Sometimes I feel like a property manager.
It is interesting looking back over the last twenty-five years and thinking about H’s and my attitudes towards work. I was a SAHM most of that time and gave up a lucrative professional career. My attitude was mostly like FallGirl’s: I felt guilty for not working for pay, but I took on being wholly responsible for the kids and the house (and the yard and the cars and the the finances and basically everything that wasn’t bringing in a salary.) I seldom resented it. When the kids were really little, yes, I wanted a break and H wouldn’t help (always too busy at work…) so I figured out how to carve out a little time to myself. I just figured this is how it would be. I had to take care of myself. But I loved being with my kids and felt like I could do a better job than H or any nanny, so I did it. (Not so thrilled about housework, but did it, too.) When the kids started school, I could take on some part time work, but was still responsible for everything at home. (Yes, I did try to train the others, but ultimately it was me getting it all done.)
The funny thing is that I think today H has more regrets. He does feel like he was under appreciated. He worked hard, was totally into his job, and to me he seemed to love it. If not, why not establish some boundaries? Why bring work home and talk on the phone all weekend when you could be with us? It looked like a choice to me, and I treated it as a choice those times when I wanted him to do x with the kids and he insisted he couldn’t. I said okay, I will figure out how to do it alone. (Okay, there is a little resentment…)
He feels like he missed too much of their childhoods and that his sacrifice was not appreciated. I feel sorry for him, but feel like, hey, I tried to pull you in to their lives and to get you to set some limits, but you didn’t. And we always had plenty of money, so this was not a struggle to survive. He chose to focus on his career. (And he has been very very successful and has enjoyed his work. )
I agree with kelsmom that we made our choices and now we move on from here. Maybe H will spend more time with his grandkids.
I am going on close to 20 years of being a SAHM - after working for 12 (became a mom in my mid-30s).
I am fortunate that my husband never said a word about me going back to work full-time. Over the years I’ve had some very minor part-time jobs but nothing that took me out of my house for more than a few hours a day. I fill my day with all sorts of stuff mostly related to my children and what they are doing, household paperwork, etc. I like the flexibility of the things I’ve done, even though none of them will put food on the table, so to speak.
I am in awe of the moms who do what I do family-wise, while working outside the home.
Both my sisters-in-law were SAHMs when all our children were small.
I had The Least Flexible Job On The Planet, physically draining and stressful, but it paid well, and offered superb benefits that were much better than my professor husband’s. So he stepped up, doing a lion’s share of the cooking, shopping and, yes, childcare. My children didn’t know mommies made pancakes, and were always highly suspicious when they saw me in the kitchen.
Fast forward 25 years, and both my sisters-in-law are working full time, reveling a full life outside the home… while I have said “no” to corporate hell and any setting in which there are cubicles. I now do all the cooking, which cracks up my daughter when she visits. “NOW you’re a traditional mom and wife!” she laughs. When I’m not cooking, I hang out on my deck a lot. Who knows, in a few years I might find this boring. For now it feels deliciously decadent.
Different lifestyles for different phases of life for different people. All the phases require some sacrifices but offer other benefits. The trick – as always – is to find some semblance of balance.
I was a SAHM for the most part while my kids were growing up. I worked PT after S1 was born until S2 was born, and then PT again when S1 was in HS and S2 in MS.
I know DH felt the pressure, although he didn’t express it often. I handled (and still do) our family finances, so I knew we were fine. I think my tendency to look for lowest prices on things and best values was my way of contributing financially without having to bring in a paycheck.
I don’t think DH realized how much my being home gave him the ability to concentrate at work, not be concerned about coming home late, and not have to deal with the vagaries of kids’ schedules. He never had to be concerned with kids being home sick, school delays or early dismissals, afterschool activities, being home for repairmen, etc. Since he runs his own business, those disruptions would’ve been problematic.
Now that S1 is expecting his first child, and his wife works, he’s becoming aware of the costs of daycare and how my being home meant he never had to go to daycare. There’s no question that DIL will work, and S supports that, but he knows his child will have a different upbringing than he did.
My high school counselor was a wonderful, wonderful Texan named Toody Byrd. Her husband was Hoyt Byrd. She knew I wanted to be an engineer, and we used to talk about family/work balance. She told me that she used to say frequently, “Hoyt, what we need around here is a WIFE!”
This article reminded me of this thread:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/working-mom-makes-awesome-edits-to-daughters-sexist-homework_us_593592c5e4b0cfcda91672af?
@katliamom My experience mirrors yours quite a bit, including sisters/SIL who did the SAHM thing and now have very active, successful careers.
@katliamom …you got that right about the corporate hell full of cubicles. I think that’s my big reluctance to go back…the thought of spending my days in a cubicle again. I shudder at the thought.
Ugh, a couple of years ago I worked in a downtown office for a couple of months. What struck me was how high the cubicle walls were. I could see over them, since I’m tall, but a shorter person would feel like she worked in a maze! I was really happy when that assignment ended. DH just got another project with them, though. I’m hoping he doesn’t need my help, ack.
Both my husband worked full time jobs BC for 12 years with lots of out of town travel involved. He was very much into the “we’re in this 50/50 concept”. I mean EVERY task was divided equally. Then we got kid’s. Difficult adopted kids. That’s when we agreed to hire a housecleaner to come every two weeks. Because after we got kids things weren’t 50/50 anymore. I took on 80% of the kid duties in addition to working full time (but I loved doing both - I had a very interesting and fulfilling job and I adored my kids). After 7 years of that I came to a point where I just couldn’t manage it all. I realized I wasn’t superwoman and just couldn’t sustain that lifestyle. My kids needed me more than I needed to be working. I quit work and contributed financially by doing some contract from work from home. Then when the kids were older I went back to work full time for about three more years and then developed some medical problems and had to retire. I have a small pension (I’ll have more when I’m eligible for SS) and I have some contract work again so I’m still contributing financially, but my husband is now the main provider (80% vs 20%) and he also does the majority of the chores and errands these days because of my medical limitations. We do still have a cleaning service twice a month because he won’t do floors or bathrooms. But he does clean the kitchen religiously each night and I appreciate it very much (even though I think the kids need to be cleaning up after themselves but that’s a different story). I know he resents to some extent having to do most of the work now, but he doesn’t verbalize it often. I don’t feel real guilty because I had that role for 7 years so I figure we’re even (at least he gets to sleep at night - I didn’t get more than 4-5 hours sleep for four years when the kids were little). Also because I worked pretty much full time for 22 years we have a lot of equity in our home and we each have a pretty decent 401K account. At this point in our lives I think we’ve come to the realization that we’ve both put time and effort into the family and that’s good enough, there’s no useful reason to make a big deal over who contributes what anymore. And none of us really give a darn about how sparkling clean the house is - as long as the cleaning people come twice a month, that’s good enough too. The only thing that I wish was different is that because of my health problems, my kids think more highly of my husband than they do of me. Because they are older now, they are able to see and appreciate what their Dad contributes while obviously noticing that I don’t contribute equally right now. He is the one who, for the past four years, has done the majority of the “visible” family tasks: picking them up from school, taking them to sports practices and games, on college visits and to doctors appointments, etc. They don’t see or appreciate the stuff I do in the background like doing the taxes, being their travel agent, college admissions consultant, appointment scheduler, gift and clothing purchasing agent, home maintenance and property manager, etc. They don’t remember that when they were little and up until four years ago, I was the one who was always there for them - staying up all night with them and changing their diapers, taking care of them when they were sick, walking them to school, reading to them, singing their bedtime songs (and composing a special song for each one!), cooking their favorite meals, going on class field trips, and doing all the things that their Dad is now doing for them - that is now all a distant memory to them. And than makes me sad. I am at least, the one they can come to talk to, and I try to make it a point to drag them into my bed at night a couple of times/week and snuggle with them and talk about whatever pops into our heads. Their Dad is just not a communicator. I hope they will at least remember that about me fondly.
Actually, @LeastComplicated, you’d be surprised what kids remember, especially feelings. I’m sorry your health is challenging. It does teach our kids to remain flexible and is allowing them to have a better and closer relationship with their dad than they might have otherwise developed.
My husband, too. He didn’t want to get involved in the day-to-day details of raising our children on top of the stresses of a genuinely demanding job. If I brought up something related to the kids, he would say “Don’t bother me with trivia” or “That’s your job, not mine.” He figured that when they were young adults, he would come into his own as a parent, just as his own father had played an important role in his life as an advisor on many topics when he was a young adult.
But his father had been involved in his life all along. His father’s role as an advisor when he was a young adult was a continuation of a pattern of frequent interaction with his children.
My husband didn’t have that kind of history to draw upon. And the advisor role he envisioned has not materialized, largely because he doesn’t have a strong relationship with his grown kids to serve as the basis for that role. He wishes he were closer to them, but it isn’t happening. And now that they live in distant parts of the country, it’s unlikely ever to happen.
Our choices in life have many consequences, some intended, some unintended. And some of them are unfortunate.
Despite working full-time, and often a second job, my husband’s schedule has allowed him to have been the “home” parent for most of our marriage. He was always the one who took the kids to activities, appointments, and made friends with the other parents. Most people in activities or offices that our kids frequented over the years never met me at all, despite knowing my husband and kids quite well. This always bothered me and, frankly, still does, although I know how fortunate we are this his schedule allows one of us to be so hands-on. Now that the kids are grown, my husband still does the vast majority of the housework, although I do most of the real cooking - he is not a great cook, but will prepare the meals I make and freeze, so that works well. I am very fortunate that he was always willing to do the housework, but on the other hand, hiring assistance in that area is a hard, absolute no for him, so he needs to deal. I’ve noticed with my kids and nieces/nephews how much of a stress factor in their marriages/relationships the breadwinning thing is. One nephew has an advanced degree and a very good job, but his wife never worked (over his objections), and the stress is overwhelming him and their marriage. He came into the workforce in the worst point of the downturn and it has had a huge impact on his worldview. I worry about him terribly. My niece is married to a man with a fantastic job on Wall Street (the kind of bonuses we read about in the newspaper), and family money. She has a great job, but they just had their second kid and are trying to decide what to do. She doesn’t enjoy her job at all, and it makes sense for her to stay home, but they are both worried about the balance in their marriage. I am curious to see how it will play out because her maternity leave is about up and no decision has been made. These are not easy choices for anyone, I think.
These are extremely interesting stories. So many things are universal, I see this or that in my own marriage. @LeastComplicated , I’m sorry for your health problems.
@zoosermom, how wise of her and her husband to consider this issue. It’s a subtlety that many of us don’t think of until we see that it has affected our relationships in undesirable ways – often years after the pattern started.
@bhs1978, I think what your school board did is appalling! I’ve been both a WOHM and a SAHM, and even when I was working p/t I felt it was my duty to volunteer at school when the full time parents couldn’t. I regarded this as creating a healthy community, and so did a lot of other SAHMs and part timers. It seems counterproductive to the school’s mission to limit how people are allowed to serve.
Yes, there are haters and grumblers, but my attitude toward them is if you can’t serve joyfully, stay home!
I too appreciate reading all of these stories. My ex-H and I decided together I would stay home and I have never once doubted this decision. When we started a business the kids were in middle school, I ran the office and was able to be home when they were. I remained active in school, community and church and never felt any tension with moms that worked. Once S left for college and D was finishing HS, I found a PT job (that turned in FT) that I wanted to do instead of working in the business which was H’s chosen area. I never felt an imbalance in power because I was responsible for everything except the income. I saw us as a team and saw us playing on our strengths. No regrets. When we divorced, and I moved out of state for a great job opportunity, he made of point of letting me know that I should now be supporting him since I stayed home and did nothing all of those years. :(( It was laughable. He may say that now, but he knows it’s not the truth. I’m the one now paying for college for my D. With no help from him. And I’m fine with it - we all do what we can and I’m just happy I can do it.
My S and his GF are both in banking and have great jobs. She has been upfront about wanting to stay home when she has kids. My S has expressed that he recognizes he benefited from that choice his dad and I made. I’m glad they can discuss it.
My D who had twins last year chose to leave the workforce after her maternity leave ended. Her H worked ungodly hours including weekends last year for a final push towards a huge promotion. The babies went to sleep at 10PM because that’s when her H came home and continued to work at home. She was really stressed taking care of 2 babies with hardly any help from her husband. I live 3000 miles away so I couldn’t help her. At my urging and financial assistance, she hired a nanny two days a week so she could do some housework and shopping.
She is very grateful and told me the extra help saved her marriage and her sanity and enabled her H to focus on his work and finally gained his promotion.
I admire this so much! My hope is that, since our financial situation will be vastly different if/when we are blessed with grandchildren, we can do things like help pay for preschool or activities or special things that will make things easier for the parents. Whom I adore.
We werrr so fortunate to be in the position we could choose to have be quit my job shortly after my maternity leave ended with our older child. H and his sister had thought we’d just hire someone to watch S and help with his folks. After staying home with S for 6 weeks after my maternity leave ended, he changed his tune and was delighted I’d be willing to stay home and raise our S.
I was at home full-time for our kids for about 10 years and then waded back into the workforce, part time. It worked well for us. I was very active in school and volunteered heavily. Fortunately H loved his very stable and mostly secure job. Because I was home, he could travel. Most of the time when it was travel in the US, we’d tag along and make it a family vacation in the end of his business training trips.
We knew we were making trade offs and I would not bring in as much money as if we were both working full time but it was what we wanted. We were great at economizing and stretching our finances. We have no regrets.
We both knew that if H was laid off I could go back to work full time somewhere as an attorney and that would help with family finances. We were very fortunate that my SisIL chose to help us thru some lean times to pay chunks of the kids’ tuitions, no strings attached.
I never felt less empowered because H had always outearned me because I stayed home and handled the education, household and medical issues, travel arrangements, investments and our social engagements. All money earned or gifted during our marriage was our money, put into our joint accounts. It has worked great for us, tho we know some folks prefer his, her and their accounts.