@CountingDown : have you pointed out to your husband that he really can’t have it both ways? You can’t grouse about something unless you’re willing to help solve the problem.
That said, if I were you, I’d be going to the three-accounts method of marital finance: yours, mine, and ours. Then you could finance the house cleaning out of “mine”. Alternatively, does your son pay rent? Perhaps that could go to cleaners?
@Wellspring: “But if I don’t have time to read them all the way through because I have an appointment or I got up late or some other reason I am ruthless. Out they go.”
I. Bow. To. You.
dmd, I’ve told S he needs to pay rent, but it hasn’t happened yet. DH hasn’t insisted on it, but uses the idea of rent as a stick to beat S2 about the head with when DH gets po’d about something S2 didn’t do.
I think that after almost 33 years, going to yours/mine/ours accounts would be a serious deal breaker. For the most part, we agfree on $$ and he doesn’t have a problem with my spending because it
s not excessive and I am as frugal as he is. It’s the housecleaning thing that is the hurdle, and I am still trying to suss out why it bothers him so much. He grew up having to be the adult in the family and to deal with everything himself (think paying bill collectors and dealing with Child Protective Services at age 13). That still translates today into doing everything ourselves, and disappointment on his part that I have not had a high-paying, high-pressure career like him.
I will admit to y’all here that I have a small slush fund set aside (a couple hundred $$) to get someone to come in, assuming I have the guts to do it.
This isn’t really about cleaning, though. It’s about expectations, and disappointment, and control. I’m so sorry.
Somewhere in between I guess, may be leaning more towards the neat side. I’m kind of like the meme I saw said, “I have OCD and ADD. That means everything has to be perfect. Just not for long.”
I’m so sorry, CD. ((hugs))
@CountingDown – I guess by “yours/mine/ours” I mean having some money that you can say “I get to decide how to spend this” – not necessarily actual accounts. I do have to ask, though: does your husband understand how frustrated you are by this issue?
@CountingDown: I feel for you. I have been married to the ultimate pack rat for 34 years. After 2 years of marraige, I hired a cleaning lady. H howled about the expense, but I could not do everything like his mother and he did not lift a finger (because his mother did it all) to keep our house clean. Fast forward 15 years and the cleaning lady quit, he was home for the summer (he teaches) with 4 kids and thought he would save us money by doing the cleaning himself. That lasted one month.
The current cleaning lady cleans the first and second floors. The basement is chock full of his stuff and there is no way to clean the stuff and the pathways, so he can clean as he feels the need. Which is never.
I like food and dishes cleaned up and put away, spills wiped up, paper sorted, every surface does not need a pile. The kids’ rooms are their own, but if I can’t see the floor, the room doesn’t get cleaned.
You can get a cleaning company to come in for a one-time deep cleaning. Maybe that would jump start your H to grudgingly agree that this service could start once a month and then you increase the frequency as time goes on. My H complains now and then, but not enough to take it on again. Plus, it sounds like you really can’t physically do it!
I agree that this is a control thing…good luck
It’s also a cleaning thing, believe me…
My husband made sure to dismiss the cleaning lady - would not even let her in the door - when I set about getting help for a period when I was gone.
I figure he has made his choice, and I will do things my way. He can help if he chooses or shut up.
In fairness, I have this argument with my H over the outside of our house (landscaping). He likes the outside to be more natural / grown and I’d like it to be trimmed - but it needs a professional to trim it, and the amount that it would cost is outside our “spend without consulting the other” level.
I like the thought that people are inside people, or outside people. We just moved into a new house. Hubby tags along to all of the appointments to decorate, but he can never really visualize and so far has been really happily surprised at every delivery truck. He actually asked me if I realized how pulled together the house was looking, as if it was just a happy accident. Honestly I have no idea why he even bothers to voice an opinion, he wants surround sound and a big television.
However, he could go on and on about the yard, the sprinklers, the zero turn mower, etc. The way I see it, once a house is decorated it’s pretty much done except minor things, a yard needs continuing $. Our landscaping is phenomenal here - we better not touch it or we’ll be sure to kill it. So now we need to add a landscaper to our budget when what I really want is curtains for my bedroom.
Okay, thought I would share with you that this thread has motivated me to start cleaning. I have one room (the easiest) done so far. Baby steps, right? But I have to get it all done by Sunday, when family is coming to visit. If it was my family, I wouldn’t bother (because they love me regardless), but it’s the in-laws, and I don’t want to reveal how messy we really are.
However, once you start cleaning, you never know what you will find. Was reading an old post I wrote about a well known figure in August, and mentioned I don’t know how anyone could support such a turd. I looked down, and there it was. A turd. I’m thinking it was either my oldest dog (she’s 12, and you know how these things happen when you get old), or the individual really is as Godlike as he thinks. Now I’m wondering what else I’m going to find when I start cleaning up the piles, and in the corners. It’s kind of scary, what could be lurking there. 