<p>Surfcity-
I can appreciate what you are talking about, what you are describing was a big part of my life and such. It isn’t easy dealing with issues like this, and it is very easy to say “oh, you should see as much of your parents as possible, because someday they will be gone”, if the relationship with the parents is not easy, especially in context of having your own family.</p>
<p>I grew up with that kind of situation, and it caused all kinds of friction and problems and messed up stuff. Basically, my dad never separated properly from his family (long story, he was much older than his siblings, in a sense raised them, etc), and there was this dynamic where his extended family dominated our lives, and it wasn’t healthy. Whether it was visiting, or this weird sense of obligation to ‘the family’, it wasn’t healthy, but I grew up with that…and meanwhile, we rarely saw my mom’s side of the family (who to be honest, I liked a lot more than my dad’s family). </p>
<p>The problem is that came down into my own life, and I don’t know how my wife put up with it for so long, we spent a lot of time with my parents (it didn’t help that their relationship was a nightmare), it dominated our lives, either going there or them visiting us, family members showing up unannounced, etc. Yours might not be as bad as this, but your DH may be expressing something there, too, that maybe your parents have dominated things (and not knowing you, just saying he could be right). My mom had to be frustrated and angry (I know she was) with my father’s family dominating like that, and it made life in our household growing up not so great…and I was on the path to doing the same thing, did it for a number of years…</p>
<p>It took me several years of therapy to realize it was unhealthy, and that kids have their own lives and families and parents have to take a backseat. Sure, I would love in the future when my S is married and has kids, if he goes that route, that I would see him, but I also understand his family would be his family, with things they need to do. The key is in setting rational boundaries, some parents as my father especially didn’t realize, don’t make that break and realize their children have grown and have their own lives, where ‘their family’ has to outweight ‘the family’. </p>
<p>To be honest, if it is hard for you to do, remember your kids are picking this up, too, and they can end up with the same problems down the road when they have their own families. My therapist raised 4 kids, she sees them and her grandchildren a lot, but she also has her own life,too. Her kids like each other in part because their dynamic is healthy,whereas I don’t talk to my siblings and yes, the family dynamic is to a large part at fault.</p>
<p>On the other hand, I would like to think my son when his time comes knows we understand, and that any time we have with him and his family is a blessing, but that they have their own lives. We are close with our S, and I am sure he will keep in touch, if through texting and whatever comes down the road, so we will know about what is going on, and time we spent together I hope will be precious, but also know his life has to take precedence. </p>
<p>I understand the guilt issues only too well (my dad was Italian-American, need I say more? <em>lol</em>) and as children it is hard not to, because our parents spent a lot of time and effort and sacrificed to raise us…but then again, that is what a parent is supposed to do, it is what I do for my son (and quite honestly, what I have done makes what my own parents did pale in comparison in many ways), and while I can hope he wants me part of his life going down the road, it isn’t an obligation, because he is his own person and will have his own family and my part in that is up to him, not me. It is a hard pill to swallow, i can understand that, but it is how it has to be, when kids become adults they have their own life, and we as parents have our own, and they will mix, but not at our beck and call as parents. </p>
<p>I wish you luck, I encourage you to think about your family life, with your DH and kids, and think about what is fair to them and DH and try to find a middle ground, that will give your parents access to your life but also is not overbearing, and think about it because in the not all that distant future, your kids will have their own life and you will be facing it from the parents perspective:). I wish you well, and know that in the end, your parents will love you even if they grumble a bit, if you set reasonable bounds with visiting and such:)</p>
)so we are free for the weekend. But we decided to go back to my parents house after the Thanksgiving dinner at my cousins.</p>