ADHD Marriage

Parent Cafe
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<p>I have appreciated how thoughtful people have been on some of the previous marriage threads.</p>

<p>Has anyone had success in negotiating the issues that go along with marriage to someone with add? My H is a great guy, we’ve been married 25 years! But I’m sick of being the one responsible for everything. The time management thing is a big problem as well. He just dosent have as many hours in his day! I have a lot of resentment and anxiety. Really hoping to hear from those that have been through this. It is difficult to understand of you haven’t lived it.</p>

<p>Does counseling help? Just me or both of us?</p>

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<p>Does your H admit to having ADHD?</p>

<p>Does he also have Executive Function Disorder issues (often hand in hand with ADHD, and if you’re having to be the adult in the relationship, then it’s possible.)</p>

<p>My H has ADHD and he is treated. He is recently retired, so now I’m dealing with more of it during my day. At work, his ADHD seemed to have served him well…hyper focused on projects and he never missed a deadline…made sure everything was perfect. </p>

<p>But at home, his ADHD manifests differently. It can be hard to pull him away from something he’s focused on, even if it’s just “surfing the net”. He made his B and SIL very angry when he “couldn’t” pull himself away from reading something on the internet to come to the dinner table (I’m used to that…lol). </p>

<p>Our kids would say that I was more of “the parent”…the one who took care of all most of the things involving them. However, H was very good about taking them to all of their athletic practices, etc (because H LOVES sports), and he did do Indian Guides with them for 4-6 years. </p>

<p>But, I was one who always “looked ahead” to make sure that registration deadlines were met (H would have missed those), and made sure that their school uniforms were purchased and clean, made their doctor, dentist, and ortho appts, etc. I was the one who planned their Bday parties, bought all their gifts, planned all vacations. </p>

<p>H will readily admit that if it weren’t for me, the only things he’d ever do outside of the home (besides work) is go to the gym and go golfing. He has said many times that he’d never would have gotten things together to go on a planned vacation or even a picnic. </p>

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<p>^^
I need to add to my post above…</p>

<p>Both of my H’s parents had ADHD and EFD, so a really bad combo for parenting. It is truly shocking to hear the stories of how his parents just weren’t engaged into what was going on in the household…virtually no rules, chaos often ensued, missed deadlines were common, no planning was ever apparent, no teaching was going on, etc. Foresight was often non-existant. </p>

<p>One thing that was nearly always consistent was the trait to do whatever is easiest…even if it cost 10 times more, was very risky, and would likely have negative consequences (which they never considered, because that would have required using foresight). To give you an idea, it took them over 4 months (4 months!) to get their acts together to have my FIL’s funeral. The rest of the world can bury their dead within a week, but H’s family took over 4 months.</p>

<p>they often have bad results, but dismiss them by saying they had, “bad luck”. (so no need to change anything they’re doing).</p>

<p>I think if his primary parent had not had ADHD/EFD, many things would have been mitigated. With neither parent doing any “parenting” and neither parent “being the adult,” the typical things that most kids get exposed to by having at least one non-ADHD/EFD parent didn’t happen.</p>

<p>We are currently reading a few books about ADHD. One in particular is: Healing ADD: The Breakthrough program that allows you to see and heal the 7 types of ADD.</p>

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<p>When a subject like this has come up before, I posted this list…do some/many of the following apply?</p>

<p>Does he have planning or organizational issues?</p>

<p>Does life tend to just “hit him in the face” because he doesn’t think ahead?</p>

<p>Does he forget to consider the possible weather for the day and leave the house w/o a jacket or other likely needed items (sunscreen, hat, etc)?</p>

<p>Does he lose or misplace things?</p>

<p>Does he blame things on “bad luck” rather than realizing that inattention or poor-planning caused an issue?</p>

<p>Does he have some problem-solving issues (will run into a problem, but not be able to “think outside the box” for another solution)?</p>

<p>Does he have issues with time (under-estimating or over-estimating how long something will take)?</p>

<p>Does he spend too much time on projects that don’t require that much time, at the expense of other projects that also need to get done?</p>

<p>Does he hyper-focus on some things (usually things that she likes/enjoys)? For instance, the same kid that can spend hours on a video game and know all the details/rules/strategies may be a complete fail when it comes to figuring out what to pack for a week’s trip to a place where he’s never been.</p>

<p>Does he often not notice things that most people would notice? (my H will not notice stuff right in front of his face. Some will say, “I don’t see dirt.” or “I didn’t notice that new chair,” (or haircut, etc)…their minds are elsewhere.</p>

<p>Does he seem to sometimes seem on “auto pilot” not really thinking about what they’re doing…such as carrying laundry detergent from the car and walking past the laundry room and putting it in the kitchen because he’s not thinking, “hey, I’m carrying a box of Tide; it needs to go by the washer.”</p>

<p>Does he have trouble pulling himself away from something that has his attention? (for instance, if my H is focused on something, it is hard to pull him away or get him out the door).</p>

<p>Does he have any anxiety issues? (My non-expert opinion is that some/many with ADHD also have anxiety issues.)</p>

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<p>He does admit/was finally diagnosed with add and is on medication. I used to be the SAHM and took care of everything, but now we have an almost empty nest (middle son home this year figuring it out) and I was hoping for some peace. Unfortunately I still get suck with a lot. Even when I delegate, I feel like he misses something and I get stuck dealing
with it.</p>

<p>He is successful in his career, but he does it in spite of himself. (Smarter than his success)</p>

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<p>Yes to all of your questions!</p>

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<p>After almost 24 years of marriage I realize that my H has some sort of combo of ADHD/EFD. The answer to all the above questions is a resounding yes. Sigh. Good luck to you. </p>

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<p>DH and 2 of our sons have ADD. I’ve figured out that I can’t control everything and if some things fall through the cracks because they aren’t focused I try not to blame myself. If you think counseling may help you deal with the stress then give it a try. </p>

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<p>I think it’s important to let their minor things “fall thru the cracks” so that they “feel” some consequences. Obviously, “big things” like paying bills on time, etc, need to be reminded, but let them “get cold” from forgetting a jacket, etc. </p>

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<p>I hear you–experienced many similar frustrations. People with ADD (my H–who grew up in a chaotic household like m2ck’s H) tend to make the same mistakes over and over and over. . . I learned that this is common with ADD people. Every day is a new day. They honestly don’t remember. And don’t learn from their mistakes. So it is not that H is trying to bug me by always doing those things which I’ve told him a hundred times not to do. Knowing that my H isn’t being malicious (or IS he?? :wink: ) when he repeats mistakes helps me be more tolerant. (I am the opposite. If something goes wrong, I make a mental note of what not to do next time. I always learn from my mistakes.)
I have often felt forced to act like a “parent” to H. After 28 years, it is what it is. If I want something done my way, I do it myself. I don’t bother asking him. (I realized this was usually a recipe for disaster.) He does his thing. I do mine.</p>

<p>You say your H is a great guy so he must have something going for him. Think about what attracted you to him in the beginning. What attracted him to you? Like most couples, you probably “need” each other in some way. I found that when I focus too much on what my H does badly or not at all, instead of what he does well, that made me negative toward him–because I was expecting the impossible. Then he takes that negativity and throws it back at me. I realized that I can’t change him, but I can start appreciating what is there (a lot of admirable qualities/talents) instead of what isn’t. And when I do that, I get positive results. Yes, I could resent always having to be the one to start this “positive feedback cycle,” but I’m getting positive results in the end. I’m feeling happier about my far-from-ideal situation–which is my goal. Another suggestion: don’t be envious of other couples. They may have better/more equitable partnerships, but they all have problems of their own. Your H is the guy you want to stay married to (I assume). He is not going to turn into some other better/ideal guy who doesn’t have his problems. Just put that out of your mind–you will only increase your frustration. Can you communicate openly with your H about this? Counseling could help–together if he agrees to go with you, alone if he won’t. (H and I did some counseling–not specifically for ADD issues–I do think it helped us understand each other/learn how to communicate better.) Do you think your H can take on a couple responsibilities to lighten your load? Can you teach him specific tasks/do things together before he takes responsibility? Or can you be happier just taking care of things by yourself and accepting that he is just not ever going to take on these duties?</p>

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<p>Very true.</p>

<p>There is also a tendency to “live in the moment,” which generally means that the other spouse has to be the one to “think ahead,” “plan ahead,” “anticipate what needs to be done,” etc. </p>

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<p>There is a website called addforums, and one of the forums is for spouses/partners of ADD’ers. My son has EFD, not enough to warrant a classic Adhd diagnosis, but enough that they gave him an ADHD-NOL (not otherwise specified) diagnosis. Everything @mom2collegekids‌ was writing about rings so true for my son. </p>

<p>Once, when he was still a toddler, I took him for a doctor appt. he was quite spirited then and was bouncing off the walls. He wasn’t hyperactive, there’s a difference. The doc came in and was watching him. He said, " he’s always been like this, hasn’t he.". I guess he could see the exasperation on my face. I said yes. He said that I had to give up the dream of what I thought my child would be and accept what he was. So, now at 21 I have to continually remind myself this as I watch him stumble and falter, while his peers are talking about taking MCAT’s next year.</p>

<p>So, I guess that what that wise pediatrician said to me is my offer of comfort to you. You must give up the dream of what your husband is not, accept what he is and focus on the good. Often times it’s not easy, but it helps. This doc had a son with Down Syndrome.</p>

<p>An example of what my future DIL will face is what you are dealing with. He is in his 3rd year of college and wants to be a business major, but has never taken the time to read all the procedures of going about to do that within the school. I was looking a couple of weeks ago online and found there are new requirements, he was supposed to have declared a pre-business major and to have met with this counselor at least once a semester. He was off track. When I emailed him about it, he said he would take care of it when he got back to school. I said…NO…call now. He did and they made him an appoint during break. I drove back to campus with him. Sure enough, he has to retake one class to get his GPA up yo be admitted and his schedule reworked for the spring. Really…at 21, I am still steering him and he was just going to wait until later, when classes started and it would be too late. Everything would have been wrong and goofed up. No sense of urgency. I feel your pain.</p>

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<p>Re: #10
That “live in the moment” attitude was one of the things that attracted me to H. . .LOL.
Having to be the planner/organizer/anticipater of everything (and often “rescuing” H when he fails to plan) is stressful. </p>

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<p>My H has a dx of ADHD but is currently not taking medication. I don’t know why not, he quit taking it without telling me. It is usually enough for me that he takes his medication for his other issues, that at least softens the edges.</p>

<p>Our son also has ADHD and PDD-NOS. We are working on applying for disability for S on the advice of his psychiatrist.</p>

<p>H is alway late, always losing things, can not remember things that he has been told. I have worked hard to act like I don’t care. That annoys him. It has also made him work harder at being organized for himself because I refused to be organized for him. I have also started telling him when I am leaving to go somewhere and that I will leave without him if he is not ready. He can then choose to not go or drive separtely. I have not had to leave without him yet, though he knows I will if I have to. He doesn’t want to have to choose between not going or driving himself, so he gets himself ready on time. I usually give him up to 5 minutes after the time I said if I see that he is trying to be on time.</p>

<p>It really hurt me when H’s sister told me that my sons issues must have come from my side of the family, certainly not H’s. H has a dx of ADHD and admits to himself and others that he has it. Why couldn’t it have come from his side of the family for S?</p>

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<p>A lot of this sounds like my H, too. He can hyper focus and be successful at work, but in the rest of life he can be a mess. He does best when he has a big work project.</p>

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<p><<<
I was looking a couple of weeks ago online and found there are new requirements, he was supposed to have declared a pre-business major and to have met with this counselor at least once a semester. He was off track. When I emailed him about it, he said he would take care of it when he got back to school. I said…NO…call now. He did and they made him an appoint during break. I drove back to campus with him. Sure enough, he has to retake one class to get his GPA up yo be admitted and his schedule reworked for the spring. Really…at 21,</p>

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<p>Yes.</p>

<p>and, that is another reason why some kids don’t graduate in 4 years. They “put off” checking what they need, and then, oops!, they need another class or two or THREE!</p>

<p>I can only say that if you suspect that your child, particularly a very young child, may have ADHD, the best thing is to get them into routines, including doing regular chores at set times/days. Don’t let them get used to “doing what they want to do” during their non-school time. H came from a family where there were no rules and no chores. School was very important to H, so he did do his homework. But, every other second was spent either doing sports, playing chess, or watching TV (I have never met anyone from our generation who watched more TV than H! There isn’t an old series out there that he didn’t watch (before all the reruns of late). They had a TV in every bedroom (unusual for the 60s) so that the parents could keep the kids “out of their hair” so they could do what THEY wanted. </p>

<p>One thing I consistently notice is a lack of understanding of how long it takes to do something, particularly when someone else is doing it for them (out of sight, out of mind). If I spend 40 hours preparing for a party, but little is done within H’s sight, he really has no clue how long it all takes…because he has never done anything like that. It doesn’t even cross his mind to THINK about how much time was spent…it all just seemed to magically appear. lol (I’m a magician! ha! )</p>

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<p>For H as well. For H, there is a huge pressure to “meet the deadline and everything be perfect” that he will work 72 hours straight, if necessary. Writing, rewriting, a presentation. There would NEVER be a typo or some error in some graph ANYWHERE. If his name is on it, it will be PERFECT! (My H could never post on a forum because it would take him 2 hours to write and rewrite his sentences until they were perfect. He would die if he saw how many typos I let slide! lol)</p>

<p>BUT…If something needs fixing around the house, lol…If I leave it to him, it may take him months to fix it. He may declare, “I’ll get this fixed this weekend,” but the weekend will pass and it won’t get done. The difference is that there isn’t the pressure of “embarrassment” that would happen at work if he ever missed a deadline (this is also why he never missed a homework assignment and only ever got one B his entire school life (for PE/swimming! lol)…and he STILL grumbles about that! ha!</p>

<p>On other threads we’ve talked about “being late” as a common symptom. Frequently it’s because they can’t pull themselves away from whatever they’re doing (including sleeping)…and they poorly estimate how long it will take to get ready and to drive where they need to be (one small hiccup - traffic, needing to get gas, can’t find something -makes them VERY late. )</p>

<p>I know that I wrote in another thread that my in-laws were EXTREMELY late to two of their children’s weddings (who does THAT?). The ceremonies waited and waited, until they had to begin. During the ceremonies, there were “clack clacks” as MIL’s high heels could be heard rushing in. lol (when we got married, we had to lie and tell MIL and FIL that they needed to be at the church about 60 minutes before they actually needed to be there for pics. )</p>

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<p>Yes, it can be attractive! But, in “real life” it can soon be a challenge. </p>

<p>One aspect of parenting that was a huge challenge was that H was too lenient about certain things, because “that is easiest.” I had to be the one to say, 'uh no, the kids can’t do that because____________." H would also over-promise because, again, that is easiest, and doesn’t require thinking about whether the promise is practical or do-able." </p>

<p>H’s ADHD mom never told her kids “no” about ANYTHING. They got everything on their birthday and Christmas lists (and these kids had huge LISTS!!!). What recently came to light is that H’s mom never had an “argument” or disagreement with any of her 4 daughters. (how does THAT happen? Who can raise daughters and not have some occasional spat or disagreement or “no, I won’t buy you that!”) Again, her “go to” method was, “whatever is easiest”…so don’t ever say “no.”</p>

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<p><<<
It really hurt me when H’s sister told me that my sons issues must have come from my side of the family, certainly not H’s. H has a dx of ADHD and admits to himself and others that he has it. Why couldn’t it have come from his side of the family for S?</p>

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<p>lol…SIL is full of denial. I’m not saying which side it comes from, but she certainly can’t say that it didn’t come from their side. </p>

<p>Don’t let things that are crazy hurt you. Consider the source. Label it crazy and move on.</p>

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<h1>15 This is why I am, essentially, a single parent. Sometimes it is worse than that, though, because I expect H to be “on my team” as a parent, but he’s “playing against me” more often than not. (H had no example of effective parenting–not quite as bad as your H’s family. Christmas? H and sibs would be running out to try to find a free tree on Christmas Eve…and then quickly buy a few random things before the stores closed. No plan for meals, no food in the house. . .) Parents were generally “uninvolved.”</h1>

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Some men are just naturally “wired” like this. At one time, I think DS told us he met the counselor a full year late as he was supposed to meet his counselor. He is generally good at school stuff (i.e., graduated with honor) but he just does not want to pay much attention to this. I think his counselor said it was lucky he happened to have taken the right mix of classes to fulfill his major’s requirement.</p>

<p>His roommate was much worse. He even knowingly decided at the last minute not to bother to go take the final - my kid, being his close friend, would not let this happen so he went back to the dorm and pulled him out of his bed! Without this credit, he would have to delay half a year before he could graduate but he just did not care. (This is a true story.) It was not that he was not well prepared.</p>

<p>After the graduation, his roommate took one or two graduate classes at another college, without a clear future career goal in mind. So it may be really not a big deal for him to graduate on time or not.</p>

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<p>And I suspect that more males have ADHD than females.</p>

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<p>Which furthers my non-expert belief that some/many with ADHD also have some depression/anxiety issues. That “do not care” attitude, staying in bed suggests some depression issues.</p>