"She can also set her phone to not receive texts at odd hours - even just from him - so she doesn’t lose additional sleep over the texts. (I’m not 100% sure how to do that - it’s some privacy setting "
In iPhone, go to Settings, go to Do Not Disturb.
Within there, you can set it manually or you can set it to be scheduled, e.g., every night from 10 pm - 7 am or whatever you choose. You can also still allow calls from your favorites (so that, for example, you won’t miss out if grandma calls in the middle of the night) and you can choose whether repeated calls from the same number will get through (e.g., there’s an emergency and someone calls twice).
If she is really and truly finished, then three weeks after the break-up is an appropriate time to block his number.
Of course change the locks.
If I was her I’d change my passwords on any account he might possibly be able to access. Mostly I’m thinking about social media accounts, but if they’ve been together for years then probably other accounts as well. Not because he’s a stalker, but because it finalizes things for both of them.
I’d also warn against speaking out too openly and too negatively about the ex-BF to your daughter because, although she says she doesn’t want it now, people often do get back together and then its hard to erase what has been said. That has happened in my extended family and I’ve learned by watching. You can, of course, listen and share your opinion about what’s best for your daughter when asked but don’t fall in to the trap of badmouthing and pointing out all the ex’s flaws.
People don’t have to be stalkers to suffer from control issues. Trying to contact her when he knew she was at work then trying to guilt her about not dealing with his issues on his schedule is controlling. She needs to block him and not respond to any message he does manage to get to her (through friends or whatever).
^ I agree with doshicos. Do not talk negatively about the ex. She was with him 5 years, She sent him a picture of the ring she wanted. She may say she is done with him but one never knows the future…I’ve seen this before too.
I would not consider texting at night wrong. I often get texts from my son late at night. I just turn off the text notification at night. No big deal. If someone needs to call then it “rings”.
It’s only been 3 weeks I would not consider this stalking. It sounds like he has many things going on right now. If she thinks he is going to hurt himself then she should try and find him some help. Otherwise she needs to make it clear that she wants NO further contact at all. Have her mail the stuff that is his back to him and have her forget about what he has of hers. She should tell him she no longer will respond to text or calls. This of course will only work if she is absolutely sure she wants nothing to do with him. Not even if he graduates, gets a job, grows up and buys a ring.
Any contact that she continues with him is most likely going him hope that they will get back together. If there is no hope then all contact on her end should stop.
Another “measure” may be to note if he seems to ease off - less texts, less calls. Both could be a step in the right direction. He may still be texting/calling, but maybe it slowly becomes less (hopeful!!)
Thinking back to when I was single…change the locks and completely cut him off. Sounds like she has already given him the speech and tried to be kind. Now it is time to be tough. Block the number. Don’t answer emails, etc. I also wouldn’t call the parents unless there is a self harm issue. These are adults.
For what its worth, I think she did the right thing, speaking from experience it sounds like he was into her because he wanted to be in a relationship and wanted her to be there to comfort him, etc, but it sounds like it was a one way relationship in that he didn’t want to commit, he wanted the stability of a regular relationship but didn’t want it to be a ‘full’ relationship, which sounds to me like someone who wanted the benefits of having someone without having to commit the other way. If he had told her "you know, I am graduating from grad school, I don’t know where I’ll be working or living, so I don’t want to get engaged at this time, but I do really want to go forward and when things stabilize, where we can plan a future together, then I think would be good’ I could respect that.
I think your D had good instincts from what you wrote, and I think his behavior after the breakup kind of validates it, he sounds very needy and emotionally immature in the way he is handling it, instead of trying to accept the fact that she needed something different, it sounds like he is trying to guilt her into staying with him, hounder her, try and make her feel bad about her decision and totally from what the OP posted, not accepting responsibility that he basically told her he wasn’t that into her, gave a bunch of excuses and whined instead of acting like an adult IMO (and yes, I realize I am hearing one side of the story, but having seen this pattern played out over and over, it strikes me as being true).
I think you D should make a clean break, she should get new keys (don’t assume he won’t copy them), though with a car that can be expensive if they are electronic chipped keys, and make a clean break, block his cell phone, block his texts, and with e-mail, if he writes, move those id’s into the spam bin, hopefully he’ll get the idea. I have to commend your D, it sounds like she emotionally was strong enough to realize when she was being jerked around, and said “enough”.
I agree that I’d change the locks for anything that he has a key for. It’s much better to be safe than sorry and hope that she isn’t guilted into maintaining contact. Clean breaks are actually kinder than “being nice,” and she needs to understand that. She is NOT responsible for his mental health and any poor choices he makes–he has to move forward and that was part of the reason for their breakup!
Yes, changing the locks will cost some money but definitely worthwhile and something to do ASAP.
I see no good coming from that. They’re not middle schoolers, and other people butting in on the end of their relationship will get ugly fast, imo.
I also would think long and hard about whether or not the “stuff” that they’ve left behind at each other’s places is worth going and getting. She’s lived without it for three weeks, is it really worth going through the angst of seeing him again to get it?
Your daughter sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders, and you sound like a helpful, supportive mom who is a good listener. Lots of good advice on this thread, too. I hope it works out ok and your D moves on and her ex BF does, as well.
I’d tell my D that it’s important enough for my own peace of mind for her to change the apartment and car locks that I will pay the cost. That generally gets my kids’ attention.
I hope your D made a clear statement in a text or email to the guy to not contact her again. Just one simple statement is all she needs to send, then she should block him. Making that statement in writing and saving the text/email would be useful in the event that the guy escalates his inappropriate behavior and she needs to talk to law enforcement. It may never come to that point, but being it’s easy enough to be prepared. I hope she also blocks him on social media and checks her privacy settings. Varying her routine a bit may be a good idea, too.
OP I might consider having your D contact one of his close male friends, if they exist, to encourage counseling or to check on him. Then I would follow all the suggestions and cut him off from texts, calls, emails, etc.
As an aside, my D was in Active Minds in college and they did a presentation for freshmen on several subjects. She said the counselors said that even though there seems to be more outward drama from the girls when they break up, that they usually get through it better than guys and that they see more guys in counseling center for devastating breakups. And guys seem to have a harder time getting over it. Maybe girls more likely to have a support group they feel comfortable sharing with. Without close friends or family to confide in (or since he already seems stressed) then his behavior may not be too out there. But I wouldn’t take the chance. Another vote for changing locks.
It sounds to me that your D has made a very good decision. Not only was the young man displaying problematic behaviors when they were together, he is now acting in ways I would find frightening if my child was involved. Hard to tell over the internet without direct observation, but I vote with all those above who suggest changing locks, blocking texts, varying routines, not attempting to retrieve items in his possession, etc. Better safe than sorry. Perhaps friendly contact can be established in the months or years to come if the young man demonstrates acceptance of the break-up and acts more responsibly, but I would encourage my child to avoid the ex for the present.
I have known a woman who was stalked by an ex. Not a situation you want your D in. Trying to be nice may just be confusing to her ex - better to make it clear.
Just want to add how hard it is to end a 5 year relationship. My son is going thru this. There is nothing more painful than the end of the first long term relationship.
At three weeks out, it’s time to absolutely stop answering any texts. Get the lock combination changed or his access discontinued, absolutely. Tell people she can confide in and trust to give him zero info. Honestly, if he starts showing up places she is, I’d consider a warning, then a retraining order if he fails to stop. He has to accept this. This always is the worst type person, isn’t it? Won’t commit but yet expects the other person to just hang in limbo.
Best wishes. I can only imagine how you feel. Given his recent behavior and this behavior, I’m sure she is actually relieved to not be marrying him.
While I’ve heard things have gotten better with friends/acquaintances who are younger than my generation(Late Gen X), a part of that is that many young males including yours truly in my generation and older were socialized to not talk about emotionally wrought situations at length unlike what I’ve observed of female colleagues/friends…especially negative ones or relationship issues as doing so will peg one as “weak” and most boys/young men aren’t socialized to be inclined to listen IME.
Worse, if a male is like a few male friends who are oblivious to this fact or can’t restrain themselves from complaining/discussing such issues to anyone without vetting them carefully first and being discrete about time/place, they usually find themselves socially isolated and yes, even ridiculed by other male peers for “being weak” and “lacking emotional self-control”. One older friend is still living with the negative fallout to his reputation socially and professionally even after several years.
There’s some truth to the stereotype that boys/men in friendship/peer groups prefer to just stay a brief statement about what’s bothering them and then perform a mutually enjoyable activity without much/any further discussion about it.
Only exception IME is if there’s a really close trusted friend…especially one who is older or otherwise one with enough gravitas to act as a “mentor” in discussing the issue more at length. Unfortunately, sometimes such a trusted friend/mentor figure doesn’t exist in one’s life or the male concerned due to pride or other reasons feel it’s better to “not bother others with his problems” and he should figure it out/cope/suck it up all by himself.
One ironic part is that I’ve not only acted in the “mentor role” in such situations, but also most of those seeking me to act in this role were OLDER than me…sometimes by a decade or more. It isn’t a role I always relish…especially considering some of the issues they confide in me are ones for which I have far less experience or feel just as/more uncomfortable discussing due to socialization influences from my own formative years.
I would not block him. If he is stalking her then it is better for her to know frequency of his contacts. At the same time, she shouldn’t respond to his emails/texts/calls. There is also no point of changing her numbers either because he would very likely get her new #. My kid had experience of stalking from someone who thought he had a relationship with her.
What I would suggest is for your daughter to change all of her PW for every single acct - FB, email, bank, etc. He could potentially do a lot more damage via social media and internet than breaking into her apartment. When I got divorced that was the first thing I did, I removed my ex from all of my accts and changed all of my PWs. I would also tell your daughter to make all of her social medias private - no tweet, instagram, snapchat, FB…
I would also ask your D if she has any compromising pictures/video with her ex, see if she could delete them from her devices and his. My mantra with my girls is NEVER have any compromising pictures, no matter how close they feel about anyone.