>Speaking strictly as a husband, who has known a lot of other husbands and guys in general, the comment he made when she suggested they go to marital therapy or counseling doesn’t paint a positive impression (assuming those words are true). If my wife came to me upset, saying we needed counseling, that she was upset and if we didn’t she would leave, my first response wouldn’t be to laugh and say “You won’t leave, where would you go, you have nothing?”, it would be to ask her what was wrong. I have met guys like that, and IMO it shows someone who basically thinks nothing of his spouse/partner (yes, folks, I have known gay men and women like that), it is basicallly saying “why should I care what you feel, I own you”, and that isn’t good, along with the other things OP has written it doesn’t show someone who is interested in why the OP is upset, sounds like he feels so secure he doesn’t care and it is disrespectful IMO (and to the OP, that is just my opinion, I am not a therapist nor do I know the entire picture, so take it for what its worth). </p>
<p>And yes, folks, I have been in that position in my own life, I wasn’t the same as OP’s situation, but it was similar in that things I wasn’t doing right were tearing our marriage apart and while my wife never issued that ultimatum, I went because I realized it was important, that she was upset enough that it could end in that and I loved and respected her enough to see it through, as hard as it was. It was at a time when my wife was very dependent on me, similar to the OP’s position (young child, SAHM), and while looking back I can see places and times where I got away with things I shouldn’t have because she prob did feel vulnerable (which I regret to this day doing, I didn’t realize it at the time).</p>
<p>For the OP, unless you feel in imminent danger I do agree with others to take time to think this through and work it out either with this therapist or if you decide they aren’t working with you, for someone else. You need to sort out your feelings and think through what you need to do, if there is someway to save the marriage, if you have any hope, then do that, but if you really feel like you have to move on, then do so from as strong a position as you can. Perhaps if your therapist has the picture of what is going on, the real picture (don’t hold anything back, to protect either yourself or your hubby), she can suggest what to do, don’t forget to tell her what hubby said when you suggested counseling to your H, the whole picture and then see what she says. If the marriage is to be saved the only way that can happen is if your husband is willing to change, I am speaking from experience on this as a husband and father, if the therapist says it is all up to you or puts the burden of saving the marriage on you alone find another therapist, that would be the last straw for me. And obviously, take my words as advice and see what sticks, I am not a therapist (even if I was, therapy over the net is like doing brain surgery with a butter knife), nor do I know the whole story, but that is what I think.</p>
<p>Marriages fail because people can’t live with each other or together. It’s always sad. All sorts of anger and emotions bubble up. Sides of people surface that sometimes will never be seen again. It’s messy. I read the therapist as probing…if in fact the Op had never discussed the unhappiness in the marriage. I agree with those that think the OP should continue seeing the therapist for awhile. The OP is still “worrying” about what the husband will say to others. When the OP doesn’t care anymore about what the spouse says to others I suspect the OP will know what needs to happen.</p>
<p>@ – OP Why did you drop out of school if you are contemplating leaving your husband? If you are going to be on your own then having a degree will put you in a better position for getting a job that pays well, which you will need as a single parent. Why are you spending time taping your husband to prove that he’s wrong and you’re right? You need to figure out where you will go and what you will do. I don’t think you should move in with someone who has been homeless and is just recently back on her feet. She is barely managing to take care herself, she is not in a position to take care of you and your daughter. I don’t think you should ask that of her.</p>
<p>Hope you and your D are still doing OK, OP. Wishing you the best in figuring out your future path. Sorry this thread is confusing, but everyone is offering their best thoughts, even tho we can’t be around and unfortunately are virtual strangers.</p>