<p>I am a 49 year old woman whose parents divorced when I was twelve years old. I am fortunate that both my parents are still living, and both live in close proximity to me and my family.
I hate that I still feel the effects of their divorce thirty seven years after the fact. This is especially true during the holiday season. For example, my mother wanted to have Thanksgiving at her house this year. If she did so that meant that my father would not be able to have the holiday with my family and my sisters families. I told my mother this and offered to have the meal at my house. This upset her. I ended up having the meal here because I refuse to make my almost 80 year old father spend the holiday alone.
Hanukkah is not as problematic because there are eight nights. Last night I spent with my mother at her house and tonight I am having my dad here.
The worst holiday for me is Passover. My father is very involved in Judaism and my mother has nothing to do with it. As a result I have my dad over for the seder and my mother does not come. I always feel guilty about not inviting her, but if I do she just complains about my father the whole time and ruins it for me!
Do other adult children of divorced parents experience similar things?</p>
<p>I am an adult who experienced the flip side: Parents who hated each other and argued so much that my brother and I begged them to divorce.</p>
<p>My childhood holidays were ruined by their arguing and by dad’s absence until the evening (He probably was spending time with his mistress).</p>
<p>As an adult, when my dad still was alive, I did my best not to visit my parents on holidays because the atmosphere was miserable since my parents didn’t really talk to each other. Or to be more specific: My mother only yelled occasionally at my dad, who was mute after having a stroke. Mom was resentful at having to care for him.</p>
<p>I would have traded my experiences for yours.</p>
<p>Wow Northstarmom, thanks for sharing your perspective!!</p>
<p>Okay, I’ll share too. </p>
<p>My father passed away many years ago and my mother has some kind of mental illness where she alternatively calls or e-mails various people to shout at them for things that never happened and calls them various, vitriolic names. (She did this to one of my children who was 11 at the time…and had not seen this child in years…and it upset my kid so much (rightly so) that I had to put blocks on all e-mails from her.) She has succeed in alienating my entire, very large, extended family over many years and my family has no relationship with her. I have no siblings and my husband’s family is far away, so consequently we have no one to share any holidays with. I find this to be especially hard around Thanksgiving and Passover. Of course we have been invited to various homes over the years of distant relatives, but my kids don’t usually feel very comfortable because the particular relative has their own grandchildren to fuss over and the family that is there have a kind of familiarity with each other that is hard for a “guest” who is still family but still a “guest” if you know what I mean. We have Thanksgiving in a restaurant every year, and have done various things for Passover…last year we invited friends but I always feel like I am trying to “scrape something up” to make Passover special for my family and for me.</p>
<p>So I would also trade my situation for yours in a heartbeat! Having two parents that hate each other is very difficult, but at least they both dote on your and your children.</p>
<p>so true Ready to Roll, so true. And actually it is only my mother who hates my father. He is always gracious to her. I guess in the scheme of things, it isn’t so bad. I guess it was just on my mind today because of the holiday. Thanks for putting things in perspective for me.</p>
<p>My parents divorced when Sis and I were teens. Thankfully, it’s been peaceful between the two of them and Mom’s second husband. But, peaceful doesn’t necessarily mean stress-free. (Dad’s still addicted to gambling and Mom always does a Jeckyll/Hyde when she drinks. God bless stepdad; he’s a saint.)</p>
<p>I empathize for you holliesue, RtoR, and NSM. Please know that you’re not alone and it’s safe to vent to me.</p>
<p>NO matter the family dynamic, it seems like there is nothing like holidays to bring out the worst in those who affect you!</p>
<p>Whether it is in law families vying for who gets to spend which time with which kids, divorced families pushing and pulling over the same thing or intact families managing to make every one miserable, they all have one thing in common. These miserable people spread their negative energy (vitriol) to all of us. I wish there were a way to avoid allowing their behaviour to affect us, but I have to admit, despite 30 years of practice my in laws can still get my goat at holiday time.</p>
<p>My best Christmas ever was a few years ago when my parents came to our home for the first time in several years (one could not travel for a while) and when my MIL fell and could not come. Without FIL there everything was effortless and easy.</p>
<p>My in laws spent all of my DHs life making sure MIL got all the good dates and his bio dad got everything second best. Luckily his biodad was a classy guy and did not care which day her celebrated Christmas as long as he got to see his son. BioDad has been gone for over 20 years so that is no longer part of the equation, but the in laws put ther special magic on everything they touch and I send a big holiday hug to all of your dealing with ugly emotions caused by others!</p>
<p>To the OP…why not have a second sedar dinner the second night of Passover for the “other side” of the family?</p>
<p>I don’t think it really matters that much to my mother to attend a seder and quite frankly it is a ton of work for me to do two seder meals. (requires taking off half a day from work), so I’ve opted to just having my dad, who is very religious. sometime during passover my mom usually has us over for a dinner. Probably bothers me more than it does her that she can’t be there!</p>
<p>I wish all of you struggling with difficult family situations the best through the holidays. </p>
<p>I’ll share too. DH’s parents divorced after over 25 years of marriage with 5 kids…DH was 18 and just entering college at the time. Father in law was an alcoholic and prone to cheating on his wife. Mother in law blamed DH with much bitterness for choosing to live with his dad for a short period before starting college (neither parent gave him any financial support for college); he just didn’t want his dad to be alone. Misplaced and inappropriate; it seemed as though she just needed someone to direct her anger at. DH would always just say, “No matter what, he was still my father”.</p>
<p>We couldn’t even seat them at the same table at our rehearsal dinner. FIL died in our second year of marriage. Only DH, his oldest brother and myself attended the funeral. The other 3 siblings didn’t attend their father’s funeral due to loyalty for their mother. </p>
<p>MIL died a few months ago but every time DH talked to her over the past 25 years of our marriage, the convo turned to what a rotten scoundrel her ex husband was.</p>
<p>We’ve always lived several states over from my in laws so it was easier than having to deal with feuding divorced parents in the same community. We could never have had them at our home at the same time so I totally get how you’re feeling. Take care and best wishes to you. Remember to take good care of yourself and try to squeeze in some “me time”.</p>
<p>My parents are happily married, but tend to celebrate holidays on random days. For instance, this year Christmas is the 22nd. If they were nearby it would probably not be a big deal, but they are 500 miles away. It tends to wreck havoc on working and occasionally school schedules, so attendance is sparse. This year I’m making an effort to get there, but I’m not dragging the children, as one is just home from college, and still could use her sleeping, visiting, and shopping time, and is old enough to watch the high school age one, who will be working. </p>
<p>My late husband’s parents were divorced, so you would get the uncomfortable holiday choices on that side of the family. We have not spoken since my husband’s death. So I won’t be sitting through those strained meals again.</p>
<p>So our immediate family took to having holiday’s with our best friends, who have family on the opposite coast. We always have Thanksgiving together, and usually Christmas.</p>
<p>This year is taking on an interesting twist, as the guy I have been dating for the last 8 months would like me and my girls to join his family clan for Christmas Eve. My younger one is so excited, as she has always wanted the huge family with tons of cousins her age. The older one is willing to put up with it for the rest of us.</p>
<p>Next Passover you might try looking for a “second night seder” at a nearby synagogue. You don’t have to be a member at some, depending on synagogue policies. Book early as they have become quite popular. That way, you can dodge all the preparation work, pay your admission price for the meal-plus-Haggadah service, and tell both folks where you will be that night. They can join you, or not. Sometimes people behave slightly better when in the company of several dozen others. Or not. What to do on the first night? Entirely up to you. One year, due to many circumstances, I had a teeny seder with just my daughter. It was very satisfying in a new way.</p>
<p>Anyway, my heart goes out to you and all with these difficult holiday schisms, decades after a divorce! BTW I agree with you not to leave your dad alone on a holiday, just because Mom can’t give up the negativity for one night.</p>
<p>I feel your pain. My parents were in the midst of divorce proceedings during my wedding… the divorce started before we set the date and dragged on for a year and a half, right through the festivities. (Thankfully, my mother and mother-in-law get along splendidly… They sat the same table during the smaller wedding gatherings like the rehearsal dinner, talking about how terrible our fathers are…)</p>
<p>Mom couldn’t live on her own, either, so I was left with the task of ensuring her personal safety… Took away her car keys when I was 24, took away her apartment when I was 25 and moved her into assisted living, signed the papers to have the state appoint a legal guardian for her a week before Christmas, three weeks before the wedding, just before I turned 26. I have many blessings in my life and am a very fortunate person, but I figure I can at least serve as an “it could be worse” example for some folks… Having the care responsibilities for an incapacitated parent foisted upon you suddenly in a divorce situation is jarring.</p>
<p>There are support groups. Some good books, too. Not many, but enough. Most “adult children of divorce” groups and books are geared towards people who were adults when their parents got divorced, though, not now-adult people whose parents got divorced when they were kids.</p>
<p>Limits and boundaries, though… Consistent theme no matter what your situation. DH and I have a policy of not allowing bad-mouthing, and sometimes we have to be pretty strict to our parents (both sets are now divorced) about being zero-tolerance for hate talk. Sometimes you just have to set hard limits so you can live your life. Make sure that in being fair to your parents, that you’re also fair to yourself. Kudos to those who have drawn the line… It’s hard to do.</p>
<p>Life’s too short to live with long-term hate and anger in your life.</p>
<p>Book titles:
The Way They Were by Foster
A Grief Out of Season by Fintushel and Hillard</p>
<p>My parents divorced when I (the oldest) was 11. It wasn’t a nasty divorce. I go visit my mom around Christmastime (during which my other siblings are generally there too, including my 12 year-old brother who wants to see his older brothers and sisters during Christmas), and my dad during some random non-holiday time. My mom has always been more into holiday celebrations than my dad (it’s entertaining when the non-Jewish parent insists that we celebrate Hanukkah in addition to Christmas, even though we’re all atheists, and the secular Jewish parent thinks she’s crazy), so this configuration makes sense.</p>
<p>My parents, who were Christian, divorced when I was a child. My husband’s parents, who were Jewish, divorced when he was in college and each of them married a Christian shortly thereafter. At the time, we were already engaged and therefore expected to participate in the holiday celebrations of each other’s families.</p>
<p>My poor soon-to-be husband suddenly went from celebrating zero Christmases to four. He has been convinced ever since that the goyim go crazy in December.</p>
<p>Our wedding was also fun. There were seven people (four parents and three step-parents – my father did not remarry) glaring at each other all day. Their problem; not ours.</p>
<p>Oddly, though, there was never much fighting about who-goes-where on what holidays in later years – even after we had children. One of our four families had moved to a distant part of the country, and my husband’s mother died before our children were born. So we had only two families to deal with on holidays – and I had decades of expertise in doing that. I had grown up belonging to two families; now our whole household did – although they weren’t the same two families. And one of the two families didn’t care much about whether or not we were present; my father-in-law’s second wife had eleven grandchildren of her own, so there was plenty of chaos whether or not my own two were added to the mix.</p>
<p>This does not mean that you don’t feel the impact of divorce even many decades later. Wait until your parents die. In your standard, typical, parents-married-to-each-other family, the surviving parent handles the financial affairs of the one who dies first. In the divorced-parents situation, you will probably get to be the executor of both their wills and go through the whole tedious mess twice. Either that or you won’t get a dime because the money somehow went to your parent’s second spouse’s children from a previous marriage.</p>
<p>"Limits and boundaries, though… Consistent theme no matter what your situation. DH and I have a policy of not allowing bad-mouthing, and sometimes we have to be pretty strict to our parents (both sets are now divorced) about being zero-tolerance for hate talk. Sometimes you just have to set hard limits so you can live your life. Make sure that in being fair to your parents, that you’re also fair to yourself. Kudos to those who have drawn the line… It’s hard to do.</p>
<p>Life’s too short to live with long-term hate and anger in your life."</p>
<p>Wise words, aibarr. DH was of the zero tolerance for hate talk camp as well. It’s sad to watch someone hold onto such bitterness for so long - they don’t see that they’re pushing people away and hurting themselves in the process.</p>
<p>I will join in the make your own traditions vein.
Inlaws have been hostile to me ever since I met them 33 yrs ago.
In laws cHristmas eve tradtion consisted of opening presents until the sun came up ( after not starting till 12pm- coming straight from the grandmother in laws house)</p>
<p>Expensive presents were exchanged between everyone except for my husband and I.
He would receive jeans and socks from his parents, his brothers in law would get power tools.
I would get dish towels my sisters in law would get gold jewelry.
Our D would get electronic toys that " grandma would help unwrap" and sHe would smash the bOx flat so it couldn’t be exchanged.</p>
<p>Not only was it hard for us to stay up that late but we didn’t like the emphasis on amount of money spent to show worth of reciPient.</p>
<p>We started going away for the holiday for the next 20 years only stopping last year when our dog became too old to board</p>
<p>I highly recommend it !</p>
<p>High Five to every one following Aibarr’s suggestions of drawing a line. These kinds of angry manipulative people will make you as miserable as you let them, and will be miserable themselves no matter what you do. In his miid-50s DH is finally realising that NOTHING he does will EVER be good enough or make his parents happy! So, he is endeavouring to stop trying, but it is difficult.</p>
<p>My parents divorced when I was a junior in college - out of the blue, I was not expecting it at all. There was the normal hostility the first few years and the first time I saw them in the same room after the divorce was at my wedding - you can imagine how that added stress! Fortunately, time (and grandchildren) healed many wounds. We just celebrated our 10th Thanksgiving at my brother’s house where we all meet up - and I mean ALL. Parents, step-parents, kids, grandkids (and my grandmother) all together for 5 days. Everyone behaves and we have a wonderful time! </p>
<p>I have to say the turning point was when my brother and I decided that we loved spending holidays together and we would not be forced to separate to appease either of our parents. It was all of us or nothing. We are very thankful and blessed that our parents behave like adults :)</p>
<p>It sounds like you are saying that when you are hosting the holidays both your mother and father are willing to show up at the same function (ie Thanksgiving) , but that your mother would not invite your father if something is at her place - do I have that right? I’ve been to weddings or other affairs where the mother and father had not seen one another for years and the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. If your parents are willing to be in the same place at the same time, you are ahead of many! Although in an ideal world everyone would get along and be able to be one happy family for the sake of everyone, it’s far from always the case and sometimes it’s not even fair to expect. If so, you all have to come to some accomodations in terms of taking turns with the holidays and so forth (difficult if you also have another side of the family with whom to share holidays ). </p>
<p>As for Passover, I like the idea of going to a temple seder for the second night if you are not willing to host again. Alternatively, you can do a scaled down version the second night and invite your mom, or ask if she (or your sister) would consider making the second night (could also be scaled down, ie just a dinner rather than the whole nine yards holiday feast ). I’ve done two seders before and it’s not as intimidating as it sounds - it’s possible to make a lot of things in double quantities or ahead of time (soup, desserts) and have enough made so that there’s not really a duplication of all the effort. Or, since it’s your own family, enlist your guests to make some dishes for the second night. I’d no doubt feel the same way as you, though - hard to feel good about leaving your mother out altogether from a major holiday like that. There may be no great solutions - and years when someone is going to feel left out of something.</p>