Agree with everyone else and you should NOT be stuck in the middle. I saw my mom in that position way too often as a kid. I remember thinking as a teenager that I would not allow that to happen to me and I’ve kept to that resolution. I tell family members to speak to each other directly if they have issues.
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Leave it up to your kids.
If the nephew really wanted everyone to come, then he would have given people enough advanced notice so they could set aside funds and time in order to be able to attend.
In my opinion, what’s kind of MORE important is to support the couple in their marriage for all of the years AFTER the wedding.
If your DH really wants to strong arm your kids into attending, then he can pony up the $$ for them to do so.
Your kids should just send their regrets and send the newlywed couple a lovely wedding gift.
Tough situation. I agree with others - it’s not your job to force the kids to do anything, or to be put in the middle of this.
But, a couple of thoughts:
If you can afford it, and your husband thinks the kids must be there, then maybe offer to buy them tickets/pay for lodging if necessary.
If your son with a baby can come, and mom and baby stay home, that would be a fine option, in my opinion.
In any case, if they don’t come, I would encourage the kids to make contact with the cousin and let them know they’re sorry they can’t attend, wish them well, etc.
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Then he can be very big on paying for the flights and hotel room for his kids.
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I am thankful this mindset is changing. I feel like, historically, no one thought much about a son-in-law not going with his wife to one of her family events. Or that it was fine if a daughter went (without her husband) and spent time with her family. However, I think it was always seen as a, “slight,” against the mother-in-law if a daughter-in-law didn’t travel with her husband to visit his family.
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I like this mindset very much, but things aren’t as black and white with the baby and job obligations. So, I might worry that, even if the funding helped, it would make it even more obligatory?
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Man, then my MIL must’ve felt slighted A LOT.
Maybe it’s a regional thing???
My ds has only been with his mother a couple of times without me. He stayed with her longer than I did after his dad died. But, of course, I was there for eight days before I left. He also went one other time for a very short visit to prepare her tax return. He specifically asked me not to go because I need more stops on the 13+ hour drive than he does, so I slow him down. Lol
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Can you suggest the wedding set up an informal Skype (or Zoom) of the ceremony? Our daughter married in another city in a tiny ceremony in backyard of wedding coordinator (who also officiated. and took photos - “who wants the camera or the ceremony?) There was a laptop set up at front to capture ceremony for relatives who could not attend.
In general, I agree that parents need to let their kids make own decision. BUT there is nothing wrong with parents offering to help with wedding travel expenses, if parents have “deeper pockets” to splurge on family events. That does not solve cases where there are steep logistic challenges, but it can help make the decisions less painful financially.
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And to reply directly to @deb922’s query - I am in the camp with everyone else. It’s their decision, and I don’t think they should feel bad at all for saying, “We’d love to attend, but it just doesn’t work for us.”
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My husband is also big on familial obligations, while me… not so much. He has these expectations for my kids that they’re not interested in buying into. I can see it as a long term point of conflict between them and that makes me sad.
I’m dealing with one of the few things I feel obligated to right now and it’s a huge headache. My little sister has been engaged for a few years and a couple of months ago decided to get married the day after my daughter’s 21st birthday, and two weeks after we move across the country. I’m going to be driving from MN to NM and then two weeks later driving from NM to IN and back again- and figuring out how to celebrate my daughter’s bday without detracting from the wedding. I wish she had been slightly considerate with the timing but I know that it’s about them and not us, and I’ll make it work. Families can be a lot of work.
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I agree with 1214mom. How far away does your oldest live? Can he come by himself and have his wife stay home with the baby (if she doesn’t want to come)?
Can your daughter come without her boyfriend? Can she fly home the night of the wedding or take Monday morning off and go in late? Even with long lead time, taking a day off could still be required.
If you can afford it, offering to help with the costs may also help.
While attending a wedding is not a requirement, it certainly is nice to be there for family, especially with a very small family. To me, it is important and I would do what I could to facilitate my kids attending.
If they truly can’t, they can’t and your DH would have to accept that.
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My mom was the only one in her family of 8 kids to move across the country from their small town in western PA to Southern California and she always felt like she needed to go “home” for weddings and other events. My mom still spends 3 weeks in July in an Airbnb in western PA so that she can attend the annual family reunion and visit with relatives.
As my brothers and I got older we only attended the weddings of cousins we were close to especially after we were married and had our own kids.
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Agree with what everyone else is saying–they should not feel obligated to spend money or vacation time they cannot spare to attend. I also think they should not feel pressured to either leave a baby behind OR to bring an unvaccinated baby to a wedding when Covid could still be a concern.
We missed many family weddings when we were just getting established in our careers and when our kids were young. In a perfect world, I would have loved to attend, but it was not in the cards to spend thousands on airfare and lodging and car rentals and to sacrifice annual leave that was needed for other things (like babies getting sick!) Heck, my kids and I did not attend my SIL’s wedding and just sent my husband on his own when she chose to get married in a remote location that required not only a $1500 international flight per person but also would have required a car rental if all four of us went, plus having to sort out car seats, etc. We instead chose to save up and spend our vacation budget on a week-long trip with her and her husband a year later where we were able to have quality time and truly catch up with them. The memories made in that week were far better than any made at a wedding, in my opinion.
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While I get the idea of offering to pay expenses to attend, I also feel that is an added layer of pressure to attend.
Do we spend too much effort to “look good” for other family members?
Can’t you genuinely support another family member (in this case the one getting married)without being there? Maybe they can get together with the newly married couple another time this year. And if they wouldn’t really make the effort to do that (either couple) then really, how imperative is showing your face at this event?
Of course, @deb922 knows more of these answers and doesn’t need to share with us 
but just some thoughts.
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Some couples getting married announce the date with a very long lead time in order to give the guests lead time to get time off work or deal with other scheduling logistics that would be difficult on shorter notice.
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When one of my kids was married, in the photo of my husband and his family it was him and one other person 
The wedding was planned with only a few months notice and I gave the two families that might come (total of under a dozen people including their young adult kids) active permission to come only if it worked for them.
On my photo we had over a dozen pictured including half the cousins, it felt right. The cousins who did not come were the ones who aren’t as close, no judgement. But then, I am big on trying to be of a no judgement mindset, though I’m not always successful 
One of DH’s siblings had a wedding last year and one this year. Some of our family made it to the wedding last year, we have always been huge on divide and conquer and a wonderful connected time was had. We absolutely planned to attend the wedding this year, until we began pricing airfare on a holiday weekend plus hotels plus car rental, we’d be hitting $3k easily. Nope, airfare is many multiples of last year, we decided to go on a non-wedding trip to visit later this year.
Let your kids decide, if they are able to go and to whomever said DIL should leave her baby behind, that’s easy, now you know their opinion need not be heeded on anything! Antiquated list of social morays, which goes along with things like fine china, silver, fur coats, etc. The prior generations rules need not apply to your kids and their cousins will likely agree.
Of course, some people are all about ceremonies and some are not. I have kids who care and attend every wedding everywhere they can and kids who just don’t care about that stuff and I support both in doing life their way.
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Your husband is wrong.
Your one daughter just had a baby; it is entirely too much to make it there right now. A Sunday afternoon wedding several states away? An infant? No paternity leave and she is just going back to work…no.
It’s a Sunday afternoon wedding, and they know that people live out of town. I’d go as far to say they’re not expecting people everyone who lives out of town to be able to make it. These things happen! It’s a Sunday afternoon, short notice, casual wedding.
I’m sorry your husband is being so rigid about this that he’s not seeing how circumstances and life changes don’t make everything a black and white quid pro quo.
It’s ok to not make this event, the circumstances are such that it’s completely understandable. Husband and MIL can be disappointed, but neither of them should hold it over your kid’s heads. Life happens.
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I agree that the adult kids can and should handle this themselves, but I disagree that if they are not able to make it due to the parameters of the event and their life circumstances that it means they are severing bonds with their cousins.
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The money isn’t an issue for the kids. It’s definitely a time and distance thing. And maybe not exposing themselves to Covid when they have a unvaccinated baby.
My son would probably drive. He’s in that awkward distance where flying wouldn’t save much time. Would he come without his wife and baby? They are very tethered to each other, I’m not sure. I’ve never known them to split and conquer.
My daughter would definitely come by herself and that’s probably what will happen. She’s used to it. It’s not easy for her boyfriend to get time off. Definitely not unscheduled. But it would be nice for him to meet her family as he hasn’t due to schedules and the pandemic.
Thankfully the wedding is in Detroit where you can fly in direct and fly out the next morning.
I think I struggle with the “obligations” of things. That’s on me, but I try to let the kids make up their own minds. If they can’t go, they will feel guilty. It won’t be because they don’t want to.
I think this is another instance of family being far flung but the older generation wanting things to be like it was when everyone stayed in the same area.
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