A fascinating (and a bit frightening) parenting story . . .

Parent Cafe
21

<p>Wow! This is one torqued-up lady. She’s found a way to position herself as a perfect “professional mother” and mothering expert while delegating much of the hands-on parenting to a group of subordinates. It’s all about her. It’s incredibly disturbing. </p>

<p>Just think of how many kinds of private lessons this kid will have, and personal coaches, tutors, etc., as his “village” grows larger and more complex. Everything will be anticipated for him. He’ll live under a microscope. Will he become a superstar or a neurot?</p>

<p>CC people, place your bets: will she do all the research and manage her own kid’s college application process?</p>

22

<p>This woman is hardly exceptional. Anyone who keeps in touch with classmates from top colleges and fellow hires at ibanks, consulting firms, top law firms and the like knows many, many such woman. </p>

<p>When a woman is a type A overachiever, she takes the same approach to raising a child as she did to all of the things that made her a success such as getting into a top college and top firm. It’s hard to leave your drive on the table and woman look for business outlets that are child centered. </p>

<p>The self righteous critism here and assumption that the kid will be in trouble strikes me a bit funny from those who spend endless time making sure their kid gets into the right college. Don’t get me wrong, these women would also criticize many of you who chose such different pathes, sure your kids won’t amount to much because you’re not cutting edge.</p>

<p>Bottom line, women need to stop bashing each other.</p>

23

<p>Most people on this board want to make sure their kids get into the college which is right for that child, not necessarily the “best” college. We also enjoy swapping anecdotes and advice about teenagers, high schools, etc., both positive and negative. There is something very unwholesome about that woman’s attitude toward her child, and it is not “women bashing” to say so.</p>

24

<p>If the mom in the article talked about love, caaring, giving of herself, well, maybe we would be a bit more understanding, but her son is like a show dog. Something she work is able to work intoher schedule.</p>

<p>I will bash away at someone who has a child as doesnt’ appear to care or love that child.</p>

25

<p>And to approach raising another human being the same way you approach the business world is pathetic. Having people around for support is one thing, treating your child like a business adventure is cruel</p>

26

<p>I’m sure all of your lives and kids are perfect and that your way is the right way. This is a business article with a reporter wanting to skew this in the same way many of you do. It gives the reporter’s low paying job (or his wife’s choice) some validity in their own minds.</p>

<p>How can you even begin to suggest this woman doesn’t love her child? Brother!</p>

27

<p>Please note my comments earlier. Of course she loves her child.

My life and my kids aren’t perfect. I’ve learned to merge into a whole cloth all the parts of my life as a woman, wife, and mother who has always worked full-time outside the home, but the process always revolves around humor, rules, and loving arms. I didn’t see much of that in what the reporter was presenting. Believing that management techniques and enough money will make your life and your child “perfect” is a sad fiction. </p>

<p>I also believe, as you do, that the article was subtly skewed, and I hope the family is given a chance to respond to the inevitable comments.</p>

28

<p>“I try to use something called ‘empathetic communication’ with him,” she said. “I try to intellectualize the process, because it’s easy to get mad.”*</p>

<p>Isabel’s channel, Alpha Mom TV, was for “the new breed of ‘go to’ moms who are constantly looking to be ahead of the curve and ‘in the know’ on the newest innovations, hippest trends and research breakthroughs.</p>

<p>She had begun talking to Craig (her husband by this time; she liked his drive, too) about finding a new product, when the discussion somehow got knotted up with having a baby. It was soon decided that Isabel would take some time off, consider her career options, do the baby while she was at it. And the baby, she thought, was eminently doable, “something we really dedicated time in our schedules for.”</p>

<p>Craig marveled at how she dived “into motherhood in such a devoted way, not dissimilar to how she approached her job.”</p>

<p>ANd my FAVE</p>

<p>“You know what I love? I have absolute control over my day. I carve out the time I want with my son and the time I want with my husband. Everything I do is on my own terms.”</p>

<p>She never talks about joy, love, the fun of being a parent, jsut the product she is creating- the perfect child.</p>

<p>blech</p>

<p>Her passion is totally for her business, it almost seems as if the son was a lab rat…double blech</p>

<p>If she once, just once, showed love of husband or child, I would be less judgmental.</p>

<p>I don’t care she works 100 hours a week, I don’t care she has a nanny,and a baby sitter, I don’t Isabel cites research saying that spoiling is an obsolete notion, that is really just too funny…</p>

29

<p>How many mothers you know can honestly say “Everything I do is on my own terms” ?? To me, this statement is incompatible with being a mother.</p>

30

<p>Here, here Zagat! As a mother and partner in a law firm, I have taken more crap from other women than from men. Self righteous is an excellent way to put it–so many women who feel they have done the right thing by staying home with focus on children alone and assume that their kids will turn out far superior for the attention and family only care. </p>

<p>The woman in the article worked at an investment banker for years and expresses herself as a business woman would. Do not confuse this with lack of love or caring. History will probably show us that the most successful humans were products of happy parents beyond all else. Parents not just made happy by children in many cases, but ones with well rounded lives. We talk the talk about well rounded kids, but what about us?</p>

31

<p>I don’t think that being happy is what this mom is about. Its about power and control, but I guess if that is her way of being happy. By the way, this is a stay at home mom, like me, and I find her way of “raising” her child a bit sad.</p>

<p>Being a parent is something special- my mother worked, do you know whether I work or not? You made some assumptions about the other posters here. </p>

<p>I guess we didn’t read the same article. We are not judging working parents, we are talking about a particular mom who looks and presents her kid like something she is able to schedule into her life. WHy have a kid then? She discusses not have any maternal instincts or feelings. That she has to read about that. </p>

<p>Having a child involves sacrifice- of ego, of self, of some personal space, it what it is. </p>

<p>If a mom or dad choose to work, great, that is not the point. THis mom is a stay at home mom now, starting a business, and I still find her obnoxious. She puts in over a hundred hours a week, to start a tv channel about how to be better parents. Its like the they are discussing raising orchids- the “right” light, the “right” container, not about the children at all- their needs, their boundaries.</p>

<p>And if happy means that you consider your child some THING to be scheduled, well, I feel for that child. </p>

<p>I don’t care that moms and dads work. Many want to many have to- its the time they spend with their CHILD that is important. So don’t call us self righteous. </p>

<p>And there is a huge difference between a baby, a toddler, and someone going to college.</p>

<p>And what is CUTTING EDGE? with regards to parenting. Is that giving kids anything they want? Buying all the designer gear? Doing the school track starting as 1 year olds? What am I missing by not being cutting edge?</p>

32

<p>My impression from reading this article is that this woman became pregnant in an effort to gain some passion from all her energy and drive.
She is discounting her husbands opinion and importance in his relationship with their child and with herself and wants to be in total control.
Frankly it reminds me of a CSI episode where the husband who took a backseat to his more ambitous wife ended up in a S/M relationship in which he took out a lot of his supressed emotions.
That was more extreme , but I don’t get the feeling that they are coming closer as a couple and raising this child together. I may be more of a traditionalist than some, but I think the adult relationship should be the primary one in a family and that parents are a team.
It has nothing to do with children doing better if they have a full time parent or not, this article has nothing to do with that, it has everything to do with looking at a child as a production that can be controlled 110%.
I wish adults would realize that not everyone has to have children. There is not a list of to-dos that you must check off. For petes sake don’t have children if you don’t want some unpredictabilty in your life.</p>

33

<p>Emeraldkitty, I wasn’t going to post here at this thread any more, was getting to personal and frustrating, but I saw your post.</p>

<p>Thank you , you said what I was trying to say, but much better. I can go in peace now.</p>

34

<p>First, it sounds like she’s raising a show dog. </p>

<p>Second, she let the two-year-old take his shoes off three blocks from their destination because he wanted to? Ugh. It’s a small, rather insignificant detail, but when the kid’s 13 or 14, the permissiveness shown in that one act will have accumulated thousands of times over, and he will be a real handful. I feel truly sorry for that little guy. If the article is an accurate portrayal, he will know pleasure but very little contentedness. Makes me want to go rescue him. :(</p>

35

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<p>Ain’t that the truth!</p>

<p>The article reminded me of Lynette of Desparate Housewives, although she is not as bad as the Alpha Mom.</p>

36

<p>kirmum, I think several issues are being confused here. As emeraldkity reminds us, this is not an article about at-home vs. work-outside mothers, it is a piece about someone who believes there is a process that must be followed to create a perfect child. I think that attitude (and the way the reporter has presented her somewhat out of favor) is what has moved people to respond here. </p>

<p>I have trouble imagining circumstances under which I could have been convinced to stay home with my children when they were small. Does that mean I don’t respect mothers like Alumother or citygirlsmom who have indicated they were home full-time with their youngsters? Absolutely not. That choice was good for them, mine was good for me, yours was good for you. Even Isabel’s is good for her, and she has every right to make that choice. Re-igniting the mommy wars is not the issue here; the issue is whether one is raising a child or developing a product. Isabel may in fact be doing far more raising of a child than the reporter has allowed us to glimpse, having focused on the over-the-top quotes and attitudes that make for a more sexy read and more pithy letters to the editor. Which is why I hope they’ll give Isabel’s family the option of responding in the next issue, assuming this generates the type of response I expect it might.</p>

37

<p>Alumother, your comment reminde me of an incident that happened when my son was small:

Here’s MY parenting style: when my son was about 2, he walked up to where I was seated, lovingly nestled his head in my lap, and then bit me - hard - in the crotch. I slapped him. Hard. Across the face.</p>

<p>Like you, I don’t believe in spanking. Let’s just say that I didn’t have time to think much about things in the split-second interval between the searing pain in my crotch and the slap. </p>

<p>My son didn’t cry, or if he did it didn’t last long (he never was much of a crier). He never bit me or anyone else again. </p>

<p>In hindsight, I’m kind of glad that he tested out the “what happens if I bite” theory on me, first – rather than trying it with our Rottweiler. The Rottie never read any parenting books. </p>

<p>There is something still to be said for instinct over experts when it comes to communicating with a 2 year old.</p>

38

<p>I don’t beleive in spanking either- but I also think that the crisis spanking that I mostly did ( as opposed to the you have pushed my last button and now I am reacting the way I always swore I wouldn’t- slapping) was more effective because of that.
Like when my 3 year old pulled away from me and ran into the street and narrowly missed getting hit by a car. When I grabbed her back the first thing I did was spank her little butt- I wanted her to know that- that was a serious thing- (plus that was my first reaction).</p>

39

<p>Let’s face it, most of the world hates and represents everything Isabel is: Super successful, still ambitious, wealthy, beautiful, resident of Upper E. Side. How far into the article did they call her an “ivy leaguer?” Most of the world resents those, too.</p>

<p>I, too, am a stay at home mother. I’ve been a working mother too and I hear what Kirmum is saying. I remember being at a PTA meeting and having a “friend” ask why my very successful husband wasn’t LETTING me stay home, and watching several head nod in unison.</p>

<p>This is an extention of the mommy wars. Questioning the love and devotion of a mother who is still ambitious and takes a business like approach to life. The overt assumption, based on a sensationalist piece, that she is somehow less loving. This is what many seem to want to see to justify their own choices. </p>

<p>In another session we talked about our kids. I think it was very surprising to a lot of us that many of the highest achieving kids among us were the offspring of women with very demanding jobs. Sure threw a wet towel on my choice. I for one can’t wait to get back to work.</p>

<p>My business school class did a survey in conjunction with a recent reunion. The majority of grads of a very top b school, 20 years ago, are not presently in the work force. Most, however, said that would not suggest their daughter’s did the same. In a discussion group women talked about peer pressure to stay home. Most had married other high earners and everyone from their mothers to their peers looked down on working mothers who did not have to work.</p>

40

<p>Razorsharp, Lynette on “Desperate Housewives” is overwhelmed by parenting and doing a bad job of it… but she doesn’t presume to proclaim herself an expert and make a profit selling her ideas to others. On the contrary, she’d be the first to admit that she doesn’t have a clue.</p>

<p>Did any one notice that the baby was not smiling in any of the pictures in the article? Poor kid just looked overwhelmed. The disgusting thing about the article is that with a single child who isn’t yet preschool age, this Alpha mom thinks she’s the world expert on child care. Of course we can all see the mistakes she’s making - and are appropriately horrified. For one thing, we’ve had our kids around a little bit longer to see what they grow up into. For another thing, many of us happen to have more than one kid - so with the arrival of number #2 we were able to discover that everything we thought we knew about raising kids with #1 turns out to be wrong as applied to #2. Maybe Jamimom’s got it right at this point, after raising a dozen; I figure that 5 is probably the bare minimum one should rear successfully to adulthood before one proclaims oneself an expert.</p>

<p>I think maybe Alpha Mom should read some grown up relationship books in addition to the parenting books she’s memorized – if she keeps on treating hubby as a clueless oaf and winning all the parenting arguments with him, little Ryland is going to wind up growing up in a single-parent home. Maybe he’ll get lucky though, and end up living with his Dad.</p>