I’m a hybrid… worked from home since before the kids were born. Sometimes it was 60+ hours a week and I’d bring in help for the business and/or the kids. Most of the time it was less and I enjoyed the flexibility to schedule service calls, tend to sick kids and help in classrooms.
Now kids are grown and gone and I’m mostly retired, but family roles are well established. DH and I have very different strengths and have learned that one of us takes “lead” position. I have the fix-it gene that he totally lacks. He coordinates most of our social outings. (I know, opposite of gender stereotypes.) We were both amazed that we recently changed a lightbulb together without getting into a power struggle. But it was a difficult lightbulb
I have been the “breadwinner” (hate the term) for our entire marriage while my H has been at home. A cleaning lady comes in for a few hours every other week, so the house isn’t dirty. But clutter builds up, socks stay in the middle of the floor for days, etc. I would SO notice and appreciate a clean house!!!
I was more-or-less a SAHM the entire time we were raising our kids. I never returned to the full-time job I had before Kid #1 was born. I did freelance work on a part-time basis, from my home, for 22 years (until Kid #2 started college) – usually making no more than half a full-time salary.
From my point of view, this was a good arrangement. I did interesting work, I stayed active in my field (although I did not advance up a career ladder), most years I brought a meaningful amount of money into the family, and I was able to free my husband from all weekday daytime kid-related responsibilities except on extraordinary occasions (such as the time he had to leave his job to pick up our kids at school on the day my car got stolen).
But there were two catches – one of which I anticipated and one of which I didn’t. The one I anticipated was that when I returned to full-time work, I would be far lower in the hierarchy (and pay scale) than someone who had always worked full-time. This was OK with me – a fair trade for the opportunity to be my kids’ primary caregiver (which I had discovered that I liked).
The other one was that as soon as I was working again, a tension that I had seen in my husband since the day our first kid was born eased up. It turned out that he found being the major breadwinner – and knowing that my limited income could not support the family – to be a huge source of stress. I think he realized this all along, but he didn’t know quite how bad it was until it was over. He wished – very deeply – that we had shared the financial burdens more equally.
The unanswerable question is how the stress he experienced because of his heavy financial responsibility compares to the stress felt by both spouses in families where both have full-time jobs. If I had worked full-time, he would have had to miss work sometimes to deal with kid-related stuff on far-less-than-extraordinary occasions. Sometimes, he would have had to be the one to deal with the orthodontist appointment, or the snow day, or the much-dreaded call from the school nurse because I would not have had enough paid time off to do it every time. Would this have felt worse to him than what he actually experienced? We’ll never know.
^Yes, my husband also feels stressed when he’s the only one working. But he also wasn’t happy when he had to do stuff for the kids when I WAS working. And the few times I went away and left him a list of everything that needed to be done, when I’d return he would ALWAYS say, “I got almost everything on the list done!” Uh, “almost”?? There weren’t any optional items on the list, hon.
^^^OMG, yes. I clean the same 100 sq ft of kitchen every night, and 24 hours later, S2 and DH have trashed it. S2 tries to clean up, but doesn’t complete the job. DH leaves silverware, glasses, food wrappers and crumbs all over the table for me to clean up. I have taken to just leaving it there to see if he will clean it up before he leaves for work the next am. 50/50 odds that he does. I have started a photo collection of all the times he leaves a mess.
DH has never forgiven me for going off the career fast track.I’ve worked FT, PT and been at home since having kids. The majority of the at-home has been medically related. I get zero respect for what I am able to do. Meanwhile, he is able to work 70 hours/week because he doesn’t have to sweat the details at home. No, the house doesn’t sparkle, but it is miles cleaner than the homes he and I each grew up in.
I never saw much conflict between moms who worked in the home vs. those who worked outside. We all had the same complaints.
@greenbutton, ITA: “There are lots of “right” ways to do things in life.”
I never intended to be a SAHM, but things just worked out that way. The first few years were tough, and it didn’t help when people made comments about me “wasting” my MBA or intellect. Dh was supportive, but that wasn’t always enough.
Over the years, one of the biggest obstacles to relationships, it has seemed to me, is that other women assumed I judged them negatively for choices that differed from my own. We homeschooled/unschooled until the kids went off to college. Some women were very defensive about their choice to work and/or use daycare (too often their husbands didn’t help matters.) When I tried to say, “If y’all are happy, then why should anyone else care?” they clearly didn’t believe me. Ironically, my closest female friend now is a senior exec of a Fortune 500 company.
As for the house, if I leave dh’s mess alone long enough he will clean up after himself, but it’s hard for me to live with it in the meantime. Yet dh often comments about how he’s bothered by how messy relatives’ homes are when he visits and he can’t understand how/why they live that way. If he has a specific job to do, he does it but he doesn’t often look beyond that particular task. He loads the dishwasher every night but rarely looks to see if the counters or range need to be cleaned. I don’t think he intends to be difficult or lazy, he just doesn’t see the mess until it gets out of hand. Every weekend he asks me to write a list of chores and enjoys crossing off each one he completes, to the point where I have to add chores to the list that he’s already done that day so he can cross them off, too. It used to bug me that I had to be the one to decide what needed to be done and when, but now I just appreciate that he does the work without complaint as long as I voice my appreciation.
I sometimes think that if we clean-niks could see behind the eyes of a not-so-worried-about-neat person (and vice versa), what would we see? Do they really see the crumbs, the clutter, the mess - or does their mind just not recognize it needing attention?
And regarding SAHM/WOHM or WOHW, we all have the same amount of total hours in the day …24 - to do everything that we want/need done. How it gets filled is your own personal story/situation.
Yup my H was a SAHD about the time the first went into high school. It has been hugely stressful knowing my salary is so important and there are many times I have threatened to rehire housekeeping - something H claimed as a financial advantage when he quit working. Doesn’t really matter there are always perceived inequities and the only way to get through it is to yell alittle, bite your tongue alittle and compromise alittle.
Absolutely my DH doesn’t like the stress of being the only source of income. I think he was happier with me when I brought in a large® salary, benefits, etc. He never says that, but I know him. He feels that there is no reason women can’t work alongside their husbands and shoulder the burden. Well, that’s a bit selfish because when I was working FT, I was the parent and he was the co parent it seemed. He’d be annoyed if I had to work weekends and leave him with little kids all day. He wanted his cake and to eat it, too. Those years are behind us, but it starts making my blood boil thinking about it.
So now we are in our late 50’s, kids are grown and I have a healthy 401k myself. I bring home peanuts. It’s just that after decades of feeling like I should work, it’s hard to shake that…especially after I see tons of women my age going back to work.
I was the breadwinner when married to my now ex, conmama, and I totally get the stress your DH feels, but he should kick in a little more. Or appreciate your efforts more. It’s all about balance and being appreciated.
I would guess that more people your (our!) age are thinking about retirement than getting back in the workforce - but maybe because this is on your mind, it seems that others are going back to full time careers when you are not - and don’t really want to!
I have never been a fan of “retirement”. But after seeing/hearing so many people around me (my husband, neighbors) retired or retiring soon - I’m starting to get a little jealous of all their free time! Maybe your H feels that way? Jealous of your time at home - or just not at the office? Have you had that conversation?
If you have the financial stability to not work full time, and you enjoy that option, I think at this point in life you should be able to have it and ENJOY it. But where ever a partner is - at the office, at home - they need to feel valued and appreciated for what they do.
(one more thing: is your H a really productive person? I get that feeling. Maybe he is just really task focused and sees your role at home to clean/cook/work part time just your “tasks” to complete - and forgets to give credit for it?)
Nobody knows what I do until I stop doing it . . . that is my motto.
I have a part-time job this summer and I’m amazed at how amazed H and S are about stuff that happens or doesn’t happen when I’m not there (for 5-6 hrs a day so we’re not talking 12-14 hr days).
On the other hand I’m glad that nobody at our house is a neat freak since I’m not myself. We are reasonably clean but I’m sort of a clutter bug with books, magazines, notebooks, etc. When I do keep the house more picked up nobody really cares or notices. The only grousing that happens is when people run out of clothes or food.
I do feel that my role is to keep a running house. Look, it doesn’t sparkle, and my bathrooms are an embarrassment right now, but I just cleaned my kitchen yesterday and you can eat off the floor. I might not do that for another month. My point is that no one even really sees it…because it was picked up on a daily basis. Anyway, he keeps the outside immaculate and it looks wonderful.
@abasket …I do think there is some envy. This is hard to explain. It’s not like he wants me to go to work, because he can’t do what I do. He just wants it, too. He works incredibly hard, many hours, so I don’t mind doing this. I also feel it’s my responsibility. I do thank him from time to time for working so hard for our nice life and I know he appreciates that. He will from time to time, even when I was working, make some comment about the “magic underwear/tshirt drawer”. But in truth, he values my putting money in the coffers more than dinner on the table.
My original point is I understand how it’s not valued the same way working outside the home is to many people, add in kids and it’s a very full life.
Good for some, not for others. I loved it, but I am conflicted about whether or not I would choose to do the same if I had it to do all over again (probably would, but …). Just like everything else in life, you make a decision & make the best of it.
I was another one who never intended to be a SAHM , but was for 10 years. I never got any criticism or negative remarks from anyone. Not once. When I was not employed outside the home I was very aware that H had the responsibility of being the only breadwinner not because he said anything but because of my own guilt about not working. I felt that keeping the house clean, cooking, laundry and majority of child care was my responsibility and never resented it. I did not have to deal with commuting, difficult co workers, deadlines and work stress. If I has a sick child or the school had a snow day - no problem. I made my own schedule every day and had time to sit and read in the afternoon for a little while. I started back at work part time , but have now been full time for several years. H has taken over the cooking ( he is a much better cook) and we outsource the cleaning. It works for us.
You’re a better person than me, @FallGirl, because I did resent doing essentially all of the child care. Sometimes, there were situations where I felt that either my husband’s gender or his knowledge would make it possible for him to do a better job on a parenting task than I could. For example, since he had been a math major at college and had been a TA for math courses, I thought he might be better suited to help our kids with advanced math homework than I was. And because he was a man, I thought he was better suited than me to dealing with the problem of our son getting into physical fights on the elementary school playground. But my husband would point out that dealing with the kids was part of the responsibility I had chosen. We never did resolve that one.
I have been both and enjoy both. I do most of the laundry and cleaning. When I begin to feel too unappreciated, I find myself “forgetting” to put fresh towels in the bathrooms and not cleaning other peoples sinks. Yes, it’s petty. But I figure no one notices anyway
It’s been interesting to hear of spouses feeling stressed being the sole breadwinner. For me I think it was the reverse. I went back to full time two years ago when my oldest headed to college and I know my DH is more stressed as a result. For years he never had to worry about things at home. It’s taken a bit of compromise and renegotiating.
That’s how it feels with my H @mom23travelers. As long as we can afford it I think he would prefer me to deal with the house stuff and be free to travel when we want to. And he works from home (when he is not traveling) so it’s not like nobody is there. Drives me crazy at times though.
