<p>My 14 year-old daughter has an observant (Conservative) Jewish friend. She knows him fairly well but except for exchanging pleasantries as we drop the kids off at the mall, I do not know his family. The friend’s grandma just died and hes having a very hard time. My daughter asked him if there was something she could do to help. He invited her to the shiva and provided all the information for her to come. The first day is tomorrow. My daughter feels she should go since she asked and this is what he said he needs. </p>
<p>We have never been to a shiva before so we dont know what is done or what to tell her to expect. I read a wikipedia article about it to gain a little background information on the tradition. The article did not say much about what the visitors do. Im embarrassed to ask my IRL Jewish acquaintances; I would still like a little guidance from real people. Please excuse my ignorance. </p>
<p>Here are my questions.</p>
<p>-Does it matter which of the three days she goes? Are some days for closer friends/family?</p>
<p>-I assume she should dress nicely. Is there anything she should or should not wear?</p>
<p>-Should I cook something for her to take? If so, what would be appropriate? I dont know if they are kosher. </p>
<p>-What can I tell her to do or not do? She knows its not a happy party, but are there other customs she needs to follow?</p>
<p>-How long should she expect to stay? Should I plan to go with her? I dont mind staying; however, I dont know if they want to be inundated with lots of unfamiliar people either. </p>
<p>It would mean a lot to your daughter’s friend if she paid a shiva call. In the Jewish religion, burial is usually within 24 hours, followed by a period of shiva which can last up to a week. The immediate family of the deceased usually sit on wooden boxes and mirrors in the house are covered. Often, the front door is left unlocked, so visitors can walk in without ringing the doorbell. It is customary for visitors to bring food. A safe bet if you don’t know if the family is kosher is fruit or nuts. It is customary to bring something sweet, but closer friends will provide dinner for the deceased family. There will be a table with food for the guests to help themselves. It doesn’t matter which day your daughter attends. There is often a religious ceremony in the evening around sundown each of the shiva nights. Let me know if you need any other information.</p>
<p>I realized I didn’t answer all your questions. She should wear something conservative, pants are fine but shorts aren’t appropriate. I wouldn’t wear anything too bright in color either. She should offer her condolences to her friend when she walks in the house and her friend will probably introduce her to the others in the room. If not, your daughter should just say that she is a friend from school. There will be a lot of conversation - a shiva call is to pay your respect to the family and take their mind off their grief. You can go with your daughter, but it’s not necessary if you don’t know her friend and her friend’s family</p>
<p>I agree with everything michone said, except I will also say that I have been to shiva calls that felt more like an open house gathering vs. a grieving experience. This has typically been in homes that were less observant and where the spouse of the elderly deceased had already died. Unfortunately, in this modern world, shiva calls are often where people get a chance to see each other for the first time in a long while. Tell your daughter to spend as much time there as she feels comfortable. I’ve spent as little as 20 minutes and as much as 2 hours at shiva calls.</p>
<p>Often, families will open their houses to visitors during specific hours, and there will be a brief prayer service during that period – 15 or 20 minutes’ worth, usually not more, the normal afternoon service, concluding with the Mourners’ Kaddish. People usually stay for that, then lots leave and some stay longer. It is not horrifyingly rude to leave before it starts, especially if you are not Jewish, but people DO usually stay. It is a little rude to come so late that you miss it altogether.</p>
<p>I went to a shiva for my old professor. His children, who were grown and had been living in different states, appreciated my reminiscing about their father; it was an aspect of him that, as his children, they did not really know. There was no Mourner’s Kaddish when I arrived, during the time period stipulated.
Your D’s friend will appreciate her coming to share in his sorrow.</p>
<p>If the family is observant, they probably will have one or more services at their house during the day. Personally, I do not think that people who are not jewish need to be around for the service(s). There should be set times for the services and these vary due to the time of the year. It is nice if you want to send a cake or dessert, but you don’t have to.</p>
<p>It doesn’t matter which day she goes. As for dress, just make sure she is modest (no bright colors, etc.) - just as you would if you were paying a condolence call to a non-Jewish family. But she needn’t be dressed to the nines. </p>
<p>If you know the family not to keep kosher, then any kind of baked good would be appropriate – if you are unsure, then a basket of fruit is the safest choice. It’s kind, but not necessary. </p>
<p>Be aware that many may leave the front door unlocked, so you just walk in – that’s ok. They may have covered the mirrors in the house, and the mourners may sit on lower stools. The family may wear a little cloth with a tear in it to symbolize tearing one’s clothing in grief. Traditionally you’re not supposed to speak until the mourner initiates conversation, but I’ve never really seen that happen, and no one would take offense at a young girl offering her condolences to the family.</p>
<p>I don’t think you need go with her (unless you have a relationship with the family too). She’ll be able to handle herself. If they do start the prayer service, then she knows enough to simply be quiet and respectful during that and that’s fine. Just think of it as a condolence call from her perspective – say a few nice words to the family, socialize in a low-key manner.</p>
<p>I went to a shiva for a friend who’d lost her mom, and spent a good part of the time I was there talking with/entertaining one of her little nephews, who was kind of at loose ends. Not having any kid-type anything to keep him occupied, I opened my wallet (!) and he and I went through it, plastic card by plastic card, picture by picture, scrap of paper by scrap of paper, old ticket by old ticket. I had a few expired things he could keep if he wanted, and oh, yes, he wanted! He was enchanted by this, apparently, and for months afterwards, would ask my friend, his aunt, if he could go through her wallet with her whenever she visited/babysat!</p>
<p>It kept him occupied and allowed his parents an opportunity to talk without interruption with their guests, which they appreciated.</p>
<p>Not that I’m suggesting your daughter open her wallet to any small children that might be present, mind you! Was just reminded of this by your post. In attending, your D will give her friend someone his own age to talk with, and that is likely to help him more than she may realize.</p>
<p>Shivas vary pretty widely depending on the mourner. In my experience, most wind up just being very conversational and social. On the other hand, my father, who is somewhat more religious, made a conscious effort not to have the shiva turn into a social event - he kept conversations very brief and to the point. Since your daughter’s friend isn’t officially the mourner, however, protocol shouldn’t be an issue. She should do just what she would with any grieving friend and let her take her lead. The only time protocol comes in is when she is introduced to the mourner(s), who she should just greet, offer condolences, and move on unless they make a gesture to extend it.</p>
<p>If there is a service, usually just enough people to make a minyan (the quorum for saying certain prayers, including kaddish, the prayer for the dead) go to another room, and the others continue doing what they were doing.</p>
<p>If they’re an observant family, I recommend not bringing any food to the shiva. Although the custom in less traditional families is to serve food, at shiva in observant households, there is often no food served to visitors. A nice idea is to make a small contribution to a charity of their choice (there may be one or more charities listed in the obituary) or yours.</p>
<p>Ok, I can answer many of these questions as I am currently sittling shiva. I have 4 children 9-18. I have encouraged my childrens friends to come whenever they want. Usually in the afternoon is good since there are so many people in the evening prior to the service, which begins at 7:45. We are conservative, personally i have no issues wiwth what they wear, just use common sense. If you do not know if they are kosher you can usually be safe sending something with no meat. Cookies are always good. Iif you send meal food make sure it is freezable, the amount of food is overwhelming!</p>
<p>I will say it is extremely helpful to have friend during shiva, including many non jewish friends, a friend is a friend.</p>
<p>if I can answer any other questions just ask.</p>
<p>Regardless of religious faith, when you are grieving, truer words were never spoken.</p>
<p>JNSQ, I echo Hunt, that you should be proud of your daughter. I’d like to add that I also admire your taking so much time to research what might or might not be in keeping with the practices of the grieving family.</p>
<p>If your daughter remains for the service, she should be aware that it is customary for everyone to stand. She need not participate in any way.</p>
<p>Shiva is really not much different than viewing hours are for non-Jews, except that it takes place in the home following the funeral rather than in a funeral home beforehand. Your daughter should comport herself as she would at those occasions. Once she’s there, she can follow the “mood” of the gathering; as noted, some can be quite social and festive.</p>
<p>As a friend of a grandchild, and still not an adult yet herself, your daughter should not feel obligated to bring anything to the family. Food is not required. Her presence is enough.</p>
<p>One thing to note is that it is not traditional to bring flowers. For some reason, flowers have never really been part of the Jewish funeral/mourning ritual.</p>
<p>But one of the greatest *mitzvot<a href=“good%20deeds”>/I</a> in Judaism is to comfort the bereaved. Your daughter is becoming a beautiful young woman and a good friend. You should be proud.</p>
<p>Totally agree with Chedva on this one. Your daughter does not need to bring anything to the shiva house. Many adults will bring some sort of dessert items (bakery cookies, brownies, etc.) because guests coming and going throughout the day/evening are encouraged to “nosh,” have a nibble. Your daughter’s friendship is most important. She can ask the young man about his grandmother, what was his favorite thing to do with her, or just talk about school and their mutual friends.</p>
<p>I agree, jnsq, that you should be very proud of your daughter for wanting to comfort her friend. Very classy. Her kindness and obvious good heart will see her through any unfamiliar customs.</p>
<p>Can’t improve on any of the excellent comments here. We’ve found that there are generally things to eat, and family members/friends have generally arranged for food in advance or a bereavement committee at the family’s synagogue may arrange for folks to bring items. DH was head of our shul’s catering committee and we have never brought food to a shiva in an official or unofficial capacity. </p>
<p>In our Conservative shul, the tradition is to hold shiva minyan at the family’s home in the evening, followed by food to nosh and time for folks to talk. Generally not a big “party” per se, but a time of love, sadness and remininsces.</p>
<p>Jnsq, your D is a wonderful friend and her thoughtfulness will be remembered for a long, long time.</p>
<p>I deeply appreciate the time you all took to answer my questions. I shared your information and experiences with my daughter. We both have a much clearer idea of what to expect and what she should do, wear, take, etc. She’s decided to go in the afternoon of the second day, but will call/text her friend first to be sure that’s a good time. </p>
<p>All your warm comments concerning her compassionate character were wonderful to read. She has a heart of gold, a true and steadfast friend, in a quiet, unassuming way. I, too, am proud of the way she has reached out to her friend, willing to help in the way he most needs. </p>
<p>Thank you again for all the suggestions, sharing your experiences and kind compliments. </p>
<p>I never doubted for a second my friends on CC would come through. You all are the best.</p>
<p>Agree with all here. When my mom passed away, having people stop by during shiva was greatly appreciated. I also agree-- don’t bring food (there will be plenty). Find out what organizations might be special to them (a particular colunteer group, non-profit, heart association, Alzheimers association, diabetes association or the like) and make a donation in his memory. My sympathies to your daughter.</p>