I just want to reinforce how fortunate your DD has u for a psycholical backup. It is so painful to end a 5 year relationship. Trust me, I know. I’ve been going thru this with my son. His g/ f is all about her future academic career. I think my son has never faced such internal,pain in his life.
@bookworm One of my daughter’s experienced the same issue in a 6 year relationship. So painful. Time heals though. 5+ years later DD is very happily married to a man who treasures her and she him. As her MIL puts it, “We all wish we were members of that club.”
I haven’t read the entire thread, but has she blocked his texts, emails and calls?
Bookworm, thanks for sharing. It is so hard. I thought teen age breakups were bad, but when they are young adults, it’s much more complicated.
@hoosiermom, glad to see how the other side of this looks. I have complete confidence that both parties of this relationship will find happiness, just not with each other.
To everyone who has responded and given great support and amazing advice, thank you from the bottome of my heart. I am overwhelmed but I knew this community would come through. You guys are great.
To give a bit of an update. She agreed with me on her apartment keys and assured me that her social media is private and respectful. And that passwords are hers only.
After telling ex not to email her during business hours, he ignored that and sent an email. D was very unhappy and was not so nice. I think she went off and was very clear that they are to have no contact, they were not getting back together and she wanted her stuff back. He did not try and contact her again, so I’m hopeful that he is beginning to see that he is not respecting her boundaries and that that she is not going back to him.
I wish that she could live without her stuff but unfortunately, he still have some expensive items of hers and there are some intermingled items that they have to straighten out. So blocking his number is not an option right now but as soon as things are figured out, I expect she will block his number.
And probably I am happier about this, ex told D that he has completed his graduation requirements and will be graduating. I am very happy that he is graduating as I was afraid that he wasn’t. I think finding and getting a job has to help him to move on.
He was part of D’s life for 5 years, we want only the best and happiest life for him.
Wow 5 years! And I thought my son’s 2 year relationship and my daughter’s more recent 7 month relationship was hard. But, I’m surprised she wanted to get married to this guy. Give him some credit that he knew he wasn’t ready and she didn’t make a terrible mistake. Good luck to your daughter for moving on and how lucky she is to have your support! good lesson to me who tends to get attached to the significant others.
On an Iphone it is very easy to change your text notification method for just one contact. It is basically a customized ring tone. Go to contacts and select the person you want to change. Choose edit, Scroll down to text tone and choose none. That way the texts still arrive, you can see them, but it isn’t going to ding at you and wake you up or distract you at work.
Also .if your D lives in a doorman building or one with a shared outside entrance, she might want to let the doorman and/or neighbors know it’s “over.” I know of two horror stories. In one a too helpful doorman let a guy he knew into the building, not realizing he was no longer welcome. In another, a “helpful” neighbor let a guy into the lobby to wait for his girlfriend when it was raining outside.
I notice you Didn’t mention changing car locks. This is important if she doesn’t want to be surprised by him.
You mention that he has some of her “expensive stuff.” How much money is “expensive”? It may be best for her to just mail him back his things and let him mail hers back or do as he sees fit (including keeping/discarding). “Expensive” for young people isn’t necessarily the same for others and it may not be worth the continued engagement, especially as it seems he’s having a tough time with the break.
I agree with telling everyone in her building and any doorman that it’s over and they aren’t seeing one another any more so he doesn’t charm someone into letting him in, where he can surprise her.
I find the OP kind of odd, after some later comments by the OP.
“There were many reasons but some were his reluctance to commit to buying a ring and his inability to grow up.”
But then later:
"My D was not pursuing him and she was honestly not pushing for a ring. He promised her a ring at a certain point. He was graduating and his career would not be in the area they are in. He wanted to be engaged and planning a wedding when he graduated. But when the time came that he picked, he was unable to buy the ring. He told her he had anxiety that it would be wrong. D sent him a picture of a ring she liked. She told him she would love any ring he picked out.
"
Yes, I’d be concerned if she were my daughter. It seems like her opinion of the relationship had changed greatly, and perhaps she wasn’t as in tune with his college as she should have been.
I was wondering about a few things:
- five years - was that five years living together? Or any time actually living together? That makes a HUGE difference, and some comments about “intermingled” items seems to mesh with them having lived together.
- how long was the denouement? Did she start breaking away from him slowly, and he didn’t notice, so she had to break it off?
In my experience, having lived with someone for several years in college, we never talked of marriage during college for many reasons. It just didn’t make sense. I didn’t want it, he didn’t want it. When we graduated, we made a logical decision to get married and we did.
If they did live together for a while, and there was no physical or emotional abuse, I can’t see blocking all his messages. I can see having a meeting with him and perhaps a close friend as backup to talk about him letting go of the texting and calling.
Finally - my friend is almost done with her divorce, and he bugs the HECK out of her. Texting her at work about stupid stuff (no, not about the kids). Sending her long emails that are totally off topic - if the people aren’t going to be together in a few weeks. This may be a reflex the OP’s daughter’s ex has - she took up a lot of time in his life, and he is trying to cope. Even as my friend’s STBX definitely wants a divorce, in a way he is being MORE communicative and it is driving her batty.
Hopefully things will settle down for both my friend and the OP’s daugther, when their respective ex’s learn to live their lives.
^^^ Two things…
On CC - as with any internet site where your relationship with someone is likely all online and not in real life, you have to rely on a/their history of posting, comments, questions, etc. to form an opinion about what kind of person they “might” be. I feel confident that the OP in this thread is reliable, sensible, caring and family oriented - so, I trust what she is sharing to be true.
And that sharing? This IS the internet. We ask a question - you might not get the entire background/reasoning behind the question - because no one is obligated to share every aspect of the personal situation in question. I’m sure @deb922 has more to her D’s relationship saga - but in posting, you share what you think is appropriate and necessary - and you protect the info that is not appropriate to share or necessary. So, if you’re building a case against ANY long personal thread on CC you are likely to find some “loopholes” per say - so we should give advice the best we can with the info provided…and the OP should take that advice with all their info they TRULY know and garner what guidance they can from it. 
Standing ovation @abasket! I have tears in my eyes. That someone I “know” on here, knows me so well.
I could respond to @rhandco but @abasket did it so much better than me.
@rhandco, I have no idea why you decided to pick apart my posts.
In other news, D has no heard from the ex since the email exchange. I hope everyone is trying to move on.
Bookmom, I hear you. S2’s GF of 4.5 years broke up five years ago and he still reels at times. No steady GF since. He says he really doesn’t know what happened. She was like a daughter. I still miss her, too.
At the same time, I have to respect her desire for no contact. Between S2’s GF and S1’s now ex-spouse, I don’t know how to approach a new relationship in the future. My heart was broken twice – it will be difficult to embrace someone else.
Deb922, glad to hear your D is taking care of herself and that the ex has graduated. One step at a time.
I always find these kind of things sad. I know its life and it happens but to go from a lengthy relationship to a situation with no contact…it just seems sad. If there is abusive behavior or something else dangerous or damaging, of course that is a different story. I always hope that at least down the road when hearts have mended that a friendship can remain.
HIMom’s suggestion of mailing things to each other is spot on. Or they need to meet on some neutral grounds to do the exchange a la Craigslist shopping. If your D decides to come to his apartment to pick up her stuff or he asks if he can drop it off, having a friend present with her should help minimize the drama that could unfold.
More hugs, deb.
I agree with doschicos …these situations are really sad and hard for both parties ( and parents sometimes too )
When my soon to be 26 year old daughter broke it off with her live-in BF at the end of 2014, I felt terrible for both of them. He was older than her and really wanting to marry her. It was difficult knowing that she was planning to break up with him before he knew too…he kept texting me about gifts he was getting her. He had a hard time moving on too.
Best of luck to your daughter, deb922, and also to her ex
Anyone else thinking of Gotye’s big hit “Somebody that I used to know.” I loved that song.
Sometimes AFTER a “cooling off period,” where both move on with their lives, they can have a friendship, but initially, it can be kindest for all to have a clean break. That is what worked for me and my serious boyfriends (we had contemplated marriage). We did establish cordial friendships after the initial hurt from the breakup.
I always hope that at least down the road when hearts have mended that a friendship can remain. >>>>
Really? That is just not my experience at all. For me, that would have been impossible.
It really depends a lot on the individuals and circumstances as to whether there is ANY future relationship. If so, great. If not, time marches on and time heals.
" @rhandco, I have no idea why you decided to pick apart my posts."
How about just that perhaps you, as mom, don’t know all that is going on in her head? I am not “picking apart your posts,” I am drawing attention to the fact that maybe you don’t know everything that is going on. If you are going to be so sensitive about what a stranger says on the internet, as you said, stay off it.
If he is stalking her, that needs to end.
If they have business to attend to, they have business to attend to. See my comments on my friend’s divorce.
As others said, you can support her but you can’t live her life for her. Does she not have friends her own age to confide in?