I understand that this is subjective, that one person’s pressure is another’s fuel, and that at all schools which bring together large numbers of highly intelligent, hard-working kids, a certain academic intensity is likely to exist. Nonetheless, I am trying, at the risk of being foolhardy, to try and distinguish between some of the more commonly discussed schools on these boards based on intensity of the existing academic climate. Which might be described as “sink-or-swim” sorts of environments? Which would likely be unsuitable for a smart kid who is not yet mature enough to manage his time effectively given considerable latitude to do so as a 9th grader? Which would one be well to steer clear of if s/he was not ready to hit the ground running as a 14 year old? As well, which schools do a good job of providing additional support in the early grades in order to help ‘transition’ a child toward managing a “crushing” workload as a junior and/or senior? Which schools offer a really top-notch academic climate minus the Darwinian struggle? My sense is that NMH, Loomis and Concord are perhaps such places. Please correct me if you feel I am mistaken, and let me know if you can think of truly first-rate academic schools with a “kinder-gentler” culture. And finally, for want of a better way of doing this, on a scale of one to ten with ten being very intense, how would you rank the schools you are familiar with?
The only experience I have is second hand, but you describe what we were looking for, and hopefully found at Loomis.
That being said, advice I was given early on in the process was to “love the school that loves you”. In other words, be yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Discuss not only your strengths, but your concerns, and the admissions officers will ultimately help you make the decisions that need to be made.
We followed that advice, did an exhaustive amount of reading, researching, visiting, interviewing and applying, and hopefully ended up exactly where we belong. Time will tell…
Schools that made my “kinder and gentler” list when visiting with my two kids over the past 4 years (in no particular order):
Westminster
Concord
NMH
George School
Mercersburg
Dublin
Western Reserve
Solebury
Peddie
St. Andrew’s
Schools that didn’t make our “kinder and gentler” list (in no particular order):
Groton
Exeter
St. Paul’s
Lawrenceville
Deerfield
Thanks for the input! Any thoughts on Middlesex, Milton or Brooks?
We interviewed and toured at Milton. It wasn’t for us and didn’t apply.
If you’re thinking about Brooks, be sure to check out Governor’s.
I would also highly recommend Peddie.
Maybe I’m blind, but I never really felt differences in pressure.
Just have to say, I don’t doubt that some schools feel warmer and more nurturing than others, but I’m not sure any of them are “sink-or-swim.” For example, my DS goes to Deerfield, has ADHD, is terrible at time management, and yet is doing very well and is quite happy there. Freshmen get comments instead of grades the first trimester, there’s a special study hall with help for kids who need help in organization, teachers are very available as are many peer tutors. I’ve never heard of any cut-throat competitive behavior-- although some kids are very focused and intense and many work hard and care about how they do-- but it doesn’t seem to be at the expense of others (from what I’ve heard). Again, I’m not saying other schools might not be more nurturing in the culture of the place-- but I don’t think the culture at Deerfield or probably any boarding school today is really sink-or-swim. Some kids do badly or don’t fit or are unhappy, and the schedule and work are pretty intense, but there IS a lot of support available.
Thanks, Daykidmom. Out of curiosity, how much of this support is ‘imposed’ and how much is due to you or your child taking the initiative to address the issues? Also, did your DS’s learning style go ‘undiscussed’ during the admissions process or was it something which was ‘out in the open’ and for which there was a plan in place from day 1?
The extra help is not imposed (my son has never chosen to do the extra study hall or the study skills class, for example-- but he HAS chosen to have all his teachers informed of his ADD). I think kids can choose the special study hall or extra help on their own-- but for ANY kid who seems to floundering, the school gets right on it and SUGGESTS tutoring and/or the special study hall or a study skills class. I suppose that’s kind of imposed, in that if they suggested help and the kid refused to take it, but still did poorly academically, they would probably ask the kid to leave. We were pretty open about his ADD and talked to the person (Assistant Academic Dean) in charge of accommodations before he accepted the offer of admission (although it was after we GOT the offer). We did spell out in his application that he was pretty disorganized and had problems with time management, but I don’t think we gave them any testing results or diagnosis until after we heard he’d been admitted (although to be honest, I don’t quite remember-- except I know we sent them everything and talked to then Dean before we said yes). We were told about 10% of the kids there had exactly his diagnosis and testing and did totally fine – which turned out to be true. The school did not in any way seem fazed by his testing. They did say they are very honest and have told SOME kids that they thought they would struggle with the work load after seeing their testing, so suggested they not come there even after they’d been admitted --but they definitely take kids with ADD or executive function issues or other similar issues and support them. They told me they really appreciated our being up front and telling them before he got there. I assume they also heard from his previous school-- where he did very well academically, but they certainly knew about his diagnosis and disorganization (one history teacher-- who absolutely loved him-- always called him her “little unmade bed.”)
How come nobody ever mentions The Hill? I feel so left out. :(( :))
That’s why you’re here, @gusmom2000. YOU get to be the champion for The Hill School. If you start posting, I bet others will chime in. I’ve always been surprised that I seem to be the main parent voice for Choate here when it’s one of the bigger schools. I’m hoping that @mexusa and others will take over for me as I slide over to CK’s college board.
@ChoatieMom You mean you’re going to leave us just because this board is no longer relevant to you? I really don’t think that’s appropriate.
Right on, @twinsmama! You’re loved by legions of fans, ChoatieMom. We need you. Please stay. 
No, no, I’m not going away entirely, but I actually have a day job and will be peeking in here less often as I now have to add CK’s college forum to my illicit surfing time. Other parents will have more current experience with Choate next year, so they will need to be the voice of relevance going forward, though I will continue to interject my brand of humor and sarcasm as usual.
Couldn’t agree more with @cameo43 and @twinsmama, you rock @ChoatieMom. Best sense of humor on the Board!
I really think that the pressure is somewhat subjective. My DS just finished third form at Groton and didn’t feel pressure at all. He isn’t the type of kid to feel,pressured. I think that perfectionist, anxious kids might feel the pressure, but not my son. He did fairly well in his first year, definitely much more difficult than the public school he attended for middle school. He, however, never reported feeling any competition with his peers. I’ve heard many people describe Groton as a pressure cooker, but that wasn’t our experience. That being said, it was an exhausting Spring. They keep them very busy with academics, sports and other commitments, but not really pressure. They have loads of supports in place for those who want them and lots of fun activities to blow off steam.
@Momto4kids - Freshman year is a relative cakewalk, mostly the kids learn how to manage time. Groton pressure ratchets up considerably in sophomore and junior years, a whole different drill. And then senior year adds that extra layer of college application joy.
CK reports that sophomore year was his most intense year, much more so than junior year. The bar was raised significantly between freshman and sophomore year and he didn’t see it coming. He pretty much sailed through freshman year but hit a wall first term sophomore year that took him the rest of the year to recover. He found junior year much easier. Along the way, though, he found Choate very supportive, but he had to advocate for himself.