Advice for dealing with a child's heartbreak

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I am glad to see there is a place on here to go for advice from other parents on issues other than the college process. I am desperate. Here goes . . . </p>

<p>My daughter never liked boys in middle school. She didn’t date a lot in high school–mostly group activities, which is so much better than when I was in high school. During the second semester of her sophomore year she started dating a junior. It lasted only a couple of months, but she really liked this boy and became somewhat depressed after they broke up. I was worried about her, but not to the point where I thought she would do anything dangerous.</p>

<p>During her junior year she started liking another boy, who was a senior. This boy liked her, too. The problem is they fought all the time. She told me once that they were so much alike that it was hard for them to get along. (They both are very smart and stubborn.) The relationship became serious and my daughter was either very happy or very sad–not much in the way of a middle ground. I finally took her to therapy because I felt like things were not healthy and she needed some help in how to deal with her feelings.</p>

<p>Well, the bf broke up with her early last summer because he felt it would be better to do so then instead of becoming closer over the summer and having to break up before going off to college. That was fine (not really, but it was accepted) until my daughter heard that he was planning to go out with an ex-gf. This caused her to go over the edge and she made some choices that weren’t too smart (involving her sophomore year bf). She refused to go to therapy anymore. (Actually, she went but refused to talk to the therapist.)</p>

<p>It was a long summer. I took solace in the fact that the next year (this summer) this would all be a distant memory. Wrong. Right before he left for college last August, he started things up with her again. She told him he needed to go to college and have fun and not worry about having a gf at home. She told me she really loved him and wanted him to have a great college experience. Ok.</p>

<p>Well, all year long they have talked off and on. He talks a great talk, but never follows through with anything he says he’ll do. That’s fine–he’s in college and should be having fun. I just wish he would leave her alone. (Why does he keep coming back to her when there a million fish in the sea at college???) Her senior year was not what it should have been. Right now he has done it to her again–expressed feelings and made promises to see her and then not followed up on them. He is always the one to initiate contact and I don’t understand why he does this. This time I am really worried about how she might react. She doesn’t go to therapy anymore. </p>

<p>I thought last summer would be a distant memory, but it seems almost like it’s being re-run this year. I know we can’t make choices for our kids–yes, I know that–but it is torture watching this whole scenario. My sister (who has no children) says I need to just let go because it’s her life. I think that’s a lot easier said than done, but I know I need to do it. It’s making me feel sick inside to watch this smart, beautiful girl get her heart broken over and over again–and then make some not so smart choices in reaction to her pain. </p>

<p>I really can’t wait to not know what is going on, but college is not for a couple of months. This is so painful. What can I do to make it through the summer?</p>

2

<p>I think your job here is to be a sounding board and to validate/interpret what is going on… Whether this boy or another one, boys of 18 or 19 are not very reliable boyfriends in general. When my daughter had similar situations I offered her the perspective that many boys are not capable of being good boyfriends until they grow up more. It is not something she should take personally. </p>

<p>Girls and boys are so different-- help her understand that and have reasonable expectations.</p>

3

<p>You know what, your daughter’s boyfriend sounds like my ex. He always, always, always made promises to see me and then would call on the night and say he was busy, something had come up, etc. Eventually I came to the sad and heatbreaking conclusion that he just didn’t care about me in the same way I cared about him. He was making me feel worthless, like I didn’t deserve a boyfriend who loved me. It took me 18 months to come to that realisation, and it wasn’t easy, but I cut off all contact with him and I have never ever for a single second regretted it. </p>

<p>Your daughter needs to do the same thing, but you can’t demand that she does because it may make her feel more attached to him. You just have to be there for her, and listen to her when she needs to talk. I think you have to let her ride it out, and trust that in time she will come to realise the same thing I did - that he isn’t good enough for her. </p>

<p>In the meantime, try and get her to hang out with friends, spend time with family, travel, take up a new hobby, whatever, just to get her mind off him. She needs to stop reacting to him when he contacts her.</p>

4

<p>Maybe you can try to focus on the choices that she makes when he breaks his promises? Keep the spotlight on her, rather than the pseudo-relationship?</p>

<p>“Honey, I’m worried about some things that you’re doing when you’ve been in contact with him. Can you tell me what’s going on in your head? Maybe there are some safer choices you can make when you’re feeling down.” </p>

<p>Talk about his immaturity only if she brings it up. Maybe that way she won’t feel like you’re questioning the relationship (which of course you are), and it won’t push her closer to him? And then count the days until she’s off on her own new adventure.</p>

5

<p>oh I have just reading about passive aggressive men.
Help your daughter get away from that while the gettings good.</p>

6

<p>“When my daughter had similar situations I offered her the perspective that many boys are not capable of being good boyfriends until they grow up more. It is not something she should take personally.”</p>

<p>SBmom, I agree, but my daughter does take it personally and that’s what worries me. There are many girls who go through this, but they don’t react the way she has. That’s why I got her into therapy.</p>

<p>“He was making me feel worthless, like I didn’t deserve a boyfriend who loved me. It took me 18 months to come to that realisation, and it wasn’t easy, but I cut off all contact with him and I have never ever for a single second regretted it.”</p>

<p>Laylah, I think this might be the way my daughter feels, too. I wish she would cut off all contact, but I would never tell her to do this because I think that she would probably do the opposite of whatever I told her to do. How did you get to the point that you had the strength to cut off all contact? </p>

<p>“Talk about his immaturity only if she brings it up. Maybe that way she won’t feel like you’re questioning the relationship (which of course you are), and it won’t push her closer to him?”</p>

<p>Chedva, I totally agree! I’ve really not said anything negative about him personally to her although I could go on for days!</p>

<p>emeraldkity4, I really don’t know anything about passive aggressive behavior. Do you have some recommended reading about this and men? Aside from this entire worry with my daughter, I am so curious as to why this guy behaves this way.</p>

7

<p>As an ex-unreliable boyfriend, I second SBMom’s simple diagnosis: Many 18-19 year-old boys are not capable of being good boyfriends. It’s a sad burden that teenage girls have to bear, getting emotionally involved with emotionally undeveloped boys. No one should have to do that, but it happens anyway.</p>

<p>One of the things I still feel guilt about is how I treated my 11th grade girlfriend. I broke up with her in the fall of 12th grade (although I “forgot” to make that clear to her for quite awhile), but the relationship flickered back on sporadically in an unhealthy and destructive (mainly to her) way through our freshman year in college. Everyone’s life would have been better if I had had the strength of character to make a clean break with her when I decided I was too ambivalent to keep up the relationship, or if she had had the strength of character to make a clean break with me when she figured out I was ambivalent. But that wasn’t how things went down. Everyone’s life worked out fine anyway, but not without a lot more tears than were strictly necessary and some self-loathing on both sides. I didn’t even attempt another serious relationship for several years.</p>

<p>So . . . from a been-there, done-that perspective, I offer the following: College is scarier that most kids admit, and it’s scariest right before you go and towards the end of the first year, when a student has some real experience of inadequacy and everything isn’t so fresh, new, and laden with possibilities anymore. When people are scared and self-doubting, they often take refuge in the familiar, even if they know in their hearts that the familiar isn’t what they want. What they want seems impossibly out of reach, and maybe they’re not good enough to get it. And cold comfort (or sleazy comfort) is still some comfort.</p>

<p>My guess is that both your daughter and her ex are experiencing slightly different versions of that. That doesn’t make it right, or excuse his actions at all, but it makes things predictable.</p>

8

<p>I would have her read the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” by Behrendt.</p>

<p>I know this is off topic, but I always imagined JHS to be a women…</p>

9

<p>worriedmom - to be honest, I can’t exactly explain what happened to make me snap. It literally came to the point that I was crying myself to sleep every night over him. But then one morning I woke up and I didn’t feel miserable any more - I felt furious. I realised that I was wasting my time, energy and emotions on someone who was not worthy of them. I was making myself sick for someone who couldn’t have cared less. And I got out of bed, picked up the phone and told him I didn’t want to see him again. I’d said it before, but this time I meant it. He kept trying to call me back, writing me emails, sending text messages, but I never answered the phone or replied. I deleted his phone number and all his messages and emails to me.</p>

<p>I got over the anger at him eventually and I forgave him, although I still feel angry at myself for putting up with it for so long. Getting over my anger towards myself has been much harder than getting over my anger towards him. But I’m getting there. :)</p>

10

<p>What do her friends think of the guy and the relationship? I’m surprised they aren’t encouraging her to spend her time in better ways.</p>

11

<p><a href=“http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-aggressive_behavior[/url]”>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-aggressive_behavior&lt;/a&gt;
He talks a great talk, but never follows through with anything he says he’ll do…Right now he has done it to her again–expressed feelings and made promises to see her and then not followed up on them. He is always the one to initiate contact and I don’t understand why he does this.</p>

<p>If your daughter has a good therapist, I would push for her to start up therapy again. She needs to understand why she is attracted to someone who isn’t a good boyfriend- so that she doesn’t repeat the pattern</p>

12

<p>Sounds to me like this: He draws her in, and when she gets closer he pushes her away. When she is distant he draws her closer again. I think that it might be best if she got off his “merry-go-round”. JMO.</p>

13

<p>What do her friends think of the guy and the relationship? I’m surprised they aren’t encouraging her to spend her time in better ways.</p>

<p>Youd be surprised what friends will aid and abet.</p>

14

<p>How about giving “the magic wand scenario” a shot? Ask her what she would do and change if she had a magic wand. Go into as much detail as she will allow.</p>

<p>Tell her that she deserves the great guy she has described.</p>

<p>Then ask her if she thinks this guy will ever be that. And then leave it be. Let her process her own thinking.</p>

15

<p>

Because when he calls he is feeling pangs of loneliness and so he has those feelings and means those promises. At that moment, anyway (kinda like Clinton, eh?). He reaches out to her because he knows she’ll pick up the phone and talking with her makes him feel valued/loveable/etc. Then the pangs pass and he changes his mind. Call it immaturity, selfishness, what have you; its not uncommon in 19 year old boys.</p>

<p>A bigger issue I see here is that that you wrote “She refused to go to therapy anymore. (Actually, she went but refused to talk to the therapist.)” The answer may be a different therapist who can create a safe environment for her to talk. But maybe its because the therapist was prodding her to face issues, understand her role in how she got to where she is, decide where she wants it to go in the future and how to get there --things she just doesn’t want to do at the momen.</p>

16

<p>I went through this same situation w/my DD. The boy was three years older and away at college when she was still in high school. They dated seriously for a year, and then he started going back and forth, expressing his ambivalence. He got most aggressive when she was accepted intp a more elite college than he was in. Not that she cared at all. The day she received the FA award he set out from school 3 hours awasy ready to get back together with her. He had already changed his mind by the time he got to our house.</p>

<p>I got home from somewhere I don’t recall and DD was sobbong. BF was just sitting there. Guilty? Helpless? Sadistic? I have no idea. However this had been going on for weeks and weeks. I walked into the room and told him to leave. I asked him why he’d come to ruin this very exciting day for her and repeated my order for him to leave. DD started screaming at me, "You can’t do that, repeatedly. My answer was, oh, I think I can. Finally, since BF just kept sitting there I demanded he get up then and leave. He was utterly shocked. DD never cried again. I think it never occurred to her that he was not all powerful, and it changed things for her to see him in a less powerful light.</p>

<p>That was two years ago. They have had sporatic contact with BF always initiating it, but hold had been broken. DD can handle him now. She has a current boyfriend, and the situation is very complicated for reasons I can’t go into here, but she is handling it well.</p>

<p>And yes, it did take therapy (which she says did nothing) and a brief period of medication to restore equilibrium.</p>

17

<p>She needs to be firm and stoic in every situation. For example, she should’ve realized that getting worked up over the boy dating his other ex-girlfriend is not worth it. After the break-up, she should have acted without consideration of the boy. Instead of entertaining every phone call, email, etc, she should’ve sat down with him once in person and politely let him know that his gestures are no longer acceptable. While doing so, she should look him in the eye, all the while smiling with unshakable confidence. Before he leaves, shake his hand (or even kiss him on the cheeck/give him a brief but dignified hug) and that’s it. End it right there for good. That boy needs to know she’s in control and that she’s not a back-up option or a toy to play with. I know how 19-year-old boys think because I’ve lived with them. I wouldn’t be surprised if they (including the boy) calls her names behind her back, taking bets on whether he could “score” with her again. The “19-year-old-boy” excuse is not acceptable. In this process, she must reaffirm her class, dignity, confidence, power, grace, poise, stoicism, strength, resilience, and firmness.</p>

18

<p>It’s wonderful you recognized that she needed therapy so early. I would try a new therapist to see if you get a better bond. Her octor may be able to suggest someone. I find that therapists who only see young women can be most effective.</p>

<p>Forget the boy as another poster said and keep your focus on your daughter. She’s not unusual, many young women have problems understanding what a healthy relationship is and taking the steps to get out of bad ones.</p>

19

<p>“College is scarier that most kids admit, and it’s scariest right before you go and towards the end of the first year, when a student has some real experience of inadequacy and everything isn’t so fresh, new, and laden with possibilities anymore. When people are scared and self-doubting, they often take refuge in the familiar, even if they know in their hearts that the familiar isn’t what they want.”</p>

<p>“Because when he calls he is feeling pangs of loneliness and so he has those feelings and means those promises. At that moment, anyway (kinda like Clinton, eh?). He reaches out to her because he knows she’ll pick up the phone and talking with her makes him feel valued/loveable/etc. Then the pangs pass and he changes his mind.” </p>

<p>JHS and mikemac, thanks for your perspectives. He did seem to contact her at times when you would probably want to take refuge in the familiar: before leaving for college, when going through the pledge process for his fraternity, Thanksgiving, Christmas break, his birthday, and now. I know he told her during the first few months he was there that he wished she could be there in person for him to talk to, as he was going through some personal issues and needed her. (It’s always about him, but I guess that’s a kid for you.)</p>

<p>Her friends, both guys and girls, all think she is crazy for putting up with this behavior. I guess that is part of my worry and one of the reasons I thought therapy would help. Why would someone who is smart, attractive,and fun to be around put up with this kind of treatment? I have struggled with this and questioned if I didn’t do my job in making her realize she is a valuable human being who deserves more. Then I remember she is a teenage girl who has experienced what she believes to be her first love . . . and reason goes out the window. I should also add that I believe this boy has a drinking problem and my daughter, I believe, thinks she can “fix” him. She loves that he is so smart and challenges him to curtail his partying because even though he is doing relatively well in school, “he is better than that.”</p>

<p>The therapist was wonderful–recommended to me by a friend who is a school guidance counselor. Her own daughter went through something similar and was helped by this woman. This psychologist also works with students, especially girls, at a local college. She was very non-threatening. I talked to her myself so that I could handle the emotions I was feeling about watching my daughter make so many mistakes. My daughter resented having to go and said she got nothing out of it. I suspect she didn’t want to face the issues. </p>

<p>Thanks to everyone for your support. Keep it coming. It has been helpful. I will try the magic wand prompt tonight.</p>

20

<p>I hear you, worried, I hear you. My guys fall in love if the breeze changes direction, apparently. </p>

<p>Some tips from the trenches:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Step back from the present moment and think about your long term objectives. You want your D to marry someone who will treasure her–and almost more importantly–treasure your grandchildren. Without criticizing the bf, talk up the qualities of great long-term mates. What makes a great long term mate? What characteristics should she look for? (Look at the family, look at the father). College choice is fantastic–but it is life-time mate choices that make or break a woman’s life.</p></li>
<li><p>You’ve forgotten the delicious agony of mad keen love, worried. The angst of it is part of what makes young love so delicious. Middle aged people forget this fact. Raise your tolerance for agonizing angst and you will be a happier camper.</p></li>
<li><p>Biology drives two lovers to procreation. In 2007, we’ve rationalized and medicated our way out of this physiological reality, but the fact is, girls drive relationships toward forever and ever. They cannot help themselves. Boys back-pedal to keep from getting pinged with responsibilities they are not ready for–while trying to maintain that scenario where the girl gets naked with them (their favorite part). BOTH sides have unrealistic expectations. This drive is so strong in both sexes–words of caution fall on deaf ears.</p></li>
<li><p>Even though words fall on deaf ears, keep talking. At age 20, I was driving toward marriage with the most amazing guy when my father took me aside and told me that my guy would not be able to remain faithful–he was too handsome and ‘attractive’ to other women. My dad told me that I could spend my life with him–if I was prepared to spend the majority of my energy chasing off competitors. Without realizing that I had accepted his advice, I back-pedalled out of that relationship with a very complex GAP year strategy–all the while operating on the sub-concious level.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Well, my dad was right. That amazing guy has been married six times. He never had children. Life with him would have been a tenth of the adventure I went on to enjoy.</p>