Adult children and heartbreak

Parent Cafe
1

I am really hesitate to post and have started and stopped a couple of times. I know I will receive tons of support but hate to put things out there on a public forum.

My 26 yo daughter recently broke off a 5 year relationship. There were many reasons but some were his reluctance to commit to buying a ring and his inability to grow up. He’s still in graduate school and should be (hopefully) graduating next month. They were fighting every day about these and other issues they had. D finally had enough and broke it off even though maybe the timing was bad.

D seems to be doing ok. She’s sad but moving on. Going out with friends and trying to make a new life.

The problem is that he’s not moving on. He keeps texting her and telling her how sad he is and how she is the girl he wants to be with forever. He even texted a picture of himself to her looking really sad. He tells her he isn’t sleeping and often texts her in the early morning hours.

So what is my issue, it’s twofold. One is how do I support her? I listen to her but am not sure how to respond to her when she asks how to deal with his repeated texts. The other is how does she know when this moves to harassment?

Today, I am starting to feel that his increasingly desperate and pathetic texts are becoming more and more dire. When do you worry and how does she deal? She was ignoring his texts but responded to one this morning. He asked her if he could email her (at work) with what he was feeling. She told him no, she was working.

This was her text to me, “I just wish I knew what to say to make him move on and leave me alone”. After she told him no he couldn’t email her " he went off about how sad he was and who cares if I cry at work because he’s so sad all the time but he won’t embarrass her in front of her coworkers".

I also found out that her ex has a key to her apartment and her car. She is trying to leave him alone because she really wants him to finish his degree so that he can get a job and move away. His lease on his place is up June 1 and D feels that he won’t have options to stay so will have to at least move home.

I suggested to her today that she tells him that she can’t help him anymore and that he needs to call a counselor. D said that ex does not believe in counseling. Contacting his parents is also not an option because that was a major source of contention between them.

I think I have reasons to be concerned. D is 600 miles away. I have some other commitments and the earliest I could maybe visit is 3 weeks from now. I know D feels that her ex wouldn’t bring any harm to her and would tell me I am being silly. Not to worry.

But I am.

Sorry this is so long.

2

Oh Deb…what a heavy burden. I wish I knew what to say! I would be as concerned as you are. The fact he has access to her apartment would be my greatest worry - I would have her get her locks changed as soon as possible. I would also suggest she block his number from her phone. If her ex won’t seek counseling, perhaps a counselor could help her. This had to be very painful for her as well.

Big, huge hugs to both of you.

3

Yes to changing the locks. Now.
His parents wanted him to go to counseling? And this is a MAJOR source of contention? She cannot fix him. I hope that she knows this.
You should be thrilled that your D is moving on. This is tough to do but the best thing that could happen.

4

You are reading the signs right: change the lock. He may not stalk her, but you just don’t know that. And of course if she stops responding, he probably will just show up at her home to “talk”. I don’t think changing locks will upset him. He should expect at least that.

This is awful for her.

5

I am happy she is moving on, for many reasons even before all this came up. Thanks for the support.

The problem with his family is that they are controlling and very dysfunctional. I went back and reread my paragraph about ex’s family. No his family and his strange relationship with them was a problem in D and ex relationship. The parents don’t believe in counseling. Probably because they know why off their family is. They all need help, IMO

I will talk to her about changing the locks. She is moving and is giving notice. The building she is in has electronic locks, I wonder if it would be easy to change.

I think that D thinks the texts are just annoying and not something to be so concerned about. I’m beginning to wonder.

6

Tell you D “honey, I wish I had a quick easy set of things for you to do to solve this - but I don’t. However here’s the one thing I want you to do for my peace of mind and yours - please get your locks changed - here are two locksmith phone numbers for your area”.

Is your D sure she is “done” with this guy? Would there be any value to her asking him to give her a little space - and him too with graduation looming - putting some space between them for the next few weeks - when maybe he won’t be feeling so frantic and desperate with all these life changes? Was the break up kind of sudden? Is he in shock?

Totally understand your concerns. Totally valid - even if nothing becomes of the concerns.

Apparently he thought he could keep riding the “dating” lifestyle forever without commitment?

My 27 year old D reaches out to me a lot. I’m glad she does. But there are times when I want to say (for every text or conversation that she is annoyed at!) - could you find a plan B person for a bit to share these with - I’m feeling overwhelmed without a solution to offer you! (because that is what we want to do - offer solutions!)

7

How recently did she break things off? If it’s a week or two, I guess I can understand his constant texts. If it’s more than that, I would suggest that she block his number. I agree that the first thing she should do is to get the locks changed. You are right to be worried. You never know how someone is going to react to a situation like this and although she doesn’t think that there is any way that he would harm her, she just cannot know that for sure.

Big hugs to you. Being far away is so tough.

8

To explain Abasket. D did try to salvage the relationship and she did try to stay with him until he graduated. That is what ex wanted. But it was sucking the life out of D, so she finally cut things off. It was not a surprise and D laid out very specific terms for him that he could not or did not want to do. She wasn’t trying to change him, but had certain doable things that he needed to work on.

Actually reaching out to me about this issue is out of character for D. I did not know the depth of the issues she had with her ex. She very recently began sharing what was happening. Hence some of my concern, because she doesn’t usually voice concern.

9

Break ups on the day of social media and cell phones is a whole new ball game. It’s just too easy to have contact. I agree that if its a recent breakup in the past week, I’d be less concerned as he’s trying to convince her to come back. She needs to make it VERY clear to him she doesn’t wish to get back together. That means not responding to his texts, calls, etc. In the old days, all folks had was a landline.

I think she needs to tell him that although she hopes they can still be friends sometime in the future that they can’t have contact right now and that he should not contact her at all for 30, 60, 90 days - whatever timeframe feels right to her. That if he does make contact she will block him (or just go ahead and block him).

I wouldn’t call him a stalker yet, unless its been weeks since the break up and unless there is past behavior that is concerning. I’ve had kids on both sides of the breakup and I know its tough for both parties to go cold turkey and there is often a little back and forth after the dismissal by one side.

10

Deb, as a practical matter, I would think an electronic lock would be easy to change the combination on. I would encourage her to contact the management company about this as soon as possible. I don’t want to be an alarmist, but you just don’t know.

11

The final breakup was Easter weekend. So it’s been 3 weeks. I wasn’t concerned at first but wonder how long D should let this go on.

12

If its been 3 weeks, I’d also ask what role is she playing in the continued contact. Over that time, how responsive has she been to the calls, texts, etc? Of course her safety and security comes first, but lets not vilify the guy as a dangerous stalker after a 5 year relationship based on that alone. That’s longer than many marriages. Has your daughter set clear boundaries regarding contact?

13

What @doschicos said! ^^

To me he sounds like he doesn’t completely respect boundaries and there is some manipulative behavior going on.

The only answer for that is stronger boundaries.

Your daughter set her boundary (a relationship moving toward marriage which is entirely reasonable at their age); he didn’t want to honor that boundary but still wants all the perks. When your daughter set the boundary of no more perks without the commitment, he is now attempting to plow past that one too.

She needs to tell him no more contact going forward, at least for the foreseeable future. And yes, I would change the locks immediately.

Of course this is hard for you, as her mom. My heart goes out to you. Just try to stay calm and supportive, without pushing her in any certain direction. I would just give her good info about what healthy behavior looks like (if she asks which it sounds like she has).

14

Wow, @deb922 - are you sure that your D’s ex and MY D’s ex aren’t the same person?

I could have written your post two years ago. D’s last boyfriend sound very similar to your D’s ex-boyfriend in that he was very upset and kind of stalker-ish when D finally broke up with him. (I say “finally” because their relationship was a long series of three-month break-up cycles in which he decided he didn’t love D any more and then would be very remorseful/ repentant when they broke up. D also believes that the ex was depressed, but he absolutely refused to go to any kind of counseling.)

Anyway, when D finally tired of the drama she ended the relationship. At that point, the ex - who was totally shocked that D really meant to end it this time - started showering her with gifts, “bumping into her accidentally” when she was out with friends, and waiting for her at her office after work. He also emailed my husband and me to “apologize” for how he had treated our D and to tell us what a wonderful girl she is. He also asked us to “help” get them back together – as if. Later, D found out that he constantly texted her friends to help him win D back and then to ask if there was another man in the picture.

Tl;dr.

All this to say, I know how you feel. It’s awful when your child is going through something that you’re afraid may be more serious than a normal break-up; it’s even worse when you’re far away (I’m 400 miles away from D) and you get these heart-rending texts and phone calls. I would definitely get the locks changed at her apartment; if she thinks you’re overreacting, just tell her yes, you are overreacting, but could she please do it for your peace of mind?

I get the question about support – in my case, I just let me D dump all her sadness and worries on me even when it really hurt my heart. When she asked me explicit questions, I gave her my honest opinion (“Yes, you did the right thing.”) If you think his texts are borderline-stalkerish, tell her that. I found that my D really needed a sounding board to validate her feelings; I know that she always felt better after we’d talked, even if I felt worse.

As for the when actions become harassment, that’s tough. If he physically starts “showing up” where/when he shouldn’t be, I think that’s a sign, but that may be too obvious. I say, let your feelings be your guide – don’t discount your gut instincts.

Hugs to you. I know how sad it is when your child is sad and how impotent you feel when you’re so far away.

15

I think it’s just good practice to get both of these changed after a difficult breakup.

16

Thanks. I’m out and on my phone so I can’t say too much now. But great and thoughtful ideas. @scout59, wow, thanks so much. Your post was so helpful. Many parallels to this situation

17

Please have her change the locks. He’ll only be upset about that if he tries and can’t get in and then you’ll know you did the right thing!

18

Deb, first, hugs. It is so hard when your kid hurts. I think reprogramming the lock is a prudent idea. Trust your gut feelings on this one.

19

Exactly. And if he never tries to get in, then nothing is lost (except some minor $$$).

20

New locks, block his email, block his number. And contentious or not, if I were you I would contact the parents to let them know about his behavior. Not in a accusatory way, but in a “we are worried about HIS well being as well as hers”.