Action Items as Your Parents Age

Parent Cafe
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I thought this thread would be helpful for those of us whose parents are aging. I wish I had known more a year ago!

My main advice in general is you need to act sooner than you think necessary. My dad, just turned 82, is an example. Last June, we went to South Africa for several weeks and I couldn’t keep up with him. In March, he went to Dallas to get involved with a start-up company. He was scheduled to speak at an engineering conference in England in July and fly to the Caribbean on a consulting project. He had just been named Chair of the Board of Directors at the retirement fallibility he and Mom have picked out (not just a “residential” board, but the managing board). After scheduled heart surgery in April, he went downhill rapidly. Two and a half months later, he has 24/7 aides at home. We are all shocked at this turn of events. We had taken some preparatory actions, but not enough! So here is my list so far and I welcome additions:

  1. Get medical power of attorney for your parents.
  2. Get durable power of attorney for them (we told our folks we wouldn't use it unless absolutely necessary - five months later, it was!).
  3. Get written permission to access their safety deposit box.
  4. Get on a waiting list for a retirement facility YEARS earlier than you think they will need it. Can't stress this enough.
  5. Check in with them frequently. Do a THOROUGH inspection of their house periodically. My sister hadn't been doing that, and I was shocked when I saw what a disaster things had become. Not only was there clutter and dirty laundry everywhere, there were large HOLES in their exterior wooden deck - I almost stepped through one). On a related note, my mom has long hair and asked me to brush it out one day. #&@$&!!! It was so matted I couldn't get a comb through it. I had to take her to a salon to detangle it. So just realize your parents can deteriorate quicker than you would think possible. Mom has always taken good care of herself until recently.
  6. Don't just assume that their financial affairs are being handled adequately. My mother said she was doing fine, but it was a red flag when she sent me a check that bounced. That had never happened before. Now I know I should have stepped in sooner, but Dad said he could handle it. Uh, no... He has finally hired a professional to get everything in order. This should have been done at least a year ago.

I know that some people could do this for their parents, but my parents’ investments and rental properties are numerous and I couldn’t do everything from 2,500 miles away.

  1. Start getting rid of crap, or talk to an estate sale company and get their advice about how to handle stuff.
  2. If they are hospitalized or develop serious medical issues, consider hiring a "professional patient advocate." That's what we have done, and the woman, an RN, is a lifesaver. I can't stress enough how critical her help has been. The "system" is dysfunctional and has failed us. If you think you can handle everything yourself, you can try it, but beware! I wish we had hired her two months earlier. :(
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  1. Forgive yourself for being a newbie, in the beginning. You can't know it all, in one fell swoop. And as the Parents Caring for Parents thread shows, some states are easier to deal with, some permisions are easier to convince an entity to accept than others. Sometimes, even with planning, the potholes appear.
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@MaineLonghorn, is number 2 supposed to be financial/administrative POA?

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I’ll add to have an emergency plan if everything falls apart sooner than expected - Private duty caregiver agencies if you can’t be there yourself since there is usually a wait to get into facilities.

Life line type devices if you have an elderly parent living alone.

The name of your parents’ attorney and copies of all wills, DPOA for both health care and finance that you keep with you.

I’d also suggest having an updated list of all your parents’ medications and their doctors’ phone numbers.

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Don’t beat yourself up over not being prepared. You never know how things are going to happen.

Sometimes older people deteriorate much more gradually than your parents did.

And sometimes they don’t deteriorate at all. They go from high-functioning to dead with no intermediate stages. This happened with both of my parents. Both died suddenly while still living independently.

You just never know.

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You can set the POAs up as springing, which takes care of the “only if absolutely necessary” question and may reassure the parent.

Reading this list makes me realize yet again how extraordinary my mother is. At this point it is quite possible that she will outlive me!

We do have the POAs set up and I’m on her bank and investment accounts, and the safe deposit box. I have most of her bills set up as automatic withdrawals, and my H’s firm handles her investments and he does her taxes. Other than that, she’s on her own. :slight_smile:

Her house is in better shape and cleaner than mine, and she takes no medications at all. I wish I could say the same.

Nevertheless, @MaineLonghorn is right that things can go downhill rapidly, and it is wise to be prepared. I’m so sorry that your father has had this decline. It must be very upsetting. BTW, have you done anything with that Baldwin grand?

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And then there are parents that refuse to discuss or acknowledge any of these issues. They have no “plan” and if/when things go down hill it will be a disaster. Given the amount my much beloved MIL (seriously- I love her like my own mom) smokes the last months/years will be horrible. I will bookmark this post in the event we are ever able to get them to discuss with us.

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We have already written up POAs for us, in the ‘important file’ box for DD3; she does not know that, but she knows the important box is there in case anything happens. Because we each have a business, when I print an updated password list each January, I also update a document with details about the business and who to contact to help figure things out if we are incapacitated. When seeing what your folks have done wrong/right, it’s not a bad idea to start it yourself.

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My mom did everything she could to make it easy on us and it was still hard. When she and my dad divorced 30 years ago, she got great advice and set things up so we would be able to access all her “stuff” and take care of her if needed. All the DPOA, Living Will, health care surrogate stuff was signed and done. Once dementia set it, it became clear that some of those documents were worthless, especially with financial institutions. BoA in particular refused repeatedly to add me to her bank account though her lawyer assured me he had done everything right. Finally had to bring her down to the bank to put me on her account which was horrible for her. She was so scared and confused and thought she was in trouble. The title company was another pain when we sold her place but in contrast, when dealing with medical choices, we were not even asked to provide documents.

My takeaway from the experience is get on as many of their accounts as possible, in addition to creating the traditional legal documents. I was on a few of her accounts when she died and those were so, so much easier. For those I was not on, I had to bring a death certificate to close accounts for things like cell phone and internet service. Hours of wasted time. It won’t replace the important legal documents but it makes some things much easier.

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My FIL and MIL are hoarders. They do not have a will, or if they do, they don’t know where it is. My DH and SIL attempt every so often to broach the decluttering issue to no avail. SIL has become more assertive about the rapidly deterioriating house (the gutters, for example, have fallen off but are hanging from the roof). They make sporadic attempts to do better, but I shudder to think of what’s ahead.

On the other end of the spectrum, my folks have given us notebooks with all pertinent estate information, medical documents, legal contacts, and desired outcomes. Wrote their obituaries. Planned their memorials, gave us copies of the will. I have healthcarePOA, sibling 1 is executor and sibling 2 is tasked with bequests to family. The notebooks are updated every year in my mom’s kitchen at Christmas. The very first thing on the "to do " list is “stop the mail”.

I would add to the suggestions – start talking to siblings early on. IT’s good to see where everyone stands before tou have to make actual decisions.

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My mother swore her papers were in the lock box in her desk. Nope.
Get copies. I once had to stand up that I wouldn’t do any more until I got a copy of the POA. Finally, I did. But that was all.

I went through her mess, box by box. Zilch. We’re fortunate her state allowed a “Small Estate Affadavit,” which meant I could declare myself (oldest child) Administratrix. (Different states have different estate dollar caps, this one was high. If your parents don’t have a will and aren’t wealthy, check how their state does this. As hard as her affairs were, this SEA streamlined what could have been a nightmare.) I didn’t have to even file it, just get it certified here. I needed a “Medallion.” That can be hard to obtain.

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In addition to the legal documents, I encourage folks to get one of these for their parents to complete as well as for themselves. This is just one example but their are similar products out there.

https://lastingmatters.com/

It covers things like:

Your end-of-life care preferences
What kind of service you’d like
Location of documents
A list of your passwords
Care for your pets
Location of bank accounts
Social media accounts

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Am I the only one who feels I can handle whatever is needed post death and don’t care to bug mom with anything else? Granted she thought ahead, has her will done and I’m on her bank accounts as a joint owner already, but even if she hadn’t done this, I’m ok handling whatever. It might not be pretty, but I see no reason to impinge on her last days trying to get her to get rid of things in her sight. I want her to enjoy whatever she can.

I know with my own life/kids when I’m older I have no plans to decline significantly before death. If a bus or heart attack doesn’t take me out sooner, when I’m done, I’m done. I’ve seen too much with my mom, MIL, and grandmother to want to go the ways they are/did. We’ve already discussed with our kids what our will and assets are. One never knows when that bus/heart attack might hit. I feel confident they can do the rest or pay someone else to do it (like stuff dispersal) if they prefer at the time.

If I had control of my dad’s estate it would be winding up soon. I suppose that’s the big key - be sure to choose a competent executor/trix.

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I’ve had to handle this twice in the last 10 months. Both times I was already set up ahead of time as the Trustee. Right now I’m dealing with a sister who is hilarious about every dollar in my parent’s estate. When there are 3 heirs, the IRAs, life Insurance, etc get set up with a % to each beneficiary. Well, in some cases parents put 34, 33,33 and other cases 33,33,34. Guess where my sister is, the middle:). I have to keep explaining to her that, as Trustee, I have no authority to override Dad’s written instructions on contracts signed years ago.

Dealing with the banks is the WORST of everything. Dad put me on his credit card because I have been handling everything, including taxes, for over 8 yrs of Alzheimer’s. While standing at the funeral home trying to pay the card was declined. Boy Social Security gets notified fast!! And it somehow got to Wells Fargo fast. When I call them all I get is “we cannot speak to you, please put your father on the phone.” He’s dead!! Luckily my name and SSN are on all the bank accounts. Now I’m paying a ton of stuff myself and having to reimburse myself out of the bank accounts.

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I agree with being on the bank account and having power of attorney being helpful. I was able to keep paying my parents’ bills and make medical decisions for them when they were simultaneously incapacitated.

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@MaineLonghorn – thank you for starting this thread. While my father has tried to make sure every financial, long term care, POA, etc. has been taken care of, there is that element of grief and loss that family members are managing. It’s just so hard.

Two quick things we’re working on at this point.

First, is trying to decide whether to have an estate sale or complete donation (one company and done).

Second, we’ve generated a household item list room by room. I’m in the process of labeling (removeable) each item by number that corresponds to item on the sheet. The sheet delineates who gets the item/first right of refusal and any information (history – why do we have this whittled stick? :), assessment, etc.) All items unclaimed go to estate/donation.

Even though I find this process so profoundly sad, I recognize that it will be so helpful.

Again, thanks to all for sharing their experiences or ideas.

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Thanks for all the ideas. I fixed #2 to read “durable power of attorney.” Thought I had proofread carefully!

That’s a great idea to be added to accounts. I think I will email the financial person and see what she thinks.

@Creekland, it’s great if you an handle everything after your mom’s death. My parents’ affairs are so complicated that it would be a nightmare if we tried to do it ourselves. I don’t even know how many rental houses they have! Fortunately, they are fine with our “intervention.” They’ve told us they want things to be easier on us.

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@MaineLonghorn Reading more I think the difference is amount in the estates, natural knowledge of what’s in the estates, and mental competency of the folks in question (parents and kids).

None of our (H’s and mine) parents have a ton of weird things - some investments, life insurances, bank accounts, and possessions. We know what’s there and have been kept up on it the same way we keep our own kids in the loop. They know how many rental properties we have and where they are, etc.

Three of our four parents were essentially fine with competency, MIL had severe Alzheimers. She never did financial anything, so that was no big deal. When my mom wasn’t in her right mind due to seizures it was easy for me to step in (have POA and medical POA ever since she was diagnosed with cancer).

Then too… my parents live in a very rural area. I went to school with the main bank manager. Sis knows most of the others involved (my memory is not as good since I moved away 34 years ago). We’ve never had a problem with any bank - they’ve been extremely helpful with what has been needed to be done. Same with the funeral home when my dad died. My parents are in NY. NY is awesome with a website detailing exactly what needs to be done.

I’ll be handling my mom’s estate without a lawyer. Seeing what my sibling has done with a lawyer for my dad’s estate, I can be quicker and cheaper. Nothing her lawyers have done has deviated from what the website says. Forms are even copied from there to be sent to us.

Then what the executor/trix can do. I don’t have a full time job I have to worry about. I can devote time to this to get it done. I have the mental ability to handle the decision making (found out my sibling lacks big time here - she has no job, but stresses too much with everything else and won’t listen to anyone trying to help). I’ll have mom’s estate done before dad’s is and mom isn’t even dead yet. Dad died last August.

The only thing I mainly disagree with is having to get rid of things prior to a parent’s death unless they fully agree. My dad was a Hoarder. Since that’s a mental thing, it was much nicer for him to let him live with his crud until after the end. My mom is very near her end and still bought some things she likes as recently as May. She’s not a Hoarder, but if she wants those decorative eggs and they give her some pleasure seeing them on a shelf, fine. I’m happy for her. I can more them on afterward.

The rest people need to read and figure out what fits their situation and what doesn’t - sort of like selecting a college. :slight_smile:

I know I’ve heard horror stories (more than one) of parents putting their kids on their bank accounts and the kids taking pretty much all of their money. There was nothing the parents could do. The money was theirs. The bank even warned mom about this when she had me added. I can fully understand why many parents don’t want to do that. My mom has, but she knows she can trust me and she’s correct. If the kids aren’t mentally competent/ethical, the parents don’t want to hand over much control.

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@Creekland , when it works out well and easy, one can be cavalier. But when it’s a disaster, a lot of people can get stressed and assets lost. I’m currently watching an aunt who was such a strong, vibrant, Intel, organized woman slowly lose mental capability. She absolutely had no plans to decline significantly before dying either and it upsets her greatly when she thinks about it. What are we to do ? Shoot her? Give a lethal dose of pills? Of course not. But that she is physically healthy and likely to live many more years when she is clearly losing the mental wherewithal to do so, is going to be a problem.

The police found her going the wrong way on a one way street and totally confused last month, so she’s now lost her license. The courts and police had some harsh words to the cousins for letting her drive— she was a true danger to others. And self. I told them to take the danged car away somewhere- she insisted it stay in the garage, and then she drive it again with an extra set of keys she had stashed. This time an accident, fortunately, not serious but it’s going to cost a small fortune as she was illegally driving so they need an attorney to get through this. This is not the woman I knew. Also, a lot of money disappeared from her account. Got cash out and dispensed it. Her paper work is haywire now. She needs help desperately, and just a year ago, she had it all under control and the idea that this indomitable woman would be in this situation so soon is incomprehensible to most of us. Her kids still not accepting it.

It doesn’t take much of a hit, physically, mentally, emotionally to devastate an elderly person. Someone strong all their lives can become remarkably vulnerable with old age.

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If they have a lot of frequent flier miles and won’t be traveling anymore, get them transferred to your account. For many airlines, you will lose them when they die.