A Hug, A Slap in the Face, or A Cup of Coffee to Smell

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Me, again…going through the throes of coping with a freshman son. I need your help more than ever; you’ve always helped me find the right way in the past.</p>

<p>DS just completed fall term, and (yay) earned – with much support – a 3.0…after midterm GPA of about 1.7. DS has a GF (read my Thanksgiving posts) who is a very nice person. We live fairly near their college on one coast; her family on the other coast. She spent about a week with us before the end of the semester, and came back here a few days ago to spend New Year’s with our DS. She is pleasant and is very bright, kind-hearted, and independent girl. In some ways, she reminds me of me when I was her age. Since DS is a very dependent kind of person, she has lots of input into what he does…almost like Svengali at times. During the break before she came, DS was pouty and disagreeable for the most part; now that she’s here, he’s distant treating us kind of like we don’t exist – except at meal times. Tonight over dinner, he mentioned that he was thinking about/planning to take summer classes where she lives (he needs to complete 6 credits to stay on track to graduate on time) and work there (he/we need the money). Her parents have offered to let DS stay with them as long as he’d like – the entire summer if he’d like. :frowning: Looks like he’s already made up his mind…and we’re history. I know we’re not exciting or wealthy, like her family, but he is our only child and we have no other family…just we two…and I’ve been in ill health for almost 2 years. When he mentioned coming home for a weekend, he hastened to note that there was nothing here for him but us and one friend. :frowning: :-(</p>

<p>I am so sorry that I come to you with all these problems, but I truly don’t know what to do. He doesn’t seem to want to hear anything we want to say. He hasn’t looked at classes here. He hasn’t explored jobs here. He used the exercise club membership he asked us for over Christmas break only twice.
:frowning: Last semester we were told to buy a certain device to help his diabilities, but he never used it. $$$$ :frowning: He apparently is only listening to GF. I feel like we just died, and we’re already buried and forgotten. Please help me. I don’t want to overreact, but I feel I should do something.</p>

<p>FYI, (from my last post) I took a “don’t ask, don’t tell…but don’t embarrass me” approach to their sharing a bed. It was okay and they were very discrete, but today (New Year’s Day) they stayed in bed until 3pm…ran an errand for me, watched TV, ate with us, then went upstairs to take a nap. What? I’d say that because of many prior years of marital problems, son was given lots of stuff by us and the family, but I/sometimes we always did a lot with him and for him. Son has a new car and a full complement of dorm items.</p>

<p>Somewhere something has gone really wrong (he gave me a nice gold ring, but I don’t feel loved). Can you help me sort it all out?</p>

2

<p>Did you read <em>The Courage to Raise Good Men</em> by Olga Silverstein yet?</p>

3

<p>No, please tell me more…</p>

<p>I peeked at Amazon.com…I love him, I tell him, I hug him and kiss him appropriately, I always exposed him to opportunities that he and/or I thought important and enjoyable, I was his biggest supporter and helper. I always tried to be there for him to help him grow and to let him go so he could grow. Does this book offer more??</p>

4

<p>Yes it sure does. You can get it for three dollars and change off Amazon. I recommended it to you when you posted about your problems with your son last summer. You can get it in two days!</p>

5

<p>Thank you, Hereshoping…I don’t recall your prior post…last summer was so tumultuous…now I have the time, I’ll get it ASAP.</p>

6

<p>Sure. Good luck!</p>

7

<p>{{{{{{{Sage}}}}}}}</p>

<p>I am <em>really</em> sorry that you are having such a difficult time with your beloved son and only child. I can’t imagine how lost you must feel right now. My heart truly goes out to you because I can sense the intense sadness and frustration in your post. </p>

<p>I am not familiar enough with your situation or with your relationship with your son to tell you whether I think that his actions run along the lines of the typical, self-focused kind of older adolescence or whether there is actually some deeper issue with your relationship that is causing him to pull away like he seems to be.</p>

<p>If all else is normal, I do not think it is bizarre or unusual for a kid the age of your son to want to find a constructive way to be near his girlfriend next summer. My own son still has a gf here where we live, so we have been lucky in that he has always looked forward to coming home, and though we may not spend “alone time” with him as often as we’d wish, he is here and generally available to us and always honors special requests to be at family events.</p>

<p>There are other factors, though, in your situation which may be exacerbating your son’s actions. You mention that you have not been in good health for around 2 years. Do you think that your son may be expressing his fears through avoidance? Perhaps he is afraid to extend his closeness to you and to the family if he is fearful for your health, and his contemplating your health situation may be stressful for him.</p>

<p>I know that through several of your posts, you have expressed much frustration with your son and how he is conducting himself. Is this frustration manifesting itself overtly with him, or do you mask it when you’re together? I ask this because I think it may be difficult for him to share time with you and his father if you express much overt frustration with him. Perhaps he feels that he is “failing” you in some ways, and his interaction with his gf may reinforce the parts of him which he is proud of and which make him feel “good” and “whole.”</p>

<p>I would urge you to try to make your time with your son as pleasant as possible in an effort to positively reinforce any time which he does choose to spend with you. Let him know that you value him and your time together and that you do not expect him to be perfect…just respectful and reasonably thoughtful.</p>

<p>It sounds to me like you have started some habits with him that may be hard to break and that you resent some of the concessions that you have made to him over the years. I totally understand that, but those things will be difficult to change right now as you and he need to re-establish a positive, loving relationship first. You won’t be able to raise your expectations (for things such as respect, a decent attitude, etc.) all at once, but over time, and through positive experiences, you can begin to let him know that you, too, hold certain expectations for your relationship as mother/son.</p>

<p>Another thing that I don’t know if anyone has mentioned before, but you may want to keep an eye on your son for signs of depression. It can’t be easy for him to be dealing with academic issues and family issues (including your health) at one time. His gf obviously provides a great deal of support for him, though I do understand your concern over the great amount of control she seems to exert. It would be wonderful if you and your dh could re-establish a loving, supportive relationship with your son so that he would not be as vulnerable to someone who may or may not prove to be a healthy addition to his life.</p>

<p>I do think that you need to have a set of minimum expectations for your son…ones that will make his visits not only tolerable for you, but pleasant; however, with the relationship being as strained as it is now, those things may have to take a back seat to fostering the sense of love and trust again. Would your son have lunch alone with you if you asked him? My son asked me to lunch when he came home from school this break, and it was FABULOUS as we really got to talk in depth on many issues. I expect we will do it again before he returns to school, and I think this type of thing would be wonderful for you and your son as well.</p>

<p>I don’t have the answers, Sage, but I am a good listener and an empathizer extraordinaire. Feel free to pm me anytime, o.k.? Meanwhile, hang in there, and try to take a few baby steps in the direction of improving the relationship. I so hope that it all works out for your family.</p>

<p>fondly, ~berurah</p>

8

<p>I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this on top of your illness. Your son is 18/19 years old, and as you seem to have accepted, you can’t force him to be as close to you as you would hope. </p>

<p>Please don’t get too caught up on what the gf’s family has to offer. My mom sometimes felt inferior to my inlaws and some of my siblings inlaws, but it never was the issue that she created in her mind. She occasionally suffered short bouts of depression, and that clouded her judgement. </p>

<p>It is quite natural that your son may look for a way to spend the summer near his gf. I know that is a very painful scenario for you, but the worse thing you could do, I think, is make him feel guilty about it. In fact, I’d hope, that if you show your support, he might appreciate you more. I’m afraid that if you voice too much disapproval in his summer plans, that it might strain your relationship more. </p>

<p>I haven’t read the book suggested by hereshoping, but since I’m raising two boys, I’m definitely going to take a look at it. Berurah, as always, has given you wonderful advice and support, and it’s not too late for a fresh start.</p>

9

<p>Oh Sage. What a drag–but look at the upside.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>He has a 3.0 after one semester. This is commendable. One gold <em>parent</em>star for you.</p></li>
<li><p>A wonderful smart girl has fallen in love with him. Give yourself another gold star for appropriate parenting. <em>Ping!</em></p></li>
<li><p>He is pouty when he cannot sleep next to this wonderful smart girl. Not terribly surprising. you cannot lose a gold star for that.</p></li>
<li><p>Nothing has gone ‘wrong’. Nevermind wealth–two old farts cannot begin to compare with a wonderful smart girl who takes her clothes off and has SEX with him. Nope. Not now–not ever. He is programmed to focus on SEX and if you knew how much he is thinking about it you’d be astounded he even went to class! Rahter than read any books about how to raise boys–cause he’s raised already–I recommend you read some turnng of age literature–especially books about falling in love/lust for the first time. That’s a whole different culture than the old-married culture. :wink: Accept it for what it is. Don’t beat yourself up about his primal instincts!</p></li>
</ol>

<p>If he gets it completely organized, I would let him go to the coast to stay with the girls’ parents but I might wrangle a few weeks at home on either side of that visit. When he’s at home, try not to expect the old relationship to return. He’s adifferent person now–he’s a man–sort of. When my boys come home, I look for new ways to spend time with them. Recreating the old patterns doesn’t work. They don’t want to be reminded that they were recently small boys. </p>

<p>Visits get tougher if they grow apart from their friends. They mill around the house looking like caged animals and guess who gets to play the part of the mean zookeeper? I try to find some activities–a combination of outdoor pursuits and semi-sophistricated socializing–to keep them engaged with the family while they grows into their adult selves.</p>

<p>In the end, it is a risk raising global kids who go to school all ove rthe owrld and fall in love with girls who live thousands of miles away. It’s a modern risk. Not anyone’s fault. You musn’t panic and assume you’ve ‘lost’ him.</p>

<p>I also might mention that he won’t create a good impression if he disappears for ‘naps’–or pouts like a baby at the girls’ house. They will be looking at him like a prospective son-in-law.
Good luck!</p>

10

<p>Sage, Great posts above. Do something for yourself. Plan a trip. Read a book. Take a course. Things will never be the same again and they shouldn’t. Be there as a port in the storm and carry on. I am a single mom with an only son who visits once a year, who is so happy at school, who has a great GF, who is excited about learning, and who is a dear person. It is as it should be. He calls school his home, has a relationship with the “other” family, and plans to work full time on campus again this summer. I enjoyed having him here over the holidays, and he seemed to enjoy being here. Next year GF is coming if all goes as planned. They way I look at it: you get two for the price of one. :)</p>

11

<p>overseas: I wholeheartedly agree. These holidays were different because of GFs presence in our lives, but GOOD different. It’s nice to have another female in the house.</p>

12

<p>Hi Sage. I have a somewhat similar situation to yours and I sure can sympathize. The posts above have helped me too. I have an only D, age 21, a college senior, who has been gone almost the entire vacation so far. We have had two dinners with her in her two weeks at home (one was Christmas Eve) and I think she has stayed here only two nights. She has a boyfriend living in a house in a cool university area and all their friends hang out there. </p>

<p>We are just the boring old parents and she considers coming home to shower and change clothes (talking on her cell to the friends the whole time) enough of a visit for us. We have had several unpleasant scenes as I try to reason with her to no avail. It is very hard when you have spent so much of the past two decades on one child and then the ungrateful little wretch doesn’t really need or want you any more. </p>

<p>New Year’s Resolution: focus on overseas’ advice to be “a port in the storm and carry on.”</p>

13

<p>{{{{{{{bookiemom}}}}}}}</p>

<p>You darling daughter will NOT be an ungrateful little wretch for too much longer <em>lol</em> :slight_smile: , and if she were to be, think of the utter delight you will get when you are “busy” when she asks you to babysit all the time years from now… ;)</p>

14

<p>

</p>

<p>I don’t know–remembering sage’s previous posts, I’d say the problems are a bit deeper than first love/lust. This book actually references Catcher in the Rye and Sons and Lovers (Lawrence) and the Updike Rabbit novels, among others. It is a very wise book, imo, that deals with boys of late adolescence and separation issues (the whole girlfriend-in-mom’s-face deal strikes me as more about separation that first love/lust when coupled with the boy’s previous behaviors). I’m sure no therapist, but I do heartily recommend this book by a family therapist who raised a son of her own. In fact, these issues never go away–even after our sons are grown and married; something the book also deals with. I hope sage gets the book.</p>

15

<p>I am a therapist and I’m going to look for the book. “Letting Go” is also very helpful. I agree with other posters that OP’s son sounds like he’s going through a normal developmental stage and so is she. It’s a difficult one for most people and more so these days when people spread out all over the globe.</p>

<p>I expect to be going through this next year when my son goes off to college. I’m already working on my friendships and planning to spend more time with them and my husband.</p>

<p>Sage, your son sounds like a nice, normal adolescent, heading toward young adulthood. It sounds like he does love you but needs to push away a bit now so he can do some age appropriate separation. He’s found a girlfriend who is helping him do this. My guess is that if you let him have some space now, he’ll stay in your life in a nice way, but a different way.</p>

16

<p>When our kids go away to college for the first time, we tell ourselves, “He’ll be gone for about seven months of the year, but he’ll be home for the other five, so we won’t really lose touch with each other.”</p>

<p>But at some point during college, they stop coming home so much. Or, if they are home, they are caught up in their own relationships and spend little time with their families.</p>

<p>My son is a college junior now and is suddenly spending much less time at home than he did the first two years simply because he now has an off-campus apartment with a 12-month lease and doesn’t need to come home. He just left yesterday to go back to his campus, where (for the first time), he is taking a course in the 3-week winter session. And this summer, he will probably be involved in a research project on his campus. We may never have him home for more than a few days at a stretch again.</p>

<p>Your son seems to be making this transition a bit earlier than mine did. It must be quite a jolt. But it’s normal, and it’s part of growing up. That doesn’t make it easy, though.</p>

17

<p>Cheers #9:
Wonderful post! Should be required reading for all parents.</p>

18

<p>I read the OP again… sounds like a growing-up transition for both mom and son. Mom describes son as dependent and expresses feelings of becoming obsolete (or worse) as son latches onto girlfriend. I suppose all moms eventually need to deal with this head-on when sons develop close long-term relationships with girlfriends, fiancees, and mothers-in-law… but it’s a lot to process at the same time as our only child’s transition to going away to college.</p>

<p>It can be heartbreaking when our kids’ emotional attachments start to shift away from the home. Sometimes we don’t feel ready and we also question whether our kids have the “right stuff” and whether they are prepared to navigate independently. We fear for them at the same time we experience separation pains and a sense of loss as they become more independent and step out into the world. The more interests, friends, and activities we parents can develop, the better for us and for our kids. This is especially true when the parent-child bond has been very strong, because we feel the void so deeply.</p>

<p>How wonderful, though, that the OP’s son has found a capable woman to love, and to accompany him in this early phase of his transition towards adulthood. He has made it through the first half of freshman year academically intact and emotionally engaged, presumably happy, and is already thinking six months out in terms of summer plans. His parents are very much in the picture but at the moment he is feeling very adult and independent…the girlfriend is significant in his life but can never be a replacement for the deepest parts of the mother-son relationship, even though it might feel like it at the moment. What a big change in just a few months, for both son and parents! And in a few more months, things can change again. Relationships change and evolve, and summer plans change. </p>

<p>While researching his summer options, perhaps son/parents could think in terms of plan A (as outlined) and plan B (in case plan A doesn’t work out, or to help balance a significant part of the summer living in the GF’s hometown). A whole summer living with GF’s family might work out well and it might not… it might articulate all the comparative pluses of his own home life.</p>

19

<p>I do have to say that the book I recommended is on a whole other level from Letting Go, which struck me as rather simplistic.</p>

20

<p>Lol ok ok give it a rest hereshoping :)</p>