Abusive family, college experience, and next steps?

Parents Forum
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Here is the backstory:

I applied to a local private college (because I wasn’t aloud to apply out of state, or even out of the city I was in). High school soon ended, and I was working two jobs to pay for college after a divorce that occurred in middle school. My mom refused to work and decided to play the victim. I had no asceses to my fathers contact information. This may seem irrelevant but I’ll tell you why this is important in a second.

Soon my mother and I started to have conflict again. It include some arguing and no physical contact yet. This spilled over into the college’s summer orientation where I left the house and didn’t come back until 1:00 AM. But a few days later is where things took a turn for the worse.

I was at a park with the fam, and decided not to walk home do to my mothers ridiculous arguments. When I got home I decided to yell at her for her awful treatment to me again. Then, my older brother decided to block the doorway so I couldn’t leave. Knowing that he is trained in martial arts and has a violent history, I slammed the door shut, locked it, and leaned against it so he wouldn’t break it down. My mother told him NOT to open the door, which he heard, ignored, and assaulted me. My twin was recording the whole entire thing. I soon tried to call the police, where my mom threatened to kick me to the curb if I did. (Preventing a 911 call in the state I resided is a 4th degree felony).

I was blamed for the whole entire thing, unsurprisingly. My twin most likely knowing the consequences of taking my side changed all his passwords which I openly knew, as he also knows mine. When I finally got onto his phone the video was obviously gone.

The home become a toxic and dangerous place to live. I asked my college if I could move in a month and a half in early because of the situation. They couldn’t let me move in that early. I couldn’t afford an apartment. I didn’t have any friends because I wasn’t aloud to do anything after school hours in high school. Hotels only accepted people over 21 years near the jobs I had.

To wrap things up, I moved onto the campus for a little bit. But the stress was two much. I withdrew and got a refund, and thought I could get an apartment with the refund. I couldn’t so I had to move in with my mother again (The older brother has an apartment thank God). This is where I am currently.

Now:

I am enrolling into that same college for a semester and I’m transfering out after that semester. My mom is planning on moving closer to that college because “she likes the place”. That and the University also reminds me of the trauma.

This situation reminds me of my Dad, who’s mother paid for the first year of his college and then he had to transfer and pay for it himself. Funny how history repeats itself.

Now I don’t know how the whole transfer thing works. I am using the common app because of the fee waiver that is received if eligible for a Pell grant. I’ll list out my main questions and concerns below, but feel free to give advice.

  1. How do I transfer without my family knowing?
  2. What schools / school types are the best for my situation?
  3. How can I receive private loans without co-signer? (I have amazing credit for my age)
  4. How can I travel to these colleges for free / affordably?
  5. How can I get affordable summer housing / cheap summer rent?
  6. How can I get my high schools transcript for the applications?
  7. Is there anything else I need to know about transfering?
  8. Is there any advice for the situation I’m in?

I apricate your time and advice, anything you say will be beyond helpful!!

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I’m sorry these things have happened to you. Are you safe right now at your brother’s?

You are an adult, and you do not have to tell any of your family where you live or go to school (but in terms of college financing that may have consequences).

I am going to address the money situation because that is the most important issue for you. You might consider attending college part-time while you work. A community college will likely cost less than a 4 year college. You will not be able to get large private loans, even with good credit…you don’t have enough income to justify a loan that would pay most annual college costs. Do you have other family you could live with and attend school anywhere in the US?

You should be able to get your HS transcripts thru Parchment. If not, contact the registrar at your HS.

At some schools you may be able to ask for professional judgment and a dependency override, but that will be on a school by school basis.

What were your HS academic stats? For how long have you been out of HS? What will your college grades be this semester? It sounds like those were the only college classes you have taken, is that right?

@thumper1 @kelsmom?

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How old are you?

Is there a cousin, aunt, uncle that you can live with while you sort things out? Or a relative who knows how to get in touch with your dad?

Sending you hugs.

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4

There’s a lot ot unpack there and I am so sorry for what you have gone through. To me, however, it seems like the best course of action would be:

  1. Get a job
  2. Get an apartment (or more likely a room in a shared apartment, whatever you can afford)
  3. Start taking classes at your local community college, which should offer some flexibility for people with jobs - that is not uncommon
  4. Get your associate’s degree and transfer to your state public college for your bachelor’s.
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Thank you for the quick reply! To clarify I’m actually at my Mom’s house, and the brother who assaulted me has an apartment. The twin is at a different local college.

I’ve been out of high school for less than a year. I didn’t have a gap year. This happened right between high school graduation and college start date.

My high school grades are great. The high school is very repudiable. I was probably in the lower highs of the class rank. I took one class online at a community college during Covid, which was sophomore year.

I don’t start the semester until January, but I decided to go a bit easy and the only hard class should be Stats 101. My only concern is finding housing if I decided to go to a community college. How would I go about doing that? And I don’t want to go to the local community college, I’d rather go out of state but I’d be fine if I was in a different city.

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Above is a list of jobs that will help pay for college; there are others as well.

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I agree. This looks easiest on paper, but the problem biggest problem would be paying rent, which requires proof showing you can afford it, which typically means you have to have proof to pay 2x-3x rent. I don’t thing the community college has official housing.

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Well my mother pushed away all of the relatives on my Dad’s end way before the divorce, and her family lives way out of state. As for my Dad I have contact with him now but he is remarried and it would be an uncomfortable situation for everyone, although I am not against the idea.

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How do you plan on paying for college?

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You are amazing. I have more than enough experience for a few of those jobs.

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Well with federal loans, out of pocket money, and possible private loans.

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Ok, loans arent going to be nearly enough to cover anything other than community college. But the good news is both fedex and Amazon are hiring a lot right now, pay well, and would be a step towards getting tuition. Apply asap, with the holiday rush you have a good chance

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13

good post

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Look for someone looking for a roommate - if the lease in their name, they likely won’t have the same rigorous screening as a rental company or landlord. And renting a room in an apartment will likely cost less than what it would cost to pay tuition and board at a college.

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Will look into that. DO you have any recommendations for finding one?

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There are a lot of facebook groups for people looking for roommates, craigslist used to be very common although not sure now, probably instagram groups, Nextdoor usually has quite a few. Look in your local online groups and forums.

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Health insurance, car insurance, cell phone bill? Can you maintain all those?

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I’m on my Dad’s health insurance till I’m 26. My job offers it to part time workers if that becomes an issue. Car insurance isn’t relevant since my mom owns the car, and pays for the insurance. She’s not going to let me get a car out of state. And I have enough to afford a cell phone plan.

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Closing temporarily.

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You only can borrow the $5500 a year federal IF your mom files a FAFSA. I think you might qualify for a Pell grant, if mom is low income.

Your best option, by far, is Pell grant, part time job, full time community college, live at home but be out of the house working and studying all the time. When you are home, if anyone starts up with you, quietly leave immediately. Do not get pregnant. Plan for transfer to the best 4 yr public college in state that you can, for your last 2 years. Choose a practical major that will qualify you to earn a living, preferably even with only the 2 yr degree.

Reestablish ties with your father, as long as you can keep that positive and drama free, too.