<p>My youngest son is a sophomore in HS. Although he’s taking almost all Honors courses, he seems to have little interest “doing his best”. He gets decent grades, mostly B’s and some A’s, but he seems to put in so little effort. He’s so unwilling to go the extra mile. He procrastinates, slops over things and basically doesn’t care much about getting A’s. He figures that if he can get B’s and still have fun w/his sports and friends, why should he kill himself. Any ideas about how to motivate him? I’ve tried taking him on college trips, talking about possible careers. Nothing seems to work. He says he wants to be a pro golfer! He’s really good, but it’s not even like I know HOW to jump on that bandwagon!</p>
<p>If your son is getting decent grades then he will have no trouble getting into a decent college when the time comes. No - it won’t be Ivy League – but then, would he be happy at a college surrounded by all the high-octane superstars who spent their high school years in a frenzy trying to build the credentials to get in? Unless he changes, he probably will be much happier at a college where the students are less driven and more into maintaining balance in their lives.</p>
<p>Maybe you should let your son pursue the golf interest; see:
<a href=“http://www.athleticscholarships.net/golfscholarships.htm[/url]”>http://www.athleticscholarships.net/golfscholarships.htm</a></p>
<p>My son is sort of like this. He is sometimes motivated, meaning he will do his homework. He wants to go to Stanford and play soccer (he goes to soccer camp there). I don’t want to discourage him, but I let him know even his sister ( a bit of an academic superstar ) probably couldn’t get in there. The other day he let me know he thought he could MAJOR in soccer…he didn’t know he’d have to take cclasses too…OK, so he’s just a freshman. Overall, I’m glad he can get A’s and B’s without being miserable. Some kids don’t have friends OR sports. Dad doesn’t see it that way…I’m hoping to get him into a summer program ( besides soccer) in robotics/engineering.</p>
<p>Sarahsmom, your son sounds exactly like mine (also a soph). Mine wants to be a sports journalist, but won’t volunteer to write for the school paper because “it takes too much time when I could be with my friends”. He’s conscientious, gets all his work done on time, etc., but once the essentials are done, that’s it. He’s something of a contrast to his older sister, who is the “read the encyclopedia for fun” type. </p>
<p>I look at it this way: the best we can do is to encourage them when they show a passion for something, but we can’t force them to be what they’re not. B’s are perfectly fine grades, and my son has a wonderful group of friends that his sister could only dream about when she was in high school (and has now found in college, thankfully.) Later in life he’ll probably have lower blood pressure than she will. :)</p>
<p>calm: Thanks for the link! We live in the NE, and he is unable to play all winter. I have a feeling that the kids down south will have an advantage. I guess the thing that bothers me about his academics is that I wonder WHY he has this “so what” attitude. Put him on any kind of athletic field or court, and he is obsessed. He practices for hours and thinks about it constantly. I guess I don’t want him to be so one sided, but it’s possible that there is nothing to do. My mom used to say, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”</p>
<p>Booklady: Good way to look at it!</p>
<p>Sarahsmom42, you might want to check into Sinner’s Alley. Amongst the general trivia there is a long-running theme of Mothers with Sons. If it’s not athletics it’s music, if it’s not music it’s skateboard photography, if it’s not skateboard photography it’s always something.</p>
<p>There are several of us here on cc with boy children who show up with this pattern. We’ve even given them affectionate nicknames, The Junior From Hell became the Senior From Hell and eventually went to a LAC with a fabulous merit award. Others have won NMF designation. Others have quit college altogether to pursue music passions. </p>
<p>There seems to be something about boys. The bad news is, I haven’t figured it out yet. The good news is, you have company:).</p>
<p>And in perspective, men seem to do pretty well in the world. I just cannot figure out the equation that takes them from clueless to Masters of the Universe…</p>
<p>Alumother, I think you are probably right. I’ve heard this from many. He is also very immature. He’s just so different than his sisters and is in the “You are sooo embarrassing!” stage. I’m not allowed to talk to his friends in the car! Heaven help me.</p>
<p>If you want to motivate your child, or any other person such as an employee, the main ingredient is to find out what they want. In life, in relationships, their future, their job, etc… Then find a way for them to see how what they are doing presently can help them achieve these goals. Whether it’s good grades, promotion. girl/boy friends, etc… If they can see how the things in life they don’t like can have a major impact or positive affect on what their goals and desires are, they will usually show more interest.</p>
<p>On the other hand, there are many times where what they are doing has very little affect on their future. I.e. A person wants to be a para-legal or legal secretary. These are certification trade types of jobs. Usually you can be certified through the local community college. This is a very honorable and important profession which may even lead down the road to the person wanting to branch out and finish their undergraduate and possibly law degree. However, if that’s their goal out of high school, there is no way in the world you are going to convince the student that they need to work harder at Physics than the “C” or “B” they currently have.</p>
<p>I just try and let my children know that I want them to have as many OPTIONS as possible. I want them to get out of high school and be able to choose any college they want. If they choose UCLA, USC, Harvard, etc… then that’s great. I know that either one of them could get accepted. If they choose the state university, which one daughter did, then that’s fine. She had the OPTION. If she wants to graduate college and work at McDonalds as a manger her whole life, then more power to her. As long as it’s because it’s her choice and not because she didn’t have any other options. Our children aren’t stupid. If they see how all of this will apply to their future and their goals, they will make good choices. Later… Mike…</p>
<p>I think it’s also second child syndrome. My son is so convinced that he’ll never do as well in school as his older brother he doesn’t try as hard as we would wish. And the trouble is he thinks the amount of time older brother spent on homework is enough time - it’s not for most people. But I’m pretty sure he’ll turn out fine. He’s a lot less quirky. He cares about people. He’s got broader interests. And his grades aren’t that bad - though last year they ranged from C+ (chemistry) to A+ (orchestra and history).</p>
<p>Sarahsmom, my oldest was this way. He didn’t want any classes that required extra work. He was happy to play on the basketball team, hang out with friends and generally lead a nonstressful life. If he could do essentially no work and pull a B, he was not going to kill himself in order to get an A.</p>
<p>He went on to a good college (not Ivy or that caliber), had a great time in college with many good memories, graduated with honors and is now happy in a job within his major.</p>
<p>Compare this to my youngest who took everything very seriously, even his sports. Worked himself hard to get the ECs, the good AP scores, the leadership opportunities. He really didn’t enjoy high school (always looking to final goal) and has had difficulty in college finding a happy medium between academics and social (always feels guilt if he is “wasting” time).</p>
<p>I don’t want to tell him this but maybe big brother had the right idea!</p>
<p>mkm56 and others – do you have any advice for your kids who take everything very seriously and are always looking at the final goal, rather than enjoying each stage? I’m far older than your kids (just out of law school) but I totally get what it’s like to always be thinking about the next opportunity – it was always about getting into the right schools and law schools and now it’s all about the must-have jobs that I need on my resume to build the right career path. It makes it hard to enjoy life and make good memories with friends…</p>
<p>aj I have some advice for you:).</p>
<p>At this stage of your life, you are not choosing the things that will define you over time. You are setting the stage. You are gathering data.</p>
<p>I wish for you that you live a life that gives you true, valid data. That you keep your eyes open. That you spend time understanding the patterns your eyes reveal. That you never underestimate the power of the gut check.</p>
<p>Because at the age of 40 you just might change your mind and decide not to be a lawyer. And you have to know why. You have to observe your own path.</p>
<p>I was definitely like that in highschool. I had certain classes that I just accepted as my “B” classes. I could have pulled an A if I put in some more time, but I was more involved in my music. Some kids get the same joy from studying the extra hours and pulling down that A that I get from playing in front of a lot of people. If your kid isn’t the former, don’t try to make them into it. If they are just apathetic and don’t have a passion, that’s where the problem lies. As long as they have a (healthy) passion for something, let them pursue it. As long as decent grades are maintained in school, they’ll be fine. I didn’t get in to a lot of the schools I wanted to (Good SATs and all that jazz, but those “B” classes held my GPA down about .2 points haha… and that makes a big difference I guess). But now I’m at a good school doing a music major and studying with one of the best electric bass teachers in the country, and I couldn’t be happier.</p>
<p>aj make it a priority, a “prescription” to plan something just for fun, at least once a week if not everyday. Remind yourself that this too, is an important way to prepare yourself for the future.</p>
<p>aj, I wish I could give you the answers (and my son too). He recognizes that he never feels satisfied–there is always the next goal, the next problem, the next step. One thing that a wonderful professor introduced him to is the concept of “mindfulness”. When he takes the time to actually try to practice it and remain aware, it seems to help–though I believe it takes much conscious effort and he has not stayed with it long enough for it to become 2nd nature to him. The author he started with is Jon Kabat-Zinn. Here are some links. I have read a couple of his books and believe we all could positively influence our lives by this practice.</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.umassmed.edu/behavmed/faculty/kabat-zinn.cfm[/url]”>http://www.umassmed.edu/behavmed/faculty/kabat-zinn.cfm</a></p>
<p><a href=“http://www.mindfulnesstapes.com/[/url]”>http://www.mindfulnesstapes.com/</a></p>
<p>One book of Kabat-Zinn’s that I just read was “Wherever you go, there you are”–just mailed it to my son.</p>
<p>I wish you all the best. You have accomplished great things–give yourself the credit you deserve and bask in your accomplishments. Enjoy the moment. That is easier said than done, but try.</p>
<p>This is all really great advise and I really appreciate it! My son is a pretty balanced guy. He’s always has real passion for sports and he excells. He’s a leader and gets along very well with adults as well as his peers. He’s not into the party scene, and is a pretty good kid all around. He’s just not as driven as his sisters were about school, so I guess I’m just not used to it! I guess I should count my blessings because he’s happy and that’s more than I can say for many kids his age.
Thanks everyone!</p>
<p>aj725: Try to really connect with someone at least once a day. I don’t know how old Kabat-Zinn is, but my 91 year old dad used to tell us “Wherever you go, there you are” everytime he said good bye to us. Wise.</p>
<p>Sarahsmom42: Sounds like it’s time for a new name, LOL. As Alumother said, welcome to the Mothers-of-sons club. Yeah, they seem so lackadaisical, and then they end up running the world. How do they do that?</p>
<p>One thing you can console yourself with is that it’s easier for them to be accepted to many colleges! But when they are and they go, then you have the “cone of silence” (a CC phrase someone else coined, but I’ve picked up) to look forward to. Aint it grand? But see VeryHappy’s thread and how our hearts go pitty-pat when our sons call to tell us everything is okay.</p>
<p>aj: My daughter has exactly your temperament. She wants to go to Law School, too. Maybe it’s something about law school admissions or the profession that makes it worse. All my advice has failed with her, so I have nothing wonderful to offer except you have to be this way until you don’t. I suspect it’s kind of a security blanket. Really the choice is between hypervigilence or faith. You pick.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the advice. Yes – I know that I have accomplished a good deal in terms of education and now it should be my time to have fun. It’s just easier said than done sometimes. Mythmom – my theory is that there is self-selection in law and it attracts lots of risk averse people, including me; people who can lose themselves in the race for ivy undergrads, top 10 law schools, top firms etc. </p>
<p>I do agree with you that this is a “security blanket.” I know for me, it’s one of those things like ‘if i don’t have/retain tons of close friends or get married, have kids, have that huge suburban house etc. – at least I should be at the top of my profession.’ But as one of my friends pointed out yesterday, it isn’t a choice between having the “perfect” life or working your life away. Thanks for all the advice and support – I’ve been a bit more reflective than normal lately because I left a good job in a city where I was really starting to feel comfortable and make some friends to pursue one of those perfect ‘resume opportunities’ and it’s been really tough to be in a brand new place, new work, no friends etc. I can totally relate to frosh who are calling their parents in tears about not feeling at home/not having friends yet…</p>
<p>aj: Feel free to “call” us. Wish I could give you a hug. It’s all going to be okay.
Step into faith, and I don’t mean religious faith either, just faith in the universe and yourself.</p>