I think I finally get it…at least a little. I have worked my adult life, mostly FT. It wasn’t easy, but it worked for my marriage and for me. I used to frequent WOHM/SAHM boards in my early parenting years reading the frustrations of both sets, but really only identifying with WOHMs.
I’m not a SAHM now, as my children are grown. I work PT now, just 10 hours or so a week. Most of my time I’m home. I keep a clean and tidy house, and don’t have a housekeeper. I do all the cooking and cleanup. I do all the laundry. I basically do all the inside work and a little outside. What I find frustrating is that I don’t feel this contribution is really worth much to my DH. Oh sure, he likes a clean house and we all function better…but he held my working and earning money much higher. He never says anything, I just know. Plus, it’s really frustrating to clean something until it sparkles, but no one but you even notices, as it’s really not noticeable. I can only imagine what it was like adding children to the mix, and not receiving the accolades and appreciation of society, because I don’t think it is really there…even now generally. I feel frustrated not feeling like I’m contributing anything of real value to my family now, even though I know I am.
So, from this former WOHM to you former SAHM’s, my hat is off to you.
Maybe you should have a chat with your husband (on one of your long walks!) about your feelings and how this change has opened your eyes. Or maybe if it’s not important to anyone else, don’t worry about cleaning something until it sparkles - go take a class of something you enjoy instead!!
I have always said if you were a SAHM or a WOHM, unless you had a cleaning woman/cook, all those home tasks are still on your agenda. Perhaps the SAHM just has a little more ease/time in getting them done. But if as a SAHM, your self worth or “work ethic” is relying on the feedback/satisfaction you get from having a clean orderly house with a dinner on the table at 6 then it could be defeating to not have that appreciated by your family.
I find myself having some similar gripes - but in a different manner. I work full time and just have one college aged D home in the summer. My H on the other hand retired late fall 2016. I get VERY jealous and frustrated that he basically now has 50 hours more in his week yet very little of that time seems to go towards him chipping in unless I ask for some very specific help or task to be completed. And as far as “honey do” lists (hate that term!) his % of completion is very low. Everyone says, “give him time to enjoy retirement” - when do I get time to enjoy a break in the tasks I have to do!!! I’m not asking him to take over things he never did or wouldn’t do well. Years ago I did work part time - and did have more time to be home - thing is, back then there were three little bodies who were relying on me to take care of all their needs on top of work and home - in retirement he doesn’t have that!
I always worked outside the home, but when all three of my kids were in school, there were always groups of SAHMs who contributed an amazing amount of time, energy and creativity to the classes and schools. The time they all spent would have been comparable to at least a part-time job and often more, and I was and remain so grateful to them. I bet they always had much less time at home to do house stuff.
SAHM here for 21 years. Raising six kids, home schooling most of them. Every minute of every day is completely full, but people still have the expectation that I have all this “extra time”. I had an aquaintance a long time ago who was not a fan of SAHMs until she had her first child and took maternity leave. She told me she couldn’t stand it, and had to go back to work just 2 weeks after her son was born. She said she couldn’t imagine spending every day focusing on someone else besides herself, not being able to wear nice clothes or going out to lunch, and especially hated that no one was complimenting her for her efforts or thanking her for her time.
My H, for the most part, has always been grateful for my role in the family, and he and I decided together this was how we wanted to raise our children. But there are still lots of things he takes for granted When I asked him to remove the window screens last weekend so I could wash the outside of the windows, he said “Funny how I get roped into doing so many things around the house.” I won’t lie. It hurt. He came back later and apologized, but it was still telling. He thinks the little bit he does is a lot. I don’t think he would feel that way if I was working outside the home and making money.
You may not get a lot of comments from SAHMs. I’m not sure how many of us are left. Most of us, I would venture to say, understand the plight of the working mother because most of our friends and relatives fall into that category. But I don’t think, in general, working mothers understand or sympathize with SAHMs. We must be uneducated, dominated, full of low self-esteem, unmotivated and lazy. That’s the vibe we get from society. Public figures, especially polilticians and talk show hosts, love to make declarations of how SAHMs have the “toughest job in the world” (bit of an overstatement), but it doesn’t play that way in the real world.
So thank you for understanding and taking the time to say it here.
I’ve been on both sides and just have to say, the grass often seems greener on one side versus the other. That’s whether you want the life another has or think your own choices are the better ones.
Ideally, both sides work together toward mutual goals and satisfactions, share different tasks. And pursue their own interests, as individuals, as well.
If the issue is equal respect, that’s something to work on. If it’s self respect, see what you can do. This assumes you can afford make the lifestyle choices, one direction or the other.
I have also been on both sides - SAHM for 19-1/2 years, then FT job when oldest was in college (#2 was still in high school). I basically had a full time job with all the stuff I did for the schools, neighborhood, and church while a SAHM. After the kids got older, my friends all went back to work & I decided I wanted to (and frankly, needed to … in order to avoid the kids borrowing loans in college) go back to work, too.
Oh, my, working FT is hard. So much to do, and so little time to get it done. And my kids haven’t lived at home in a few years.
I am very, very fortunate to have a husband who valued my contributions when I was a SAHM. He has pitched in since I returned to work, and I don’t feel that I am overburdened with tasks compared to how much he does around the house. The truth is, if the toilet didn’t get cleaned as often as I clean it, he wouldn’t care. If dishes sat in the kitchen sink, he would care. If the carpet didn’t get vacuumed, he wouldn’t care. I don’t get actual thanks or accolades for that. Then again, he takes care of stuff around the house & with the cars that I am not going to rush to do. We both contribute differently, but that doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate what the other contributes. I think that is the important thing.
I stopped working 24 years ago when S was born. I loved my life as a SAHM and now as a SAHW. H is very appreciative of all I’ve done/do. He does plenty of things around the house, yard to help out. If I cook he cleans up and vice versa. I also handle all the finances - so it’s not just domestic stuff I do.
I totally appreciate SAHM and how difficult it is. I appreciate all the work and creativity these moms provided at school. When their kids were in school they had the time to be at school to do these volunteer opportunities.
What I didn’t appreciate was when these same moms went to the board and complained that we working moms weren’t doing our part. The board then instituted a mandatory service hour requirement for school volunteering. What they failed to realize is that we were in fact doing our part, just not always on the frontline like they were. I took plenty of days off to chaperone field trips but because I knew I couldn’t always be there for the committee meetings or volunteering I, (and most of the working moms) committed financially writing many checks for donations to make many of their projects and fundraisers successful. It takes both.
What was not taken into account during their crusade was that MANY of the working moms who were contributing financially did their mandatory in person volunteering but a lot of the checks stopped. They were hurt financially.
Every family needs to do what is right for their own family. SAHM moms don’t have it easier but they also need to stop shaming working moms or making working moms feel guilty.
@abasket when my DH retired while I was stil working full time, I told him since reitred from the office I was retiring from the home. He took on all of the running the household items, carpool (still had one in HS) cooking, shopping, cleaning, etc. It was a little rough for a while until he got the hang of it and learned to plan and cook. But I bit my tongue and he is now a great cook and keeps the house clean. I still work from home more like part time, but he still manages the house. When I actually retire I guess we will renegotiate
My husband is great. And appreciative. But he doesn’t see sparkling counter tops or untidy rooms, an unmade bed doesn’t churn his stomach.
But he does like having dinner made, and even a drink waiting for him when he gets home from work. When I worked full time, I always got home later than he did (longer hours/commute) so he cooked dinner every night.
So now that I work much, much less, I don’t really sweat the house, but I do try to make nice, original dinners. In other words, I focus on what appeals to him.
My issue with not working full time at my previous salary, is that it feels weird to be spending someone else’s earned money. But that’s another issue altogether.
Do you think you are perhaps frustrated because you are spending more time than necessary on household chores? Your DH may honestly not care if the counter were a bit less shiny or even a few dishes in the sink because you were out doing something you found more interesting. Not being critical, but many people don’t really notice or appreciate the difference between a clean kitchen and a super clean, sparkly one. As I get older, I have come to believe that we can’t count on others to make us happy. Of course you can ask your DH to voice his appreciation more, but also recognize that you may need to look elsewhere for satisfaction (again, not trying to be critical, just a different perspective).
I’ve been a homeschooler for ~20 years. I ran my own part-time business for most of those years, led Scout groups (Boy & Girl), coached rec sports teams, volunteered in our community, and built a homeschool network of several hundred families. I recently went back to work full-time.
None of that matters. Everyone in my household contributes to running it because they live there. Work is divided by ability. There’s no division based on the presumed amount of hours someone will be home. We’re a team. That means there’s no “his money” and “her money,” or “his jobs” and “her jobs.” We share and do the best we can with what we have.
I don’t categorize families as stay at home or working. People do what they can. I find your viewpoint interesting, though, @bhs1978. If the fundraisers benefited your children’s school, weren’t they as much yours as the SAHM’s? You say it takes both groups, but then refer to the projects as “their” fundraisers. I think it’s difficult to form a cohesive team when the participants are separating themselves into us and them.
@katliamom …I know what you mean about spending money. I still do it and he never says a word…but I felt as I had more of a right to do it when I was putting money in the pot.
Let’s keep this thread an appreciation of the others choices please.
@austinmshauri of course they were mine as well as the SAHM. The problem is they claimed them as theirs and discounted the financial support they were receiving from those who could not do the frontline work due to time constraints. Basically it was an “out of sight out of mind situation”. If certain moms didn’t see your face at committee meetings, or set up or whatever else was required they assumed you weren’t doing your part and went to the board to complain. So who in this instance made it difficult to create a cohesive team?
I 100% appreciate all that was done for my children by this group of people. I didn’t necessarily feel that my contributions were appreciated because it did not come in the same form.
I thinks it’s important to realize that the “cohesive team” is made up of people who bring different things to the table. I feel the same way about our household. My husband and I share responsibilities. It it may not always be in the same percentages. Some weeks he’s the up front person some weeks I’m the up front person. The point is we respect that we have differences and that our contributions may also be different.
I was a SAHM and always appreciated workingg moms who was ncluded me in conversations, assumed I was happy with my choice (and I totally was) and were not assuming that I judged them. There are lots of “right” ways to do things in life. I was glad to hold the fort of after school emergencies, daycare crisis, roommother duties while my sistas were holding down the work world.
“There are lots of “right” ways to do things in life. I was glad to hold the fort of after school emergencies, daycare crisis, roommother duties while my sistas were holding down the work world.”
OMG, @greenbutton, when my kids were in elementary school I had The Least Flexible Job On The Planet… without taking a vacation day, I COULDN’T be there for the school field trip, for the cookie party to celebrate the teacher’s birthday, for the after-school bake sale. It was SAHMs who did the heavy lifting at school for moms like me. It was hugely appreciated.
When I finally left TLFJTP I was so happy to be able to participate. Ironically enough, that’s exactly when one of the most involved moms returned to work, and vanished from school grounds. She and I laughed about, it’s like we switched lives.
I never once in my life thought that a house that sparkled was a high priority…I think people can hold different things at different places on an importance scale - but if something is high on one spouse’s importance scale and low on the other it’s going to take alittle work to get to the find a happy middle. If one spouse needs to be praised for contributing to the household support monetarily or otherwise then that is something to work out between the two partners. Personally I don’t expect thanks and I don’t give thanks for things that are responsibilities…I save thanks for over and beyond. Presumable when a young married couple decides to have a baby or two or three, there is a conversation if one of the parents wants to stay home and I imagine there is a conversation about how that will change up the dynamics. Both are still working but I have also watched SAHMs turn over the kids to their husbands as they walked in the door and say “your turn” as if their husbands were doing no work at all. I think there can be marriage stressors anytime the dynamic changes.
We’ve never had a house that sparkled–son’s condo sparkles more than our house, but both are happy homes, which in my mind is the important thing. I was glad to be the parent who was available as needed. Once my kids stopped wanting me on field trips and as a chaperone, I gradually eased back into the work world, working part time and spending the rest of the time driving kids and me to and from MD appointments and other activities. It has definitely been a journey and there are many paths the different folks choose or have chosen for them.
