<p>I logged on to my FB today, saw a picture of a couple whom we are friendly with, and was surprised to find out they got married a while back. It was posted by a mutual friend. It said, “I have been keeping this as a secret, congratulations, you guys finally did it.”</p>
<p>Maybe I am wrong in feeling this way, but I am kind of offended. This couple had been dating since she was in college. She broke up with him a few times, and they finally got back together few years back, so they have been together for 20+ years. I am very happy for them because I know how much the guy loved her. I could understand why they may want to keep the ceremony private, but not telling their friends afterwards? She is also my FB friend, so she is going to know that I now know they are married. </p>
<p>What do I say or do when I see them next time? Pretend I didn’t know? Congratulate them? Buy them a present?</p>
<p>I think I would admit to knowing, congratulate them and skip the present. If they didn’t want to let their friends know in a more personal way, I don’t think they need a gift!</p>
<p>Why let someone else do the announcement for them? Why wait? They could have announced on FB themselves? Or be mature about it, and sent out a small announcement card. We are not casual “holiday card” type of friends.</p>
<p>It makes you wonder what the etiquette pros would say. I would have thought they would have announced it after the ceremony or honeymoon. Strange. I’d congratulate them and leave them alone.</p>
<p>It is hard to know how to behave sometimes. One friend of mine had the guy move in for over a year (I can’t imagine congratulating someone for that!) then sent a photo of their wedding. Were they ever engaged? That would be something for which one could congratulate the couple, and celebrate the formation of an official relationship, but I never knew.</p>
<p>Yes, I would not say anything. We have a couple in our social set and no one knows if they are married or not. We think they might be, but they will tell us if they want to. I wouldn’t say anything on FB since the other FB friend announced it until I saw the person face to face. Then I would say so and so says you got married…if it’s true congratulations.</p>
<p>H also told me not to get crazy over it. But if marriage is not important enough to mention, then what kind of friends are we. Now I feel foolish in letting them know details of our lives.</p>
<p>I’m inclined to agree with the OP, here. This is not the way to treat friends…especially close ones. </p>
<p>This isn’t too far removed from a formerly close friend who vowed he’d invite me to his wedding and possibly be his best man…and then never even told me about the wedding until after the fact. </p>
<p>And he and some friends wonder why I no longer have anything to do with him considering we were close buddies. Not a good way to treat friends…especially if the one who committed the breach of etiquette is much older than oneself.</p>
<p>You say that they have been together for over twenty years. Maybe they consider the marriage certificate a legal matter, not a social matter. Or, perhaps, they were reluctant to make a formal announcement and put their friends in the position of wanting to send gifts. Perhaps the friend who spoke about it on facebook learned about it through casual conversation, rather than receiving some sort of intentional information. I would not worry about not knowing. When you see them in person, offer congratulations.</p>
<p>Hmm, I guess I would not be offended even if they were my closest friends… The only two people who count in a marriage over the long haul are the two people in it. Also, they may be people who believed they had already previously made a lifelong commitment to each other. It is possible that they actually finally married for reasons other than a belief that they had to trumpet that commitment to the world. There are estate benefits, social security benefits, tax benefits, etc. to being married. In fact, there are over 1,000 legal federal benefits and responsibilities (and hundreds more at the state level) that are gained through marriage. It is possible that they decided to get married because of those, and felt no need to notify everyone.</p>
<p>Now if I had very close friends who got married and threw a big shindig, and didn’t invite me, then I might be miffed. Because I love cake, and almost every wedding has cake. :)</p>
<p>I agree with Illyria and intparent. The couple may have felt that if they sent out a formal announcement, people would think they should send wedding gifts. (If either the bride or groom actively uses facebook, it’s odd that they didn’t mention it.)</p>
<p>Why would you pretend not to know? Congratulate them, no present needed. They’re
been together 20 years, its not like they need to collect a china pattern.</p>
<p>I’m not on facebook, so I don;t always get the ettiquette. Who knows maybe the other person posted out of turn.</p>
<p>There are reasons they didnt get married for 20 years, and they have reasons for not announcing.</p>
<p>*if marriage is not important enough to mention, then what kind of friends are we? </p>
<p>Wonder what the etiquette pros would say. I would have thought they would have announced it after the ceremony or honeymoon.*</p>
<p>Gently meant: that may just be an interpretation based on our own feelings about marriage and life ceremonies, etiquette and expectations. As an older couple, with ups and downs, they may simply not want to make a big deal of it, for many reasons. Who knows why they actually decided to marry, whether there was the pressure of illness or something else. (Not everyone reveals illness or other issues, either.) </p>
<p>Oldfort, you describe them as friends, same circle, more than holiday note level- but, really, how close were you? Does it truly destroy the social friendship to learn you were not a confidante? Or? If the friendship is worth it, I’d congratulate and hang in there. If not, I’d still congratulate- follow etiquette on my side. I couldn’t erase them from my circle for not informing me.</p>
<p>oldfort, “in the same social circle”, “whom we are friendly with”, and they “got married a while back” says to me that you really don’t see them all that often. So you can still be very happy for them.</p>
<p>The person who is out of line here is the mutual friend who posted the picture and said “I’ve been keeping this a secret, but…”</p>
<p>That mutual friend is who you (and the married couple) should be upset with. She stole their thunder. They may have been planning a party to announce their wedding, or planning another method of announcement.</p>
<p>I have a friend who announced someone else’s engagement on Facebook. She accidentally witnessed the gentleman get down on one knee at a local restaurant, and before the happy couple could get home from the restaurant and announce it themselves she had already posted her congratulations.</p>