<p>A resounding “yes” to all the postings. I like atomom’s post and I try, I really do, but frankly, after 20 years I’m just tired of feeling like I have 4 kids, instead of the 3 I actually have. I want teamwork and a partnership, not a feeling that I have another toddler for whom I am responsible. After he hoarded his vacation days and refused to take them all year (for “stupid” things like our son’s wedding/college visits/1st grandchild, etc), he is now home until Jan 2. Cheers to 2015–may it come sooner, rather than later :)</p>
<p>Wow! I don’t have an H with ADHD but I have a sister with it and her H is a saint in my opinion.</p>
<p>
This^^^</p>
<p>The last 30 years have been like this in her house. And it DOES affect everyone else in the family. Her H fills in the missing pieces but he is conflict-avoidant and does not deal with setting rules for the kids. The kids are adults now and are trying to navigate the wold on their own. It is hard to watch.</p>
<p>sryrstress: I’ve said those exact same words about teamwork and partnership. But realistically, H is not a good team player, so better to let him do his own thing. (If it makes you feel any better, I have 7 kids. . .8 counting H). I try, too. And I fail more often than I succeed.</p>
<p>for those with ADHD, have you noticed an improvement with meds?</p>
<p>The thing that I see with my sister is that she is also angry a lot! She gets angry if we point out that she is late for the hundredth time, angry if her husband picks up the slack for her and angry if he doesn’t. Just always angry. I often wonder if there is a co-morbid issue going on. She has been diagnosed with anxiety and mild depression. She is also hyper-sensitive to her own physical sensations, ailments, has a hard time empathizing with others in real life and is super sensitive to criticism in any form. Does that stuff go with ADHD?</p>
<p>I can definitely see an improvement when my H decides it is OK to take ADHD meds. Right now he doesn’t want to and I am not fighting him because he is taking other medication that is probably more important. I don’t want to risk him saying he will take the ADHD med and not the other.</p>
<p>I read a study about the effects of caffeine on ADHD people several years ago. It said that caffeine can help tone down the hyper in ADHD. It seemed to say the opposite of what a lot of people generally think. And, I can tell that it is true for both my H and S. H drinks boatloads of coffee and S could drink mountain dew and coke all day if I let him (I don’t). It does seem to help both of them control their hyperness to some degree, though does not help with thought processes, the EF and other issues like meds might.</p>
<p>@eptr my H goes through periods where he gets angry at the smallest things. It is like walking on eggshells sometimes. He is on medication to help with that, that is the med I don’t want him to give up in order to get him to take the ADHD med. I can’t get him to take both. I can live with the quirks of ADHD better than I can deal with the anger and hyper sensitivity. I told him at one point that I was going to leave him if he didn’t get help for it. He was at his doctor’s by the end of that week.</p>
<p>So for those complaining about ADHD spouse… was the problem obvious when you married (for better, or for worse)? Or did it surface when there were more responsibilities with harder jobs, parenting responsibilities, etc ? </p>
<p>Looking back, I should have listened better to the crazy stories of H’s youth. There’s an infamous family story about H getting sent home from visiting day in kindergarten for his hyperactivity. His mom didn’t drive, so the principal sent him home in a cab. However, the problem didn’t really become apparent until life got harder and more complicated. Many times, I have felt like a single parent with 3 kids (H being one of those kids). H cannot deal with details, paperwork, planning, follow-up and all those things that make for a smooth and productive homelike. He’s never paid a bill, filled out any forms, dealt with a repair person, or planned a vacation. At times, I attributed each new wrinkle on my face to his ADHD. He started to address some of these issues about 8 years ago. Life has become a little calmer and less chaotic, but the kids have also left the roost. Its easier for talk about teamwork and partnership when life has returned to just the two of us. Still, I am weary. </p>
<p>I have a relative with ADHD, panic attacks, some depression and I believe some executive function disorder. He also has some impulse control problems and some anger issues. He doesn’t use good judgment and has not seemed to learn much from his mistakes. We are concerned about him, but live 2500 miles away. His parent still reaches out and has a good relationship with him but his sib and he are not close and have not been close for at least the past 10 years.</p>
<p>I can see how being in a close relationship with someone who has ADHD (especially with other issues) can be tiring and trying for a spouse and the rest of the family, especially if treatment is resisted and/or refused by the patient.</p>
<h1>27 All I can say is, “Love is blind.” (We only knew each other a few months before we got married.) H didn’t even realize he had ADD until a few years ago. And he has other issues which seem obvious now, but just didn’t how to label them. (counselor diagnosed in 5 minutes. . .) I guess we thought of ADD/ADHD as an elementary school thing or something associated with below average performance/learning disabilities. And I thought H was just lazy or unwilling to do certain things. He doesn’t take medication. H is extremely intelligent, talented, charming. He is reliable at his work, but unreliable for most other things. Never had trouble in school (academically gifted) but constantly jumps from one thing to another and gets involved in too many things at once. Very social–the type to join every club. Lots of stories of him lacking common sense/being unrealistic or unprepared for things/making poor decisions/risk taking. He cannot stand tedious things (like paperwork). He just gets angry. When he concentrates, he does so to an obsessive degree. (So he can remember details of plot/characters of movies/novels that he saw/read once many years ago. But he can’t remember every day not to drive like a maniac?) With me to rein him in, he has been successful. I think he married me for my stabilizing influence–helping him focus, motivating him, preventing him from doing unreasonable/impulsive things. Living with him has probably taken years off my life, but he thinks I’m the best thing that ever happened to him. When he proposed, I said, “Let me think about it. . .” I knew life with this guy would not be easy, but it would never be boring. That is pretty much how it turned out. Sometimes I joke that I married him for “cheap entertainment.” He has always been like this–calmed down a bit as he got older. It is just that as responsibilities increase, needs and expectations also increase–and he can’t meet those needs/expectations.</h1>
<p>Yes, I pay most of our bills, deal with most of the repair people, coordinate and plan all our vacations and trips, but H does NOT have ADD. He DOES start and abandon many projects, all the time. At work, he was a great employee, but around the house, he frequently flits from project to project and has a hard time focusing on anything and seeing it through. <sigh> Fortunately, his other fine qualities balance these irritating partial projects everywhere and have him overlook mine. ;)</sigh></p>
<p>@Colorado_mom I don’t think I even knew what ADHD was when I married my H. We met at grad school. I do remember some mutual classmates/friends asking me why I wanted to marry him, with a tone of voice like they thought I could do better.</p>
<p>I am not sure I could have done better. H is a good man that has flaws. Don’t most people have flaws? ADHD just happens to be my H’s. I feel fortunate that is all it is. He could have turned out to be a closet axe murderer or something.</p>
<p>ADHD can be very difficult to live with. I guess that I can sometimes be difficult to live with, too, for different reasons.</p>
<p>@mom2collegekids I can’t speak for an adult, but one of my darling offspring was dx’d with ADHD years ago. We originally tried behavioral techniques, which worked at home, but didn’t generalize over into school. Tried Strattera, which caused depression. Next tried Concerta, which was a magic bullet. Had 3 years of great success. Then side effects showed up (vocal tics). After much consideration, we decided to try med-free, unless the ADHD became a huge barrier. Kiddo found coping mechanisms and has been sucessful for several years without any psychotropic meds. However, as you know, other difficulties sometimes go hand in hand with this disorder. We’ve dealt with the anger, anxiety, etc. etc. </p>
<p>Dr. Amen’s book is great! Has been on my shelf for probably ten years! (Although it’s so old it only lists 6 types!) </p>
<p>Yes…liking Dr. Amen’s book</p>
<br>
<br>
<p>oh, strange.</p>
<p>Without meds, do you notice an increase of any symptoms when stressed, anxious, or whatever?</p>
<p>3boystogo is telling the real truth about how ADHD meds work. Some don’t work (different ones for each person), and even when a med does work, there are side effects. Some of the side effects aren’t obvious, but they aren’t great either: the amphetamine ones like Adderall (it’s speed) can make a person lose their appetite, and some of the other ones affect libido. In other words, if you take one of those meds and you have that side effect, you’ll lose a pleasure, either sex or food, for the rest of your life. Not so inviting.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Yeah. That happens. At the time when many of us would have been marrying, 20 to 30 years ago, not many people knew about adult ADHD. As we look back now, we can see that we or our spouses are poster children for ADHD, but it wasn’t so obvious then. </p>
<p><<<
So he can remember details of plot/characters of movies/novels that he saw/read once many years ago. But he can’t remember every day not to drive like a maniac?</p>
<br>
<br>
<p>That can be the impulsive aspect that some ADHD people have. My H knows unbelievable details about movies, actors, TV shows, athletes, sports, and he can play 3 games of chess at the same time BLINDFOLDED…but doesn’t remember the names of his nieces or nephews (he has to ask me for their names before he calls a brother or sister). </p>
<p>If someone had a baby at work, he’d tell me to buy a gift, but if I asked, “is it a girl or boy”…he’d have no idea…he never thought to ask. Now, I know that this is common for males not to know details like “baby’s name,” weight, etc…but to not even bother to ask if it’s a boy or girl…but then tell me to buy a gift??</p>
<p>My H is in his late 50’s and was diagnosed with OCD in his 30’s. It never prevented him from functioning in life and he was aware of it. But he has had depression in the last decade and anxiety issues as well. When I read the list of symptoms that @mom2collegekids posted previously it had his name all over it. Is it pretty common to have OCD as well? I feel as many of you do when you say he is my 3rd child…who will never leave the nest! I’m tired of being responsible for everything all the time. And when I have expressed this, he just doesn’t see my perspective.</p>
<p>My has been told that he has some OCD along with his ADHD. I never really thought much about his OCD until recently when retired. When we go to one of our rentals to do some minor repair (that I typically did alone in the past), I can barely pull him out because he’ll become fixated on some minor thing that no one would ever notice or care about. </p>
<p>I don’t know how frequently ADHD and OCD co-exist, but I do suspect that ADHD and depression/anxiety issues often co-exist…but I don’t know the frequency. Anxiety and Depression frequently co-exist…I’m not even sure if a person can have one without the other. </p>
<p>I don’t think MIL had anxiety/depression issues (but maybe she did and since I’m no expert, I didn’t observe any), but FIL surely did. </p>
<p>My MIL told us that FIL couldn’t work for a company because he couldn’t deal with the stress of quotas, and following someone else’s rules. So, he opened his own independent insurance agency in the 50s. That was a business that should have been very successful, but wasn’t, because FIL mostly just sat in the office watching TV and reading magazines/newspapers. And, he would rarely ever leave the county that they lived in. And, he didn’t like socializing.</p>
<p>I don’t think anyone has mentioned moodiness. My gut tells me that moodiness may be more depression/anxiety related, so I don’t know if it’s also linked to ADHD. </p>
<br>
<br>
<p>@rom828 Can you clarify? he doesn’t think you are responsible for many/most/all things? or he doesn’t believe how time-consuming it all is for you? </p>
<p>If it’s either one, then that’s probably because he truly has no idea (out of sight, out of mind) how much time all these responsibilities take. It’s like a fairy gets them done. Unless they’re all done right under his nose, there can be no concept of how long they all take. </p>
<p>I think that some good-parenting at a young age can help an ADHD person become more self-aware. Obviously there are different degrees of ADHD as well as a few different types. </p>
<p>@HImom seems to be describing a mild form of ADHD.</p>