2nd draft of my short essay

Applying to College
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I just finished 2nd draft of my research essay, and it is the last draft to post on this forum before I will go further for help (parents, teacher, online essay checker etc.). So, just give me honest comments! Also, I am still working on my grandfather essay (it is harder to revise than I thought), and I will post it later tonight or tomorrow.

What talent, accomplishment, or pursuit has given you the greatest joy or satisfaction? (NOTE: This is not the main essay-the word limit is 250 and this essay is longer-about 350 words. Question: will word limit brings negative impact on my essays?)

I peered into the microscope, entering a tiny but still mysterious world of cells. Dumbfounded, many thoughts ran through my mind at the speed of light. How can these small things start life? How do they interact with each other? How do they know their functions? How can they be simplest yet so complex unit at the same time? That is research. [I don’t like this sentence-sounds too corny-should be deleted?]

Research is something I love, something I can picture myself doing in college and real world. There is nothing like the thrill of having your experiment work, discovering new information, or seeing cells under the microscope. It allows me see something phenomenal almost everyday, making an unforgettable experience of my life. Most importantly, it allows me to apply the information I acquired in high school to major scientific research and to exercise my passion in science at the same time.

Even so, I need to feel that my research has the potential to have an impact on the way people live their life. I have no illusions that my high school research won’t be innovative and change the world. But, my intentions are to apply my knowledge to research, to communicate with others, and to improve my critical thinking skills. Research takes me closer to those goals and gives me the greatest joy.

Research also gives me some direction in my life when I didn’t decide where to apply for undergraduate study. I came into contact with dozens of researchers doing experiments in biomedical engineering. Being interested in research and biological field, I often asked them what college had the best program for them. The answer was overwhelming [Name] University- everyone seemed to be convinced that it was the academic center of research and undergraduate study. I know that at [Name] I can pursue research, while also learning more about the subject I am passionate about: [major]. I plan to use my research experiences, my dedication, and my thirst for education to make most of my university education.

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<p>This is SO much better than the last one, congratulations! I really think it’s improved drastically. Lots of story-telling, good examples. Maybe a little bit boring, but then again, I always find research boring :)</p>

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<p>good writing style and sentence structure, but the whole research topic seems like it’ll be overdone and sorta bland. You don’t spend enough time talking about yourself and what kind of person you are</p>

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<p>“You don’t spend enough time talking about yourself and what kind of person you are” good comment-I just realized. thanks</p>

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<p>When I was applying to colleges, most of the admissions ppl i spoke with said that it’s ok to go over the world limit by a little…not a hundred, though :-P. Overall, you’re essay is good, but I think you should definitely go into more detail about your research…and as harry said, talk about yourself more. Even though it’s a short essay, you still want to stand out. Good luck!</p>

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<p>Going over by that much on a short essay isn’t good. 100 on a regular essay is still pushing it, but it’s not as bad there if you really need to make your point.</p>

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<p>maybe in third paragraph after "I have no illusions that my high school research won’t be innovative and change the world, " I can say “but helps people in some way.” then, I will talk about my research project-how I helped the bone implant company and people. Then, I will explain that besides helping people, the reasons I do research are to “apply my knowledge to research, blah blah.”</p>

<p>Should I delete the last sentence of the first paragraph?</p>

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<p>That’s pretty good. I like the template in the last paragraph.</p>

<p>“Research also gives me some direction in my life when I didn’t decide where to apply for undergraduate study.”</p>

<p>Did you mean “hadn’t”</p>

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<p>yeah hadn’t</p>

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<p>“I have no illusions that my high school research won’t be innovative and change the world.”</p>

<p>Hmm…im not quite sure, but I think you have a double negative there. It would make more sense if you said: “I have no illusions that my high school research WILL be innovative and change the world.”</p>

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<p>okay makes sense lol</p>

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<p>Wow, this one is so much better! And everyone else has given the comments I would have. Congrats!</p>

<p>ps. - Don’t delete that sentence, I liked it…</p>

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<p>Thank you for your wonderful comments. You really helped me, thank you. I reduced the number of words from 350 to 285 and talked about my research projects too. It is a little more concise, and I deleted some sentences that weren’t necessary. I am feeling much better about my essays, and now I understand what colleges are looking for- make it personal, and show, not tell.</p>

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<p>Good luck with your college search! Some people find reading the books (especially by Bauld) helps. My son on the other hand thought they were too overwhelming…</p>

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<p>Here is my grandfather essay. It is still shaky and is about 40 words over word limit. </p>

<p>My grandfather wore a toothy grin as his worn hands nailed the final board, marking the end of construction, the beginning of a new home, and new opportunities for the recipient. I smiled blissfully at him with new respect for his passion to help the community. We were at Habitat for Humanity, and I was about to be a sophomore. At that time, I was hit with realization of an extraordinary influence my grandfather has been on me. </p>

<p>My grandfather was heavily involved in helping others who were in desperate needs. He read books to sick children in the International Red Cross, and donated his money to unfortunate families. His becoming more responsible gave me a desire to contribute to my community because I wanted to grow personally and become a mature young adult. Seeking community service, I found Club Youth Extending Service as a perfect opportunity. I became active by picking up trash from filthy highways, feeding starving children, and walking long miles for the promotion of cancer research. I learned to become more understanding and accepting.</p>

<p>While my grandfather enriched my life with his passion for helping others, my life was transformed by what he did broadly to people in other countries. He traveled to third countries and helped unfortunate families. He eagerly told me stories about grateful facial expression on families’ faces when he helped them. In less extreme way, I felt the same way he felt in Sharing and Caring Hands. Every time I served chili to a child who wore ragged, dirty clothes, I reminded myself to bless for everything I have and my wonderful parents who love me emotionally and financially. I learned to give to the community in exchange for a sense of love and life.</p>

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<p>Your essays have a lot of grammatical mistakes, still - plural vs. singular, specifically, seems to be a problem. Also, for example, in your first essay, the line:</p>

<p>“I have no illusions that my high school research won’t be innovative and change the world.”</p>

<p>What you’re saying here, if the sentence is analyzed, is that you DO think your high school research will be innovative and will change the world. A more appropriate phrasing:</p>

<p>I have no illusions that my high school research will be innovative or change the world.</p>

<p>As far as the second essay goes… bleh. Cookie cutter college app essay, nothing that an adcom won’t have read fifty times on the day he reads your essay. Also unfocused. For example:</p>

<p>“I became active by picking up trash from filthy highways, feeding starving children, and walking long miles for the promotion of cancer research. I learned to become more understanding and accepting.”</p>

<p>The first sentence, even when viewed within the context of the essay as a whole, could be said to have at best a loose connection with the second sentence. Without a point of contrast within the essay (an example of how you actually changed), the essay lacks ‘oomph.’ In my opinion, of course.</p>

<p>My suggestions on style and subject are just suggestions; however, run your essays past an English teacher before submitting them.</p>

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<p>wow_98, I liked the ‘grandfather’ essay better than the previous draft. I’d add another suggestion. Instead of saying your grandfather travelled to third world countries (did you mean third countries or third world countries?), why not mention them by name and any specific incident related to that? But stick to your word limit. Mentioning countries and incidents by name will make it more interesting. But remember, the focus is on you and not him. How about saying that hearing about his travels made you more conscious of problems around the world?</p>

<p>Then, I thought this sentence did not add anything to the gist of the essay and sounds too goody-two-shoes:
“His becoming more responsible gave me a desire to contribute to my community because I wanted to grow personally and become a mature young adult”.</p>

<p>Was he being more responsible, or just more generous? And is there a need to state that you want to become a mature young adult? Don’t state these things which imho, sound self-evident.</p>

<p>This sentence also needs work:
"In less extreme way, I felt the same way he felt in Sharing and Caring Hands. "
How about ‘In a more humble way…’?</p>

<p>I think you could take out some of the preachy parts (sorry, I don’t have a word for it now) and illustrate more.</p>

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<p>wow_98, if you look at the essay advice at the top of the forum, (from ohio-mom, SBMom and others) you’ll see, editing essays multiple times, looking at every word and it’s relevance will help you cut out unnecessary words. For example:</p>

<p>“We were at Habitat for Humanity, and I was about to be a sophomore. At that time, I was hit with realization of an extraordinary influence my grandfather has been on me.”</p>

<p>Could be cut to:
"We were at a Habitat for Humanity site, visiting, when I realized what an extraordinary influence my grandfather has been in my life’.</p>

<p>From 33 to 23 words and perhaps you can cut more.</p>

<p>Then this sentence:
“I learned to become more understanding and accepting.”</p>

<p>To:
“I learned to have more empathy”.</p>

<p>The parts about the lessons you learned could be illustrated and not mentioned. That would make it more interesting.</p>

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<p>"We were at a Habitat for Humanity site, visiting, when I realized what an extraordinary influence my grandfather has been in my life’.</p>

<p>could even be cut to</p>

<p>“We were visiting a Habitat for Humanity site when I realized what an extraordinary influence my grandfather has been in my life.”</p>

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<p>so let me get this straight. You need to have your normal essay, and then there’s also a short essay, right?</p>