<p>The person who posted was most likely the witness. We are scheduled to have dinner with them soon. I probably won’t say anything to them until they have announced it to us.</p>
<p>oldfort, once you see them, the cat will probably be out of the bag. You will see the wedding rings. Stuff like that is pretty obvious.</p>
<p>I would be inclined to just be upfront about it and say you saw their happy news on Facebook.</p>
<p>I would append my congratulations to your friend’s FB post (or just hit “like”) and then wait to see if they say anything when you see them next.</p>
<p>If they were close friends, I would have picked up the phone and called them after reading the message.</p>
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<p>You hit the nail on the head. Based on oldfort’s posts, it seems like they are more acquaintances than friends.</p>
<p>If they had been together off and on for over 20 years, I imagine that an announcement of marriage would then prompt questions and comments that they were tired of answering even before they were asked.</p>
<p>My h and I eloped 12 / 13 yes ago and due to complicated family relationships we told only a couple of close, close friends. Did not even tell children or mothers. Then a yr or two ago we had a small family “wedding” at an inn on the cape. I actually liked not telling anyone . No pressure. I’m sure they would have told you eventually and, I agree w other posts that maybe they didn’t want friend to announce wedding yet.</p>
<p>When my SIL got married (her 3rd or 4th marriage, can’t remember) and told the family about a few weeks after the fact. </p>
<p>Also had a good friend get married a few years ago after a bitter divorce. We only knew when she showed up with a new ring. (New H was still living out of state).</p>
<p>These days I don’t lose sleep about it. My parents held a very low key wedding 60 years ago, attended by only 5-6 relatives, as both her parents were dead and they couldn’t afford a big wedding reception that her extended family would have expected.</p>
<p>My SO and I have been together for about 8 years now. We finally merged our families officially a year ago. We are “engaged” (those quotes are intentional) but who knows if we will ever get married. If we do, I would want it very low-key, and would not want to make a big deal of it. This couple may feel the same way. I’d congratulate them next time you see them and wish them all the best.</p>
<p>Old fort, #21 I agree with this approach.</p>
<p>IMO someone who, for whatever reason, would conceal their marriage would have to assume that their friends (including occasional dinner partners that they see socially) would be hurt by hearing of it second hand. I am assuming that they are immature and/or self centered.</p>
<p>Congratulate them! There are lots of reasons they may not have made a big deal of it (being together 20 years comes to mind–only proper response to that is “it’s about time”.) I’m sure they figured the news would get around–and it has.</p>
<p>If they were together for 20 years, then they probably just didn’t want people making a big deal out of it. There had to have been a reason that they waited that long. If he wanted it and she was putting it off, maybe they just didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. Some people don’t see an official license/ceremony as that big of a deal.</p>
<p>Did anyone ever ask them point blank whether or not they had married? If they didn’t announce it, that doesn’t mean they concealed or hid it, it just means they didn’t announce it. If they lied about it or something, that would be different.</p>
<p>There is a difference between ‘making a big deal of it’ and informing friends of 20+ years as a courtesy so they don’t hear of it second hand. They had their reasons, no doubt, but they hurt people by their unwillingness to be upfront about it.</p>
<p>Let me ask this - would you marry someone who wouldn’t let you announce the fact?</p>
<p>(of course, maybe neither of them sees a problem with the non-announcement, in which case good luck to them)</p>
<p>tree, maybe they had planned to announce it on their own terms.</p>
<p>What if one of them has been diagnosed with a serious illness, and wanted to be added to other’s health insurance? They certainly might not want to reveal that to everyone. There are all kinds of reasons why people get married that are nobody else’s business. It doesn’t make them “not friends” with the OP. Tell them you saw the post, and congratulate them with a hug and a smile when you see them. Then change the subject if they are not forthcoming with more information.</p>
<p>oldfort, this really isn’t about “etiquette” since those rules are changing. Your feelings of hurt really shouldn’t enter into the equation, because they probably didn’t intend to “announce” their wedding on FB anyway; it just came out. Heck, she might have wanted to tell you separately, in person, when it seemed appropriate. Now, everyone has to know. I’d get over your feelings of hurt and focus on them. </p>
<p>BTW: I found out one of my kids was “in a relationship” when his brother told me about this change in his fb status.</p>
<p>*There is a difference between ‘making a big deal of it’ and informing friends of 20+ years as a courtesy so they don’t hear of it second hand. They had their reasons, no doubt, but they hurt people by their unwillingness to be upfront about it. *</p>
<p>Here’s the thing: what’s the proper way in your opinion to inform someone? Are you supposed to call and say, “Hey, just wanted to let you know I got married.”? When are you supposed to call? The next day? The next week? Should it be in a formal announcement in the mail? Should you apologize for not inviting this person to the ceremony?</p>
<p>This is definitely not directed to the OP, but it’s reactions like this - having to manage everyone’s feelings/expectations, etc. - that make me crazy. We’re adults. We’re allowed to do things that are highly personal without including everyone, without guilt.</p>
<p>I will admit my first reaction would be to be offended. I would think I obviously thought we were better friends than they did. Then I would reason it out, give them the benefit of the doubt, take the high road , congratulate them. I would not send a gift necessarily, it depends on what happens when you see them.</p>