I disagree with contacting his parents. OP’s D and ex are well into their mid 20s. Unless, I thought someone was suicidal, I wouldn’t be reaching out to his family. If I truly felt he was a physical threat to my daughter, the person to contact would be legal authorities, but the OP hasn’t expressed evidence of that yet. Let’s not jump the gun.
I disagree with contacting his parents too (barring some extreme circumstance like a suicide threat).
Taking the necessary precautions like changing the locks makes sense to me, but I agree it seems too early to label him a stalker. Let him mourn the loss of the relationship. This is going to include efforts to win your D back. A 5 year relationship is a very long one especially for this generation.
Signs of trouble would be when he starts showing up at her workplace, places she goes with her friends or following her. I went through this in my mid 20’s with an ex BF who was obsessed. At that point you file for a restraining order. It is very easy to do in most states and you can get one pretty quickly.
Contacting the parents seems like it would complicate things more, especially in view of the fact that they were an issue in the relationship.
If it is an electronically keyed complex that is managed by someone else, the manager should be able to remotely disable his keys/ cards, just as a workplace disables your keycard if you lose your card or if you leave. Changing the locks is not even required.
Has your daughter unequivocally told him to STOP contacting her? She may be consciously or unconsciously encouraging contact, without telling you that part. If he was a guy who wouldn’t commit and whom she was generally “pursuing” when they were together, some part of her may be gratified by the attention now, and she may be subconsciously encouraging it.
There’s nothing wrong with that but it would provide an innocent explanation for his continued attention.
To give an example, if she texted him, “Hi, just checking in; how are you doing?” and he texted back, “I miss you so much; I think about you every minute of the day,” etc. that would not be the kind of text that you as a mother should be alarmed by as evidence of incipient stalking.
Thanks for every response. Good to hear what is usual heartbreak and what is stalking. I wasn’t sure and this texting age is different for all of us.
I think D is trying to be kind when she deals with him but firm. That this is over and that he needs to move on. She does not text him first, and when he texts her most of the time she will not respond. I think that she has responded a couple of times to his texts, hours later, in a nice but firm way. It’s over, I’m moving on, you need to also.
My D was not pursuing him and she was honestly not pushing for a ring. He promised her a ring at a certain point. He was graduating and his career would not be in the area they are in. He wanted to be engaged and planning a wedding when he graduated. But when the time came that he picked, he was unable to buy the ring. He told her he had anxiety that it would be wrong. D sent him a picture of a ring she liked. She told him she would love any ring he picked out.
There is more to this. He had things he needed to do for graduation. They weren’t being done. He was not looking for a job. He was being more upset about graduation and anxious about everything in his life. I think he is depressed or has some issues with moving on with this phase of his life. It got too much for D.
I really don’t have much of anything else to add as you have excellent advice. I do think that with texting, the level of constant communication may be construed to us as being stalkerish, but is normal for them. It’s probably more just annoying to her, as she’s been telling him to move on. I totally understand your concern, anyone would be. If after a week or so it hadn’t let up…then she may consider a block. At some point she might want to tell him stop it completely or she will block him…then do it. For some reason, he may not be taking her seriously.
Not taking sides or anything but after reading your last post Deb922, it sounds like he was struggling with some anxiety (very common) and perhaps stressed at this next step(s) in life - graduating, getting a job, maybe committing to your D - he may be not panicking that their relationship is “one more” thing he has messed up on - he may feel like he’s drowning in “incompletes” - graduation, job, relationship, etc.
That of course is not your D’s problem to fix, but maybe is a little insight to where he is at. And struggling. ???
OP, I am sorry that you are stressed and completely understand. I think this is a great opportunity for your D to learn how to set boundaries. If she doesn’t want to hear from him then she can and should block his calls/texts. It’s really simple. She has a very easy solution. She can then see how he responds and whether she needs to be more concerned. Definitely change locks - agree with others on this. As a parent, I’d be thankful this happened now. I doubt it would have been magically resolved. Good luck!
Definitely agree about changing the locks on the apartment AND the car.
I think she should also tell him that the contact needs to cease completely in order for both of them to separate and move forward. She needs to follow up on that by blocking him. If she continues to engage, no matter how nicely, he likely will NOT stop with the texts. Strong boundaries need to be put in place. Down the line, when both have completely healed, maybe that can be relaxed a bit, but imo he will not take her seriously if she doesn’t show him with strong, firm action (vs. words) that she means business.
I think Abasket hit the nail on the head.
I will talk to her about setting boundaries. She was holding off on this conversation as she wishes for him to complete his graduation requirements and doesn’t want to upset him more.
There are other things that he still has of hers and she has some things of his. Ending a 5 year relationship is hard and sometimes sticky.
You said he texts her at inappropriate times (early morning hours). That’s harassment. She does NOT have to put up with this. If he doesn’t accede to her desire not to contact, she needs to block him. It’s supremely simple.
On an iPhone, simply go to the Contacts list. Click on his name. You’ll see “send message, share contact, add to favorites, block this caller.” Hit “block this caller,” it will ask you to confirm that you don’t want to receive phone calls, messages or FaceTime requests, confirm. Done and done. I don’t know other phones, but I would imagine they would have similar settings / options.
Her peace of mind is being driven mad by this guy; she doesn’t need that. Good luck!
Are there inappropriate times to text? Honest question as I’m not up on what all the “texting etiquette” is. I personally wouldn’t draw a distinction between texting times and email times but I’m not a big texter. :-??
If she hasn’t set clear boundaries and told him specifically not to contact her than calling it harassment seem like a stretch still. I would assume they need to arrange a time to swap off belongings, etc. It seems to me a clean break has not been made yet.
They did spend five years together - I think I might be more disturbed if someone WASN’T upset about the breakup!
Also - not to defend him - my kids often will text me at times they know I’m not awake and available - but it’s when they are thinking of something - they figure I’ll see it when I AM available. She can also set her phone to not receive texts at odd hours - even just from him - so she doesn’t lose additional sleep over the texts. (I’m not 100% sure how to do that - it’s some privacy setting - my kids keep telling me to do this so I am not disturbed by texts late at night when I’m asleep from them!!!)
I think waiting to set boundaries is a mistake. Whether or not he’ll be upset isn’t in her control, and there will always be something that will make the timing bad.
My niece went through something similar. She dated the same guy all through college. He was talking marriage, but he had a jealous streak and she finally got tired of it. When she broke it off, not long after she graduated, he texted her all the time, too, about how sad he was. She took a job in another state and that seemed to work because his texts to her dropped off and eventually stopped. But when she returned to the area over a year later (for a bridal shower for mutual friends) and mentioned she might return for grad school, he immediately started talking about getting back together and the possibility of getting married. Some people take any nonnegative sign as a positive one. And others will read positive things into any contact, even a negative one. If she’s really not interested getting back together, she should stop responding to his messages.
I treat texts like phone calls – made only between 9am-9pm except in emergencies.
My phone is set up to ding when I get a text. I don’t like to turn the sound off at night, in case a call regarding elderly parents or kids comes in. Don’t want to turn the ding off because want to hear during the day if something comes in while I am not actually holding the phone. So yes, middle of the night is bad. Once kid texted, “Ow, ow, ow, I hurt my arm” at 2 am – it was broken. ;( Her BF knows perfectly well that is a bad time for her and it will wake her up.
If it’s an iPhone you can set it on “do not disturb” which will prevent any sounds, but settings for it allows you to set “favorites” which will still ring, and you can also set it to ring if it’s the second call within 3 minutes from the same number. Or something like that. Anyway it’s a better option than turning off your sound altogether.
In your case, you have a reason for the ding, @intparent, but you could shut it off in different circumstances, right? My guess is he’s sending them at that time because it is when he’s feeling the worst. Nothing else occupying his mind and feeling lonely and hurt. Not a justification or an excuse but just an explanation as opposed to some nefarious, stalking behavior. It’s not unusual to get the 2am text from an ex, at least according to my kids’ experiences.
Is she REALLY done with him totally or is she looking for a commitment?
Is he a commitment phobe?
A friend from long ago lived with a guy for close to 8 years who wouldn’t commit. At all. She wanted a ring and kids. HE was happy with the status quo. Everyone around was “What is your problem? You love her! Don’t mess a great thing up!”
She finally made an ultimatum ----“My bags will be packed tomorrow and I’m gone. Period. You will see my bags on the front lawn and a taxi. I won’t be back.”
He didn’t believe her.
She did it. Big time. Moved out. Bags on the lawn and a taxi. Done. Over.
And then he came to his senses. Much to the relief of everyone who knew them.
Short story: They are now happily married for about 30 years.He begged his way back in big time.
I am not the most expert, but don’t think she could stop it from dinging just from him. She could block him completely, though.
She claims that even if he proposed today that she would say no. I truly believe her that she is done. I think the not looking for a job is honestly a bigger issue than proposing.
I think this is more about his inability to become an adult and breaking away from his controlling parents than the proposal.
It’s so hard to try and explain all the issues that weren’t working in her relationship. The non proposal was the tip of the iceberg.
I am very happy that she made this decision. It’s hard and I wouldn’t say we disliked him. But we had many many reservations about him.