<p>From what I’ve seen, dating doesn’t seem to be as popular as it was when we were young. College students and high school students I know seem to do things in groups that may include their romantic partner.</p>
<p>Unlike when many of us were young and the world of males and females were very separate, many young people now tend to have lots of friends of the opposite sex, and their romantic relationships often start out as real friendships that develop in a group, not as part of individual dating.</p>
<p>The flip side of this is that some young people have lots of alcohol-fueled casual hook-ups after parties and bar hopping, but don’t have steady romantic partners. I think there’s more of this behavior now than there was when many of us were young.</p>
<p>If your daughter is feeling badly, then that’s important and valid. I happen to think dating is a good thing, within appropriate boundaries, and if the child (of either sex) feels the lack, then it’s a shame. Young people can actually date without being drunk, having sex, or slacking in school. It’s a nice part of being young, and you’re only young once. I can understand your daughter’s frustration, she has to be asking herself if there’s something wrong with her. Which, of course, there certainly is not. I’m not sure that it’s a great thing to teach a young woman that she shouldn’t make the first contact after having created a situation in which young men wouldn’t feel comfortable to do so. One needn’t beat boys off with a stick to teach anything. If the girl has values and confidence, boundaries and an open relationship with her parents, testing the waters with the opposite sex can be a wonderful thing.</p>
<p>I agree with Zoosermom - I think that dating is actually a good thing, not a bad thing (as many of these replies seem to imply). How better to test the waters of romance (within the appropriate limits, as ZM said) and the opposite sex than by dating?</p>
<p>This guy of course makes it bad by flirting with her all the time, telling her how beautiful she is, etc. She tells him comments like that are not appropriate given the situation but I know she loves it all the same.</p>
<p>I would help her discourage her friend from being such a tease by encouraging her to limiting contact to when he can control himself.
It isn’t helping for him to be messing with her head so much. Knowing that she is interested in him, but he isn’t available, it is cruel to behave that way.</p>
<p>neither of my kids dated in high school-
my college freshman, is quite stunning & she has friends that are boys, but she likes to be in control & I expect she won’t date until she meets someone that she likes enough to pursue.</p>
<p>I think knowing yourself is important before pursuing romantic relationships that may move faster than you would like.
I also agree with NSm, group " dating" is much more common all though high school than it was when 30 years ago.</p>
The difference is that she is in control, has made a choice for herself and has the skills necessary to pursue her choices. </p>
<p>It’s the fact that OP’s D is feeling badly that concerns me, and it strikes me that by feeling badly and not having the confidence to make her choices that someone could get badly burned.</p>
I’m sorry to say that this may still be a large part of her problem. Your husband’s decision gave your daughter a reputation in the school–a reputation for having mean parents who won’t let her date, even with a boy who came to your home to ask her dad. I’m sure you, as parents, made the decision based on your principles, but that decision had consequences. I’m wondering if there are things you could do to improve your reputation with her peers. Have you allowed her to have coed parties at your home? Do you welcome her friends to come to your home to hang out? Do you allow her to go out with groups of friends after school on the weekend, or are you very restrictive?</p>
<p>I don’t think kids are dating less. My soph D has a number of friends who have been part of a couple for going on 2 yrs. The 3 couples I have spent time with are all smart kids. They are not fast or party goers. Their exclusive relationships does bug the other kids. For my D in particular she dropped one of the males as a friend when he started blowing off plans with my D because his GF did not want him hanging out with another girl. My D and this boy had been close friends since age 5.
My soph D likes the idea of a BF but the reality is she doesn’t like the pressure. She has several male friends who like to hang out with her.Many of them would like to date her.She is not a girly girl. She speaks her mind. She values the friendships too much to risk a dating relationship. But when a dance rolls around she would prefer a date versus a group.
Both my D’s tend to gravitate to males they can control. Both my girls have strong personalities.
My 20 yr old had a serious GF senior year and into his freshman year. He ended that relationship. He has told me several times at college he could have a GF as several girls have expressed an interest in him. Like someone else said he feels it is too much work. He is busy with his friends and schoolwork. But as Ebeee son’s mentioned he said if he wanted sex it is easy enough to find someone willing. Also more information that a Mom doesn’t want to hear.</p>
<p>Great post Hunt! I think that’s a large part of the problem. There’s also the fact that they haven’t empowered her to be able to drive her own dating train. I just don’t think it’s a great idea to put a girl in the position where others will be in control of something so personal and important.</p>
When I used the word “dating” I meant something more casual. D2 has a long-term boyfriend, but D1 was happy, from junior year on, to go to movies, skating, bowling with various boys over the years. Just really casual dating and I think it was good for her.</p>
<p>How does one define “dating”?
When my D hangs out with a male friend I don’t consider it a date. She has many male friends. She will often hang out with a male friend. Walking the dog at the beach, hanging out at our house, playing XBox with several male friends. Going to the movies with a group of male friends. I don’t consider it dating. I think often that one or more of the males might be attracted to her but she sends a pretty strong message that she is not interested in going there.
I think of dating as something that will possibly lead to a long term relationship. I know couples who I would say are dating that never go on an actual date. They hang out together at school exclusively. Talk on the phone or facebook. Some of them do go to each others houses and to movies and such.
My oldest D has had some long term BF’s. She also recently has gone on several “dates” with men she doesn’t know well. These dates have been the first sort of dates in the vein of what I knew as dating growing up. In HS and even in College you usually know the guy before you begin dating. Her recent dates have been friends of a friend. The actual call up and ask her out to dinner. Pick her up, dine and return her to her door.</p>
It’s the intent of the two individuals, don’t you think?</p>
<p>I guess I (and my girls) just separate out relationships with something more casual. D1 is now in a relationship. They just had their first anniversary. The went on a bunch of actual dates for about two months before deciding to make it “Facebook official.” (I’m kidding about the status thing.)</p>
<p>In my kids’ high school, there isn’t much “dating” as such–but there are relationships, both short and long-term (they call this “going out,” which is a bit confusing). Dates, if they happen, are seen primarily as preliminaries to a possible “going out” relationship. One exception is that kids will get dates to major dances like homecoming or prom even if they don’t intend to “go out” with that person. For parents, this may mean that if you tell a daughter that she can go on dates, but can’t have a steady boyfriend, you might be excluding her from the normal practice at her school.</p>
<p>I don’t agree that OP’s family rule about not dating before age 16 is the source of the problem – we had the same rule and it worked out fine. Not allowing a 14-year-old to date sounds appropriate to me and does not signal that the parents are mean.</p>
<p>The only problem here is that OP’s daughter is currently unhappy about not dating. I think it’s great that she confides in her mother like this and that she has recognized that Mr. 9th Grade’s behavior is disrespectful to his current gf.</p>
<p>I think going out in groups is actually preferable at this age. In my kids’ high school, dating = marriage. It might be worth mentioning to daughter that some of her guy friends are most likely interested in her, but she just hasn’t noticed due to her interest in Mr. 9th Grade.</p>
<p>Daughter should be assured that there is nothing wrong and that relationships will naturally develop when both parties are ready. If there is some boy she would like to date, she should just tell a couple girlfriends to spread this news – problem will be solved.</p>
It may not signal that to *you<a href=“or%20even%20to%20me”>/I</a>, but I’m willing to bet that’s the reputation that these parents got in the school after this incident. Imagine what the boy involved thinks and says about it. My suggestion is just that the parents need to consider whether they can do anything now to help the situation, and that this might include being welcoming to the daughter’s friends, including boys.</p>
<p>Zooser-- I am not selling kids short, I said that some kids are ready. The dating scene and the “waters of romance” are a lot more sexually charged now days. Your kid were ready and that is great. My D was the same way. But six years ago, when she was a senior in HS, MOST girls (small private HS) opted not to “date” . They tended to go out in groups since “dating” implied too much exclusivity.</p>
<p>It’s also good for kids to learn in a safe environment how to deal with members of the opposite sex. It’s good to have mom/dad to support them while learning. I don’t think a kid who gets to college without ever having learned to accept or initiate a date is stood in good stead. But I recognize that others will feel differently and respect that. It’s the daughter’s frustration that I think is the real problem. If she’s feeling badly about something so normal, the parents should help smooth the problem. Particularly since the how of Dad’s refusal might be part of the problem.</p>
I think the waters are much less sexually charged these days. I came of age in the mid-80s and times were much more wild then.</p>
<p>I think it’s all about how you define date. Hereabouts, dating applies not much sexually, whereas “going out” and “hooking up” are much more sexual.</p>