" Does she not have friends her own age to confide in? "
Some daughters confide more in mom than friends . Mine do , and also their sisters more than friends .
And for others, it’s the other way around. And then there are those who prefer to confide in friends on some topics but prefer to confide in their mothers or other family members when it comes to other things.
I see no reason why any of these patterns would be better or worse than any other. A lot depends on the personalities and relationships of the individuals involved.
Something that absolutely amazes me about my younger child is that, with only a couple exceptions, every girlfriend he has ever had, starting in fifth grade, is still in his life to some extent. In a couple of cases, it’s more than “some extent,” it’s a lot. He’s about to be the best man at one’s wedding (the groom is also his friend, and he introduced them to one another). He sees his penultimate girlfriend all the time – she works a few blocks away from him, they live walking distance from one another, and they still share many friends and interests. One went through a period of not speaking to him for years (which hurt him a lot) after coming out as transgender, but later got back in contact when they were in the same city for a while, and they had drinks or dinner together a few times.
Part of it is clearly that he’s a really nice guy. Another big part, at least through the first half of college, is that he was always a pretty incompetent boyfriend. Whether he broke up with them or they with him, many of the girlfriends were probably relieved not to have to deal with all the ways he fell short of their expectations as a boyfriend, and to go back to just liking him as a nice boy. No one ever really broke his heart after middle school, so he wasn’t angry or devastated about any of the breakups. No one ever thought he cheated on her.
I certainly couldn’t have pulled that off.
Ew, no.
When my first boyfriend recently tried to friend me on Facebook I declined and blocked him. That ship has sailed, buddy. There’s no spot he could fill in my life that my husband doesn’t already occupy, and I have enough friends (who I haven’t kissed!).
I am of the mindset that the husband/boyfriend/partner remaining friends with someone they used to have sex with is an immediate deal-breaker for me, as well. That’s a level of intimacy that can’t be unknown, and tints every aspect of a relationship even if you decide it should be platonic.
“I am of the mindset that the husband/boyfriend/partner remaining friends with someone they used to have sex with is an immediate deal-breaker for me, as well.”
I guess we greatly differ on this matter, @MotherOfDragons. I actually think its admirable if people can remain friends with exes. To me, the ones to watch out for are the ones that remain bitter, critical, angsty of past boyfriends/girlfriends. One of my kids learned that the hard way. The ex who couldn’t be friends with any old partners was a real jerk when it was time to break up and in the aftermath. Thinking back on this person’s past relationships and how he viewed them, it was telling in hindsight. Personally, I think its stranger that one can be close enough to be intimate with someone and have them be part of your life for a substantial chunk of time and yet find them unworthy of friendship let alone facebook friendship. Again, barring abusive, damaging, or dangerous behavior rather than splitting for being different people or wanting different things in life or a relationship. Different strokes…
^^My point is that there’s a reason you broke up with them, and if you combine that with the added aspect of being sexually compatible with them, no good can come of it.
I wasn’t critical of H’s past girlfriend. He wanted to stay friends with her. I said “I"m not going to share that spot in your heart with her, so you decide whether you want to put me there or put her there, but I’m not interested in sharing your intimacy (emotional) with someone else.”
I won. I’m not saying it’s right for everyone, but it’s a dealbreaker for me. I give him 100% of me. and I expect the same.
I should probably add that I have a few very close friends, and the rest are in the “friendly zone”. The friends and husband are thick as thieves, the rest are arms-length. Looooong arms length.
I am friends with a few former boyfriends from school on FB. That is in no way a threat to my husband , nor is being friends with my ex-husband…my husband gets along great with my ex. We didn’t get so lucky with my husband’s ex
I am friends with my former boyfriend on FB as well. Whatever bad blood we had has evaporated. I “like” pictures of his family and he does the same for mine. We’ve also PMed and it gave closure to a few things. My H knows all this and is not threatened in the least.
He has a daughter the same age as my kids and ironically she has the first name we were going to give our daughter when we were young and in love :-).
It never would have worked, since he converted from Jewish to Evangelical Christian, is very politically conservative and pro-gun and we’ve teased one another about that.
My other boyfriend pre-H isn’t on FB but I’ve had contact with him as well. He turned out to be gay and went through a rough time when he wasn’t able to come out to his family/friends and self-medicated w alcohol, which makes me sad to hear. He’s no threat either.
“am of the mindset that the husband/boyfriend/partner remaining friends with someone they used to have sex with is an immediate deal-breaker for me, as well. That’s a level of intimacy that can’t be unknown”
I have to be honest. It was so long ago, and I was so young, I can’t even remember the intimacy part. I mean, I know it happened, but it’s just not in the memory banks any more. I have zero fear I’d ever be titillated or intrigued or turned-on by this guy.
I’m FB friends with the guy I almost married. DH knows and is totally OK with it. Ex-BF and I were best buds in HS and started dating in college. I broke up with him after 2.5 years. We got back in contact about seven years ago via FB, and chat occasionally by PM, but mostly via public FB posts (and his wife is also FB friends with me). It’s all totally above board. We have many mutual friends, so it was inevitable our paths would cross.
Ex-BF was in the hospital for four months last year and while DH and I were in CA on vacation, I went to see him. He was pretty gorked out on pain meds, but I had a great day talking to his very nice wife. After all my guys went through when I was in the hospital, I have learned that caretakers REALLY need relief and support. She and I had much in common, both in good ways and in terms of the $#@* her H said/did to each of us. Some of the stories she told me served to confirm that I had made the right decision in following my gut long ago. She is his third wife and was on the verge of leaving him when he got sick.
He didn’t remember I had come to visit until his wife told him months later. Probably just as well. 
FWIW, my mom never knew much about my private life. We never had that kind of relationship. We got along, but it was never intimate. I totally get why OP would not want to disclose every detail here for us, and that she may also not know everything herself. Nevertheless, I’m glad she has the kind of relationship where her daughter can confide in her, and that OP feels comfortable enough to come to us for a reality check on her own level of involvement/advice.
I think you’ve gotten great advice and it sounds like things are cooling down some which is great. I hope that your daughter’s ex will come to accept that therapy can be very helpful because it sounds like he would benefit from some help.
I have a guy friend who got separated from his wife when their kids were in middle school. This guy moved out, but went back to their home to tutor his kids and spent time with them every night. Both of them dated other people, but when his mother died unexpectedly overseas, she took the kids to the funeral. Last year all of their kids went off to college. She finally re-married and he is moving in with his GF. He invited his ex to his milestone birthday. I admire them for how well they co-parented, and how they could remain friends after their divorce.
I have seen some fabulous divorces.
One friend remarried a trophy wife, and had a trophy child, and his ex-wife regularly babysat trophy kid for them. The ex-wife’s BF was a client of his, and his firm regularly hired the ex-wife as an IT consultant. The BF was a struggling entrepreneur, and the two of them basically survived on the consulting payments and alimony. Eventually, the BF’s ship came in, he married the ex-wife, and he paid for graduate school for his stepchildren. It was the best divorce ever!
This thread reminds me: When my mother-in-law got Alzheimer’s, and we took over her life, we learned that she had continuously remained in touch with her oldest daughter’s ex-husband for thirty years. The couple married straight out of college in 1970 and split up three or four fairly tumultuous years later. My sister-in-law barely had any contact with him since then, except finally to get a divorce in 1980 when she was pregnant and realized she couldn’t marry the father if they didn’t divorce. But he and my mother-in-law had never stopped writing back and forth, talking on the phone, and even visiting occasionally. She had met his second wife and their children. My sister-in-law had no idea that was happening; her mother never talked to her about it.
I thought that was a bit much, frankly. It wasn’t like she had a long, close relationship with him before the separation. They had never lived within 200 miles of each other, and pre-grandchildren she didn’t visit her daughter so often (or vice versa). I am not sure why they continued, and indeed deepened their relationship after he and my sister-in-law split up.
I’m glad I didn’t burn any bridges with my college boyfriend! After not seeing or hearing anything from him in 25 years we reconnected (and Facebook was not involved!). We both are recently divorced and it has been the most unexpected surprise. We broke up because our relationship had run its course after two years. I was never even curious about him until he contacted me. Life is strange and you just never know what’s around the corner.
@JHS , I consider my divorce and relationship with my ex to be one like you describe. It made things a lot easier for our two children as they grew up.
He also remains somewhat close to my mother. I have contact with some of his family members , including his parents.
Most ex BFs are completely out of my life and good riddance. But not all. It depends. Older son is like JHS’ child and is friends with his ex GFs. I don’t know how he does it.
My mother continued to be friends with my first husband after we divorced. They would exchange phone calls. To me, it felt like my mother was being disloyal–as if she didn’t accept my decision that the relationship was over. When I told her how I felt, she stopped contact with my ex-husband, who continued (for a short time) to try to keep contact. I was hurt by my mother’s behavior and it took me a long time to get over the hurt feelings. I admire people who can have positive relationships with ex-spouses. I couldn’t and since we didnt have children together, I guess I didn’t see any reason to try.
My grandmother was still friends with my mom and my other grandparents after mom and dad got divorced. I think once kids are involved people are more likely to see the “bigger” picture.
IMO, once kids are involved the ex is a relative not just an ex.
My ex’s second wife is not very comfortable with me , but then she isn’t that comfortable with his family either. She tends to put her needs/ wants before anyone else.