@chocchipcookie suggested this topic - timely for me as well.
For many families, having romantic relationships with people of other religions or races would not be an issue - and that’s great.
But for those of you who would be uncomfortable or disappointed or concerned if your adult offspring dated outside your race or religion, how do you handle it when they do so?
I am linking an article from yesterday’s Washington Post, which highlighted an extreme situation.
My thoughts on this topic are in flux. I was raised in a Jewish family where marrying Jewish was a requirement and violating this meant being disowned. (Of course, some of those marriages ended in divorce.) I would never go to that extreme, but it would be my preference that my sons marry Jewish. But I also recognize that may not happen. Having Christian grandchildren would be heartbreaking - I believe it would be a real wedge between us.
@chocchipcookie and I would love to hear from those who had a strong preference for their adult offspring marrying within their race or faith who had to weather a different outcome. How did you handle this? Challenges? Obstacles?
I am not a parent, but I come from a pretty homogeneous place/culture, where people pretty much don’t date outside their race/religion. My most serious relationship has been with a person of another race. I am extremely thankful to have grown up in a country where that’s possible.
I will say, I would choose love over family any time in these circumstances (the article), because I would not be OK with bigoted views, blood ties or no blood ties. I would think less of my parents if they objected to to my relationship because of race or religion. It’s just not what I believe in, and it would impact my view of them. I would probably choose to spend more time with in-laws, if they were more open-minded.
Also, it would bother me to no end if my parents thought it was up to them to decide what matters to me. If I don’t care/value religion/heritage in my partner, I am not going to put it on my list because of my parents - to expect me to do so would be selfish.
I am an atheist and I married a person who was raised in a religion but was basically an agnostic by the time we met. I know his parents were bothered by the fact that I was a person of no “faith.” Interestingly, my husband and his father are dishonest (examples, wanting to cheat on their taxes and on receipt of public benefits), whereas I am straight as an arrow on moral issues. I think my father-in-law has never liked me but, in his defense, it’s not merely because of my lack of religion. We’re just incompatible.
We are Christian. My S has dated Jewish girls more than once, so we have known we could have Jewish grandchildren. I can’t in my worst nightmares imagine thinking anything about them would be “heartbreaking.” I certainly hope that if you find yourself in the position you are imagining, that you get past that before your grandchildren, or their parents, know it.
I do think that in theory, people should make their own choices about who they love and who they marry - free from parental pressure. My own experience was very different - with strong objections by my parents to my attempts to date non-Jews and non-whites. I did have a serious relationship with a wonderful African American man in college - and kept it a secret from my parents. To this day, I resent the position they put me in.
Yet, I have seen several young men in our family marry non-Jews. The household becomes Christian and the children are raised as Christian - and the Jewish grandparents are the outsiders. That’s the scenario that most concerns me.
My daughter dated a man from the Dominican Republic for a few years. I was and am very fond of him. It would have felt a tad odd holding a chocolate tinted grandchild for the first time but I would’ve loved him/her I’m sure.
This is the most offensive thing I’ve heard in a long time.
I can’t imagine ever even thinking of such an emotion, it’s so very unnatural. I assume your children know how you feel and this puts a most unfair burden on them. You are saying if your kids don’t marry Jewish, you will disown them.
Reminds me of bevhills’ MIL, just different religion.
@garland - it’s being the outsider grandparent that I would find heartbreaking. I do have a son now with a serious girlfriend who has one Jewish parent, but was raised as a Christian. I adore her. I absolutely like her more than I dislike the fact that she is not Jewish. I fully support this relationship. They are young - marriage is certainly years away. But - how would I feel if they married in a church? How would I feel if my grandchild was baptized? How would my relationship with my grandchildren progress if they attend church and celebrate Christmas and Easter?
I se this exact scenario now playing out elsewhere in my family and it is not easy. The Jewish grandparents try to introduce Hanukah and Passover - and it’s like an oddity. Maybe the girls are always going to be close to their parents and the in-laws are always second tier. I just see the religious issue as a divisive issue.
I’m trying to find middle ground where I can be more reasonable than my parents without completely giving up on something that is important to me.
Religion doesn’t bother me much, as I’m not strong in a religion. I was brought up Christian, and I feel at home in a church. But as I’ve grown older, I just believe in God. Because of that I really wouldn’t mind my kids marrying outside their faith, as long as the wife and in laws respected completely my sons’ faith and our traditions…as we would theirs, and would participate as much as we could.
Race is different and I struggle with it. A couple of years ago my son wanted to date a girl of a different race, I’m sure she was a nice girl. But I put up a hissy fit, and we had a long talk with him in which we expressed our extreme displeasure. He dropped it and was mad at us for a long time. A month later I was helping decorate the prom dance venue and was talking to some girls I didn’t know…asking their names, then telling them my sons name.
One of the girls walked away and a few minutes later she came back with that girl…who just looked at me. I’m sure she wanted to see who I was. I tell you, in that moment, I felt like the most awful person in the world. I had looked this girl up, she was pretty, a great athlete, seemed quite popular and if my son liked her she must be nice. What a horrible person I was to have made this lovely girl feel like she wasn’t good enough because of her race. We say one thing and think we are one way…but are we really? What if someone had done that to my child? I just felt terrible that I must have made her feel that way. From that moment, I decided to never let my concerns interfere with who my kids love…unless I see them being mistreated. I didn’t like the person in the mirror.
I think every generation gets less and less prejudiced in all sorts of ways. My parents were against many things, I am less like that. My children seem to have no prejudices. Their children won’t even think about it…it is good.
I know a few mixed faith families and they try to include both religions. They celebrate all the holidays, they have menorahs and christmas trees (to be honest I have Jewish friends who have Christmas trees on their own).
Does your son know how important it is to you? If so, I don’t see why he won’t make it a priority to make sure his children participate in both religious where possible.
cbreeze, I think most grandparents want only the best for their grandchildren. If a person sincerely believes that raising children in their own faith is the best possible upbringing, then I can understand a degree of heartbreak at anything different.
One of my kids is dating a person of a different religion/culture. From the beginning, I have feared heartbreak for my child…I have this feeling that when the significant other is ready to marry, they will dump my child and seek a partner of their faith/culture.
My sister married a man of a different race. My parents were concerned about the marriage but not because of the different races; they were concerned because my now-ex BIL started dating my sister while he was still married. And infidelity did continue to be an issue. But race has never been a problem for anyone in my family. My nephew is mixed race. His step-siblings are mixed race. My sister continues to be close to her “steps” and the rest of our family likes them all, too. My own experience with different faiths and my sister’s with different races has solidified my belief that personality is so much more important than religion or skin color.
@cbreeze comments like yours seem like an attempt to shut down an honest discussion. Matters of faith are always sensitive but if you insist that opinions that don’t reflect your own are so offensive, maybe this conversation is not for you. I have no idea if you are a person of any faith at all but if not, you can’t possibly understand the depth of feeling and pain rockvillemom is describing.
Please don’t let this thread be shut down by making it into a “I’m so much more enlightened than you narrow-minded religious types” deathmatch. It happens all the time and it really prevents honest adult discussion far too often.
My father in law was a Jew and my mother in law is christian. So I wouldn’t care if my kids dated either religion. I have to say if the SO was a wiccan I would be concerned. I probably would keep it to myself though.
From the other side, my daughter felt so strongly about wanting to convert to Judisam that she actually wrote me a letter when she was 13. She was a bit heart broken that she really couldn’t convert until she was an adult but from that day forward she has tried to live her life to align with the tenants of Judisam as she understands them. I know that she doesn’t really want to attend our church but does so to honor her parents. She’s a very good daughter.
I hope she finds a good Jewish man with a family that will welcome her as a convert as much as we would welcome a Jewish sil!
In many cases, I think it’s more about the people involved than the religion. My husband and his ex-wife both went to 12 years of Catholic school. They divorced when their daughter was very young, and the mom married someone Jewish, she converted, and had 2 Jewish children. He asked to have their daughter baptized, and mom agreed, only if she could become Jewish if she chose to do so. He agreed, but she never became Jewish. In our case it’s worked out very well, because we get her on all the Christian holidays and she celebrates all the Jewish holidays with her mom’s family. One thing I do have a problem with, is she will tell people she’s Jewish when she’s really not. I wouldnt care if she was Jewish, but I’m afraid she’s going to offend people who actually went through the process of becoming Jewish. My son is currently involved with someone who lives half way around the world (12 hour time difference). I’m somewhat worried he will decide to move there, if they become more serious, and I will hardly ever see him. That would make me very sad, but he’s got to live his life.
@cbreeze - I absolutely never said I would disown a son who married a non- Jew. I would have concerns, yes. But I would try to work through them.
I do feel that it is challenging for non-Jews to understand the position of Jewish parents on this issue. When you belong to such a tiny minority group - intermarriage is perceived as a threat to your very existence. So, I have my own personal level of discomfort and then the larger issue on top of it. I have my own worries of being the Jewish grandparent excluded from the Christian family events and then I have my Jewish guilt about the dozens of family members - most of my father’s family - who were wiped out in the Holocaust. It’s not a simple issue.
I would have a hard time with anyone with a view that their chosen book of worship was Deity-ordained infallible. Even though my sister-in-law is Muslim, I would not want my daughter to be forced to wear a burka in public.
No Fundamentalists, no druggies, no felons. And what ethnic group has that gene that causes them to be really smelly even though they shower? Not that, either.
My family is multi-racial and it has always been great. However, we are Protestant and there has been a lot of marrying of Catholics, which has always brought conflict. My husband was raised Catholic but never cared, so he has been involved in my church for almost 30 years. I would t have compromised on that. His grandmother didn’t consider us married. My d is religious and is marrying a religious Catholic in the spring. There has been conflict and they have decided on a secular wedding, I’m not thrilled, but I would never say anything. They talk about splitting the future kids between religions, and I hate that more, but would never say anything about that either. I suspect my d knows I would be biting my tongue hard. She once dated a black man from our church and everyone was quite happy, but they were young and it didn’t last.