<p>Guilt is something tangible that will be with us always. OP is trying to make everyone happy; her husband, her kids, her parents…and there is no easy answer. Try and be honest with your mom…if kids don’t have time…tell her you hate it but that’s the way it is… I can understand that H doesn’t want to spend more time with your parents than with his…probably he doesn’t want to spend more time with either…but they are your parents and if you can explain kids are busy with their lives but you make time for just you with them…leave your H out of it…it’s a form of compromise.</p>
<p>I live a 10 hour drive from my dad and sisters. I wish I could join them every Sunday when they have dinner, or on Fridays when they order out pizza, or for the breakfasts out with my dad,that they get to do weekly.</p>
<p>Does your mom want to visit with your whole family? If so, it’s just ONE meal. I vote for doing it.</p>
<p>surfcity, I feel for you. Can you visit your mom the following weekend? Maybe for lunch, without your husband?</p>
<p>About 4 years ago, I was thrust into the role of caregiver for my dad (then 86) and stepmother (then 88). Trust me, I know about history: every time I walked into their house (many, many times!), I felt like I would be electrocuted if I had to stay too long.</p>
<p>Last year after Hurricane Sandy, they lost power for almost 3 weeks and I had to bring them to my apartment (3 flights up) and send my daughter away to stay elsewhere for two weeks. It was the hardest thing I ever did, and afterward, I just couldn’t destress. So I found a wonderful therapist and it really, really helped. I am a single mom and I don’t have the whole husband issue, but I have had my moments with my (only) kid about how much time and energy my family needs. I am sure my head would have exploded by now without my wonderful shrink.</p>
<p>surfcity, I just reread your original message. One thing that really helped me deal with my dad is that I decided how much I could deal with and did what I had to do when I visited, and then left. For the first month or so, he always invited me to stay for dinner and I always said I had to go home to my daughter. And eventually he accepted that as the norm. The whole thing was a gigantic black cloud for me, and I did what I had to do to cut it down. Maybe you can give some thought to what you can handle with your mom, and then work it out with your husband. I am sure you’ll feel a lot better if you figure out your limits, and then draw the lines you need to be comfortable.</p>
<p>I am starting to consider that maybe this more about the dynamics of my DH and me than I thought. Growing up my family (extended) got together a lot - all the holidays we would BBQ together etc which was nice, because as I said, I am an only child. DH did not have close cousins his age, so they did not do the big Sunday dinners.</p>
<p>My parents do seem to resent if we do something with DH’s siblings and families. We went on a long weekend which was very nice because all the kids could be together at the pool and then me and DH and the sibs could visit. So my folks want to do the same trip but they don’t quite see that it is not the same. It would just be my family plus them. Still a nice time, but no kid interaction, no other adults from our generation to talk about parenting with etc.</p>
<p>We do really all like each other; this isn’t about sucking it up and sitting in grandmom’s drawing room for an afternoon. And I am very lucky that my parents are still pretty healthy and busy on their own. They don’t drive in the dark so that can limit some things, like going to a kid concert at night. Last Thanksgiving they drove an hour here in the morning, then we got in our car and all of us drove another 1.5 hours to my cousins for dinner, then we came back here and my folks stayed overnight. That was heaven for them, and enjoyable for me. I no longer have a vehicle that we can all travel in, so we are not doing that this year. </p>
<p>I really appreciate all these comments and I am trying to put it all together in my head with all the other aspects of our relationships/lives. Everyone who said you don’t want to have any regrets is correct</p>
<p>And yes, to the person who said I am trying to make everyone happy, I definitely am. My college son who wants to sleep, do homework and see HS friends, my DH who wants to see his family too or at least not get a guilt trip from his mom about seeing my parents twice in one weekend, my folks who want us to come over for a second turkey dinner, and me - and I don’t know what I want, other than for everyone to be happy and content!</p>
<p>“Last Thanksgiving they drove an hour here in the morning, then we got in our car and all of us drove another 1.5 hours to my cousins for dinner, then we came back here and my folks stayed overnight. That was heaven for them, and enjoyable for me. I no longer have a vehicle that we can all travel in, so we are not doing that this year”</p>
<p>If it was Heaven for them and Enjoyable for you…Do it again! </p>
<p>I respectfully suggest that renting a vehicle is not all that expensive for a day or two --and the memories would be worth it. And, with a college kid home and a high schooler, you may find that an extra set of wheels over the Holiday weekend might be handy. It seems our two always need a car at the same time to visit their pals…</p>
<p>This is so true:
One summer we spent an entire month working from the in laws house. As we left, MIL said, “I’ve hardly seen you” but we had stayed there, including set up an office there and done most meals there. It is hard to know who is accurate in their understanding.</p>
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<p>After we moved far away, my parents would come visit and because travel was physically tough on my mother, they would stay for a month or so. One year, FIL decided that if my parents could come stay for weeks, so could he. They were all there for Christmas, overlapping two full weeks. DH & I slept in the garage in the back of our truck! After that, FIL literally told me he never wanted to be there again with my parents :eek: because he was jealous of their easy familiarity with my home & family. Um, ok. So, when my mother moved in with us a few years ago we decided never to tell the in laws so they don’t simmer in their jealousy!</p>
<p>Surfcity,
I believe you have answered your own question, in post #8. Your mom treats your grown children as though they are little kids. Shopping between the 3 generations is painful. Mom is upset that granddaughter doesn’t listen to her, and your daughter gets no joy at the outing. </p>
<p>What does your mom say when you two are alone, and you discuss her behavior? Can she learn to accept her granddaughter’s style? If not, I’d firmly let her know that I’m not including her again because she doesn’t make the outing fun. Perhaps there is something else: manicures together? lunch?</p>
<p>I think I would encourage my kids to spend a little alone time with grandmom at T-day. Without being rude, they can act their age and not respond to inappropriate questions.</p>
<p>This: “OP is trying to make everyone happy”</p>
<p>Story of our lives!!! :)</p>
<p>My take on holidays/family/tradition: Number one: Your children are learning about family and it’s importance in your lives. Absolutely don’t go to visit your parents and in laws. Pre supposing that they are nice decent people, your children get that grandparents are a pain. Be aware that sooner, rather than later, your children will have their own families. You may not be in their schedules…I hope that you have friends to fill that empty space. </p>
<p>People of a certain age may not be able to drive to you. And yes, you will get there sooner than you want.</p>
<p>Real conversations (and connections) don’t happen at big parties. They happen at night or during the day when people relax and just talk.</p>
<p>And yes, I would be so grateful if I had another day with my parents. But I can honestly tell you that we spent a lot of time together. My parents were wonderful people. We didn’t spend with my in laws. They weren’t wonderful or kind.</p>
<p>Please, do find time to meet your parents on that day, or arrange with them to meet on a more suitable day. I will probably give up everything to spend one more day with my grandparents…</p>
<p>Life is too short…</p>
<p>SO. . . I get the feeling that maybe I am not explaining myself clearly.</p>
<p>Yes, in a single, discrete instance, it’s easy to say, you should definitely go see your parents. And maybe that is the right decision.</p>
<p>But what about when we agree to come down for a Sunday dinner. Then mom wants to see the tennis match. Then she wants us to come down next weekend for dinner with Aunt Susie. Then can we go shopping on Sunday.</p>
<p>I would LOVE to do ALL of these things. But at the same time, my kids have homework, my DH has work (he works at home), I have a project due, my son wants to see his girlfriend etc.</p>
<p>How do you say or know when to say, we’d love to see you but we can only come down twice this month, not every weekend?</p>
<p>Anyone care to chime in on how I should handle my DH, who struggles with not wanting to see my parents every weekend because we can only see his mom every other month or so, and she gives him grief about seeing my folks so much?</p>
<p>I certainly don’t think the answer is to NOT see my parents just because HIS mom has a problem. But it is difficult for him because my folks are healthy and his mom is not in great shape and he;s already lost his dad, so it’s painful sometimes to be reminded of that. I used to take the kids without him, but my mom thought it was odd that he didn’t want to be part of the family. Hard to explain to her sometimes.</p>
<p>I guess I’m also reacting to feeling a little smothered, If I call mom and ask if she is busy on Thursday, she’ll immediately say, “Oh i have a meeting but I’ll postpone it if you want to come down.” I feel like I’m responsible for her happiness in some ways.</p>
<p>I haven’t read the whole thread, but from the last question posed … Can’t you and kids go see her without your dh? My dh and I split up often.</p>
<p>YOU going settles all those issues. 
DH stays home and the kids go to their friends.<br>
Go to lunch with your mom, or go and sit and drink coffee. Build your relationship.</p>
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<p>I so identify with this. I have found that I haven’t been able to change this. You can’t make someone get a life. 
I feel better about myself if I call her every day, even though I’d rather not. I go down when it has become obvious that it’s time. She lives far enough away that it’s tough so she doesn’t expect it every other week, like yours. I think, if she really is seeing you and your kids twice a month, you should not feel guilty. She may still complain, as is her right, but you don’t need to feel badly that you can’t accommodate her.
As for your Dh, it seems like he misses his dad, and mom, too. Any way to make her more a part of your life? Calls more often? Could she use a smartphone where you could do facetime or send photos of the kids?</p>
<p>Two things:</p>
<p>Don’t tell the in laws when you go, DH’s mom doesn’t need so many details, especially if they are painful. We have come to a point where we rarely mention to DH’s parents what we do with mine. We have always done more with my parents, just the way it is.</p>
<p>I understand the feeling of it never being enough. My mother lives with me and I am very aware that she would accept any time with me, in additional to 24-7 sharing the house (and I work from home.) I know she only leaves the house when I take her, so I feel obligated to take her out whenever I can. But I also recognize that she could choose to try to connect with others in town, she makes nearly no effort at all to do anything with anyone so I have to remind myself that sometimes it is okay not to be her everything.</p>
<p>It is a fine line between being flexible in accommodating your time as you are busier, adjusting her schedule to have you come any time you can versus being desperate about it.</p>
<p>Surfcity, maybe you just need to practice saying, in a very matter of fact but cheerful tone, that you can’t do X but you’re glad you could do Y. Give minimal explanation - dh is busy/the kids are busy - and then change the topic to whatever you’re doing then or something that might interest your mom. If she brings up those extra get-togethers right away, just say, “Like I said Mom, dh has to work (or the kids have practice)…so, where do you want to go for lunch (or whatever you’re doing together) today?” If your mother persists after that, then it’s really okay to sound a tad exasperated as you tell her that you’re sorry that you visiting isn’t enough and you hope the two of you can enjoy the rest of your time together without dwelling on what cannot happen. </p>
<p>It may take some months of retraining your mother about what the new normal is for visits, and she may not like it at first. You can only control your own reactions and behavior, not your mom’s. In the meanwhile, perhaps increasing regularly scheduled phone calls or Skype chats, as others have mentioned, would help make it easier for your mom to deal with less frequent in-person visits.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s smothering for your mom to say that she had other plans but is willing to drop them when it’s convenient for you to visit. She’s telling you her priorities. If she’d had a hard to schedule doctor appointment, she might have asked if you could come another day instead. You’ve made it clear that you’re busy, and it makes sense to me that she’d try to be flexible to accommodate you.</p>
<p>As for your MIL, I agree with others who’ve said to not share so much with her about the time you spend with your parents. She doesn’t have a need to know and it only causes hurt feelings, even though you don’t think her reaction is justified. I wouldn’t push my dh to visit my parents if he didn’t want to, either. My dh and I have often visited our own relatives separately.