<p>Have any of you parents been able to expose a boyfriend that you disapprove of? DD thinks he is the love of her life! If so, how did you do it? Riding out this storm is killing us!</p>
<p>Is there anything to actually expose, or are you a typical overprotective parent?</p>
<p>How about this for a cautionary tale? Our daughter just married the boyfriend that we were vocally not pleased with. We’ll never have the laboratory test conditions to know if it would have a different outcome, but if I had it to do over again, we would have kept our objections to ourselves. Our issues were mostly about the fact he has no obvious way of contributing to their support and is, in fact, on an apparently indefinite break from work. It’s heartbreaking–she’s only 22 and just graduated from school. But, we left her little room to maneuver around our objections without looking as if she were giving in to us. Unless lives are at stake, you may do better to just ride it out and be the soft place to land rather than the stumbling block and reason they stay together.</p>
<p>What do you mean with that? You don’t like the kid? Is he a bad person?
I wouldn’t advice what I did because now that it’s over, I’m crying the loss of “mine” child.
One friend of mine told me about boyfriends “like them or get rid of them!” And I starting to invite the kid over for dinner to learn about him, after that came another dinner, then lunch, followed by vacations and when we knew very well the kid, we got attached to him. After two years and a half my D dumped him. So be careful, give him a try, observe him closely and if there is no way that is acceptable, have a long talk with your D.</p>
<p>My dad told me not to marry the love of my 20 year old life. He told me the fellow was too good looking to be faithful. I didn’t think I was listening to him but I did get out the relationship after a year. I married another good looking man who didn’t have those ‘bedroom eyes’ as my dad called it.</p>
<p>I’ve been married 23 years. My first love has been married SIX times, no children.</p>
<p>Bulldog, what is it exactly that bothers you? I will share that D. started dating a boy when she was 16. We liked the boy at first, then started getting weird vibes. D.'s personality changed, she dropped girlfriends, if she was out with us–he called every 30min to see when she would be back, she gained weight and the list could go on. </p>
<p>To me these s/s were possibly of an abusive relationship. When I broached it with her, she adamantly denied it. It took over 2 years more for her to finally dump him and she admitted afterward that it was a psychologically abusive relationship and we had problems with him stalking her after the break up.</p>
<p>I don’t know what we should have done differently. If she had been honest with us, I would have forbid him to be near her in a heart beat. But like many abused women, she thought the problems were hers for a long time and defended him.</p>
<p>If your situation is anything like this…don’t let it escalate.</p>
<p>Sometimes it’s hard to talk when teenagers are in love because they simply don’t listen. I had many issues with my D’s boyfriend, and every time I tried to point them out, it was worst, tantrums by two without any help from his parents that believed that once the kids can drive, they are already adults. Now, they blame me for pointing out those issues that they seemed to not acknowledge before.
To mention a few, when they were in their six months anniversary, his Dad called me saying that he was taking the kids some place far away for dinner and that he would pick them up after that; I asked him where that was, and he told me that it was a surprise to my D (then 14 years old) and that he wouldn’t tell me. I said that if I don’t know where she was going, she wasn’t going, no matter who is taking her. His dad called me “a bad mother” ”queen of ruining your D life”, and after that, he said that he would take my D I like it or not. Obviously, he didn’t do it, but that was followed by a talk about this whole family. The kid was ok, so the relationship kept going. This year, the boy joined a fraternity and he was having his formal. He invited my D, but we said no because it was at a hotel a thousand miles away from home and more than four hundred from the college. I don’t know why he came after that saying that if my D wasn’t allowed to go, he would be going with another girl and he will shared the hotel room with her. It was a kind of blackmail. It made me very angry. I talked to the boy about that and I was clear about my expectations from him. His parents got offended, how could I talk to the boy if he only wanted to have the party and sleep with the companion? In this relationship my issues were more with the parents than the boy itself, and my D never was able to listen to me.</p>
<p>My girlfriend’s parents, many moons ago, weren’t keen on her dating me. Now, Dad is like my surrogate father and Mom and I have a comfortable repoire. </p>
<p>But the initial shock of someone dating their “little girl” was too much at first, and only a jerk was capable of being that guy. I swear, I’m not a jerk!</p>
<p>Man how the eff do you get married SIX times???</p>
<p>When our D’s have had boyfriends (or any type of friend) that we had bad vibes about or of whom we did not approve, we usually discussed our concerns with them. It is very hard for me not to express my opinion–I am the proverbial mother bear! If my kids think I am being unreasonable, judgemental, then I cannot get through to them. </p>
<p>Sometimes we have told them–you cannot be with this person because of the serious nature of the problem. Other times we have said that we trust her judgement, but watch and observe. Usually, they make the right decision on their own. </p>
<p>Each situation is different. Use your good judgement, but stay calm. Try to keep the communication as open as possible. This is a challenge for me with one of my Ds.</p>
<p>Good luck–don’t give up!</p>
<p>Lots of thoughts…</p>
<p>Relationship talks should have been happening for years now. You cannot, in a few days or weeks, make up for years of not having transmitted your values to your kids. I think that many parents are afraid of telling their kids (especially their Ds) what constitutes a healthy relationship, from the inside out. Don’t talk about what a healthy relationship looks like on the outside, but talk about how people in relationships support each other; how fights are normal but being demoralized is not; and how the person’s actions should back up the words of caring. </p>
<p>I actually support parental intervention if they are concerned about abuse. Teenagers have excellent b.s. detectors; if you don’t like the kid’s race, home, or personality, they will sense that. They’ll also know WHY you are complaining. This can be a great thing if you have genuine concerns and good intentions.</p>
<p>As for talking to a D in an abusive relationship,
- it needs to happen; and
- it’s all about the approach.</p>
<p>When you’re in an abusive relationship, EVERYTHING is a fight. Seeing your girlfriends - formerly your soul sisters before he showed up - is a fight. Spending time away from him is a fight. Doing homework is a fight. Eating is a fight. He wants to dominate every element of your life and run it for you - so basic autonomy is a struggle. You give in because, well, fighting stinks and is no way to live your life. If your parents start making demands - any demands - you are caught between a rock and a hard place. I often wondered why my parents got on my case, because I was struggling so hard to keep the relationship together. I also felt like it was a “shoot the messenger” thing - he was the one who wanted to do the things that they did not approve of, so I resented them being angry at me, when I was already disagreeing with him over it. </p>
<p>If a boyfriend repeatedly calls during dinner, do the exact same thing you would do with an annoying female friend - tell your D that the phone is OFF during dinner hours (by the way, only works if you ALL respect this during dinner!). If he calls or gets mad (which he will), then call him yourself and OWN it. Say, “Billy Bob, it is a rule in my family that we do not answer the phone during dinner. I have tried to let my daughter deal with this on her own, but she has failed to communicate with you. Stop calling during dinner. She isn’t dying and you two aren’t brokering world peace on the eve of thermonuclear destruction - there is nothing that cannot wait. This is my rule and my D will live by it. If you do not respect this rule, you are free to not date her. May I speak with your parents?” Trust me on two counts. The bf’s parents are always aware that their son is messed up; also, the bf won’t be reined in without his parents. Make consistent, easy to follow messages.</p>
<p>As for what to say to her - of course, do not blame her for anything. Realize that she’s already overwhelmed and will defend him, because, if she doesn’t, he’ll be on her case and will make her life hell. As for “magic bullet” words or discussions, I can give you a wish list of what I would have wanted people to say to me or do:
-“Are you happy now? You were happy when you started dating, but are you happy today? Not because of the way the relationship used to be, but where it is now?”
-“What do you miss most about being single?” (The answer to this question will tell you a LOT about the state of your D’s relationship. If it’s, “The annual single girls’ Valentine’s Day party,” then she probably found a good guy. If it’s “Having time to do homework/see my girlfriends/not fighting/feeling like myself,” then worry.
-“What does Billy Bob like about you?” Another telling question. Good boyfriends are clear about what they like about their girlfriends - hair, brains, personality quirks, whatever. Abusers and users constantly tell their g/fs how unworthy they are. I constantly heard (at 5’8 and 120, 125 max) that I was chubby. I heard that I was unattractive and couldn’t find anyone else. He praised my “work ethic,” never my mind nor ambition. He accused me of cheating or of hiding things - he did not trust me to be honest. He said he loved me, but acted and spoke like he hated me.<br>
-A mild thing that one of my friends said to me was, “I’ve always trusted you; you’re one of the few people whom I’ve always known that I can trust. He’ll learn to trust you, too - we all do.” The strong form of that would be, “Everyone trusts you - deservedly. If he doesn’t, that’s his issue and tell him to work through it himself.”
-“XYZ element of your relationship worries me.” Be specific, but not nitpicky. The ones that I heard (wish I heard it more clearly/ or that it had been said more loudly) were, “the fact that he makes everything a competition,” or “His biggest fear is that you’re smarter than he is… and every objective measure tells him that you are,” or, “When he tags along with your girlfriends for girl time, wants to see you every day, and calls you because he thinks that you can’t live without him, I worry. Where does he get off micromanaging you?”<br>
-One of the things that helped solidify the issues for me was seeing a chart of 15 signs of an abusive relationship. They say that if he fits 3 or 4, to watch out. He fit 11.<br>
-Introduce the concept of the “D-minus” person. There are hypercritical peopel for whom nothing is ever good enough; your best rates a D-minus, and signs of being human earn Fs. Those people need to be on their own island and leave the rest of us alone.<br>
-The biggest one is taking her out of his control so she feels fresh air. Shut off the cell during dinner; don’t feel the need to play-act marriage by inviting him along to family functions (IMO, a huge mistake that parents make); take a weekend vacation with the fam and just the fam (again, don’t play-act marriage). All kids leave cells at home during said mini-vacation. </p>
<p>I also had a stalking problem. That problem went away when my dad threatened to kill him. That was the ONLY thing that got him out of my life. That was the ONLY way that my life would not be run according to the ex’s dictates. </p>
<p>To the OP: apply those questions as applicable. Try asking what he says he likes about her; if she’s as happy now as she was when she started dating him; and what she misses about being single.</p>
<p>Wonderful post aries.</p>
<p>Ariesathena pretty much nails it.</p>
<p>Great advice ariesathena! I will try to remember your words as my teenage daughter is getting very involved in dating.</p>
<p>ariesathena, I am printing out your post and saving it. Thank You!!!</p>
<p>ari- very good post</p>
<p>my D had a friend, Girl, who had worst BF…in fact, their “relationship” ruined a college trip we were all on…well, he wasn’t, but might as well have been…all that obnoxious texting that went back and forth all day and night long</p>
<p>breaking up about 6 times in two days while across country from each other</p>
<p>the BF and Girl’s infatuation with him actually damaged all the girls’ friendships, as the BF was abusive (not physically, but close enough) and my D and her friends told Girl how they thought he treated Girl badly, etc…they did it because they saw danger coming and the change in Girl…who of course ignored advice, but D and friends thought they needed to say something</p>
<p>Girl gravtitated to “friends” told her BF just loved her sooo much, he couldn’t help being such a jerk…</p>
<p>To this day, a very tight friendship has been lost, but they still talk, my D doesn’t regret saying anything. she would have felt awful is she didn’t</p>
<p>Your post was right on target</p>
<p>CGM, good for your D, for doing the right thing even when it’s hard.</p>
<p>Ariesathena, I read you message with Goosebumps. I had the same feeling Bulldog has at the beginning of my Ds relationship with her BF, but I let it go. I thought that trying to make an understanding about rules with my D and her BF was enough. Every time a new problem arose, we sat together for a new talk, but sometimes, the kids werent open to the talk or refused to accept the rules, and I have to get to talk with his parents. They werent happy about this, they were very comfortable knowing that somebody else was taking care of their sons behavior.
I had to teach him not to enter my house without ringing the bell and greeting the hosts whoever they were, I had to teach him that even if it was summer, there no way he could go around my house in underwear; I have to teach him good manner and no taking back to adults
I should put an end to this relationship long before, but its was the time my D did. I was and I still hurt about her suddenly decision, but an e-mail from this kid’s mom helped to heal faster: I have told you numerous times in the past that the details of Ns and N’s relationship are not something I want to hear about.
If you have a problem with N its your responsibility to speak with him and does not involve me. You and I may differ on this subject.
I do not feel to get together with you, your daughter dumped my boy, so go to hell
I couldnt believe this behavior on a 58 years old woman mother of a 19 years old boy. Maybe I was right about my feelings at the beginning.</p>
<p>Yeah Aries is totally hot in my book.</p>
<p>cressmom, at least your D is out of that and seeing the note from boy’s mom…double ick</p>
<p>imagine, that could have been mother-in-law</p>
<p>glad your D is safe and out of that relationship</p>