Adoption

Parent Cafe
21

<p>Another adoptive parent here (my son is also 18). I certainly understand your desire to find your birth parents and obtain a medical history. However, those are really two different goals (you might be able to get a more complete health history through a third party). I wonder about the wisdom of waiting a few years, perhaps until you are 21. At 18 you are in the process of separating from your family and your parents are learning to “let go” and become an adult. Once you have successfully gone through that transition and you and your parents are hopefully in a good place then it might be a better time to connect with your birth family. </p>

<p>Our son just headed off to college, I cannot imagine going through this phase of life AND
getting to know birth parents at the same time. I think it would be an emotional tsunami. If he wants to search for them at some time in the future we will help him do so and he knows that. Just something for you to think about.</p>

22

<p>My understanding is that a medical history is often available from the party that facilitated the adoption. Thus, the OP might be able to get one from the attorneys involved in hers. In some states, it may be part of the adoption record. While the file will be sealed, in some cases, a judge could look at it and release the health history part to the adoptee. </p>

<p>Of course, rules vary among the states and have also changed over time.</p>

23

<p>The medical history would not have been updated since the child was born, which would be good reason to contact the biological parents and to get more recent info.</p>

<p>One thing to consider about delaying finding the adoptive parents is that they may die or become unreachable in the meantime. That happened to one woman I know.</p>

24

<p>Yes, the OP said her mom gave her health info last year. That would only be medical history up to the time of the pregnancy/birth, some 18 years ago. There would be no access to any updates without trying to connect with birth parents. Although, to be honest, there is often only maternal history. Many times paternal history is not available, and searches for birth fathers can be even harder. </p>

<p>If a search is not successful, most physicians treat patients with limited medical history as if their history is positive–ie early mammograms, early colonoscopies. </p>

<p>I think “academically” the search is about health history,. Emotionally, the search is about much more. One has to be ready for the emotional impact of a search. I think that knowing health history at 18 is not any more advantageous than knowing health history at age 25. There is a maturity needed to handle searches and their outcomes. </p>

<p>Go slow, and take your time on this.</p>

25

<p>My parents divorced when I was quite young and for a variety of reasons not relevant to the discussion, they fell out of contact. I was adopted by my mother’s second husband, who became my father in every single way, but the questions were always still there.</p>

<p>I did not go about trying to contact my bio-dad til I was in my mid-twenties and already married. I did have the full support of my parents, who understood and were not threatened.</p>

<p>As for medical history, I still don’t have a history from that side, and I probably never will. That’s not really the point, though. No matter how strong your relationship (and I have a wonderful father), there is always the “where am I from” question, and I think it’s totally natural.</p>

<p>Be prepared, however, that the answers that you get may not be the answers you are seeking. I started my search and was prepared for one of two things: 1) Bio-dad would want to see me and establish a relationship; or 2) Bio-dad would say “get the heck out of my life, go away.” I was fully unprepared for the answer that really was out there, which was 3) Bio-dad had died shortly after I last saw him, when his children from his second marriage were just babies, and frankly I knew more about him than they did.</p>

<p>My parents fully understood when I called them sobbing hysterically that he had died 20 years ago, and in fact my mom flew out to go with me to the grave and pay our respects.</p>

<p>I am now “facebook friends” with my half-sister and half-brother, and they’re very nice people and I’m glad I did the search – but emotionally, it was quite a rollercoaster. I would urge you to seek out your parents’ support. You may even want to have “on reserve” professional psychological support, because processing this stuff is HUGE, even in the “best case” scenario where you find nice people who want to re-establish a relationship. </p>

<p>Best of luck to you.</p>

26

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<p>There is zero guarantee that you’ll ever get that, though. Even if the parents are out there and willing to be contacted, they may not know their own family history or not want to release it to you. Trust me, BTDT.</p>

27

<p>However, they may very willingly give it to you. My brother is mentally ill as is his wife, who is frequently hospitalized for her schizophrenia. All of their children were taken away from them when the children were young. One daughter–who was since been adopted – located and contacted my brother and his wife before the daughter, who is about 20, was to enter the military.</p>

<p>The daughter visited my brother and his wife, and they all also called me (I live 1,000 miles away) and introduced me to the daughter.</p>

<p>My brother and his wife were very open with the daughter about their mental health illnesses. I also provided the daughter with other info about family health and general family info, including the fact that my brother and his wife loved their children and fought to try to keep them, but due to their mental health issues, my brother and his wife were not able to parent appropriately.</p>

<p>Literally during the D’s visit, my brother suffered a stroke. While he’s now relatively well, despite having some mobility problems, he does not take care of his health, and I think that if the D had waited several more years before contacting him, my brother may not have been alive to have met her.</p>

<p>I know other adoptees who have contacted their biological parents. Some had OK experiences. Some had horrible experiences as did a friend whose biological mother’s greeting was, “Why haven’t you ever sent me birthday cards?” One of my friends tried to contact her biological mother, but learned that her biological mother had died shortly before my friend tried to contact her…</p>

<p>I actually think it may be easier to connect with biological parents when one is in college and can also get the support of the college counseling center, which has lots of experience with adolescents and young adults including adoptees. It may be much harder to go through the connection experience later when one is struggling with entering the work place and is out in the world on one’s own.</p>

28

<p>While we’re on the subject of adoption, parents who’ve adopted children from abroad, and adoptees from abroad, may be interested in the memoir, “Lucky Girl,” by my friend Mei Ling Hopgood. </p>

<p>She was adopted as an infant by a family in Michigan, and as an adult connected with her biological family in Taiwan. </p>

<p>The story is fascinating. You can get a sense of it by peeking inside the book on Amazon:
[Amazon.com:</a> Lucky Girl: A Memoir (9781565126008): Mei-Ling Hopgood: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Lucky-Girl-Memoir-Mei-Ling-Hopgood/dp/1565126009]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/Lucky-Girl-Memoir-Mei-Ling-Hopgood/dp/1565126009)</p>

29

<p>I vehemently disagree with the idea that knowing one’s health history at 18 is not more advantageous than knowing it at 25. </p>

<p>One issue that’s important is substance abuse. Reality is that many children given up for adoption come from homes in which it was an issue. An 18 year old going off to college who knows that birth mom struggled with alcoholism may behave quite differently in college than one who is unaware of such a history. </p>

<p>One of my adopted relative knows her birth mom was a blimp–extremely obese. When she started piling on the freshman 15, she knew that this could be an issue and that her mom had developed type 2 diabetes. On the flip side, she doesn’t beat herself up for being a bit plump. She knows it’s probably genetic and has accepted that it’s her body type. </p>

<p>Also, some people do have children before the age of 25. As I know from my adopted female relatives, going through pregnancy with no medical history is a NIGHTMARE. </p>

<p>And, if females are sexually active and want to use contraception, family health history very much comes into consideration in determining what kind. </p>

<p>While I agree that there a lot of difficulties doing this and it is not an endeavor to be undertaken lightly, in many cases, it is easier to get the medical record than to find the birth parents. I thinkt the cautions here apply to finding your birth parents, but not to getting a medical history.</p>

30

<p>The OP has the medical history up until the time her birthmother gave birth. Her adoptive mother gave her the info last year. There is no way to get any updated health/medical info now without doing a search. Agencies, private attorneys, etc do not continue to track health histories. When the adoption is final, there is no further keeping or gathering of info. She has history up until her birth. Getting more history means a search. That is the issue. She has info, just not recent info.</p>

31

<p>There are two young adopted women asking advice on this thread. My understanding is that the second has NO medical history and has symptoms of RA.</p>

<p>Sunnyflorida’s remarks are listed below lilo’s remarks. I thought they were in response to it. If not, I don’t know why they said it was no more advantageous to have the info at 25 than 18. It was that remark I was disagreeing with.</p>

32

<p>I think it was useful to my brother’s daughter to learn that her biological family has a history of schizophrenia and depression including suicide related to depression. Learning that medication has helped me with my depression will, I hope, help her and her sister if either shows signs of depression.</p>

33

<p>The other issue with the medical history I have received is that it’s only really basic questions. I’ve battled with certain medical problems in my life, and it’s very frustrating to not know to how this fits in. </p>

<p>The state of Florida is really horrible on their laws from the adoptee’s perspective, which is also part of the reason I’m pushing for sooner rather than later. The fight for my personal history may be very time consuming and I am very worried about the potential of a birth-parent being dead. </p>

<p>Thank everyone for your responses.</p>

34

<p>Then start the journey. But share your intentions with your adoptive parents. And consider having a counselor available who may have some experience in adoptive counseling. </p>

<p>My comments here on this thread have been for the OP. It gets tricky when there are others posting and asking for advice. So my comments about getting info were directed at the OP. Sorry for any confusion.</p>

<p>To the OP, feel free to PM me as I am also in Florida. As an OB/GYN, I have cared for many birth mothers. As an adoptive parent, I am personally familiar with adoption issues. And being in the same state, I have some knowledge of the issues of adoption and Florida.</p>

35

<p>My bad, sunny, because I did say the OP in my remarks. I was looking at posts 18 and 20. This young woman has a medical problem and getting history ASAP might really matter.</p>

36

<p>I agree with the advice to let your adoptive parents know what you want to do. </p>

<p>Searching is apparently more common for female adoptees than for males. Outcomes vary dramatically, as indicated by the anecdotes above. I am not certain how any one can be prepared for what they may find, but it seems it would be wise to have your adoptive parents as “partner” or at least “support” in this endeavor.</p>

<p>There is an interesting adoption search story regarding Jim Fassel, who was the coach of the NY Giants. It seems to have worked out well.</p>

37

<p>Indeed, the only piece I can disagree with is post #4, which is essentially “Find them yourself.” This isn’t something you can go through yourself. You need to have support from loved ones and/or professional help to deal with everything that gets unleashed. I was in a situation where I KNEW the name (etc) of the person I was looking for, had FULL support from my mother, had no reason to believe I was walking into a lion’s den (no addiction, abuse, alcoholism, etc.), and I still consider the whole thing as akin to taking everything I believed my life had been built on, knocking it down to its foundation, and then rebuilding anew. I cannot stress enough the importance of having emotional support no matter where the journey takes you on this one or no matter whether the outcome is parents-want-to-reunite or parents-tell-you-to-go-away.</p>

38

<p>NSM - I think it’s great that you gave the relevant family health history to your brother’s child. My bio-grandmother – the only person who could have given me any relevant health history for my bio-dad – was still alive and was in total denial about my bio-dad’s death, much less the fact that she had several grandchildren (myself included) that she had nothing to do with. She had breast cancer / mastectomy and instead of telling her female grandchildren about this fact, she told us that she was walking down the stairs, tripped and fell, and her breast came off. (I am NOT kidding - it’s now a morbid running joke in our family.) She is now deceased and she was the only link, since my bio-dad had passed away when I was a kid and no one bothered to contact me or my mother.
Just be prepared that not everyone is as forthcoming as NSM was, and that even finding people is no guarantee that you will ever get medical history out of them.</p>

39

<p>I’d suggest both young women look for support groups for teen adoptees sponsored by legitimate organizations. These can be helpful.</p>

40

<p>"She had breast cancer / mastectomy and instead of telling her female grandchildren about this fact, she told us that she was walking down the stairs, tripped and fell, and her breast came off. (I am NOT kidding - it’s now a morbid running joke in our family.) "</p>

<p>Wow. Just wow. Talk about denial…</p>