<p>My Daughter is in her Junior year of college. She was dating a young man before she went to college and he is very caring and supportive. He opted to join her at the college she was accepted at rather then going half-way across the country to NYU where he had also been accepted. Now after 6 years together my daughter has broken up with him and started dating his (now former) roomate. They spent the summer living and working on campus at least my daughter and her ex did the roommate didn’t work at all. His parents footed his bills and he spent the summer romancing my daughter. I just need to know how involved I should get in this?
I really thought she and her high school sweetheart would get married after college, and move to NY to complete graduate school together, at least that is what they always told us.
Now her ex is devistated. I hear from him at least once a week. I don’t hear from her at all. The new boyfriend sent email saying he is planning to go in his own direction after graduation with or without her.
My daughter is concentrating on getting all her courses in and is planning on going to graduate school after she finishes college.
Any advice out there??? How involved should I get?
The whole situation has left me heart-sick.</p>
<p>My son has never had a serious romance, so I have never faced any of this personally.</p>
<p>It sounds to me like your D and the new BF have their heads on straight about completing their educational/career plans regardless of who happens to the the boyfriend/girlfriend of the moment:[ul][<em>]“The new boyfriend sent email saying he is planning to go in his own direction after graduation with or without her.”[</em>]“My daughter is concentrating on getting all her courses in and is planning on going to graduate school after she finishes college.”[/ul] I hope the ex also intends to continue with his grad school plans.</p>
<p>If your D and her ex had been together six years, that means they started out when she was only 15. I think that is very, very, very young to choose your life mate. Way more often than not, the person chosen at this age is not the right one.</p>
<p>Although I don’t have first-hand experience, I do have second-hand: my niece dated a boy seriously through hs and first part of college. I loved this boy and miss him still. And she was only my niece! So I can imagine how big a hole is in your heart right now.</p>
<p>Still, my personal answer to how involved you should be is… Not at all. Not at all. </p>
<p>The best thing for the ex will be to move on, most likely. All three of them need to work through their own lives, their own romances and failed romances, themselves.</p>
<p>What I would prescribe for you, the hurting mom (and we have all been hurting moms and will be again), is to take care of yourself. Here on cc we are a great resource of parent support on all things college and non-college. Have a cup of tea or a glass of wine with a girlfriend of your own, or two or three. Allow yourself to cry and miss the young man whose place in your daughter’s life is gone, or at least different. Over time, you will be less heart-sick. That is really all you can do … take care of yourself. You really can’t intervene/interfere in what is happening with them.</p>
<p>My opinion. Spoken, I hope, with empathy.</p>
<p>CNovak,
I will relate the sad story our family has gone through in hopes that it will give a positive spin to your family’s situation.</p>
<p>My oldest son started dating a girl when he was 16 and she 15. They dated through high school and through both their undergraduate college years (at different schools). She had been a part of our family for all those years. After her college graduation and his first year of career employment, they married. </p>
<p>Everyone (including us) felt that after 8 years together they should know each other well and had a fantastic chance at a stable marriage.</p>
<p>Fast-forward 18 months. She decided she didn’t want to be married, had not explored her career options adequately and wanted to divorce. They have now been legally separated 6 mos. and I guess will be officially divorced in another 6 months.</p>
<p>This was devastating to my son, our family and hers. If your d. is feeling these things now, it is so much better to call things off at this point rather than do what everyone “expected” and then have regrets.</p>
<p>Give the ex lots of support, but try to get him to understand that he cannot force things no matter how much he cares for her. I feel for him as I am reminded of my son–but how I wish she had gotten cold feet before the engagement and marriage rather than afterwards.</p>
<p>I agree with all the thoughts posted above. D and her BF also broke up a longterm relationship this year - senior year in college. Everyone thought that they were meant for each other! But I really see, for her, how facing the decisions of life after college, and wanting different futures, was a huge part of it. </p>
<p>From the outside looking in, I have learned that it’s best not to get involved, just be there for support. As long as neither student is having serious mental health issues over the relationship, then let them deal. I would rather have a painful breakup now, than an ugly divorce later - per mkm’s story.</p>
<p>This is VERY simple. You asked; “How involved should you get”. The answer is; “Not at all unless your daughter asks for you opinion, comment, etc…” That is how simple this is. Of course you may get other opinions. The fact is, your daughter is an adult. If she’s not talking marriage, then there isn’t one bit of involvement you need to get into. When she mentions marriage, then at that time you can give your 2 cents as far as if you think she should be looking at her other options.</p>
<p>CNovak and mkm, I am so sorry. I must say that we have a relative who went through what mkm’s son is going through. My BIL met his first wife at 16-17. They dated for about 10 years and then were married. They divorced after about 5 years in part because of career plan differences, and in part because of family issues. My BIL has since happily remarried, and his ex-wife has not. Neither of them had children.</p>
<p>Since your daughter has not asked for opinions/advice, you would have no reason to offer any. We as parents, often become very close to/fond of our children’s mates. It is difficult to break up with the mate, when your child does, simply because we were not in the relationship in the first place. We are enchanted bystanders, now disillusioned.</p>
<p>Breakups are usually painful for one party, at the very least. All you can do is “listen” to the ex. You can offer him advice on moving on, but not on winning back. </p>
<p>The new bf and your D seem very independent about future plans. Did you say that the new bf emailed you or your D? I was confused about that.</p>
<p>“We are enchanted bystanders, now disillusioned.” - Beautifully worded. </p>
<p>CN - I’m not sure there’s an easy way to deal with the grieving process and loss - but I’m also sure it’s one of many we will have to deal with as we watch our children navigate life. Like the first time they were excluded from the popular kid’s bday party - we felt their hurt as well.</p>
<p>My thoughts are that the D didn’t like the path she was on, or felt she was EXPECTED to be on and this is her way of “rebelling” and she is probablly perfectly happy that she isn’t expected to marry this new BF</p>
<p>the EX may be a nice guy, but not THE guy, and D may have just finally seen that</p>
<p>Why is Mom heartbroken>? that I don’t understand…girl is healthy, doing well, seems to have it together…what is to be heartbroken about…so the ex is devistated…bet you he will find someone and if not, playing the field isn’t such a bad thing…he needs to move on</p>
<p>I agree that mom needs to stay out of it.</p>
<p>Citygirlsmom, it’s not strange that the mom is sad. After 6 years together, the ex would be almost like part of the family. I’m sure the mom has grown fond of him. (I was sad when my d and her bf of 3 years broke up, he was a nice guy and we liked having him around.) That doesn’t mean she should do anything to try to get them back together - obviously her daughter comes first - but the break-up is a loss for mom, and it’s ok if she feels some pain. Also, she said the ex is calling frequently, I’m sure she feels his pain as well. It also sounds like D and the ex had their future all planned; this sudden change leaves mom feeling a bit unsettled. That’s fine - she’s entitled to her feelings. </p>
<p>But, hard as it is, she should stay out of it.</p>
<p>sad is one thing, heartsick is something quite different</p>
<p>she needs to stop focusing on what might have been or was “expected” and what is</p>
<p>D is healthy, seems happy, is doing fine in school, has a BF who is honest with her, and if she is fine with what he says he is going to do, great</p>
<p>And, gee, I would be MORE freaked out if my D had her life planned with her HS sweetheart before she graduated college</p>
<p>I don’t understand what is making mom heartsick</p>
<p>That D is living her life well, is happy, broke up with someone? So?</p>
<p>Mom obviously doesn’t much like the new BF…that is clear…</p>
<p>Mom needs to really think about what is making her sad…that the future has changed? That the Ex won’t be her son in law</p>
<p>Who really knows why they broke up and it may have been the best thing in the world for her daughter, but mom doesn’t seem to be thinking much about that, that maybe D felt this pressure to follow an expected path and realized it wasn’t to be not for her, not now, and its better to make that discovery now then to just go along with what is expected and be unhappy</p>
<p>So I wonder why mom is really hearsick?</p>
<p>Do we have to pick on a particular word that CN used? Come on now. She’s sad, that’s that.</p>
<p>I have not been through her particular situation, but I know how attached I can get, and how very very sad I would be. The bf after 6 years becomes a family member, and one feels the loss.</p>
<p>It’s not as if she has derided her daughter, or the new bf. Though I can sense some worry when she says
because she is interpreting that as a lack of committment?</p>
<p>citygirlsmom, have you ever not questioned someone’s motives or accused them of feeling something due to baseless assumptions?</p>
<p>i said that because she wondered what to do…and everyone says nothing…and I think that when someone asks for advice, it is useless to just say, no, do nothing</p>
<p>if someone is saying they are heartsick over her Ds breakup…she will react in ways that might not be the best, if she doesn’t look at WHY she is so upset</p>
<p>the idea that she even asks the question shows that she really wants to</p>
<p>and that maybe looking at the GOOD things going for her D, is something mom needs to do</p>
<p>what baseless assumptions? Mom seems to be more worried about the Ex than her own D</p>
<p>the ex was all these wonderful things, sacrifised so much, chose school to be with her, and he has more contact with the mom than her own D does</p>
<p>why do you think that is? if mom wants to be connected with D, she really needs to see about her own attitude toward the new BF and the Ex</p>
<p>and that is more useful for the OP to consider than just saying stay out of it</p>
<p>the new BF may be a jerk, who knows, but from the post, it seems mom was more attached to the EX than D was, and mom needs to let go of the Ex, at least a bit, her loyalty is to her D, who really did and is doing nothing wrong at all</p>
<p>How involved? Not at all. She’s a grown-up. I’d try to ease off on talking to the ex. if it were me.</p>
<p>I agree that you do nothing at all. What strikes me is that you are hearing so often from the ex. Maybe that is why you aren’t hearing from the D. It may be that he is reporting back to her about your conversations with him. This could look to her like you have taken sides - even if you’re only listening. I think these conversations with him should stop. Just nicely tell him that you aren’t involved and that you support your D’s decision and that he should too and that he should move on. The mistake he made was following her to school. My concern would be that your D has had one long term relationship at a young age and is now evidently moving into another relationship. If I were you, I would be hoping she would take some time off for herself and just date and have fun for a while - but telling her that will accomplish nothing.</p>
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<p>Well of course she is! Her daughter is, in your words, doing absolutely fine. The ex is distraught, according to the OP. That doesn’t mean she loves the ex more (and she implied nothing of the sort), but it makes a lot of sense that she would be more worried about him!</p>
<p>I don’t know the situation, so I can’t judge the OP’s daughter, but it does seem as though the boy is perfectly reasonable in feeling distraught (and perhaps betrayed).</p>
<p>Edit: I don’t think that OP’s relationship with the ex has to stop just because he and her daughter are no longer together. They have formed a bond of their own, and OP is reasonable in listening to him - especially as he is the wounded one in the relationship. This does not mean that she should take sides at all, but there is no reason for her to abandon her relationship with the boy now.</p>
<p>First he is a MAN, and that Bond may not be healthy</p>
<p>just something the OP needs to consider</p>
<p>her D comes first…and if D isnt talking to mom…mom should wonder why, don’t cha think?</p>
<p>When S broke up with his long-time GF, in spite of the fact that I knew it was probably the right thing to do, I missed the young woman who had been a presence in our family’s life for quite some time. She is a lovely and loving young woman. If it had been a daughter and a BF, I imagine I would have felt much the same way. There is nothing creepy about it.</p>
<p>That said, I agree with the others that your sadness is yours and is not to acted upon in your dealings with your daughter. Nor, I think, would it be helpful to dwell on it in your conversation with the former BF.</p>
<p>It’s a little weird to me that the young man is calling his ex girlfriend’s mother every week. I broke up with my college boyfriend the year after we graduated -everyone assumed we would marry and he was devastated. I was over it before it happened but if he had called my mother every week, that would have helped seal the deal. What could the mother say that could possibly make him feel better? He would be better off talking to a friend of his who could tell him what a b… she was for breaking up with him and how much better he can do and then taking him out to a party. The mother is a strong connection to the ex - not what is best for him.</p>