That’s ridiculous!! Your mil doesn’t have her own son’s phone number? And won’t take it?
That is seriously messed up.
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Adult kids make their own decisions. Even my daughter (who lives with us with her 2 year old) can make her own decision about attending her brothers wedding which is next year in Cabo. Your husband needs to back down and let them make their decisions.
I know I have a sister that makes her adult children attend things that the other people attended of theirs. There is no discussion. I wasn’t allowed to go to my nephew’s graduation because I had been working in mission control when my niece graduated and couldn’t go to hers because it would show favoritism. So if they go to one cousin’s wedding they have to go to them all.
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When I was working I had to choose my call schedule one year in advance. If something came up (funeral FIL 1000 mi away, school event, illness), I had to change (and beg a coworker) to take Christmas or an additional holiday again!
My mother made us do all the visitations and I swore I would never do that to my kids. It was one of the worse parts of my upbringing.
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I totally disagree with the idea that if you go to one cousins wedding, you have to go to them all. Situations change, and you need to evaluate what makes sense for each occasion.
If you had a job that precluded you from attending one wedding, I think it would have been fine to attend a wedding when that condition no longer existed.
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It is so interesting to read all the varying opinions. I don’t see anyone saying that the OP’s kids HAVE to go to this wedding. OTOH, I don’t fault the dad for letting the kids know that is important to him for them to come, as long as he also adds that he understands if they can’t make.
I agree with those that say showing up is important and is appreciated. Of course, folks understand if you can’t make it. It is important enough to me that we have worked vacations around weddings for family and for dear friends. We are going to the opposite coast twice this summer for weddings (one postponed from 2020 so we still have those tickets to use). Celebrating good things with family is important. Otherwise, it may only be funerals when you get together.
The WFH suggestion was to allow the daughter to have some flexibility in her start time. For many, but certainly not all, WFH days the hours when the work is done are not fixed. If she didn’t want to fly home late Sunday, she could take a half day of vacation or work into the evening hours to meet her 8 hours.
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I agree that showing up for family events is important, and I tried to convey that in raising my children. Through high school and even college, I would make my expectations for their participation clear. But once adults are out of school and established in their own lives, I respect their autonomy in such matters and do not offer an opinion unless solicited. OP mentioned her children were married with children of their own, so I would defer to their judgment for themselves.
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Once they are up and out of the house (and off the family payroll), I think it varies a lot by everybody’s relative financial resources and how much it matters for a specific event. Our oldest ones are technically financially independent now- but in a just-getting-started way. When there was a family event that I thought was really important, knew was beyond their budgets but within mine, I offered to pay for it.
But, in general, the parent generation gets that the next generation will come to things as they are able- same as when it was us!
If your husband had a lot of family close by growing up, he probably has different expectations for what is reasonable. My family was scattered from California to New England and only one cousin made it to mywedding - all my aunts and uncles were there though. And that was fine.
It sounds like the OPs kids have very legitimate reasons for not being able to attend. They should send heartfelt regrets. I love the idea of setting up a zoom camera.
Because of Covid, my kids had a Zoom only wedding and it was really quite sweet.
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Never in my life do I want to put the value of a relationship into a one day event. Relationships are so much more than a one day celebration.
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Me too! I think they are nuts!
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I am that person who misses most events because my work schedule for 15 years now is every Saturday and Sunday 7a-7p with another 2.5 hours total commute. Before that I did at least every other weekend and lots of holidays. If there’s something very important for me to attend then I will do my best to arrange something. I’ve long since stopped feeling even a little bit bad about missing anything. I have most weekdays off and was lucky enough to spend a lot of time with my D when she was little never worried about child care either. Most anybody important in my life knows about my schedule and will give extra notice for events. I’m sure the cousins understand why your kids are unable to attend the wedding. It took my mom a long to learn and accept what healthcare workers live like but she came around, really she had no other choice. Good luck with your husband and congratulations on the new baby!
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One point that might not have been mentioned is that sometimes, when a wedding has a high per-plate charge, it is not necessarily a terrible thing when some of the invitees decline.
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I so agree. Twice I have attended the ceremony (wedding, Bat Mitzvah), but not the dinner/party.
When my DIL wanted an evening wedding, and chose a Sunday evening one, I told the couple that many of our relatives would not be able to make it. One couple left very early Monday morning. Another cousin came alone, leaving her children with her husband. Many of my son’s friends did the same.