Advice about college daughter and boyfriend

Parent Cafe
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<p>No matter how much I like a boyfriend or girlfriend of one of my kids (and I’ve really only had limited experience with the situation), I believe my role as a parent dictates that I maintain a considerable degree of emotional distance from the boyfriend or girlfriend, no matter how much I like him/her, no matter how much I would like him/her in my family. When the breakup occurs, my job is to support my kid, even if she or he has been the biggest jerk in the world as far as I can tell. (I know from my own experience that being a big jerk can be emotionally devastating.)</p>

<p>My own parents never completely understood any of my relationships, because I didn’t let them in on everything. If they had even suggested I had made a mistake breaking up with someone . . . well, let’s say it would have driven a wedge between us the size of Greenland.</p>

<p>As for the roommate issue, every possibility boils down to two basic patterns: (1) He’s a catalyst, a way to transition out of a complex relationship, and not a long-term part of her life. Seen that lots, with teenagers and with adults. Sometimes, it’s useful to have someone like that. (2) He is the real thing, a long-term part of the life she has now, not the life she had in high school. Would you tell your child to turn her back on True Love because it looked bad? I wouldn’t. Sometimes, you have to tough it out, and 20 years later it won’t seem like such a big deal.</p>

<p>In my family, we have an interesting variation on this. My sister-in-law was married right after college to her college boyfriend. After two or three years, the 70s happened to them – the relationship got “open”, and then got rather more open than one of them felt comfortable with, and then they stopped living together. She wound up with his best friend, for close to 30 years now, and two children, both of them adults. Neither of them even knew their mother had once been married to someone other than their father until they were 18 and 20 (even though, get this, she has always used her first married name professionally). Was there an awkward moment or two in there along the way? I’m sure, but who cares now?</p>

<p>Earlier this year, however, I learned that my mother-in-law had kept up regular correspondence and telephone calls, and occasional visits, with her daughter’s ex for 35 years. She now has Alzheimer’s; it has fallen to me to read her his letters, and to let him know what was going on. I have to say this: What my mother-in-law did was weird. He’s a nice guy and all, but when her daughter married someone else and had children with him (almost in that order), she should have dropped the relationship.</p>

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<p>JHS: Agree with all of the above. The only exception is the rare instance in which a break-up if very amicable and the child does not mind the parent’s continuing friendship.</p>

<p>When my parents separated after 25 years my father continued to look in on my mother’s parents. It was a family, and my grandparents had no son to do their heavy lifting. I think it made my mother feel less guilty since she was the one who wanted the marriage to end.</p>

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<p>When break-ups are very bad, I certainly wouldn’t maintain any contact. However, the OP (from what we can tell) doesn’t make it sound like a terrible break-up, only that the ex is hurt. I see no problem with her continuing talking with him occasionally–he will move on, she doesn’t need to feel that she has to slam the door on him.</p>

<p>My d. broke up with a great guy because their goals were so different. They both moved on and are dating other people. My d. still emails with him some and so do I. Of course she knows that he and I still “talk” occasionally–I would never hide communications from her.</p>

<p>My youngest son broke up with a girl his freshman year. Ended up being very emotional–lots of tension, anger, tears and threats (from her). He stayed away from her family after the break-up; but now that it has been a year and the girl has moved on, he visits the family when in town. After all, he had vacationed with them, played cards on the weekends with them, gone to the brother’s sporting events and had holiday meals with the grandparents. He, the family and the girl seem comfortable with this at this point.</p>

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<p>I must say I never expected this kind of response. Thank you all for you insights and sharing your experiences.
Clarification…
Both boys have emailed me directly.
I am sure it was my daughter’s doing.
At least with the new BF otherwise he wouldn’t have gotten my email address.
Her way of letting me know she knows what she is doing.
As for ex. after 6 years of him being a part of our family’s life, I think of him as another son. I have a son 6 years my daughter’s elder. I know he feels betrayed and has every right to feel that way.
I love my daughter. I respect her choice to break-up with him because I understand he is a high achiever, as she is but he was always a little ahead of her so I know this was hard for her.
She is finding her own footing and I am strongly encouraging this.
I guess the biggest issue for me is leaving a long time relationship and getting involved with someone else right away.
Her new BF and I have discussed this and I think I understand the main idea is that he is in it for short term and not looking at anything long term.
Hence my concern that D didn’t take time to decompress before heading off into another relationship.
I am just dreading knowing she will get hurt over this.
But she is 20 years old and is responsible for her own decisions. I understand it is out of my hands. I am here for her and she knows that.
I am staying out of it.
Thank you all again for your insight.</p>

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<p>Its called a rebound…happens all the time…and its creating a buffer in probably a safe way for D, lets Ex know she has moved on, but for her its not serious…</p>

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<p>Trapper, be careful what you wish for. I don’t think you really want your mom to be that involved in your relationships. If she follows suit, she won’t want to even meet your BFs because she might miss them too much if you break up. I don’t want to call something abnormal, but I don’t think it is healthy. Being sad is one thing, but heartbroken to that point? To be a bit blunt, it’s not about her.</p>

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<p>cartera45
The term is heart-sick not heartbroken.
There is a differance.</p>

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<p>Read my post Thank you all again for you insight.</p>

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<p>I think your daughter probably made a wise decision to date others before settling down with the same person she’s been with for 6 years.</p>

<p>I’d be a shoulder to cry on for the ex but other than that, don’t get involved. Whatever you do, do not side with the ex!</p>

<p>Also don’t judge the new boyfriend or compare him to the ex. It’s natural that you might favor the ex, since he was almost family. But your daughter’s future is what’s most important. The ex will recover and move on. Respect your daughter’s decision. I would much rather have her do this than marry someone and later split up. Let her take her time before making such a commitment.</p>

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<p>CNovak - I was referring to Trapper’s post where she said her mother was so heartbroken that her brother broke up with his GF that she didn’t want to meet the new GF because she was afraid she would like her. It wasn’t a comment on anything you said or did.</p>

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<p>^ ^ ^ except that Trapper did not say her mom was ‘heartbroken’ at all, she just said her mom was sad.</p>

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<p>So sad that she herself couldn’t bear the thought of being that sad again, which is just weird</p>

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<p>I think Trapper was referring to her Mom’s feelings when she said this - “I don’t feel that unhealthy at all, people wants the best for their kids and when they think they find the best and they lose it, it’s perfectly normal if they are heartbroken”</p>

<p>If not, I stand corrected but I still think it goes too far when mom is so upset she won’t meet others.</p>

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<p>Wow! I am really surprised that your D has guys emailing you to explain their positions. My daughter would (well I can’t think of an expression that isn’t too crude for here) if any guy she was dating would talk to me at all about their situation.</p>

<p>She has gotten herself into some unusual relationships (she’s twenty also), but I totally trust her to know what she needs. Her point is that it’s not bad to be hurt as long as she has a chance to really live her life. I agree with her.</p>

<p>Remember Mae West’s line? Everyone wants to protect me. I can’t figure out from what.</p>

<p>So, OP growing pains are necessary for growth. But I do empathize with your sadness. You are experiencing a loss. But it will pass.</p>

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<p>I think things are on the mend.
Reminded exBF if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all.
Anyway, Got email from ex his grandmother is sick in the hospital. He needed to share this with my daughter as Gram really liked her. He said she emailed back and has been very supportive and helpful to him. She is making Grandma a get well card.
Pheww!!! I really don’t care if they get back together or not I just want them to be able to remain friends. Sounds like they are.
I will remain a sounding board for them.
As for daughter letting BFs email me, mostly I think it is her idea.
She and I have a unique relationship.
Family is very important to her and she knows if I have any insecurities about this new BF, I would not be able to rest.
So she told him to be honest with me because she knows I would see through anything else. He was and I respect that so I am ok.
I have always let D make her own decisions and whenever she has wavered I have encouraged her to move forward as it was her decision, so she knows I only have her best interest at heart. In her education and her life.
That’s what Moms do when they fall, we pick them up, kiss their booboos and encourage then to continue on.</p>

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<p>Sorry cartera45
Misunderstood.</p>

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<p>CN, sounds like you and your daughter have a warm and open relationship. Good job!</p>

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<p>Glad to hear that things are settling. You and your D have a very unusual relationship, in a good way. If you don’t mind my asking, would you say that she was looking to end the relationship anyway, and the easiest way was to go with someone who is not serious about her? </p>

<p>I read through the entire thread again, and am embarassed by some of the insinuations here. But you have taken it all very well.</p>

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<p>^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Yes - one must first have a heart in order to be heart-sick. </p>

<p>Thanks for reporting that the situation is resolving itself. This scenario is more common than many realize.</p>

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<p>yes you must have a heart to be heartsick…</p>

<p>I have a heart, and I also have a brain</p>

<p>Love how posters will suddenly do an about face when challenged, the change from the first post to the last was truely astonishing</p>