Advice about college daughter and boyfriend

Parent Cafe
21

<p>well, I’ll get blasted for this but… </p>

<p>Honestly, the roommate? That’s pretty crappy for both of them. That could be why your not hearing too much from D, she may be embarassed. Of all the other people at school, it’s the roommate? Did the good fairy touch him on the temple and he’s it? </p>

<p>The other aspect is she is wing walking. While others say do nothing, here’s what I say, tell her to take a break from dating for awhile and stand by herself. That is not healthy in the sense of does she need someone all the time? It sounds like she’s never been on her own. She needs to be or this is just going to repeat itself in another 6 months or 6 years… </p>

<p>You know it’s ok to be mommentarily disappointed in your kids and let em know it. That’s how they learn sometimes, you don’t have to make her go back to the old boyfriend, but tell her to take a break and get herself together. You aren’t required to love everything your kids do Nor suffer in silence when they disappoint. Tell em about it. Minor or Adult, they need to hear your voice on the matter.</p>

22

<p>What? What did the girl do wrong…she wasn’t married, she found another guy, are parents supposed to tell there adult children how to act in their relationships? I don’t think so…so its an old roommate, big deal, means she knew him and it wasn’t just some random guy, and while she should take a break, maybe she knows this relationship has no future and that is what she is looking for…I agree, sounds like the D has not been alone, but that may not all be the Ds fault, sounds like outside expectations might have played a factor</p>

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<p>Out of sensitivity for her boyfriend of 6 years, I think she could have waited a bit before going out with his roommate.</p>

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<p>I think that you ought to stay out of it. This includes gently cutting ties with your D’s ex, who probably is hoping that you’ll help him get back together with your D.</p>

<p>Next to no middle aged or younger persn whom I know who married someone whom they started dating while in high school or younger is still together with that person. They either outgrew the person, grew in different ways or became resentful at feeling that they never had a chance to independently live their own life without having to consider their partner’s needs.</p>

<p>If “heartbroken” is truly how you feel, my advice is to get some counseling to help support you through this situation. The moms whom I’ve encountered who have been heartbroken in the kind of situation that you described were moms who weren’t particularly happy in their own marriages or lives and were getting lots of joy from vicariously sharing in their kids’ happy relationships. If you happen to be in a situation in which you aren’t happy about the direction of your own life, counseling might help you figure out options that could brighten your life regardless of your D’s romantic choices.</p>

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<p>Depressing thread…</p>

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<p>I’m one of the odd people who started dating in high school, and I’m still with the same person 8 years later-- we’ve even spent 2 years of the relationship in different countries. I can say that I would not be a very healthy person if I were to end this relationship, no matter how good the terms were. I’m pretty intent on marrying her, and we’re both pretty much sure we know where our careers will take us, simplifying the matter.</p>

<p>If I broke up with her, however, here’s what I would want: space. I know my family. I know what they are like. They’re very much involved, and they would want to offer me as much consolation and advice as they could. However, I know that I would want to go my own way for a bit and see where things take me.</p>

<p>As for the dating the roommate thing… I have a feeling that it’s better that the daughter and long-time boyfriend broke up before something even WORSE happened. But still, I don’t think it’s fair to judge her as being terribly unfair. She probably didn’t mean to hurt her ex, and feelings don’t exactly like to be controlled.</p>

27

<p>CNovak, I do understand how you feel and am sorry. I know what it is to feel helpless watching your kids go through things like this!</p>

<p>I do want to offer one more bit of perspective here:</p>

<p>My h and I have been married now for just over 29 years and we did start dating in HS. HOWEVER, we went through a period of several years where we dated other people, some seriously, before finally getting “back together” and realizing for sure that we were meant to spend our lives together. I have always been grateful for the fact that we spent those years apart because I now know absolutely that I am married to my best friend and the one I am meant to be with.</p>

<p>I agree whole-heartedly that you need to stay out of the situation other than to be there for your d as her mom. I also think you should encourage the ex-bf to move on and date others. They could end up together again, but only if it is meant to be and you cannot influence that directly, IMO. </p>

<p>Best to you!</p>

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<p>As a mom who has seen both sides: a son hurt by the break-up of a longterm gf and a daughter pursued (unhealthily) by her ex, I have always said to my kids: You can’t make someone love you who does not. And it is not “kind” to stay with someone you do not love. When one party decides it is over, it is probably over. Unless there are married people involved and especially if there are kids involved, all is fair in love. I do NOT mean that you should treat people badly, but falling out of and in love happens and can’t really be dictated by anyone, especially parents (and ex’s).</p>

<p>My sister’s college boyfriend broke up with her and she ended up dating (and marrying) his roommate.</p>

29

<p>Feelings can’t be controlled, but actions certainly can. Again, I don’t know the situation so well, but it doesn’t seem so unreasonable to have a bit of a waiting period (maybe she did?)</p>

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<p>I think it’s different if she was dumped? I don’t know, maybe not.</p>

30

<p>To be honest - no matter how much I admired or liked the BF, in general, I don’t feel it’s at all good or healthy to marry someone you’ve been with exclusively (since 15 years old! ), without giving <em>both</em> young people a chance to date others as adults, gain some perspective on life, know who and what they want out of it, etc. Just as happened with churchmusicmom, if it’s really meant to be, it can still be at some point down the line. But this is and has to be the business of the people in the relationship. </p>

<p>From your point of view, going forward, and especially because you seem to be the kind of person who gets very attached, I think it’s wise for you to put all young relationships into perspective. Don’t allow yourself to get overly wrapped up or emotionally invested in them even if you happen to like (love) everything about the BF and think that they are a terrific person. Your role should really be as a supportive person for your D, someone who is there to listen to what <em>she</em> is going through in her life and to give valuable feedback and advice. Consider whether the fact that your D is not talking to you about this is because she knows how invested in this relationship <em>you</em> are. </p>

<p>I can understand missing the young man and being sad, even if you know all of the above from an intellectual point of view. But, in my opinion, it’s not a good idea for you to continue your involvement or communication with the ex. If it were me, I’d simply tell him that as much as I care about him, I hope that he will eventually feel that this was the best thing for <em>him</em> as well as for D, in the long run. </p>

<p>I’m also wondering about the email from the new BF - was that to you or to your D? Was that in response to a question from you as to his intentions? If so, it sounds as if you already want to know ahead of time how things are going to work out there. If so, I feel as if you are already more involved in the new relationship than appropriate and should take a giant step back there, as well.</p>

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<p>I wondered about the email from the new BF too. Since I think it is rare for a guy to correspond with a girlfriend’s mother, I found it really surprising that the D managed to find two who did that.</p>

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<p>I think it is very inappropriate to have any correspondence with a brand new BF that includes him declaring his intentions. Who even asked that question this early on – you or your D? </p>

<p>Perhaps you missed the closeness you had with the Ex, and wanted to correspond, but that’s unusual to be corresponding with a D’s BF. Remember it took years to develop such a bond with old BF, and you met him first when he was young. If you wrote to new BF, I imagine he was freaked out!</p>

<p>In the future, I’d make a rule not to intiate emails to your D’s new BF’s, if that’s what happened here (your posting implied it but didn’t state it). You’ll scare them away and she’ll resent you deeply for that.</p>

<p>As for her (not your) Ex, I can feel how much you liked him. He was probably a great guy or your D wouldn;t have spent 6 years with him! Yes, you will miss him, but now it’s time to HELP him by backing off. In a final note you might even acknowledge how hard this is for both of you, and how you’ll miss him too, but he needs to “heal.” </p>

<p>You might defend by saying that emailing the new BF is just the same as if they were dating in town. If D were dating a new BF in town, you’d be meeting him casually at the doorway and getting to know him bit by bit. But it’s NOT the same. Now she’s dating longdistance and that’s all new for you. (Giving you a break here, poor mom, you’re really gettting bashed online on top of feeling hurt.) Plus, they are all older.</p>

<p>Students are very protective about who writes to them. You wouldn’t go ring the doorbell of a new intown BF, and I think to be emailing him now is comparable. You might feel differently, but think of it from new BF’s perspective. I even think you might owe him an apology for emailing him, and if so issue that and don’t correspond with him any more.</p>

<p>Similarly, it’s NONE of your business if his parents paid his rent last summer. I assume your D told you that, but let it drop from your mind. For all you know, he sent other checks to pay for his grandma’s nursing home in exchange. Unlikely, sure, but I’m just saying you’re not his accountant either. I sense you mentioned it to prove he’s lazy compared to the old BF, but all of those comparisons are unproductive. Your D may be finding things about him that are simply wonderful, different from her last relationship.</p>

<p>I also wish she’d spend some time without any BF, but as Moms we can’t engineer even that. I do say, when I think my kids are seriously off-base, “I’ll give you my opinion, just once.” And I do, really gently, and just once. If you’ve already told your D you think she was “off” to make her latest BF choice, you’ve spoken your peace.</p>

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<p>

While it does sound like the new bf emailed the mom, from her post, maybe the email was to D; but nonetheless, there is no indication that mom is emailing the new bf. Hello, mom, can you clarify?</p>

34

<p>wasn’t this just on Friday Night lights?</p>

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<p>Citygirlsmom, you already said things like this ones before to other mothers and I feel you don’t understand feelings. I would love my mom to love my BF (if I had one) and I don’t feel that unhealthy at all, people wants the best for their kids and when they think they find the best and they lose it, it’s perfectly normal if they are heartbroken.
My brother had a GF for a long time, she was the nicest girl around and mom loved her like a daughter, but she went to study abroad and after a year or so told my brother she wanted to break up. Mom was sad for a long time, maybe she felt worst than my brother. He has a new GF now but mom doesn’t want to meet her yet just in case she likes her, she doesn’t want to repeat the experience.</p>

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<p>i understand feelings, of course I do, but sometimes a mom’s “feelings” can get in the way of interacting with their children</p>

<p>for instance, if I am too attached to one of my Ds friends, and they have a fight, should I be talking to her friend, in essence, behind Ds back? it was THEIR relationship, and my part of it, no matter how much I liked the person, was a benefit…</p>

<p>If you read the OPs post, this Ex was just one heck of a guy, but D wasn’t into him anymore, for whatever reason, and mom hoilding on to her relationship will, most likely, do damage to the relationship she has with her daughter</p>

<p>Who are WE as moms to assume that we know THE BEST for our Adult children…D didn’t lose the BF…D seems to be okay…</p>

<p>Of courese I understand Feelings, it is how we react and send signals based on those feelings that can do harm…</p>

<p>For a mom not to want to meet her Sons new Gf is just ridiculous…this is not HER relationship, it is her son’s and to have so little respect for her son is quite sad actually</p>

<p>If someone is important in my child’s life I would like to meet them, and not let my own expectations and feelings for THEIR past loves get in the way</p>

<p>For a mom to be more concernded about her own feelings, and letting those get in the way of relationships with her own children is just strange</p>

<p>So what if mom gets sad again…that is part of life…but we shouldn’t project our own feelings about who our kids date, so long as there is no abuse, drugs or illegal activity going, we need to be nice, inviting, get to know them, but honestly, our feelings toward an BF or GF shound’t be stronger than our own childrens are</p>

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<p>How do you think son feels that mom doesn’t want to be his new love because mom MIGHT get hurt again, that MOM might get to attached, that MOM is afraid of them breaking up so MOM would be heartbroken?</p>

<p>Look at it from Son’s perspective…Mom doens’t want to meet HIS new GF because mom is still emotionally attached to Ex…who is no longer in the picture, but new GF is…</p>

<p>Yes mom can be sad, mom can be heartsick, but to have a more emotional attachment to an Ex and continuing emotional contact is just not smart…these were not our relationships, yes there were friendships with the kids SigOth, and real feelings, but parent’s need to respect our childrens choices…</p>

<p>We are talking adults who were dating and had plans, but plans change…and if mom is talking to EX, and pretty much puts out there that no one will live up to him, is that good for her relationship with her D?</p>

<p>OP herself says D isn’t communicating much…OP needs to think about why</p>

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<p>My S dated a lovely, accomplished girl in hs. She came from a family in which she was abused, and I felt like she was an a adopted child. I was heartbroken when they broke up, but I trusted my S. </p>

<p>I couldn’t understand why I was so upset. I don’t think it had anything to do with the reasons already given. I was just very close to and attached to this girl and wanted her to be in my life. </p>

<p>As time went on, various behaviors on her part made it obvious that she wasn’t the girl for S, and I got over missing her too.</p>

<p>I felt like she was a daughter, and I wanted that relationship to continue. I guess I should have had more than 2!</p>

<p>The important thing is to trust your child; even if the child is making a mistake, the child will learn from it. We have no idea of our kids’ destinies, and they have a much better idea of it than we do. My S certainly had more insight than I did.</p>

<p>As for the roommate issue, a bit tacky, but very common. We get feelings for those we are around.</p>

<p>I think I would limit the phone calls of the old BF, at least until he is over his intense romantic longing. This leads him on and my discourage your daughter from calling you.</p>

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<p>Wow. So many guessing games. So many rude suppositions. No wonder posters are taking on new identities before posting their problems. :(</p>

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<p>My DH broke up with his long time GF while he was away at college, she had already finished and was back home. His parents could not stand her not bring part of the family and to this day refer to her as their DD; and when Grandpa took all the kids & grandkids on a couple of family vacations, he brought her and her family, too.</p>

<p>I met DH years & many GFs later, so no jealousy, but boy, is it sick and wrong and drives him crazy- he broke up with her in college, he really did not want to share ski trips, Christmas, etc with her, her DH & kids!!! It has been 40 years and she is still lurking about and it still bugs him-she does not bug him, his parent’s behavior bugs him. So, it’s fine to be kind, but choose your own child over the ex for the long tem (not that the OP is doing anything like this, but thought you all might be amazed at how far some people will take it!)</p>