Adoption

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hey parents, I need some help.</p>

<p>Approximately 18 years ago, my birth parents decided that my life would be better in someone else’s hands and gave me up for adoption through the private adoption system in Florida. I was extremely blessed to be placed two loving parents, who although they are no longer together, who have provided me with all I could ever need. I have always known that I was adoptive, even from a young age. It’s what’s normal to me. My mom gave me my non-identifying health information last year, and it sparked my interest in finding my birth-parents.</p>

<p>The Florida adoption system is CRAZY, and I’m not doing so well at looking at the laws on my own. I am considering asking my parents to help me find my birth-parents, but I’m afraid. Here’s where you come in…</p>

<p>Do you think it’s appropriate for me to ask my parents to find my birth-parents? Although I feel like I could ask my parents about adoption any time, I always get the feeling that, my mom particularly, they are uncomfortable with me asking about them. I also have a step-brother who was adopted by my dad after his previous wife had my brother with a sperm donor, so I’ve considered asking him but we’ve never really talked about it and I feel like that’s an even harder conversation.</p>

<p>SO, for the TLDR crowd, a. should I ask my parents for help or continue trying on my own? and b. how should I approach the conversation?</p>

2

<p>If you feel you need an adult’s help in finding your birth parents, but you’re concerned that your parents won’t be receptive to helping you, consider finding another adult who could help. Maybe a friend’s mother? Maybe a counselor or teacher?</p>

<p>(And what’s “TLDR”?)</p>

3

<p>Good advice.</p>

<p>(Too long, didn’t read.)</p>

4

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<p>No. Find them yourself.</p>

5

<p>I have no experience with adoption whatsoever, so maybe I shouldn’t post here but – it seems to me that searching for your birth parents would be a very significant thing for you. As a parent, I like to know about significant things going on in my child’s life. Maybe you should ask your parents if they would like to be involved but be prepared for them to say no? Surely they know it is a very real possibility that you will want to do this.</p>

6

<p>Adoptive parent here. You need to try to sit down and chat with your parents about searching, and how they feel about it. It will not be easy. If adoption was the only shot they had at creating a family, there are all sorts of emotions lying under the surface. More likely than not, they really want to claim you as theirs, all theirs. They really wanted to have formed you, carried you, and birthed you. But they could not. There may still be some resentment that they could not create a child, only raise one as their own. There may still be feelings of inadequacy. Asking to search threatens the family unit to some degree. They may feel threatened by the intrusion of someone who gave you life, but played no role in shaping that life. It can be hard for parents of 18 year olds to let go anyway as you start to reach adulthood and independence. And this will make it seem like they really could be loosing you. </p>

<p>Then there are other issues. Your birth mom/dad may not want to be found. They might have moved on and might not have told their own parents or spouse or current children. Your search could also be threatening to them and their feelings of security. It could bring back feelings of inadequacy. You could be a reminder of what had to be a very painful time. You could end up feeling rejected and resentment. </p>

<p>It’s time to talk about it. It is time to listen to what they have to say, and it’s time you explain why exactly it is that you want to search. Then you have to decide what to do, and how to go about it if you decide to pursue this. I recommend looking for a counselor who had experience in the adoption field. They can be a source of great help as you try to navigate this very difficult journey. It will not be easy. And some things will never be the same once you search, whether you find what you are looking for or not.</p>

<p>Have you registered with the Florida Birth Registry?</p>

7

<p>SunnyFL: My father was previously married and has 3 children from his first marriage, and adopted my step-brother as his own. I don’t really feel like he would be so offended, but we NEVER talk about it. In fact, I can’t actually remember having a conversation with my dad about the fact that I’m adopted; I always asked my mom. My mom had a string of miscarriages before I was born and that’s why I’m afraid to bring it up. </p>

<p>I’m considering contacting the attorney who handled my adoption (we did it privately, without the state or an agency) to see what the exact provisions were of my case. I know the state of Florida has some very interesting laws about how adoptees can not contact their birth-parents unless x,y, and z are approved. </p>

<p>I have not but from a quick google I’m not sure I can find what you’re talking about. I know I can’t receive my original birth certificate until I go through the court process because of the way Florida’s system works. </p>

<p>More than anything I need the updated medical history. While this may seem impersonal, that’s what I most want out of this. I’ve struggled with medical issues my whole life, and it’s unbelievably frustrating to have no updated medical history. I have the original “non-identifying medical history” that I received from the state, but I really need to know what happened after that.</p>

<p>Thanks everyone for the advice.</p>

8

<p>[Florida’s</a> Adoption Reunion Registry (FARR)](<a href=“http://www.adoptflorida.com/Reunion-Registry.htm]Florida’s”>http://www.adoptflorida.com/Reunion-Registry.htm)</p>

<p>If your birth mother is registered, and you register, the State of Florida will help you contact one another. There is no searching, but if parties on both sides register, you can bypass all legal maneuverings and they will facilitate the exchange of information. Since you are 18, you can register.</p>

9

<p>Do you know the private attorney who facilitated the adoption?</p>

10

<p>I don’t personally know the attorney, but my parents do. I have pictures with them and everything. However, I don’t know if they’re retired or not.</p>

11

<p>Another adoptive parent here, and I think it’s perfectly normal to want to meet your birthparents. Before we adopted, we had to attend several classes on adoption issues. I also read several books. I don’t believe that birthparents could replace adoptive parents, nor would most birthparents try to do so. If you think your parents would be uncomfortable with your search, I’d follow VeryHappy’s advice and find another adult. I wouldn’t use an attorney, just because of the $$$. Make an appointment with a local adoption agency. They could give you some good advice on searching or recommend some good books on the subject. With the internet, searching should be fairly easy now. If the Florida adoption registry doesn’t work, try one of the national registries.</p>

12

<p>Yes, I think it’s appropriate for you to ask for your parents’ help. I have friends and a niece who were adopted, and whose adoptive parents helped them connect with their biological parents.</p>

<p>Emphasizing that you’re particularly interested in the medical information about your biological family may help relieve any anxiety or sense of rejection your adoptive parents feel. Even if you didn’t have health problems, knowing your biological family’s medical history would still be very important. In your case, however, it’s crucial information to get ASAP.</p>

<p>You also could emphasize that you love your adoptive parents, feel that they are your “real” parents, and appreciate their including you in their family.</p>

13

<p>Adoption is very common in my family, though I myself am not adopted. I also have a friend who gave up a child for adoption. Everyone who has gone searching and found birth mom has had a good experience. How good has varied. Birth dads–sometimes, not so good. </p>

<p>First, I vote for sitting down with your mom and telling her that you are going to search. You aren’t asking her permission; you aren’t asking her help. You just love her and want her to understand that doing this doesn’t mean anything else. Add in that you want to know med history. THEN say you would like to know any information she has that might help in your search. </p>

<p>Your mom will express her attitude. Listen respectfully. Don’t argue, but repeat calmly that you are going to do this. If she’s open to the idea, that’s fantastic. if not, well…she won’t be as hurt as she will be if she finds out from someone else that you are doing this. </p>

<p>Since your parents aren’t together, repeat with your dad. It sounds as if you aren’t that close. If not, do it in a letter. </p>

<p>AFTER doing this, register with the state of Florida. </p>

<p>There are other things you can do to look. The internet plays a role in all this. </p>

<p>When and if you find your birth mom, don’t go flying off to see her alone. My friend who gave up her child had been through a lot of group therapy about having done so. So, when her 19 year old daughter found her and wanted to fly to NYC and meet her, she said no. She told her birth daughter that she would fly out to visit her, to tell her birth mom that and bring her along to their meeting. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. </p>

<p>Reality is that at some level, many adoptive parents are afraid of what their kids will find. Will the adopted child be met with a mom with lots of problems, including financial ones, and try to get $$$ from the child? This may seem ridiculous to you, but it might not be to your adoptive mom. Is birth mom an alcoholic, drug addict? Adoptive parents WORRY. </p>

<p>In my friend’s case, the adoptive mom’s fears weren’t unreasonable. While my friend ,her birth daughter and birth daughter’s parents now enjoy a good relationship, her birth dad is another story. The young woman really wanted to find him, and I helped do that. (I mean I got a friend to do a search for him which cost all of $25, rather than the thousands she was going to pay a private eye.) Her birth dad had never married and has no other children. He thought he was entitled to step into her life and be treated as her father–including moving in with her and having her support him financially in his old age! He felt that now that she had found her “real” father, she should have nothing to do with the father who raised her. He tried to turn her against her birth mom, saying that she was the one who had given her up for adoption–not him. (When the child was born, he didn’t want her birth mom to give her up, but was unwilling to marry her or to contribute any financial support whatsoever. )</p>

<p>So, I would start by talking to your mom. Don’t do anything without her knowledge, even if she’s opposed to it. If you do find your birth mom, bring her to the meeting. If she can’t come, take along another responsible adult that your mom knows and trusts.</p>

14

<p>I don’t have any personal experience with this, but it seems to me that going behind your parents’ back may jeopardize the good and trusting relationship you have with them. I think you should talk with them. They may or may not help you to find your biological parents, but at least they will not feel “betrayed” and “back-stubbed” by you.</p>

15

<p>I have a daughter who entered my family through the miracle of adoption and if she someday wants to find her birthparents, I would move heaven and earth to help her. Ask your parents.</p>

16

<p>Adoptive parent here. Talk with your parents - your ‘real’ parents, ie the ones who sought you and brought you up. They love you and will do what it takes to help you find out what you need to know. Good luck.</p>

17

<p>Another adoptive parent here - ditto! Although I would confess that part of me would prefer if she were older when she did the search.</p>

<p>I learned that I had a half sister when I was an adult. I became passionate about finding her ~ and did so using the Salvation Army’s family searching services. One meeting and it was, ok, I can get back to normal now.</p>

18

<p>I’m in the same boat as you alwaysandforever. The only difference with me is that I do not have a birth certificate with my name on it. (I always joke that I don’t have a birth certificate.) But it has been even harder for me to find my birth parents because 1) they were both 16 when I was born and 2) I am considered an abandoned child by California Law. So it’s been quite interesting trying to find them. </p>

<p>I’m still trying, but if anyone has any other suggestions to finding them, it would be very much appreciated.</p>

19

<p>lilo, how old are you and have you talked to your parents about this?</p>

20

<p>jonri, I’m 18, and I have talked to my mother about it, but she really doesn’t want me to find my birth parents. But I am determined to find them, especially since I will most likely be spending the summer in California next summer. And because I want my family health history because there is a good possibility that I already have RA and the doctors want to know what my health history is.</p>