“started to pick up “video game programming” using a kid programming language – and trying to explain to him the difference between the static data typing and the dynamic data typing in computer language design while he was in the first half of elementary school. And assembly language and computer architecture late in middle school --”
Were you deliberately trying to make your son a nerd? This is really over the top.
Isn’t that largely an age thing?
Just an update that I really appreciate all of the comments – including the ones critical of me.
H and I have had lots of talks over the holiday weekend and he is much more committed to S1’s development that I appreciated – he is just “all thumbs sometimes” about it (direct quote). S1 is very prickly and tough to coach academically. Thinks really can blow up. It does take an specific approach.
But we’re in high-level-goal solidarity and he has suggested that perhaps he can best help S1 by (better) supporting me as S1’s main support. Feels like we’ve turned a corner.
Great to hear @Aspieration, sounds like steps in the right direction, talking and working together, seeking to understand and accept each other, loving your little boys together, now that is really special.
Just knowing your H cares deeply and desires to co-parent alongside you is HUGE. Breathe deeply, feel secure in his commitment to you and your children, and the rest can be worked out together.
I commend you for reading and chewing on all the various comments without getting defensive. Not easy to take in what you might perceive to be negative attacks when you are giving your all to help your child.
I see a relative’s struggle with their teenage Aspie boy, and it is so hard. Fun is in short supply. I just want to encourage you to have some designated weekly FUN time that is not dependent on your S1 having followed all the rules the previous week. Even a 2 hour window on Sunday afternoons to do some family tradition, whether it is ice cream for dinner or playing board games together or walking over to the park for casual play. Don’t structure any learning/educational aspect to this one window of time. Just BE as a family. Relax and let your sons feel loved.
Hugs to you on this journey.
Thanks @NorthernMom61 and @powercropper. “It gets worse” is a comment I hear a lot about parenting kid with an Aspie profile. I hear that adolescence and young adulthood can be acutely challenging, because these are seasons of life that demand coping with change (including physical), being intensely social (including dating), and dealing with failure and rejection without training wheels.
Change, being social and failure/rejection are hard for anyone but brutal for Aspies (especially all at once).
The first time I heard “it gets worse” was in the child psychologist’s office after S1 had been kicked out of school (age 4) and was constantly aggressive (esp. biting) with his (then toddler) brother. “But he will become more mature, right?” Yes, the psychologists said, but you need to think about it as a gap between the external demands and the child’s skills. Right now the skills are low, but at age 4 the demands are still quite simple. His skills will improve but the demands will skyrocket, particularly beginning in puberty.
I think something inside of me broke that day.
Looking back, that year was our low point with S1. The demands have certainly grown but I’m all over skill-building. He is not ahead of the game (there is a lot of frustration), nor is he in cruise control (there is work refusal in school) but he is not in crisis and there are areas of relative strength (hard won reading skills).
For S1 that dreadful down the rabbit hole year he was 4 was a local minimum. Now that I know I’m in Wonderland I’m working hard to make it a global minimum.
Family-wise, we’re adapting the Agile Method for strategy/planning and parental service delivery (if you will). No, I’m not turning my beloved family into a project. But H and I are scientifically trained so we think systematically. We just need a common framework so we are working in concert. I’m very optimistic.
Thank you again for all the feedback on my journey.
@cobrat, since past relevant behavior is usually a good predictor of future behavior, why wouldn’t your father have been surprised you did well in college? If you had “abysmal” effort and grades in high school, why would he have naturally assumed you would suddenly become academically responsible?
cobrat went to a very top magnet high school.
Actually, I heard of several instances (at least 3) that some kids from the very top high school actually feel that workload is somewhat lighter at a top college like ivies or alike.
My own kid “played” more at a top college than at a top high school. The reason is that, at a top high school, he actually had to compete againt the top few kids (all of them ended up attending HYPSM) but in college, he only needed to be one of, say, top 10% (he did graduate in the top 5% though but he actually did not “gun” for it – at least not as much as when he did so in high school.)
“Were you deliberately trying to make your son a nerd? This is really over the top.”
I just shared something that I think could be “deep fun” with him. This is done during break and also whatever we wanted to let him exposed to has not much to do with his school work (e.g., he was learning Relativity during break when he did not take physics class at school.)
If he is a nerd, it is more likely a music nerd (or music junkie?) For one of his college application interviews, the interviewer and he talked endless with each other about music (not classical music) for more than 2 hours because of their shared interests. For the interview after college, one interviewer joked with him that he thought he might bring his instrument and perform for him first. At one time, he jammed with a cardiologist who gave him an opportunity late in the evening at his clinic.
Yes, he’s made that very very very very very clear.
I haven’t read the whole thread.
A few comments.
Sure H’s job is hard, but he shouldn’t get to use that to get out of responsibility. Two people make a baby, two people have shared responsibility.
I think H does have the final say in how he parents. He gets to use his best judgement. You get to use yours. You guys should talk, and both be committed to a loving family. But you don’t get to dictate. Maybe he doesn’t know how to throw a ball. Maybe your son needs a friend’s dad to show him. Maybe sign your son up for little league.
DW and I parented differently. We were not always on the same page. I often deferred to her judgement, but sometimes stood my ground. We have two daughters. DW is always very doting and loving. When discipline was needed I was always the heavy. I’m naturally a planner and problem solver. She was great at routine. Somehow we made it work, though we were far from perfect and made a lot of mistakes. We probably doted a lot more on the older one because when it was just her, she was the focus, when we had two, we had to split our time. I’m noticing now that the younger one is a lot more resilient, the older one seems to be a higher achiever, though the jury is still out on that. I think the older one spends way too much effort trying to gain my approval. I’d rather she just use her best adult judgement.
I don’t know how you can know the best way to parent.
@ClassicRockerDad “Your post made me realize how glad I am that I didn’t go into academia.”
H would work as intensely in industry but he would have a boss. His temperament is such being his own boss is A Good Thing. Academic is very much like running a start-up, but tenure de-risks the enterprise.
I spent some time teaching S2 how to throw a ball this morning. 
OP, I just want to give you an “attagirl” for trying to work this out and being so open.
My H was at work, often out of town, when the kids were little. I raised them mostly alone, with just his paycheck to help. When they were small it really bugged me. I was tired and wanted relief and I had a different vision of how family life would be. I had expected us to be together more, eating meals and taking walks and playing outside. I used to try to lure him in and would plan things for him to do with the kids without me. Eventually I adapted and accepted that I would be the only parent most of the time. It got so I enjoyed being the the one in charge and making all the decisions. When they were in high school he finally stopped working so much and tried heavy-handedly to insert himself into family life. Of course, that was tough, too. The kids were used to me and resented his presence and the way he did things.
The boys have said they intend to spend more time with their families, so they missed their dad. The boys and their dad are trying to build relationships now, too. It isn’t easy, but it does show that it is never too late.
My experience has been similar to lizardly’s. H was not a real hands on parent when the kids were young although he always did things like cooking. I did the majority of the parenting which was one of the primary reasons that I spent 10+ years as a SAHM. I went back to work when the kids were older and H stepped up. This was a difficult dynamic for awhile especially between H and S, but he has gotten much closer to both kids in the last few years. H is the go-to parent on a lot of things now, the kids are more likely to call/text/email H than me now. I feel as if it has evened out.
You seem to be doing a great job of managing your son’s Aspergers. However, it also sounds like you may have a perfectionist streak. If so, that could mean that sometimes you aren’t psychologically able to take full satisfaction from the great job you (and your husband) already are doing. That would be a characteristic of your personality, not necessarily a shortcoming of his behavior.
It’s TG weekend. Take a deep breath and count your blessings.
Maybe it is because OP loves her child so much. There are not lack of such parents who would behave like that.
Hmm…maybe my own child (now an adult) would accuse me of this!
In our family, it is often the case that one parent is better at “handling” the child, i.e., meaning that the child will more likely not protest if that parent does the actual parenting like telling the child to do something. Since it is not easy to change the personality of a parent (and the dynamic between the “less skillful” parent and the child), we often choose this strategy: When the less-skillful parent wants to do something, he would prepare what he wants to do (actually often in writings - I am referring to the preparation of educational materials here) and passes it to the skillful parent, who then passes it to the child. It works better in this way in my family. In other words, one parent has the knowledge or idea but lacks the parenting skill but the other parent has the parenting skill and has no knowledge and ideas. So they “teamwork”.
I don’t agree that perfectionism is an indicator of how much love a parent feels for a child.
A perfectionist steak in a parent can be very detrimental to a kid (and a marriage) if the perfectionist isn’t careful.
I agree with both of you actually. To love a child is not enough. The parenting skills matter.
I was just trying to spin the same thing in a more positive way, in that post. But one point I want to emphasize is that it is not easy to change the personality of a person (so it is not easy to fundamentally change the dynamic between a parent and her/his child.) Been there, have suffered the same.
The other day, my wife shared one of her parenting tricks with me (although it is well too late – as we are empty nest now. LOL.)
Most parents do not want their child to play video games too much. But it is unavoidable that the child (especially the boy) will want to play video games (In certain ages, boys would talk a lot about this among them.) Some parents may choose the approach that the child should do the homework first before he is allowed to play games.
My wife chose an opposite approach. After school, she let the child play the game first. Her point: The kid needs to de-compress himself right after school anyway and why not just let him do what he likes to do right after school. (Often times, she even played with him – at least this was the case when he was in the elementary school. She is likely the person who plays with him on the game console the most in his whole life!) But he should agree in advance that he would only play for a certain amount of time. After the time is up, if she asks him to start doing the homework, either school’s homework or whatever we (actually mostly me especially when he was older, unless it is music related) assign to him, he more likely would not object to it.
Why “especially the boy”?