Yea, the Sunday afternoon is tough. The kids getting married are very low key and understanding. She’s a surgical resident so she gets not being available.
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I struggle with that also. I’m expected to do the communicating, planning and to be physically there.
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That is something I have not let ds1 get away with, putting his wife in charge of all the correspondence, etc. He is a grown-ass man, and it’s not her “job” to handle all the things with our family. Thankfully, we all get along really well, including her parents. It’s ridiculous at this point and a source of joking how much of a bff her mom and I are. It’s a good “problem” for the kids to have, right? Better than the alternative.
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I was sorry to miss a cousin’s wedding decades ago, when our first baby was about 3 months old (and still nursing). It was held in Manhattan, and at the time we knew nothing about NYC and had no online research methods. Also timing was not great due to other reasons. People understood.
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It may be challenging, but you can work to break that cycle with the family. Cheerfully hold the boundaries with your MIL (and husband) around what is and isn’t your business or responsibility.
And if that seems too hard to do with your in-laws and husband at this point, you can work to dismantle that with/for your adult kids.
There is zero reason “the wife” is responsible for all the domestic labor of communicating and planning and executing family life!
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As the mother of a son, I could not agree more.
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Mother of sons as well, and I expect them to pull their weight. That being said, I’ve tried to be sensitive to my own MIL, and I don’t flaunt trips to my parents or time with them. My folks have chosen to have active roles in our life, and our sons’. My inlaws have chosen to be unattached despite making every effort to meet them halfway, and now they are shocked that our sons are not interested in using up vacation days to see them.
Anyway. Between siblings and myself we have 6 kids, with 5 kids and 6 spouses. We realized a few years ago that getting together is hard, so we now have a twice -a - year “holiday” so if people can’t make one, they have a chance to make another.
It’s my experience that the parents care much more about cousins’ relationships than the cousins do.
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My cousin brought her young nursing infant to my wedding, with my blessing. But it was only an hour’s drive away. Right now, with Covid numbers rising and the mask mandate removed on planes, plus their new baby, I think they get a pass on this one.
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Everybody can’t attend everything.
My kids did not attend a cousins wedding. All of their aunts and uncles and most of their cousins were there. One week later, my brother had a heart attack and died. They regret not having attended.
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Mom of a son here as well, and I fully desire to break the cycle of, “the wife is responsible for all communicating/planning/gift-buying, etc” if ds ever marries. And, if he fails to do those things, I will take it up with him, not his wife because it also won’t be her job to nag at him either. After being married 33+ years, I don’t think I can break the cycle of expectations with my own mil now. And, she’s 83 and a widow, so it would seem a bit mean to move the goalposts now. Fortunately, I get along well with my mil. Our overall family dynamic is different because my parents died before I married. So, there has never been any, “sharing,” of holidays that had to be done.
I think the closeness of cousins and expectations of family, “responsibilities,” regarding cousins depends on the size of the family. My ds is an only. My dh has one sister that has only one dd. They are each other’s ONLY first cousin. I would hope that they would make more effort for each other than say someone who has 8 - 10 (or more!) cousins might.
I myself am an only and my mother’s two siblings each also only have one child as well. I am particularly close to my one female cousin who is near my age. I mean, I really have no other family.
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My family is super small also. The cousins (not many of us!) just get closer as the years go by. We’ve missed each other’s weddings over the years and some other milestones but now it feels like “catch up time” and we communicate more than ever. Leave it to your adult kids to take care of themselves.
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When our daughter got married, some of her cousins were able to come and others didn’t. It was fine.
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Of course another situation where one cannot go to everything is one where different relatives choose important events like weddings on the same day in different locations.
This is one of the many issues your kids will have to decide for themselves. Our kids are very close to their cousins but they have to make choices as D lives in LA and S lives in DC and the cousins live in HI. It’s not reasonable to guess that they can attend every important event that cousins may invite them to.
It doesn’t sound like the $$$ is really the issue for the kids, it’s more the time and planning and other issues. If the $$$ is the issue and you and your H are in a position to offer, I would have no problem with saying NO PRESSURE, but if it’s the $$$ standing in the way of your attending, H and I would be happy to pay expenses associated with you attending. I would only say this because our kids understand that NO PRESSURE means NO PRESSURE.
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I run communication through my son. He’s perfectly able to text and talk to his wife about things.
My sister in law stopped communicating with my mother in law. She didn’t return her phone calls. She had her husband call my mil when they issued invitations. My mil never changed. Never.
Then my sister in law left my brother in law. Mil is now forced to call her son. So I don’t think it was my mil but sil tried to change the goalposts. It was very unsuccessful.
We’ve been married 35 years. My mil does not have my husband’s phone number, he had the same number for 13 years. I was out of town visiting my mom, my husband was meeting his parents. My mil called me to tell my husband they had left their home. I tried to give her his phone number for the umpteenth time. Didn’t work.
My kids show up at almost every event that are important, especially when it’s family weddings, birthdays, holidays, vacations. That being said, if it is a last minute event then no.
My kids know there are family obligations and we all make an effort to be there. It works both ways.
My son’s wedding is Saturday and all 4 of his 1st cousins are coming but there was no pressure for them to do so. The bride has many more cousins but none of them were even invited! Most of the guests will be their friends. I am with the camp that feels adult children should feel free to make their own decisions. Family obligations can really wear you down. If you want to come , great, if it doesn’t work for you, we’ll catch you another time.
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I have two cousins. That’s it, two. One got married just a few weeks after my baby came home from the hospital, only off O2 for a few weeks. Not going. Sister’s baby was also new, maybe a month old. She did not go. I think my father (brother of FOB) and one brother went (I have 4 brothers). Everyone understood that we WANTED to go, just couldn’t.
Her sister got married about 4 years later, but it was an adult only wedding. I had two kids at that time, 3 and 4. My uncle asked me if I wasn’t going because it was adult only. No, I said, I wasn’t going anyway (but yes, I had no one to take the kids). My sister went and left her 4 year old with her husband, and I think my parents went.
BTW, I don’t think my uncle or cousins came to any of my siblings weddings.
We are a fairly close family but our schedules don’t always work this way. We can do a summer visit or lots of phone calls, but not the scheduled events, not holidays.
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Oh boy, I think I may have a slightly different mindset than the majority!
First, I absolutely agree this is the adult children’s ultimate decision and their responsibility to communicate (hopefully very well!) what their decision is and their love for their cousin, blah blah blah.
That being said, I don’t think it infantilizes your kids for their parents to give them some advice. As a grown 52 year old woman, I still seek advice of friends and people I look up to for many decisions. I think we can always learn a lot from talking to wise people who have lived through a lot of life experiences. So yes—their decision, but it’s ok to for you/husband to offer counsel.
I believe the older I get, the more I realize the importance of “showing up”. I NEVER would be upset with someone who has too much going on to show up. But I’ll give an example with my father’s funeral. I now live about a 5+ hour drive from my family home. When my dad died, I was VERY clear with my local friends—“no need to come; it’s too far; oh my god, please don’t come I’ll feel bad about the giant drive! We have so much family and friends near my parents, we’ll be fine, please don’t worry!” The ceremony was stuck being early, too, like 9 or 10 am, so required either an overnight stay or like a 3:30 am departure! I was mortified to think anyone would have to endure taking a day off work to go through all of that. So, true to my word, I am not one bit upset with anyone who didn’t come. BUT, OH MY GOD, how I feel about the people who drove all that way anyway!! 
. My heart explodes thinking about them. I was blessed with about 20 awesome friends who rallied to come, I had no idea they were coming until I saw them. I will NEVER forget it, they have moved up really far in my book!! So it’s true, I can’t and won’t blame anyone who couldn’t make it. But do I have EXTRA affection and connection with those who made it happen? Of course. It’s totally worth it when you can do it. By the way, I also do my best to show up at important events. The older and wiser I get, the more I believe in the importance of this. As inconvenient, expensive, possibly annoying that certain events are, I find you NEVER regret showing up.
I definitely agree it’s fine for the new mom to stay home with the baby. Saves a lot of the expense and difficulty, and still shows strong support for the cousin who is getting married.
The fact that you remember that this nephew showed up for your child’s wedding, kind of shows that meant something to you. Any normal person would let this couple “off the hook” for coming. But any normal human would TOTALLY appreciate the big effort to come!!
By the way, the-almost-2-months-notice? That’s plenty. Think about funerals and all sorts of other events that have far less notice. It’s fine not to come, but that shouldn’t be the reason. It doesn’t sound like the issue is that they have a conflict due to insufficient time to plan. So that aspect, I’d just forget about. They didn’t give a lot of notice because they are planning a more laid back last minute ceremony. So be it. I’m sure they won’t hold a grudge for those who can’t come. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth the effort. The older I get, the more I realize the value of family!!!
By the way, I don’t mean to imply my in-laws aren’t capability of driving me crazy 
. Of course they are!! I just do my best to be my biggest self!!!
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We absolutely are so pleased that this cousin and his now fiancé came to my son’s wedding.
He has 2 siblings, one is a youth sports coach and had to work that weekend. The other sibling was in college and wanted to decide to attend at the last minute depending on their schedule. I said that didn’t work because the kids needed a count 14 days before the wedding for their sit down dinner.
Of course we remember that he showed up. With his girlfriend who was in medical school at that point. They RSVPed in a timely manner.
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