Adult daughter complains but will not listen to reason

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I am frustrated and feel helpless in this situation. I have an extremely bright daughter who complains to me about various components of her life. Instead of looking for other ways of doing things to improve her situation, she focuses on how bad things are. If I suggest another way of doing something using an approach that she has not tried or reading a book to open up her mind, she tells me to stop talking and gets angry.</p>

<p>I feel so helpless as I watch her doing the same things and expecting different results. It’s as though she is waiting for things to magically change without any effort on her part. </p>

<p>She has so much going for her and I hate to see her wasting year after year without seeking better ways of approaching her life.</p>

2

<p>Maybe she justs wants a shoulder and a “Poor baby”?</p>

<p>Also, instead of making suggestions, how about asking, “Is there anything you can do? What do you think might be causing this? What do you wnat to do to fix this? Do you think it can’t be fixed?” Open-ended questions may not get her to change, but they may reduce your blood pressure.</p>

3

<p>I think Chedva is right, she may just want to “vent”, has her personality always been this way? I can be a compassionate listener, but everyone in my family and friends knows that I am a “fixer”. At a certain point after listening and offering sympathy, I will ask “how do you see the situation resolving”? I then offer any suggestions that I may think will help or direct them to someone who can help. They know better than to keep complaining to me. This may sound harsh, but I had to do this to keep myself healthy.</p>

4

<p>My only advice is to stop giving unsolicited advice and trying to change her. </p>

<p>I am in my 20’s, independent, self-supporting, and my mom and I have had the same issue. I like to talk through issues, vent if you will, but absolutely not interested in advice unless I ask for it. Most of the time, any solutions my mom may have I have already thought of. I am really not hearing anything new. It’s really frustrating talking to someone who is trying to ‘teach’ you about life. Thankfully, my mom gets that, and we have worked it out - I have a much better relationship with her as a result, and I tell her a lot more about my life, knowing I am not going to get unwanted advice. If she stubbornly persisted, I probably would just end up not talking to her about my life too much.</p>

<p>Edited to add: if you can’t help give unsolicited advice, at least have a conversation with her and let her know why you keep doing it. Then at least she can decide if it’s worth it to come to you with those things. Personally, I really don’t do well with unsolicited advice people - it just stresses me out more to talk to someone like that.</p>

5

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<p>I’m known as the same way in my social circle. </p>

<p>For most folks needing to vent on a regular basis…especially in an angry yelling manner, I’d prefer to refer them to mutual friends who are much more amenable to that or if the situation’s serious enough, a therapist. </p>

<p>Despite that, I still get plenty of friends who want to use me as a venting platform…and then wonder why I later avoid them or in one extreme case of being vented at angrily for 4-5 straight hours by a friend going through a horrid time, snapping at him by telling him to shut up after he refused to take a hint and followed me outside the house when I was trying to get a break from it.* </p>

<p>I get that this is a serious issue I need to resolve at some point, but barring emergency situations or diagnosed LD/mental issues, I tend to have little tolerance for folks who habitually need to vent at other people…especially if they’re yelling angrily about it. </p>

<p>While I try to be polite about it, I’d rather they’d find other friends who are more amenable to this type of venting. </p>

<ul>
<li>This is one reason why I am concerned about dating or entering into any LTR. I understand this is a problem with me that I need to figure out and solve before doing so for the sake of any future SO partners. Oddly enough, I don’t have this issue when babysitting/watching over younger relatives/friends’ children.</li>
</ul>

6

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<p>That was my first reaction, too. I have a smart, accomplished D who likes to vent in her conversations with me. It took me a long time to realize - longer than it should have - that she really didn’t want me to fix anything, she just wanted me to listen and make the appropriate mouth sounds.</p>

<p>Boyfriend problems? Work difficulties? I listen, make suggestions, but mostly I let her vent. YMMV…</p>

7

<p>I think this is all good advice, but doesn’t really address the root of the original question, which is that the parent is hoping to see the daughter make positive changes to improve her life. That is something I guess we all have to learn to deal with; stepping back and letting the kids find their own way, even if we don’t like the outcome (and apparently the child does not either). I am dealing with the high school version of this situation now and will be interested to see other responses.</p>

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9

<p>It sounds to me like she wants someone to vent to, to listen to her complaints, it isn’t about mom coming to the rescue it is that she feels she can vent to you, use you kind of the way a patient uses a therapist…I don’t think she is looking for advice or mom to fix it and she probably thinks in doing that you are doing what you did when she was younger, and one thing kids hate is to be ‘treated like a baby’. </p>

<p>Unfortunately, because she feels comfortable with you, she vents all the bad stuff in her life and the good stuff, the ‘important stuff’ probably is saved for friends and such…I got used to that with my son with music, we hear about the setbacks, frustrations with his playing, dealing with other students, but don’t ever hear “yeah, I played in studio class and it went well” or the orchestra performance he liked or good seating, etc. We spent a young fortune on a new violin for him and he hasn’t said one thing about it, even when I ask…</p>

<p>I think with you D is she is discovering the joys (and not so joys) of being an adult, and is using you to help process it. If listening to her complain can go in one ear and out the other, by all means do that. If it bothers you, if it gets to you, you always have the right at some point to say “I love you, and I know you want to share with me about this stuff, but right now it is hard to deal with” (or some variation of that), it is hard to listen to someone vent, especially when it is a kid we want to be happy. Believe me, you are probably making her more happy if you listen to her and just let it go, it is why she is there probably. If she wants advice, she probably will ask for it, she knows you too well to know that if she asked for advice you wouldn’t give it:).</p>

<p>Eventually, she may ask for help, or you could say something like “it sounds like you are frustrated that the same things keep happening” (therapists do this all the time…), and say “what can I do to help you?”. If she says nothing, then drop it…or say something like “I understand your frustration” and maybe suggest something like a life coach or something, rather than offering your own ideas…</p>

<p>Unfortunately, the dramas of high school don’t magically disappear when they hit their 20’s, and are ‘on their own’…my dad was wise with me, he never gave advice unless I asked for it, and ofteh he would give me advice without me knowing he was…one of the biggest things he did was not do it in the moment. So for example, I would vent about something to do with work, coworkers, bosses, etc, he would listen…Then a day or two later, or whenever we got together, we would be chewing the fat, and he would find a way to talk about when he was working, the stuff he faced, and somehow, it would be in the area I was talking about, though by then sinceit happened well prior, I wouldn’t think it was about what I said…only later, would it hit me what he had done, but at the time it would be more like subconsciously I would tie the two things together, but think I came to an answer by myself:). I would recommend taking yourself out of the moment, don’t offer advice there, and find more roundabout ways later to offer something. I know from my own experience when venting I am a lot more conscious about venting like that, and also am a lot more defensive if people offer solutions or observatios…whereas if I vent, then someone comes to me a couple of days later and says “hey, was thinking about what you talked to me about, and it dawned on me that maybe doing X, Y or Z might help with that”…out of the moment, it may be easier to accept advice.</p>

10

<p>Have her vent here:</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/319650-say-here-cause-you-cant-say-directly-get-off-your-chest-thread.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/319650-say-here-cause-you-cant-say-directly-get-off-your-chest-thread.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Instead of crying over your shoulder.</p>

11

<p>I ask my daughter if she wants me just to listen or to give advice. This makes it easer for me.</p>

12

<p>Yes, S and I started getting along much better when I’d ask him this question up front–are you venting or are we problem-solving. I’d adjust accordingly. Even if the initial response is to vent, that can be cathartic for the individual who is troubled. After they are done venting and feel ‘heard,’ they can then decide if they want to do ANYTHING to change the situation–now or in the future.</p>

<p>If the person is always venting about the same problems that just keep going (because the person isn’t making any move to change things), that can be much tougher to listen to. You may wish to set a time limit on that type of venting if it isn’t going to lead to any problem-solving by being busy and warning at the start of the vent of some appointment you have in xx minutes after the start of the vent. LEAVE on time for your appointment (even if it’s only for a quick window shopping expedition or a trip to grocery store). If the person STILL wants to vent when you return, you can be surprised that it hasn’t been resolved or change the subject. (Just a way to keep sane.)</p>

13

<p>“That sounds pretty tough. What have you tried so far to make it better?” “How’s that working out?” “What are you thinking about trying next?” “It’s great that you are coming up with these good options.” etc.</p>

<p>IOW, 1) validate the frustration or whatever it is she is feeling and then 2) shift the discussion to solutions–her solutions. Resist the temptation to offer advice or “fix it.” She has to own it. Communicate clearly your belief that she CAN make it better.</p>

<p>You’ll be less frustrated because the conversation will move quickly from problems to solutions, and she’ll be less frustrated because you are empowering her to make her own life better. Young adults who present a series of negative scenarios often feel less than confident that they can improve their own circumstances, they may be depressed or perceive them selves to be at the bottom of the pecking order. If you jump in to offer solutions you’ll only be validating that.</p>

14

<p>I appreciate all your comments. My daughter does not tend to look into options and presents her situations as her not being able to do anything to improve her situations and presents herself as the victim. If myself or others suggest something, she tends to get mad and responds that there is no solution and it is what it is, without a chance to make it better.</p>

15

<p>Then maybe it is what it is. That’s how she feels - maybe she is not ready to accept the solutions or too tired to act on it or just doesn’t feel she can take it on at this time - there may be a million reasons. Nagging her about it will not make her want to do it.</p>

16

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<p>Out of curiosity, if asked what options she is facing, does she say something along the lines of “I don’t know”?</p>

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<p>Hopefully, the OP’s D only does this with family and maybe close friends willing to put up with the habitual complaining. </p>

<p>Have a few former colleagues and a college friend recently diagnosed with LD who carried on like this with classmates/colleagues and supervisors/Professors with predictable results. </p>

<p>They all ended up getting isolated as few of the former wanted to associate with them after a while and some of the latter told them off for feeling entitled to vent/complain at everyone and “being a poor team player by lowering group morale through complaining without offering constructive solutions”. When the former colleagues continued after that warning, they were terminated shortly afterwards.</p>

17

<p>I have a gf who I have to say “this is just venting” or she will go into problem solving mode too (which both of us ARE good at). It has been very helpful for us both to have that frame of reference to start with.</p>

18

<p>As a parent, it’s especially hard to hear complaining because we’re programmed to want to help. Unfortunately ,while the “venter” may feel better after their rant, the parent feels worse.
While I understand the desire to complain about ones life, I don’t
have a lot of patience for it unless it’s fairly limited or the person actually wants a bit of advice.
To the OP - I would consider suggesting to your daughter that she find a counselor or life coach to talk to. Let her know that dumping her complaints on you without her wanting any suggestions from you is very hard on you- and if that’s a weakness on your part, well, “it is what it is.”
I honestly don’t think it’s in either person’s best interest to keep up a dynamic where one person does all the venting and the other just listens. That’s not a relationship, IMO. I also wouldn’t want my kid to think that it’s ok to do this with a future partner. Now, if it’s just an occasional or circumstantial thing, ok, but if it becomes a constant way of relating, I would suggest she find a professional trained to listen.</p>

19

<p>Sometimes I say “let me know how I can help” My older D doesn’t like or advice. I wait until it is asked for. Many times she has to learn the hard way. In time your d will get tired of listening to herself and decide to make a change. I used to be a venter, and thought of a complainer. My H said I could be like a dog with a bone. I didn’t realize how it must have affected people, or their image of me. I learned to make a point of stopping and trying o be positive. For me I was problem solving out loud, plus it was usually about a situation I had no power over and wanted to change. Until I learned the serenity prayer… and to accept that some things dont change, just your reaction to them. I wish people would have told me sooner as I never wanted to affect anyone negatively, I feel sad bout that.</p>

20

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I can hear your frustration. Unfortunately, your daughter is an adult, and you can’t change her outlook or force her to take charge and make changes. The only thing you can control is your own response to her complaints.</p>

<p>I agree with a previous poster: at some point, you may simply have to say, “Sweetie, I know this is all very tough on you, but it’s also very tough on me. I can’t listen to the same complaints over and over again. If you want my help, I am always and forever here to help. If you just want to vent, I’m sorry but you’ll have to find another ear.” You have to take care of your own emotional health as well.</p>