Advice for dateless daughter!!

Parent Cafe
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<p>Not sure how I came across in the original post, but I am not disappointed that she is not dating. I just don’t want her feeling like she is lacking is what ever she thinks guys are looking for. She is pretty conservative. Even if she dated, I suspect she would not “put out” and we certainly have spoken deeply and often about sex outside of marriage and if she ever wanted to do that she better think deeply about before doing so. Sex is not love, etc.</p>

<p>I was SO proud of her this afternoon when she came home and said Mr. 9th is completely disrespectful to Ms. 12th grade when he tells my daughter how pretty she is, how beautiful her eyes are etc, and even if Ms. 12th grade was not in the picture, the disrespect would always be part of who he was as a person and to her that is unacceptable, so even if Mr. 9th grade was available, she would not date him. Pretty cool ugh?</p>

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<p><<i was=“” so=“” proud=“” of=“” her=“” this=“” afternoon=“” when=“” she=“” came=“” home=“” and=“” said=“” mr.=“” 9th=“” is=“” completely=“” disrespectful=“” to=“” ms.=“” 12th=“” grade=“” he=“” tells=“” my=“” daughter=“” how=“” pretty=“” is,=“” beautiful=“” eyes=“” are=“” etc,=“” even=“” if=“” not=“” in=“” the=“” picture,=“” disrespect=“” would=“” always=“” be=“” part=“” who=“” as=“” a=“” person=“” that=“” unacceptable,=“” available,=“” date=“” him.=“” cool=“” ugh?=“”>></i></p><i was=“” so=“” proud=“” of=“” her=“” this=“” afternoon=“” when=“” she=“” came=“” home=“” and=“” said=“” mr.=“” 9th=“” is=“” completely=“” disrespectful=“” to=“” ms.=“” 12th=“” grade=“” he=“” tells=“” my=“” daughter=“” how=“” pretty=“” is,=“” beautiful=“” eyes=“” are=“” etc,=“” even=“” if=“” not=“” in=“” the=“” picture,=“” disrespect=“” would=“” always=“” be=“” part=“” who=“” as=“” a=“” person=“” that=“” unacceptable,=“” available,=“” date=“” him.=“” cool=“” ugh?=“”>

<p>Yes that shows she is learning good judgment about the opposite gender, which will be very important when she gets older! And it’s great she feels comfortable sharing this with you.</p>
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<p>Guys will do what women allow them to. The sooner she figures out that part of the interaction, she will have the upper hand.</p>

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<p>In these days of so called gender equality, it is still a little bit surprising that most girls want boys to ask them out rather than asking boys out. I guess that will never change.</p>

<p>Most girls do not know who to communicate to boys that they want the boys to ask them out. If a girl is capable of such communication, it seems that many boys aren’t able to read that message. I doubt that will change either.</p>

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<p>Have Son, 24yo, with master’s in CS. Working. Saving money. Likes hiking, biking, camping, & adventures. Enjoys classicals. Sensitive to other’s feelings. PNW location.</p>

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<p>With 2 Ds (1 in college, 1 in high school) I genuinely think kids who don’t date in high school aren’t missing a thing any more. At our school the kids still go to the formal dances (just in groups – D2’s 3 best girl friends are coming over for a fancy dinner on Saturday night, then they are all going to the semiformal as a group). They don’t sit home and wait for a date. </p>

<p>D1 was sooo busy with sports, scouts, speech, choir, 4H, and her group of friends (boys and girls) that there was no time for a boyfriend. D1 found a very nice boyfriend near the end of freshman year of college, and that was plenty soon enough for her. Seems like the girls in her class who did date in high school had more academic issues and separation issues when choosing a college. </p>

<p>Collegeshopping, even with a bit of angst on her part, sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders if she sees the flaws in Mr. 9th grade’s flirty behavior.</p>

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<p>Smart girls also make better and more interesting friends. So there is this problem too…</p>

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<p>D1 and a young man have been friends since HS. They seem to be perfect match for each other, but I think they are such good friends they are afraid to ruin a good thing. Sometimes good friends are harder to come by.</p>

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<p>“In these days of so called gender equality, it is still a little bit surprising that most girls want boys to ask them out rather than asking boys out. I guess that will never change.”</p>

<p>In our household you can blame that on her father and I. We are pretty old fashioned that way. We have always felt by letting our daughter’s know that you don’t make the first contact, it teaches that having a man is not critical to becoming a women. I don’t want my daughter begging for a man’s attentions. I HATE when girls call our home for our sons. (although that has pretty much gone away since cell phones, but before that…) When a young girl calls 3-4 times in a day, certainly if son has not called her back she would get the picture. I guess I just don’t want my daughters to come across as desperate. Just our family culture, but I do see some merit in a college girl asking a guy out for a cup of coffee because goodness knows sometimes a brick across the head can’t even deliver the message…lol</p>

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<p>“…sometimes a brick across the head can’t even deliver the message…” collegeshopping, you are talking about my middle son! He is very sweet, very smart, very good looking…and very clueless.</p>

<p>He is honest about wishing to have a gf. Has no clue of how to go about it. Doesn’t realize there is any hidden agenda when a girl stops by to see if he has good notes from the lecture earlier today…or suggests going for a bite after a study group…or brings him cupcakes just because she was baking…</p>

<p>He doesn’t quite see how that relates to maybe a girl being interested in him?</p>

<p>One of my friends from college runs a matchmaking service. One day he will be one of her clients…</p>

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<p>boysx3, that’s my clueless son. Girl invited him to a movie with a group. It was “New Moon” – so not his type of flick so he says he’ll only go if she pays. She says she will, and he STILL says no, thanks. And then he acted surprised when dh and I clued him in that she was interested in him. Is it any wonder he’s never had a real date??? Boys are so thick sometimes.</p>

<p>Last year, he said he was too poor and too busy to have a gf. We agreed. This year, we’re offering to pay for the dates!!!</p>

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<p>“am not disappointed that she is not dating. I just don’t want her feeling like she is lacking is what ever she thinks guys are looking for”…</p>

<p>exactly; couldn’t have said it better myself…glad to hear the other stories though about others who had little or no dating in HS…</p>

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<p>This is so true. </p>

<p>When my sister and I were in HS our Mom used to say “Any girl can have a boyfriend, she just has to set her standards low enough”.</p>

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<p>“The girls who date the youngest are often those without a solid father figure in the picture”…if that is true, that explains ALOT…my daughter and her dad are attached at the hip, even now at 16…</p>

<p>interesting since the girl who was the youngest girl to date/hook up in our town has an alcoholic for a father…hmmmmm</p>

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<p>“am not disappointed that she is not dating. I just don’t want her feeling like she is lacking is what ever she thinks guys are looking for”…</p>

<p>It is generally the girls who ARE insecure who are “serial daters”. Your D sounds centered and bright. Congratulate yourself and your D. And you need to remind yourself that NO ONE escapes high school without feelings of inadequacy.</p>

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<p>That’s all very well, but sometimes if you want something, you should ask for it. Asking someone if they would like to go to dinner or a movie with you is not begging, it’s being clear and assertive.</p>

<p>I didn’t date until I was 21 (I didn’t set a specific age, that’s just how it ended up working out), and I was fine with that (I’m 24 now). If the problem is simply that she wants “a boyfriend”, maybe she needs some reassurance that being single doesn’t mean that she’s broken.</p>

<p>If there is a specific boy (or girl) that she is interested in, the situation changes. Of course, it’s easier if the other person is already interested in her. If not, then maybe she needs to get to know them well as part of her social circle, and then find some way to show interest (someone good at flirting can maybe do this without asking the other person out, but frankly I wouldn’t count on it - even a good flirter can be dealing with someone oblivious :)).</p>

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<p>I asked H out on our first date (to a sorority function, so that was a built-in excuse). But, he was actually #3 on my list – #1 and #2 weren’t around when I called (and this was in the days before answering machines were common). We still laugh about this!</p>

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<p>“We have always felt by letting our daughter’s know that you don’t make the first contact, it teaches that having a man is not critical to becoming a women. I don’t want my daughter begging for a man’s attentions.”</p>

<p>I don’t see the problem with women’s making the first contact.</p>

<p>After all, when males do that, we don’t view them as being desperate or as seeing having a girlfriend as critical to being a man.</p>

<p>S is shy, and went to homecoming and prom with dates because his female friends asked him. It ended up that the girls were interested in being more than friends, but he was able to gently tell them that friendship was all he was interested in, and both of the young woman remain close friends of his.</p>

<p>I didn’t see anything wrong with what the girls did. If they had kept waiting for S, they would still be waiting, and S would not have had the experience of having a date at either of those events.</p>

<p>Back in the old days, girls who asked guys for dates were viewed as desperate, overly aggressive, possibly even as promiscuous, but just as society has changed its views of what careers are appropriate for women, society also has changed its views about women who ask men on dates. I say, “hooray for that!.”</p>

<p>A funny story about S – in high school he was totally clueless about dating and about the fact that two of his good female friends were romantically interested in him. Once, I had two extra tickets to the theater, and told him he could ask two of his friends to go. He called and asked both of the girls who were interested in him. </p>

<p>Both eagerly accepted and then a few minutes later – after probably both had talked to each other – both called back and withdrew their acceptances. S had no idea why. He had figured that they were both his friends and liked theater so would have enjoyed hanging out together. </p>

<p>Meanwhile, I also was clueless that the mom of one the girls had been cultivating a friendship with me in hopes that I would encourage my S to date her daughter. I didn’t realize that until our friendship ended after the kids graduated from high school and after S made it very clear to her D that friendship was all he was interested in.</p>

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<p>Some Asian parents (refinement: born-in-PRC parents) still think “it’s outside the role for girls to be so outspoken”, even some parents with graduate degrees.</p>

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<p>She will be fine! I am sure she will have a ton of dates once she goes off to college!! Then, when she brings a boy home tell your husband to be nice!! lol! My dad was always the same way! I think you must be good parents!</p>