We were disappointed when some of H’s cousins, with whom we are close, weren’t able to attend D’s wedding. However, we weren’t upset … we simply would have enjoyed sharing the event with them. We are fortunate that missing family events is not considered a slight in either of our families. If someone can’t make an event, no one bats an eye; it’s assumed they have a reason (if it’s not offered, no one will pry).
However, I will say that I had to force H to give up a European ski trip we were planning when his sister decided to get married again on relatively short notice. We were early in our careers & didn’t have enough vacation time to do both. He said that he’d already been to a wedding for her, and he didn’t like her H-to-be. I told him that his parents & S would absolutely not be okay with his choice if the ski trip won out. We never did get to take the trip, and H brings it up when his BIL gets on his nerves!
Ha ha this reminds me that when my best friend was getting married (for the first time), the engagement party was at the same time as an important annual fun weekend for him and his fishing buddies. He came to the engagement party begrudgingly—largely begrudging because “he knew the marriage wouldn’t last”. I also suspected that. We were both right. But even though he jokingly reminds me about that and that he wishes he fished, he doesn’t really mean it. He knows it meant a lot to my friend that we were there together, and he’s had that same fishing weekend now for about 30 years, so missing one was no tragedy. So we are able to together jokingly rue the lost fishing weekend for a marriage that didn’t work out. But the best friend appreciates our support, and how we supported her during her 2nd—-and seemingly lasting—wedding/marriage, although this one was expensive and inconvenient for us to attend. Showing up is worth it!! No regrets years later for being there.
Yes they do. That’s not necessarily most people (especially with professional jobs as I have a hunch this son has), and doesn’t seem to be the problem in this case, either (OP mentioned he has “limited” vacation time, but not that the issue is that he has to give his employer something like 3 months+ notice……it seems the family has had approximately 2 months notice and I don’t think that is the problem. It may be more of an issue that this kid only has X weeks of vacation and he’s already spent some and he’d prefer to spend the remainder in other ways such as with his sweet new nuclear family, etc., completely relatable!!) . Overall, 6 weeks to 2 months notice for professional people is sufficient to cover a weekend wedding which might just require taking Monday off.
My son has 3 weeks of vacation. He was downsized at the beginning of Covid and just started this job a year ago.
He spent 2 weeks when the baby was born as this company has no paternity leave. It’s a small company. His father in law also died this year. He got 2 days bereavement. He took one day when he passed away and 2 for the funeral. So I think his vacation time is down to 4 days. It’s May. Been a rough year. He’s an engineer
My daughter’s boyfriend is a physician. He’s a first year attending, he has to schedule his time off 6 months in advance. His call schedule is not flexible.
Thankfully, my daughter, also an engineer has a great boss but again only 3 weeks of vacation. She will have the most flexibility and she can work from home occasionally. Like I said, she has a great boss.
If I was to give them any guidance, it would be to skip the wedding, send a nice gift and card, and stay home with their own immediate families instead. Bc it definitely sounds like they are very limited in their schedules etc and with your S especially I wouldn’t want to rock the boat in a (somewhat) new job and since it’s a small family owned business.
Also, many of us would prioritize a baptism lower than a wedding. But also….21……who is going to begrudge a 21 year old a fabulous Miami weekend??? As long as they’ll share the fun details, at least!
The great thing about my son’s no paternity leave is that his company has an office in Europe, I think Germany but it could be another EU country. Those employees get 4 months of paternity leave. Paid.
Because my son works for the American office, and our country doesn’t offer paid leave, he got to use his limited vacation time. He hadn’t been there long enough for FMLA and I think he was reluctant to try.
I would’ve gone to the European ski trip, fun weekend with the fishing buddies and Miami! No reason that y’all couldn’t have gone to each of those things. We are big on sending family representatives. That would’ve been each of y’all’s roles here.
Yes, for sure it’s a “big spend” if your son is down to 4 remaining days of vacation for 2022 and probably would need to spend 1 of those on this wedding (seems pretty unavoidable to take the Monday off given the timing of the Sunday afternoon wedding). That is clearly a big investment in this cousin. Maybe he could get lucky with a late Sunday flight, maybe not.
For your daughter, thankfully it sounds like it’s not nearly as big a deal for her to attend, in terms of vacation time. A big deal for her boyfriend, but I think most of us think it would be beyond utterly acceptable to say “sorry my boyfriend can’t come, he’s an attending physician and couldn’t get time off”. So she can just take the Monday off (or maybe call Monday a “working from home day”??), and attend her cousin’s wedding without major repercussions.
These decisions are not easy, in the short term they almost always just seem like a pain-in-the-butt. But I still think in the long term, they can be very valuable and not regretted.
PS also, such a hardship for your son to see his co-workers get 4 months off for paternity, and not have that apply company-wide!! I’m happy seeing paternity leave get more generous over time at many places. But of course, back in the day, my husband had zero paternity leave and I don’t think we thought twice about it. He took some vacation, and it was fine. Better to have things improve now, for sure!!! I don’t doubt that makes your son annoyed to see the disparity!!
I think they should make the call and you and hubby should back them up on whatever they decide. I have a family that became my family away from home during college (heck, the one son married my best friend) and 23 year old me got invited to a wedding that was 5 states away. When i looked into going, it was going to cost me like $900/pp just for the flight, yet alone my hotel. I had to respectfully decline, even though I really really wanted to go. They understood. I will be inviting them to my wedding. I assume they’ll come if they can, and if not, that’ll be okay too. They are only 1 state away now.
Dead horse anyone? It’s no one’s business what any adult decides regarding any type of invitation. Ever. RSVP and move on. What anyone else thinks is irrelevant.
Oh, for many of my family, it DOES mean still 8+ hours of work, but much more flexible in terms of timing. So if a flight is involved, it’s still possible to get a full day’s work in, despite the wonky timing and logistics of the flight. Like a flight that is from 9 am-12 , it’s still possible to get early morning work in, some work on the flight, and some afternoon/evening work that all adds up to a full day’s work. But you’re able to get the travel done AND the work done. YMMV, but work from home often enables greater flexibility getting work in without having to take time off. . I think that’s one of the great benefits people are feeling from this! But perhaps it’s not possible for everyone who has that option…
Of course, that’s why I said, she could take Monday off or “MAYBE” she could call it a “working from home day”….it would depend on her ability to get her work done and her company’s willingness to accept unusual working hours. May or may not be acceptable…thus the “maybe”.
When my Mom turned 80 we decided to take her back home to Asia to see her relatives. We asked our kids and their SOs to come. Everyone came except for my nephew and his wife. They wanted to save their vacations to go to London that year. My sister did all she could to get them to go, which I clouded paying for their trip.
It was a very memorable trip for us. We visited the place where my parent went on their first date and visited my grandparents graves. There were some mishaps but with a lot of laughs. Five years later our kids still talk about it, and it’s an experience my nephew would never have. My kids tell me that sometimes they wished they didn’t have to go on some of our family trips, but later they were always glad they went. As adults, they make every effort to be there.
Young people can be shortsighted sometimes. I think it’s ok for parents to remind them that showing up is important. I am sure most of us have shown up at our kids events when we had other priorities.
But, your nephew didn’t plan this trip-YOU did. It sounds like a wonderful trip but your nephew may have also had a great trip in London , doing something he wanted to do.
