Advice for dateless daughter!!

<p>Oh my. My daughter poured her little frustrated heart out over the weekend about her lack of dates and lack of a serious boyfriend ever type stuff. Hubby and I were very against her dating at all until 16 (call us old fashioned but they were are rules and not what this about) Her freshman year, a freshman boy came to our home to ask my husband if he could take daughter to homecoming and husband said no. She was only 14. That single incident put the fear in most young boys at the school in regard to daughter. (funny but not funny at the same time) Fast forward three years, daughter is 17 and has never gone on a romantic type date. </p>

<p>Now this is a mom talking but I believe guys are just plain intimidated by her. She is very pretty, long hair, beautiful teeth and skin, takes really good care of herself, works out, has a killer body (the kind that make women my age growl about…lol), dresses classic and nice, no low cut, too short stuff, smart, ranked high in class…blah blah blah. She is very out going. Has tons of “guy” friends. But I believe she is hung up on Mr. 9th grade homecoming, that she is simply not receptive to anyone else. Mr. 9th grade and her have been “friends” for many many years and I believe she thinks he is the “it” guy. Of course he has a girlfriend who will go to college next year, but I feel like she is hanging on expecting him to be a Turkey Drop or better for her a summer split. This guy of course makes it bad by flirting with her all the time, telling her how beautiful she is, etc. She tells him comments like that are not appropriate given the situation but I know she loves it all the same. </p>

<p>I feel like setting her up on blind date…lol…</p>

<p>are you sure she is not the clone of my junior daughter? the story is eerily similar…down to the “of course he has a girlfriend who will go to college next year”… and Mr 9th grade; etc…? friends for many years? tells her she is amazing? </p>

<p>I’ll give you the advice I gave her…Mr 9th grade is not happening beyond “friends”…if there is noone else that you want to be with, just hang out with your friends (mostly guys)…college will be a blessing…</p>

<p>have to admit though…it’s torture watching this so I feel your pain…</p>

<p>edit: and she poured her heart out to me last week; of course, spared her father…</p>

<p>Most of the academically fast track girls I noticed who were in my S’s class weren’t dating in high school. They tended to do things in co-ed groups of friends.</p>

<p>Lots of the students went to homecoming and other events with their co-ed groups of friends. </p>

<p>I don’t think there is as much romantic dating with high school students now as there was when many of us were young. There seem to be more male-female platonic friendships than romantic couples. Unlike what existed in the old days, girls don’t seem to be viewed as losers if they don’t have a romantic partner.</p>

<p>We had the same rule in our house, except it was 15. D1 told me when she was 14 that all good guys would be all taken by the time she’s 15. </p>

<p>Not to worry. D1 didn’t have a real BF until 19. Now we can’t keep them away. D1 said it’s over rated.</p>

<p>You know, she might be hanging on partly because he has a girlfriend…I think so many girls this age like the idea of a boyfriend, but find the reality unnerving…so there’s some Mr. Perfect and Unattainable…and then, they get older and really click with someone and it all happens naturally. Among D and friends, most go to dances with a boy who’s a friend. As D said in horror when I mentioned one boy or other: “Mom, he’s a teenage boy! There’s nothing worse!”</p>

<p>And? She’s only 17. I have a 17 year old - a solid 8 on a guy’s 10 point scale - and she’s not really interested in dating. Her older sister NEEDED a boyfriend and still gets hung up over that. The differences for them is the older one needs the external validation and the younger doesn’t. The older one is so freaking smart she’s hung up on what guys think because that’s the one area she can’t analyze and understand. The younger one was born self-contained.</p>

<p>No one can describe your kids to you as well as you can to yourself. </p>

<p>As to intimidation, yes that happens. A few of the hottest girls I’ve ever known did not have dates in high school. That changed in a hurry when they moved into the world. And the reasons varied and included being more moral than the guys, being shy, being too energetic (like a hyper-girl), and in one case being the wrong ethnic group (and wow did those guys miss out). </p>

<p>Remember that movies and TV shape an image of high school that bears only a passing resemblance to the real thing.</p>

<p>My 17 yo D isn’t really all that interested either. And that’s fine. She’ll bloom in college.</p>

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<p>We must have gone to the same school…so many beautiful, bright, interesting girls who were never asked out.</p>

<p>We all know that things change after high school (thankfully!) but that’s not a lot of consolation for now. Depending upon the culture of the school there may or may not be a lot of social pressure to “have a boyfriend”. At our local HS for example everyone attends homecoming and prom and its about 50/50 as far as going with a date or going single. My relatives in another part of the country were horrified to hear that anyone would attend a school dance without a date.</p>

<p>collegeshopping - as for your D, I suspect that you have hit it on the nose that she is only receptive to this one guy and the others are picking up on it. Unless you can get that across to her (gently), I am not sure what else you can do.</p>

<p>My daughter is in the same boat. She is a senior and never been on a date. She would rather go to the homecoming dances with her friends, several of whom are attractive girls who have never been on a date either. The one who always seems to have a boyfriend? My D says she regularly puts out. So I am very happy with my daughter the way she is…beautiful, intelligent, and she has plenty of time for that other stuff. Like my step daughter told me, she didn’t date in high school, but she sure made up for it in college.</p>

<p>To put things into perspective, girls mature earlier than boys do, and many high school have no interest in dating even though the girls their age may be very interested in doing so.</p>

<p>Okay here is my theory for what it’s worth. My D is a college freshman who hasn’t dated. Her older brother didn’t date until he was 20 years old. With the girls I think that high school boys tend to gravitate toward the homecoming queen/popular type and/or the girls who are very needy. They are less mature than the girls and are intimidated by girls who know who they are and aren’t needy. The girls who date the youngest are often those without a solid father figure in the picture. Agree with Susanr64 on the “putting out” issue too. Lots of girls are willing to have sex with guys on the first date or second…</p>

<p>My older son broke up with his girlfriend before the holidays. He told me it was just too much work and she was too needy and serious. Told me that if he wanted to have sex he could “hook up” with someone. Thanks son! TMI. (and before you all post I did have a long talk with him about that!)</p>

<p>Not dating in High School?</p>

<p>FYI–These days that’s a GOOD thing.</p>

<p>Here is D1’s theory about smart girls and guys - It’s more embarrassing for a guy to be turned down by a smart girl than a dizzy girl. When a smart girl rejects you, you know she has thought it through, and clearly you weren’t right(good enough) for her. When a dizzy girl rejects you, she could just not know(too stupid to know) what she is missing.</p>

<p>On the bright side, boys are the number one cause of teen pregnancies, so it’s not all bad.</p>

<p>oldfort, I love it.</p>

<p>It’s not just girls…My college soph. S never had a date in h.s. (didn’t go to jr. or sr. prom) as far as I know.
If he has dated anyone since going to college, it’s a secret. </p>

<p>He’s not the least bit intimidating, has lots of friends and seems to be generally well-liked. He’s just a regular guy, not movie star handsome or academically brilliant but is a 6’ tall-200 lb. ex. h.s. football player,boyishly cute, average student. I know there are girls who are part of his “group” at college but he’s not attached to any one. He will be twenty years old in exactly one month!</p>

<p>Ask your daughter what role she wants you to play. As her parent, you obviously have to set ground rules that are consistent with your family’s culture and comfort level. Does your daughter want you to listen, provide feedback, suggest options? Take your cues from her. She has her whole life to develop romantic relationships with men. Until she knows who she is and what she can bring to a relationship, she should focus on developing herself and relationships with all sorts of people…young, old, men, women, singles, couples, etc. Life is not a race, it is a journey she should live fully every day. Good luck.</p>

<p>If she were older I would introduce her to my DS2. I was happy he didnt have a steady girlfriend in high school…then in college, he was busy with school, working, etc. Now he’s in grad school and trying to figure out why so many girls want a “bad” boy…Some days I think he’s too picky…but then again, that could be a good thing. Who knows??</p>

<p>"and in one case being the wrong ethnic group (and wow did those guys miss out). "</p>

<p>Hmmm…what does THAT mean? NVM…</p>

<p>Having watched two boys go through high school I noticed that there are more kids that pal around together these days than pair off. Of course there are always the “little couples” as the teachers call them and both my boys had one friend who seemed to always have a girlfriend, but more often or not it’s a group of kids that go out together and do things. The only time the pair offs seem to crescendo is homecoming dance and prom…even then if there is a “couple aspect” there are usually about 4 or 5 couples going together. I’m glad my boys didn’t pair off in HS and if I had a daughter I’d feel the same way. I’m not sure if the girls are happy with this or not, but the boys in our region don’t seem to be anxious to have a one and only girlfriend in the traditional sense.</p>