My mother’s Gentleman Friend wants them to get married. They’re both Catholic and regular church-goers, but he’s a lot more conservative than she is. She’s willing to have a church wedding to make him comfortable. They wouldn’t move in together (they actually live in different states) or change anything, really. He just wants to be “right in the eyes of God.”
They’ve got plans to consult a priest, but were taken aback when my siblings and I suggested they consult a lawyer (I don’t know what his family said about the plan). GF has a physically disabled adult child whose care he has made provisions for. It would be awful if those carefully-made plans were invalidated by a marriage. My mother said it would just be a church ceremony, not civil, but I’m not sure that’s possible. Marriage is marriage, isn’t it? Would their marriage supersede all the other arrangements they’ve made? This relationship has taken them both by surprise, in the nicest way! But they’re not sure about changing things like decision-making in case of hospitalization, and things like that.
They are going to consult a priest and a lawyer. I just wondered if anyone here has experience with this and any advice.
A spouse takes legal precedence over a child except in Louisiana (and maybe some other states, I don’t know).
My experience with my father’s second marriage went like this - cordial with Stepmom and her daughters, but kind of left out. The older folks move to assisted living and we’re told a month or so later (“your father could have told you any time” - the daughters). When Dad is in the hospital, I have to call Stepmom/daughters to get permission to speak to anyone about his care. Dad is moved into a nursing home and we’re told after the fact (“it was a very difficult decision for us to make, I hope you appreciate that” - the daughters). He dies, and they make all the funeral arrangements. No they won’t let us spread his ashes at sea like he wanted - she would get seasick. We were never officially told by them where his ashes were interred.
So, if your Mom gets married again, at an age where infirmity on either side can happen quickly, please get some legal protections in place for everyone concerned.
I was married in June in a ceremony but it wasn’t legal until a while later when we turned in the official license. I didn’t turn it in until my LGBT friends could marry. So in the eyes of the state, we were not married until that license was turned in regardless of whether or not we had a ceremony.
However, this would depend on whether or not a priest would do a “church” ceremony without the legal license.
Are either of them in common law states? Agree that they need lawyer(s) to sketch out the legalities of the situation. I’m not sure “just a church ceremony” even works on the God front.
Would GF and the church be okay with calling it a ‘blessing’ and not a legal marriage? I agree that all the legal implications should be discussed. There was an article in yesterday’s LA Times about stepparents cutting children off from their father/mother when the parent became ill. The stepparent controls everything as greenwitch said.
A priest can’t do an actual marriage ceremony without the civil license, so if they don’t get that, it would be more of a blessing ceremony. And if they are not going to live together, why get married? You were wise to ask your mother to consult a lawyer.
FIL did a postnuptual agreement ( at one year later- not sure what that is about) with attorneys help. They were 80 at second marriage, each both spouses had previously died and they had adult children. H was POA for FIL . That happened after the above second wife died.
So, pre or postnuptial would be an option? Get POA in place. They both kept their homes and lived in a half hour of each other. He lived with her. She passed away first a few years ago. FIL died past few months. The POA was very helpful when FIL was sick.
Ok maybe I’m wrong but the statement He just wants to be “right in the eyes of God.” probably means that until they are married they aren’t going to fool around and maybe they want to?
I would definitely get a lawyer involved to make sure that everything is spelled out as to what happens in case of death or one needs to go into a nursing home. For example I would think that the other spouses assets would have to be used in the event of needing care before medicaid takes over…
After my mother passed away, my father met a very nice woman. They decided to marry. My father, being the most careful and cautious man in the world (belt and suspenders was only half of it) had them both sign a pre-nup which stated that all the assets each of them came into the marriage with remained their own, and that each of them would leave to their [all adult] children their own assets. My father did it not only to protect himself but also to reassure my sister [the estate lawyer] and me.
It all worked out very well, especially because my father had more money, and her DIL was a nut. Really and truly disturbed. So we were all protected.
I blessed a gay relationship before marriage was legalized for gays. I will not bless relationships for couples who could legally marry but choose not to. So I irritate liberals and conservatives. Two weddings in the next three weeks. One a couple who has lived together for six years and whose pastor won’t marry them because they were “living in sin”. The other a gay couple who I love dearly.
They need to consult an attorney. I work in an assisted living facility and it gets very complicated when their adult children become involved. I had one resident in particular who had no family to advocate for him , and he was definitely taken advantage of by his wife’s children even though they had been married 35 years.
Yep. Dumb isn’t it? You’d think he’d be eager to marry them. I had a similar situation awhile back where that pastor said he’d marry them if one of them moved out for a month or two first.
LAWYER!!! Are you kidding me? REALLY?
Get somebody to talk some sense!
They aren’t even in the same state!!!
It smells of scam all over!!!
And don’t assume “mom doesn’t have any assets” or other such nonsense so it doesn’t matter.
You DON’T know. Period.
A marriage license changes ALL sorts of things.
It makes wills change. The “it goes to the kids” is now to the surviving spouse"
And it depends on the state.
No will? that could be even worse.
Trusts change. Who dies first? Where does that money go?
Stocks? Treasury bills? Bank accounts? On and on and on.
Do NOT think of this as protecting YOU as a potential beneficiary.
You are protecting your relative from being scammed and preserving what they’ve worked for all their lives from being ripped off by scam artists.
@gouf78 The OP’s relative wants the opposite: a religious ceremony but no legal ties.
Those relationships are not recognized by much of anyone. One concern was about making health decisions. Unmarried partners have no say. One of my organists was in a relationship for 20 years. When he was hospitalized and dying his homophobic sister acted as next of kin and banned all but family from visiting. His partner had POA but was not allowed to see him.
If they truly want to be a couple they should get married. Or maybe in this case a liberal priest who will tell the gentleman friend he’s not damned to hell if they don’t marry.
True story. No prenup. The new husband said he was. Great investor. Convinced his new wife to take a lump,sum withdrawal of her pension…which he then squandered on God only knows what. Kids found out too late to help. Damage was done.
The wife divorced him…got nothing because he had NOTHING. She is now living with one of her kids. Social security only, and no pension. She retired a while ago…her SS isn’t all that much. Her pension was fabulous.
Protect your relative. See a lawyer before they marry.