<p>I seem to recall reading similar threads in the past regarding such issues as my family is dealing with. I am the youngest sister of four .o
The oldest of our family is a constant source if issues , which seem to get worse and worse. In a nutshell , she is a a woman who simply does not take care of herself whatsoever. She has been divorced for about 10 years now and has made one bad decision after another, mostly regarding financial issues , but also her health . She is probably twice her ideal weight and as a result , has had multiple health issues . Because se chose to move back to our home state of Mass, she is required by law to have health insurance. She ignored that for first 6 months of living there until she had to be rushed to the hospital ( by ambulance ) for a hernia .
Once diagnosed , she was told by staff that she would be needing surgery and also has to secure health insurance ( mass health) she continued to ignore this.
When she began to have a problem again approx 6 months later , she claimed to have applied to masshealth and claimed that they " lost her paperwork " my other sisters had our doubts about this since she has a history of lying…three months later she is back at emergency status and once again has to be transported to the hospital and told my surgeon that she cannot wait and needs the surgery. So despite still not being covered ,she has the procedure done. My other sister called masshealth and inquired about the time frame for coverage and was told that the time from application to enrollment is maximum 14 days ,which would mean she STILL hasn’t applied</p>
<p>What concerns us is that there will inevitably be a hefty bill for the surgery. Our mother is a widow and has bailed this sister out of many a financial mess which irritates the rest of us. The rest of us have had to take care of our selves like most people do.</p>
<p>Sister never seems to appreciate what our mother has done for her and always gets herself into trouble again.
We all know that no one is forcing our mother to repeatedly bail out deadbeat , but we are also concerned that if my mother needs long term care , there will be nothing left since she has been put in these circumstances over and over.</p>
<p>Less than a year ago , my mother purchased a condo for deadbeat sister to live in since she couldn’t find a rental . She did not give it to her , but rents it to her for FAR below what market is . We agreed because she was living with mom and creating a lot of stress and we were concerned about mom’s well being.</p>
<p>This is a very frustrating situation for everyone in the family .
Sisters who live close barely speak to her . She isn’t a very like able person and usually burns her bridges everywhere she goes.</p>
<p>You mother is in no way obligated to pay her medical bills or anything else. Your sister has been enabled to live this way her entire life and unless allowed to experience the results of her decisions, will doubtfully change her ways. Best thing to do is detach from her, as your siblings have done. She sounds like a survivor and if it wasn’t your mother bailing her out, she would probably latch onto someone else. Pray it is not you.</p>
<p>Your mother should not pay a cent of her medical bills. They won’t come after your mom for the bills, they’ll come after your sister…who doesn’t have the money. They will eventually write it off as a loss, since they can’t get anything from her. Happens all the time. Your mother should not pay a dime towards this, and I don’t mean just because it’s wrong, but because she might need her own money and this won’t help your sister at all. It will just be helping the hospital. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for paying ones bills, but not for paying medical bills for someone who really won’t have to cover it in the end anyways. A reason, of course, why our healthcare system is so messed up, but it is not your mother’s obligation to support the system for an adult child.</p>
<p>Your mom would be wasting the money if she pays. Some things would be worth paying for, if absolutely necessary, like the housing she already is taking care of…but since they don’t make you pay medical bills in advance, what’s the point?</p>
<p>Bill collectors can try to harass relatives to pay off debts. There’s isn’t a legal requirement to do so but they might try to invoke a moral responsibility to do so. An answering machine and unlisted number can help here.</p>
<p>These are the kinds of problems that I hate to read about but it happens. A lot.</p>
<p>I think that your typical CC parents can usually manage their lives reasonably well but lots and lots of people are challenged in that area.</p>
<p>So true and your mother needs to know this. It’s the way the system is set up. Your mother will not be fulfilling any useful “obligation” by paying off someone else’s surgical bills. Your sister’s credit is probably bad to nonexistent already, so it’s not as if your mother’s paying can protect her from any negative consequences of not paying. Your mother needs to concentrate on paying for her own long-term care needs.</p>
<p>I’m really torn on this. I agree it is not fair to have to pay the bills of an irresponsible family member, but I also don’t feel it is right to expect tax payers to pick up the tab.</p>
<p>Unfortunately taxpayers have to pick up the tab for the irresponsible members of society. Someone with bad enough medical problems that don’t manage their health can bankrupt families that are reasonably well off. If someone has a problem and they have big medical bills and they do nothing to improve their health, what do you do? Some countries are grappling with this now and one option is to cut off services.</p>
<p>My BIL, who is now deceased, was not a responsible member of society. He had congestive heart failure for years and years and, when it got really bad, he would go to the ER and they would take care of him. He finally was lead by the nose by the other BIL to go apply for Medicaid. Imagine his surprise and delight when he discovered he could also apply for welfare at the same time. He was able to save almost all of his welfare checks because he was mooching off other BIL at the time. So when he died, he had assets of – oh, at least $1800.</p>
<p>ETA: This is not the family member we are most proud of. Unfortunately it’s also not the family member we are least proud of.</p>
<p>Unless the parent no longer can make these decisions, and some sort of guardianship is attained, it’s up to your mother what she chooses to do with her money, including bailing out deadbeats. She can do pretty much anything she so pleases.</p>
<p>Perhaps you and the other siblings, can arrange a sit down talk about this and come up with some arrangement to help your mother when things like this come up, where she agrees that amounts over $X need a consensus among 3 out of 4 of you, or something like that, You can outright tell her how you all feel about what is happening and the enabling might be hurting rather than helping your sister. But the ultimate decision remains hers unless her judgement is medically impaired and you go through the paces for such an issue.</p>
<p>We had a problem with my mother in that she got all kinds of calls for donations and services and she would talk to people and these calls multiplied with her answering the phone. When I was there, she’d ask me to take the phone calls - the callers were much less likely to try to make a pitch to me and I just acted like a secretary. She has an answering machine to take these calls now and it’s often full. One of my sisters had a talk with her about telemarketers but it was difficult for her to say no to someone on the phone - I guess it’s the way that she was raised. I use to be polite and repeatedly declined calls but I got to the point where these calls were a waste of my time and I just let the answering machine take everything. I’ve been debating getting rid of the land-line for five years.</p>
<p>I think that she gave one of my sisters Power of Attorney and my sister monitors her financial accounts and this has all worked out reasonably well. But I’m sure that it was a struggle for my mother and my sister.</p>
<p>The ethical problem is the extent to which the OP is obliged to help her mother, if her mother decides to jeopardize her own financial future to help the sister. It’s a very tough question. I guess I don’t feel that family members are obliged to subsidize/indemnify the charity decisions of other family members; but who can tolerate seeing elderly Mom in a substandard facility because she spent all her money on the irresponsible sister? It’s a difficult situation and there are no easy answers. Mom needs to know the implications of her decision to help or not help the black sheep of the family.</p>
<p>It is not fair that you get so little when your sister gets so much. But you should take great pride in being being self sufficient and indirectly helping both your mother and your sister. The best thing you can do is to let your mother continue to be a good mother.</p>
<p>What does this mean, though? Is bailing out and supporting dysfunctional adult children at the expense of your own needs the hallmark of good parenting? Is ruining your own finances to help a troubled child a good idea when your other children have to step in to support you because you’ve wasted all your money on a lost cause (i.e. the troubled child)?</p>
<p>Long-term care for disabled elderly is very, very expensive. It can bankrupt even financially comfortable people. It is a huge fear many of us have.</p>
<p>I just don’t know if paying off huge medical bills for the sister helps her. Her credit is probably already in the toilet, so what is one more bill in collection? I don’t think it helps her at all, merely helps the hospital and the taxpayers…which is a very kind and generous thing, but it is not really helping the sister. And of course, depleting your assets so you end up on Medicaid isn’t such a great plan either.</p>
<p>It sounds to me like this sister is in such a state of denial and depression that she barely cares about anything anymore. That is sad. She just doesn’t seem like she’s thinking with sound mind at all. Maybe she doesn’t care much what happens to her.</p>
<p>This sister is a mess and has been for quite some time. She also refuses to acknowledge that she has problems, medical being a big issue. I am guessing that she is carrying around an excess of minimum 100 lbs. She cannot walk well or stand any length of time. She complains that her hips , back, legs hurt but denies it could be remedied if she took off some weight or wore better shoes ( i.e. new balance walking shoes instead of flip flops )
She is one of those expert on everything kind of people.
She also has done some questionable things in terms of breaking the law such as not registering her car or insuring it and driving around with an expired out of state tag.
Also ,she lived on the gulf coast of Florida and lost her job because her boss was battling cancer and closed down his business. She had heard that she might be able to receive a settlement from BP over the oil spill . I was appalled and told her she cannot do that and could go to jail …just the idea that she contemplates this stuff is alarming to me as well as my other sisters. There are other things like this too.</p>
<p>She can’t walk away because of the hooks into her mother.</p>
<p>Toxic family situations are the worst because of the relationships. The leech does everything that they can to get anything that they can from anyone within grasp. It’s pretty hard to deal with the situation where your kid is hurting. Even if it doesn’t make sense to enable them.</p>
<p>lje - sorry for the situation; very hard. I think the sit down with the mom is imperative. Mom needs to ensure that mom has enough funds to take care of herself before spending any money on anyone else. </p>
<p>Of course, it is mom’s choice to do with her money as she pleases, but it does affect you if you have to bail out mom later. Also, assuming most parents want to gift/bequeath equally, mom’s treatment of sis #1 is not equitable relative to the other siblings, including you. That being said, concern for mom and concern for enabling sis should be the topic, not equity for the other sibs, IMO. </p>
<p>As much as I hate the taxpayer paying for sis’ medical bills, your mom is not responsible. Sis needs to deal with the consequences of her choices. If her credit is ruined, so be it; no reason to drag the rest of you down with her. If sis has a medical disability and is unable to work, etc., mom should get legal help to set up a trust to care for her (including medical insurance), but that is not the case here.</p>
<p>OP, if your mother is legally competent, it’s up to her as to what she wants to pay of your sister. Again, you and your siblings should have a sit down with your mother and let her know what you all know and think, but ultimately, it’s her business what she does. </p>
<p>My mother paid more than what my brother and I felt was appropriate of our younger brother’s out of college expenses, when he got out of school. Yes, he took advantage of Mom’s ready check book. And we did talk to both my mother and the culprit brother about it. But ultimately, it was her decision. It did stem the tide a bit, though. I agree that the topic at hand is enabling and draining of resources that Mom might need, not future inheritance equity or present day equity, but what you say to your mother is your business. But it’s not your business if she is legally sound in mind and chooses to continue to pay for your sister. Her money.</p>