Advice - Family dynamics, I'm an adult, but still the child! :)

Parent Cafe
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<p>So I am curious about a family dynamic and whether I am too sensitive or not sensitive enough. We live about an hour from my parents, and I am often stressed because we seem to have different opinions on how often a visit is “often” enough.</p>

<p>When my kids were younger, I could take them down to have lunch, or my folks would come up for a little league game etc. Now though, I have a high schooler and a college freshman. The dynamics of my nuclear family have changed and there are not as many opportunities to get visits in with my folks. Occasionally I will go down there for lunch by myself, but my mom really misses the big Sunday dinners we all grew up with (that don’t really work in today’s 24/7 world)</p>

<p>We are having Thanksgiving at my cousins; my folks will be there as well as my cousins and other family, a larger crowd (which personally I love for that holiday). So today my mom asked if we could get together on Saturday after Thanksgiving, “because it will be hard to have a real visit with so many people at thanksgiving.”</p>

<p>I totally understand that an afternoon with 25 people is not the same as a dinner for 6 at her house. But my college son is only home for 4.5 days, and anyway, I don’t really feel like we need to go down there again 2 days later. I don’t think my mom really understands this. She is of the generation where family is everything, and she loves being with us even if she is just sitting around watching the kids do homework!</p>

<p>Plus, as you can imagine, my DH is not really into this. His mom lives 2 hours away and we don’t see her as often as my folks, so that is another source of tension.</p>

<p>I feel like I have had this conversation with my mom over the years, that while we would LIKE to see them more, I am dealing with a limited amount of time available to do everything (schoolwork, sports, other friends/family etc) and I am making the choices that are best for my family. And I am sorry if I do not share her opinion about how often we should get together.</p>

<p>And of course, in the back of my mind, I know they are getting older and won’t be around forever, so then I feel guilty when I have to say no to things like the Saturday after T day visit. </p>

<p>I guess I am just asking for some perspective here. I know there is no “right” schedule of how often people see their relatives. I have friends whose moms are at every event, book club, etc etc and others who never see them. Each family is different.</p>

<p>And I apologize to all of you who may be hurt or offended at my “problem.” If you have lost your parents or are estranged, i am sorry if this is a sore spot. For me, I hate having so much tension at times when I just want to enjoy their company.</p>

<p>Thanks~</p>

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<p>If your cousins live near your mother, can you go early or later to her house on Thanksgiving to spend a little extra time? I understand the dynamic; my mom also feels that anything other than one-on-one doesn’t really count as a good visit. I would not make that second trip either.</p>

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<p>A few random thoughts…</p>

<p>I am wondering if you might sugget an alternative. A breakfast at your house or out that weekend. Either just you and her or the whole family. Or during the Christmas break. Set up a time that she can look forward to. Maybe set a date for you and she to do holiday shopping and get a dinner out. Or to do a “cocoa and look at holiday lights.” Does she play games or cards? Maybe invite her over for a cards night and tell son (this is all in my head, you understand) that he can go out after 9 when Grandma leaves. </p>

<p>Although she may very well want the “whole fam,” I bet she is really missing you and catching up and this just feels like a good time. </p>

<p>Also, let her know that S is only home for a short while and (likely) has plans to catch up with friends etc…and it (likely) bums you out too because you’ll (likely) barely see him on his 4 days home. </p>

<p>I think it is very hard because so often our older parents feel like we are too busy, that they are intruding but they just want a few hours, and their life isn’t that exciting.</p>

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<p>Well, you’re right, every family is different. But you posted this on a day which is 20 years since my father’s sudden passing. So here’s my take on it: you say there is tension when you just want to enjoy your parents. As I read it the tension is BECAUSE you’re there because although “family is everything” to your mother, to YOU, “family” means you and your busy kids with a visit when you can make it, to your parents’ place. </p>

<p>Maybe you can’t make it for a Sunday meal EVERY weekend, but I do in fact know plenty of people who have such meals "in today’s 24/7 world. So maybe you can compromise and endure a visit every few weeks instead, and your kids can suck it up and do homework there at the grandparents’ home.</p>

<p>My Facebook is filled today with tributes to my father from my parents’ grandchildren aged 9-30, and all of them wish they could have one more get together with them. Only you can decide what kind of compromise works for you, but an hour’s drive isn’t that far (I know people who drive longer just to go to work), and I’m sure your parents would like to see your son too-it’s not like you won’t get many more days with him than they will.</p>

<p>As for Thanksgiving, I’m missing the 13th in a row “back home” where my siblings still live. We’ll have a nice meal here with the in-laws, and THEIR in-laws and a few unrelated people. It will be very nice. But I’ll still wish I was home, and still wish my parents were there too. You asked.</p>

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<p>Maybe your mom or both your parents could visit at your house on Saturday, instead of you going to them. Invite them to help you put up holiday decorations. That way, they could visit with you and the grandkids even if it means watching them dash in and out of the house or doing homework. You would be in your own home visiting and getting things done. :)</p>

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<p>I like TempeMom’s suggestions.</p>

<p>It’s not just a cliche. Every family IS different, and not every family is close in the way sseamom’s family is.</p>

<p>I empathize because my husband and children do not enjoy spending time with my family – it is just not a good match and time together is not a good time. Knowing how it is in my family, I think everyone needs to do what works best, which in my case is often visiting on my own. It’s definitely not a Hallmark card situation.</p>

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<p>OP - I hope you can find time (even if it’s not easy) and go see your parents. If they are only an hour away, it’s no more than 1/2 day effort. I lost both of my parents about 10 years ago within a month apart. There are days I feel like I am willing to do anything to see them just one more time… Enjoy them while they are here.</p>

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<p>sseamom and EC - I am sorry for your losses and very sensitive to how difficult my “problem” must sound to you. </p>

<p>Right now we are talking about having Dh’s brother and family come up on that Saturday. I would LOVE to have my folks come too, for one big gathering, as that is how I grew up and I love big family events. But my MIL would be hurt that she has to “share” her visit with my parents. She is already not happy that we see them more than we see her (she lives 2.5 hours away and does not drive).</p>

<p>And even if BIL can’t come, I know DH would not be keen on a visit from my folks as he already thinks we see them enough and he will get grief from his mother if she hears that they are over [bold] again [/bold]. It puts tension between us when our parents “keep score.”</p>

<p>I do love spending time with my folks for the most part, and Tempe Mom I really think they want to see the kids more than me. Mom stilll relates to my kids like they are in elem school sometimes tho. She always wants to go shopping with me and D. So when I arranged that (explaining to D that sometimes we give a gift to grand mom by spending this time with her) mom kept picking out clothes for D that she did not care for. When mom asks what stores D wants to go to, mom then discourages her from choosing in them (“the jeans are too tight” “This shirt is too plain” etc) and wants to go back to LandEnd or Jones New York. Then my D gets upset that she has to keep saying No to clothes grand mom picks out, or pretend to like them. Mom still doesn’t realize she is trying to tell us what to do (an old family joke by now)</p>

<p>I guess I am looking for advice not just for this holiday but in general. I feel like I can paraphrase Woody Allen: I say, we see them all the time, like once or twice a month! And mom says, "we never see them, only once or twice a month! :D</p>

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<p>Maybe this won’t work, but…</p>

<p>Do your folks have a computer? Could you Skype with them? Maybe it’s a possible compromise. Call more frequently and let them see you and the kids. Plan out in advance with the kids a few topics they might talk about with the grandparents. Your S can tell them about his classes, his new friends at school, his roommate,etc. Maybe grandma can even “meet” a few of his friends who stop by your house. Your D can show grandma her new jeans --and keep quiet about grandma’s comments.</p>

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<p>Could you convince your parents to come to your home on Saturday afternoon? That way you could maybe order take-out, enjoy a visit and then your children could do whatever they want that evening. I agree with a previous poster that the elderly have a lot of time on their hands, and they long for connections with other people. Think you just need to strive for balance here.</p>

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<p>Drive down on Thanksgiving, go back to moms house after the extended family celebration, and spend the night. Drive home on Friday?</p>

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<p>Family traditions have to change as the kids grow up. We always had Thanksgiving at my in-laws and since my parents are just blocks away we would get to see them on that day also. Last year, seeing how my college freshman would only be home for a few days we changed the tradition and had Thanksgiving at our house (inviting my in-laws). My parents were disappointed that we did not see them that weekend but had to understand that our time with our own child is very limited now. We also switched up Easter and instead of seeing any local family spent it with my daughter at college (since she did not have any time off around Easter).</p>

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<p>I can relate to this very same issue. Lately, I find myself thinking how I would feel if I were the grandparent and my kids couldn’t find enough time for me. I don’t want to have any regrets - thankful I have my parents still even though at times the relationship is dicey. Find a compromise - maybe plan something for Christmas break when your college freshman is home.</p>

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<p>I appreciate all your thoughts. I think there is a lot of history in this relationship that is not evident from my posts. But I do agree, i don’t want to have any regrets. We will definitely get together at Christmas, they will come and spend a couple of nights here, but I know they will want a visit before then too.</p>

<p>Complicating things is I am an only child. I do think if mom had another child with a family near by, there would not be the focus so much on me and my family. </p>

<p>And of course this still causes issues with DH as he definitely feels we see my parents more than enough. He has a lot of guilt/sadness that he moved away from his hometown when we got married in some ways.</p>

<p>It is interesting to hear all the opinions. Perhaps I am being too selfish or wanting to set boundaries where there don’t need to be any. It’s just hard to listen to mom sometimes saying, “my friend so-and-so’s kids come over for dinner a lot/invite her to the kids concerts/meet her downtown for a meal.” It’s never that simple for us, having to juggle other commitments. And we do value family, we just demonstrate it differently I guess.</p>

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<p>As my children grow older, I understand that at some point in the nearer-than-I’d-like future, I’ll be the grandparent hoping for a visit. I hope not to put undue pressure on my family yet I also hope that no one views time with me as undue pressure.</p>

<p>Several suggestions:</p>

<p>Do your parents drive? Could your parents come for lunch on Saturday? Could you meet midway for brunch, lunch, dinner, or even coffee, if that’s more convenient?</p>

<p>Make arrangements to see your mom the weekend after Thanksgiving - perhaps staying overnight.</p>

<p>Make plans now with your mom for a couple family activities to take place over the extended Christmas holidays. Perhaps your kids would be willing to spend an afternoon with Grandma without you (helping with Christmas preparations).</p>

<p>Have your son and daughter spend some quality time with grandparents at the family dinner. Take grandma on a walk or to a quieter room to visit for a half hour or so. </p>

<p>If you present spending time with your mom as an inconvenience … you’d like to but … it may turn around on you one day. If you present it as a puzzle to be solved … little time but time well spent … hopefully that attitude will carry forth.</p>

<p>All this assumes that the only issue is the time issue and that time with your parents can be valued. I know that’s not always the case.</p>

<p>I’m another one who’s lost both parents. I totally understand finding time now is difficult but finding time too-late is impossible.</p>

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<p>Does your mom actually see the kids and you once or twice a month? If so, I think she should count her blessings. She’s lucky that you live close enough to see her that often.
Does your mom drive? If so, why don’t you meet her for lunch halfway between homes during the holidays and share what the kids are doing, or maybe bring your daughter along for the lunch (skip shopping) for awhile, and then let her go her own way. (You and Dh can take two cars.)
Mostly, I think she wants to feel a part of your lives. How often do you talk on the phone? I found that if I call my mom more frequently, she doesn’t “need” to see me as often.<br>
I truly get where you’re coming from, and sympathize. I think some kind of compromise might be possible, though, where she feels she’s being included, but you’re not arranging your family’s schedule around her wishes all the time.</p>

<p>I see I’ve cross-posted with ignatius. It’s about making time for her, not necessarily doing it all her way.</p>

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<p>Surfcity…from one only child to another, I send you hugs. It is a unique blessing to be an only. We are the light of our parents’ lives, and they have no others on the planet that they are more connected to. A blessing to be so loved, so needed…but also a great pressure. If WE don’t call, visit, write…who will? I can’t enjoy certain holidays because I worry about mom ( dad passed. 8 years ago) six hours away. It’s hard to get out there as much as I’d like, and sometimes I am resentful that she didn’t move closer when dad passed. Unreasonable? Probably, as she has a few good friends, a beautiful house, and feels comfortable driving in her small town. But recent health issues mean I may be spending more time away from my family to care for her. These are the times when I am so glad we chose to have more than one child. I don’t ever want my kids to feel this worry and guilt.</p>

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<p>I like Ignatius’s suggestion to ask your kids to spend time alone with Grandma at the TG dinner. Even if it’s just 15 minutes per grandchild, that would let her know that they value time with her. Perhaps Grandma finds it difficult to hear well in a crowded room or can’t follow multiple conversations at once. (She may not want to admit, even to herself, if she’s experiencing some hearing loss.)</p>

<p>If you don’t have other issues that make contact unpleasant for you, then the suggestion to schedule regular Skype chats would probably help a great deal. You could offer a few options for day/time and set a limit of 15 minutes or whatever works for you, then when your mother expresses sadness at not seeing you more often you can tell her that you’re sorry, too, but you look forward to your Skype chat each Thursday.</p>

<p>Planning some time together in advance might help, too. As soon as you know your sports and activities schedules for the upcoming quarter/semester, put some visits on your calendars and remind her that you’re looking forward to them when you chat. That may help you set the boundaries you seem to need without causing your mom to feel unwanted. </p>

<p>It also sounds like it could be a good idea to change what you do together, and to skip the shopping trips or other activities that make you (or your kids) feel stressed. My late MIL was content to just hang out at our house, fold laundry as she chatted with whoever was around, and if I had to take the kids to a class on that day she would just make some coffee and read her book until we were free again. She and my FIL would go with the kids to walk the dog, giving them time together without Mom or Dad around. Once I no longer tried to “entertain” my in-laws, I enjoyed their visits a lot more.</p>

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<p>Surf city, I can relate. My mom is a little less than an hour. She however is alone (dad died years ago) and she doesn’t drive out of her town at all - never has. Usually try to get a visit in every other weekend or sometimes bring her here to stay with us for a night. I sympathize with you and know that you don’t not appreciate seeing them - and you shouldn’t feel guilty (well not too guilty!). I love seeing my mom but there have also been many trips that I made that were -if I’m being honest - not really enjoyable because I went because I felt like I had too instead of felt like I wanted to. Others may not see this, but some weekends 1/2 day is a lot to give up. </p>

<p>It’s difficult - our lifestyle is much different than hers was - she didn’t work outside of the home, when some of us went to college, she and my dad didn’t visit us, they had a small house that didn’t require much upkeep, etc. much simpler. I think though we are not her as busy as other Families we are busy! </p>

<p>I don’t ever want to regret not seeing her enough, but I’m also not keeping score. </p>

<p>Best of luck next weekend!!</p>

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<p>I would make arrangements for another visit (Can you tell her you’re visiting with your in-laws that day? Surely she understands that your H doesn’t get to visit with his family as often)–sometime around Christmas when your kids have a longer break?
I think your mom should be fine with that–just make sure you and your kids have some conversation time with her on Thanksgiving. I think seeing her once or twice a month since you’re close by, and talking to her on the phone once or twice a week when you don’t see her is reasonable. </p>

<p>I am in the opposite position–I’m from a big family, and no one particularly wants to see me. My mom always had her own busy life and wasn’t that interested in keeping up with every detail of mine. I see my parents/sibs, most of whom live around the same area, once a year in the summer, only for 3 days (plus 2 days of driving). Never holidays since the weather is unpredictable in the winter. I would always call my mom on holidays. Often would say, “It’s a good thing YOU’RE not here. . .because then it would be too crowded.” Or “I can’t waste time talking on the PHONE now–I’ve got PEOPLE HERE!” (my parents have 7 kids, and 23 grandkids, 7 of whom are my kids).</p>

<p>My mom had a stroke a couple years ago and her personality changed. She hangs up on me every time I call her (which I still do, about once a week.) She had a broken hip and is in a rehab unit now–probably not coming home for Thanksgiving. I am so fortunate to have wonderful siblings who look after our parents very attentively. H’s parents are long dead and he hasn’t been to his hometown (where most of his sibs live) since his dad’s funeral 7 years ago. H faithfully drives to my family every summer, but has no desire to see his family.</p>

<p>Today I’m feeling sad and guilty because I just found out an old friend of mine died. She was godmother to one of my kids, but we left my home state 20 years ago and never moved back. Sometimes I would visit her when I was in town to see my family. Last summer, we were only there 2 days and I didn’t make time because I wanted to visit with my immediate family. I didn’t think I’d never see her again. Anyway, there is something to be said for making time for people while they are still with us.</p>