<p>^wow. he needs to tell the families why he and Nancy divorced???
and Bay, you’ve already received info in other posts indicating that other school shooters came from intact families so by your logic, perhaps in those cases the parents should not have been together?. clearly Adam’s issues predated the divorce and while it may have been a difficult transition for him, it can hardly be seen as causal. </p>
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<p>Completely and totally disagree that he owes the families of the victims a “justification” of his divorce. And what kind of comfort would that even offer those families even if he did?</p>
<p>If Adam Lanza killed my child, you’d better believe I’d want Peter to tell me, “Where the h*ll were you and how did you let him have those guns?” It shocks me that people let the father off so easily. </p>
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When did the father decide he did not love Adam? I don’t know how Adam could have grown up to be an empathetic individual if his own father detached himself emotionally from the child. I feel Adam needed a stronger and positive support system not just the mother to counteract the severed relationship with his dad.</p>
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<p>I think in many divorce cases, the fact is that each parent blames the other to some significant degree for whatever shortcomings their children might have. In this particular case, Peter Lanza is probably keenly aware that placing blame on Nancy isn’t very useful, but he has a hard time placing specific blame on himself because the case is such an outlier.</p>
<p>He does, however say somewhere in that piece that he has constantly wondered what he might have done differently because the “outcome” could not possibly have been worse than it was; therefor anything done differently might have been positive. That’s probably as close to accepting some responsibility as you’re going to get from him, and I think its probably understandable. </p>
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<p>What good would his answer do you? Would it get your child back? If he was the one kicked out of the house and marriage, would it make your loss less terrible? If he was the one to blame for the marriage failing, how does that knowledge help you cope with the murder of a child?</p>
<p>He offered to speak to each of the families, and I suppose if any of those families feel the way you do, they would have taken him up on his offer to do just that. But only 2 families spoke to him, and apparently they didn’t do so in order to attack him. I’m guessing the others declined the offer because they don’t particularly care why he and Nancy divorced, because it doesn’t change anything and cannot possibly give them comfort, whether the divorce was “justified” or whether it wasn’t.</p>
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<p>Amen to that. How can fathers of boys be so naive or is it denial (?) about the importance of their presence in their sons lives. Does it really require much “wondering” to figure that out?</p>
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<p>Isn’t that what everyone here has been wanting? Evidence of the causes of mass murder? If Peter abandoned the family, if Nancy and Adam had begged him not to leave, wouldn’t that help supply a piece of the puzzle?</p>
<p>No. Not to me. </p>
<p>Well it would to me. </p>
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<p>Well, the people who actually suffered the loss of their children apparently do not share your feelings, as almost all of them declined to meet with Peter Lanza in order to make shrill demands of why he did this and not that in order to comfort themselves or get some kind of satisfaction. </p>
<p>If you look at what the parents who lost their children say is the cause, many of them point to one thing. That one thing is not divorce, but guns. It seems to me that if we kept divorce, and had stricter gun laws, we would be able to get rid of more mass murders than if we somehow tried to outlaw divorce but kept the guns.</p>
<p>Evidence is facts. Facts are evidence. Upon further reflection, I believe the parents of teenaged mass murderers have an obligation to society to reveal every last and especially sordid detail of their child’s upbringing and family life, so that we can piece together reasons for it happening and possibly prevent it in the future.</p>
<p>To nrds: you do not know why the parents did not meet with Lanza. For all we know it could be because they were afraid they might kill him. This does not mean they do not want answers.</p>
<p>Without trying to be unduly provocative, I do not believe any parent is a a guarantor of their child’s good behavior and that but-for-their parental failures she/he would be an excellent person. Absolutely parents are a contributing factor both on the nature and nurture end. Absolutely.</p>
<p>But just as I cannot control exactly how my kids turn out neither can my parents be held responsible for every good deed or error I have made in my life. Each life’s path is so variable. All the more so under the complexities of mental illness. I say this is a let those who are without error, both as a parent and a child, cast the first stone. </p>
<p>Who amongst us has not felt anger or disappointment or frustration with a family member? Who amongst us has figured out a way to make others behave as we want? With small children it’s easier of course, but as they get older into teens and then as adults and then even as seniors humans tend not to be that controllable or subject to another’s bidding. </p>
<p>I agree, tempemom. </p>
<p>My sisters both have mental illnesses and they are both so wildly different from me, and from each other, despite all of us having received more or less the same upbringing. They’ve never hurt anyone physically but themselves, but as I mentioned in another thread recently my older sister went nuts and tried to get my parents thrown in jail and then threatened to hurt us when it didn’t work-- my parents had been getting her intensive mental health treatment since she was a toddler. I think she was diagnosed with bipolar before she even started pre-school. She went to therapy, she took medication-- she stayed in school. She played sports and an instrument and had friends. Was it their fault she got so sick? Would it have been their fault if she’d hurt someone else instead of us? How does that change things besides that it gets us more upset?</p>
<p>I think if my parents had left guns around that might be their fault, but that isn’t what we are talking about anymore. You’re saying Peter abandoned the family and he needs to take responsibility for that. Well, my older sisters parents are divorced because her father was a physically abusive drug addict-- should they have stayed together for my sister’s mental health? You have NO IDEA what you are talking about picking apart the fact that they are divorced, for all you know that was the best thing they ever did for their family. IMO your anti-divorce agenda doesn’t really belong in this discussion. </p>
<p>Excellent post Ema!</p>
<p>Jeez, I am not asking every divorced parent to divulge the details of their lives. I am talking about the father of a teenaged mass murderer. It is beyond me why some defend his privacy over the lives of possible future victims. </p>
<p>It seems to me a more likely scenario that Nancy Lanza was becoming more and more obsessed with and drawn into Adam’s mental illness–by which I do not mean autism–and that Peter finally couldn’t take it anymore or felt like he was a stranger or fifth wheel in his own home. It may be that he and Nancy disagreed about her decision to devote herself entirely to Adam and to enable Adam in withdrawing further and further from the world. Living out of the house, he continued to support Nancy and Adam in a grand style–wasn’t she getting something like $200K per year?–and he apparently maintained close contact as long as he was allowed to do so. If Adam Lanza’s mother who lived in the same house with him was only allowed to communicate with him by email, I can’t see how his father (and brother) can be blamed for not seeing him in person.</p>
<p>I certainly do not take his statement that he wished Adam had never been born as evincing that he didn’t love his son. I take it as a realization that all of those lives would have been spared.</p>
<p>At the time, I recall friends or neighbors saying that Nancy Lanza stockpiled guns because she thought that the masses were going to rise up and invade her nice suburb, and she had to be prepared to defend herself. She supposedly expressed such views to the person interviewed. In my view, what happened was squarely her fault. She encouraged her mentally ill, unstable son to shoot guns and kept unsecured weapons and ammunition within his easy reach. It is too bad that he didn’t stop after he shot her.</p>
<p>That she was only “allowed” to communicate by email indicates that she may have been afraid of Adam. All the more reason for Peter to get over there. </p>